first time in an age but aibu about my sister (I know I am)

[FunnysInLaJardin]

mum and dad are in their 90's. Mum broke her hip last week and came out of hospital today. She is dads main carer as he is housebound and has dementia. My sister was supposed to come and look after M&D this weekend. She has manic depression (what a family!), which has been controlled for years. Today she rang me in a right state to say she couldn't come and look after M&D as she wasn't coping at all.

She asked me to ring mum and tell her. So on mums first day out of hospital i was tasked with the message of telling her she would have no care this weekend. I live abroad and so while I can come home, its not just like driving up the M1 etc.

I shouldn't be angry with my sister, but am. We have never been close, in fact I cant remember the last time she rang me. I am angry that she landed this on me and asked me to tell mum that she couldn't come.

AIBU? Please tell me that I am as I feel a right cow for feeling like this!

" I live abroad and so while I can come home, its not just like driving up the M1 etc."

But if your in her90s mum just out of hospital with a broken hip isn't a reason to make the effort, what is?

Op, I really feel for you as I am in the same situation but you need to help your parents if your sister can't especially if she is struggling herself with personal problems. I imagine she's done a lot of the practical help for how many years your've been abroad, you really shouldn't leave it all to her even if you are 1000s of miles away. I would organise a date with your sister when you are back in the UK where you can look after her and give her a break.

I am in no way saying you need to move back just to care for your elderly parents, as it's not the 1960s anymore where your elderly parents move into your spare room etc, just give your sister a break as it must be stressful for her.

I am dreading this, I am in only child and live about a 30hr flight away from my widowed mum. I live in the UK with my British DH and DS, we want to move back to my home country but that may never happen due to jobs, us being settled etc. Not to mention we would be leaving DH parents behind but at least DH has siblings.

Ok - so you are irritated by the fact that you now need to drop everything and get a flight home to help your parents or arrange emergency care when you thought it was under control.

I can understand why but you are being unreasonable. Shit happens so you need to get over it.

As for commenting on your moral standards and attitude to your parents and sister that's gone on throughout this thread, I think it's pretty shitty. We have no idea what your personal circumstances are.

OP - firstly this care situation doesn't sound sustainable. It's not reasonable or practical for a 90+ frail woman to be the main carer for a 90+ housebound dementia sufferer. The hospital should not discharge your mother without adequate care in place for her and your father. The hospital social work team should be working with physio, occupational therapy and community social work on a care plan for the immediate recovery and longer term.

It would be sensible for one of you to have power of attorney and be the designated health and social care contact. It makes sense for this to be the most local person (I do this for my parents). Your sister with health problems may not be able to provide any reliable support so you need to exclude her from the equation.

If your local sister does the bulk of the day to day then you need to consider what support you can offer. Can you pay for cleaner/ housekeeper/ day sitter/ gardener? Can you commit to x days per quarter visiting your parents to provide your sister with a break? Can you commit to additional support in emergencies? What would this look like?

I am the most local child. Most of my siblings live 3-4 hours drive away. My parents are elderly, disabled and bloody difficult. I will not provide care. I have a young family and a full time job. It's just not possible. I will arrange care for them (and have done). I will sort out problems with agencies and service providers but I will not provide care. The agreement I have with my siblings is that I will handle the day to day and the start of an emergency but they must cover the rest of an emergency, visit regularly and do what I ask them to do when I ask them to do it. Works ok for us.

Not all of us are cut out to be carers and for many of us it would be damaging to the parental relationship, our own health and wellbeing and our own families. There is support and there are options available.

what goblin said

and what Diddl said

FWIW this is what I stay in the country and city I do, as I know this shit is coming my way. Good luck OP, and hope you get it sorted