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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

first time in an age but aibu about my sister (I know I am)

81 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/09/2015 22:02

mum and dad are in their 90's. Mum broke her hip last week and came out of hospital today. She is dads main carer as he is housebound and has dementia. My sister was supposed to come and look after M&D this weekend. She has manic depression (what a family!), which has been controlled for years. Today she rang me in a right state to say she couldn't come and look after M&D as she wasn't coping at all.

She asked me to ring mum and tell her. So on mums first day out of hospital i was tasked with the message of telling her she would have no care this weekend. I live abroad and so while I can come home, its not just like driving up the M1 etc.

I shouldn't be angry with my sister, but am. We have never been close, in fact I cant remember the last time she rang me. I am angry that she landed this on me and asked me to tell mum that she couldn't come.

AIBU? Please tell me that I am as I feel a right cow for feeling like this!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 23/09/2015 22:06

You are probably angry because you are frustrated that you can't do more, and immensely worried about your parents.

If your sister's mental health isn't allowing her to do this, you need to focus all your energy on trying to sort out what is going to happen.

Who has been looking after your Dad whilst your Mum has been in hospital?
You need to speak to the social workers at the hospital to let them know the intended care has broken down and your parents have no help at present. There are emergency teams within socail services who will do what they can to support.

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:10

Why don't you look after her?

Oh right you live abroad.

I too have an elderly mother and a sister who lives abroad.
My sister is always barking instructions down the phone at me as to how I should be caring for our mother.

If she cared that much she wouldn't be living abroad.

Junosmum · 23/09/2015 22:11

YANBU but your sister has MH issues and stress is likely to make them worse.

There are services which can help, either your mum, your dad or both. I work in adult services and part of my job is organising such things.

I hope you get it sorted.

Seriouslyffs · 23/09/2015 22:13

Sorry OP I'm with Goblin on this one. You have the right to live where you want but you can't then moan about other family members.

janethegirl2 · 23/09/2015 22:13

Not nice or useful goblin

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:15

janethegirl2 but acutely true.

Happyinthehills · 23/09/2015 22:17

Could you see it as you do the best you can for them and so does she?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 23/09/2015 22:19

Your sister is obviously ill. If she had a physical illness/injury preventing her from caring then would you have started this thread? Who's been caring for your dad whilst your mum's been in hosptial? It sounds to me like they both need extra care, is there a package in place? I can understand both sides - nothing wrong with you chosing to live abroad, but your sister hasn't chosen to be ill, and just because she lives in the same country, does not mean she's any more or less obliged to care for them.

Mintyy · 23/09/2015 22:20

Sorry Funnys but I think yabu a bit! Your sister is obviously under considerable strain. Perhaps she feels that, as she does the vast majority of care for your parents, you could do this one thing for her? Perhaps she feels your parents will take it better coming from you rather than from her?

Meanwhile, their living conditions sound unsustainable. Why on earth is a woman in her 90s, who broke her hip, being discharged from hospital after a week?? That just can't be right?

janethegirl2 · 23/09/2015 22:21

I disagree goblin.I do live in the same country as my dm but I could probably get to her faster from abroad.
Sometimes people need to live where they can get employed, it's not all about where you want to live.
I think your views are a bit simplistic, but I guess you won't be changing your rather fixed mindset

MisForMumNotMaid · 23/09/2015 22:21

Mental health is so hard to understand. If she'd had a fall, broken both legs you'd no doubt feel the same fluster at having to down tools and run to help but its tangible so you'd no doubt find it easier to be more accepting.

With mental health its so hard and frustrating when its in the mind. My DS1 is Autistic and sometimes i want to scream at the tiny little things that overwhelm him that to me are ridiculous. It wouldn't help though, it doesn't help anyone to get frustrated or angry.

Maybe this is the time/ trip to think about beyond just this weekend and get a care plan drawn up?

whois · 23/09/2015 22:22

Unless you think your sister is just making it up, then YABU.

Original poster

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/09/2015 22:24

goblin you may be projecting a bit with that one. I have been speaking to mum everyday on the phone and certainly do not 'bark instructions' at my sister. Or my other sister who does most of the care come to that.

I am sorry you feel that way about your own family, but I can assure you my family wishes me no ill will for not living within spitting distance of them.

I think you are right Back that I do wish I could do more. They now have a carer each, so the day to day is sorted. Plus they have many vey good friends and neighbours who will help out for day to day things.

I really shouldn't be angry at my sister, I suppose I am just rather frustrated by the whole thing.

OP posts:

Hassled · 23/09/2015 22:25

So what are the practical solutions? Do you literally mean a woman in her 90s following a broken hip and caring for her husband will have no help at all? Do you have the number for Adult Social Services in the area? Or Age Concern? Ring them, and see what you can sort out. Someone needs to be coming in, and this can be sorted out.

Hassled · 23/09/2015 22:25

X post - good, glad there are people in place.

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:26

No not simplistic.

I am the only family member that my mother has left. All the others have fucked off abroad.
If I wasn't here she would be alone, lonely no-one to help or care for her.

OH and I have turned down job opportunities, including a couple of very well paid positions abroad because leaving an elderly woman alone to fend for herself is horrible.

It is simple.

The OPs sister didn't choose to be ill, but the OP chose to live abroad.

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:29

FunnysInLaJardin I doubt that your family knows how you feel.
Does your sister know that you are angry?

You think that speaking to your mother on the telephone compensates for your care?

Do you take her to doctor's appointments? Out shopping? Take her to the optician or banK?

I doubt it.

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:30

It's a sad world when offspring can swan off and abandon elderly parents in need.

janethegirl2 · 23/09/2015 22:30

Ok goblin, maybe the op chose to live abroad many years ago. I still think you are being harsh but given your situation it's more understandable.
I certainly would not want my dcs to turn down opportunities so they'd be 'there for me' in the event of me needing care.

Original poster

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/09/2015 22:32

Mintyy, mum is very determined and will have been sure to have been discharged asap! My sister actually does very little care for my m&d, with the majority falling to my other sister who is away at the mo but lives 5 miles away. She has found it a strain which I totally understand.

My other sister with the MH problems has never been asked to do anything for them, due to her problems I think, but the one time she is asked it all falls apart.

I cant blame her, but still feel frustrated. She has been mentally speaking fine afaik, but come to the crunch I feel she has flaked out.

Sorry if this is a drip feed, but am still working out how I feel.

OP posts:

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 23/09/2015 22:32

goblinhat

You do sound resentful, and I personally can understand. Being a carer, and not getting an ounce of help, it tough work. Really hard. However, we cannot blame others who chose to live their lives "away from the day to day mess", as it seems. Making a martyr of yourself does not help you, or the person you are caring for. It does not mean you 'care' more for that person, just because you are there and others are not. We all have a choice to make in these situations - one is not more valid than the other. The sister has not chosen to be ill, and I think the OP is less sympathetic due to the nature of the illness, but other than that I don't see why she should be berated for how or where she lives.

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:33

maybe the op chose to live abroad many years ago

That makes no difference. The end result is the same. I consider it a priviledge to support my mother in her twilight years.

Our parents do not live forever- these years are precious.

margeys · 23/09/2015 22:35

I understand your frustration. But manic depression is a serious mental illness. So YABU with your sister.

JassyRadlett · 23/09/2015 22:35

Hmm, goblin, tell me, whose parents are DH and I supposed to 'care that much' about, given we're of different nationalities, with parents on different continents?

Would very much welcome your expert advice.

Original poster

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/09/2015 22:38

goblin what you say is exactly what so many of my friends siblings want to say, but would not be so rude to their face. There is a great deal of bitterness I think when folk chose to live away from 'home'. Many of my friends experience the same reaction from their families.

We moved away 20 years ago incidentally. But no matter when, the 'left behind' always will feel bitter

OP posts:

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