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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

first time in an age but aibu about my sister (I know I am)

81 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/09/2015 22:02

mum and dad are in their 90's. Mum broke her hip last week and came out of hospital today. She is dads main carer as he is housebound and has dementia. My sister was supposed to come and look after M&D this weekend. She has manic depression (what a family!), which has been controlled for years. Today she rang me in a right state to say she couldn't come and look after M&D as she wasn't coping at all.

She asked me to ring mum and tell her. So on mums first day out of hospital i was tasked with the message of telling her she would have no care this weekend. I live abroad and so while I can come home, its not just like driving up the M1 etc.

I shouldn't be angry with my sister, but am. We have never been close, in fact I cant remember the last time she rang me. I am angry that she landed this on me and asked me to tell mum that she couldn't come.

AIBU? Please tell me that I am as I feel a right cow for feeling like this!

OP posts:

lastuseraccount123 · 23/09/2015 22:39

Hi OP waves

Imo YANBU and YABU. Your sister can't help being ill, your parents can't help being old and you can't help being far away, the situation sucks, that is all. I hope you are able to work something out - it's clear your mentally ill sister can't be relied on so maybe you need to get some care in place?

janethegirl2 · 23/09/2015 22:40

Ok goblin your views and mine will never be compatible.
I do not want my dcs to limit their lifestyle choices to look after me ever!
I hope I will have a sufficient amount of funds and other resources to meet any needs I may have.
I do live a reasonable distance from my dm, who so far is perfectly capable of getting around, and is in Scotland where the resources are much superior to England i.e. proper social care certainly in her area (may not be the case in all areas though).
I do see her on a reasonably regular basis however her care needs are being met with local resources.

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:41

the 'left behind' always will feel bitter

But as long as you're ok that's fine.

Specialsnowflake1 · 23/09/2015 22:42

Goblinhat NDFOD, You need to stop projecting your anger on Funny.

Funny you must be feeling pretty rubbish just now. Sorry your sister has flaked out on you. Your parents have a care package in place with carers from the LA I'm guessing. You may find that they can provide some rest days for your other sister who does the bulk share of the caring which will free her up a bit and take the pressure off you. Hope you DM gets better soon and don't feel too bad

Original poster

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/09/2015 22:42

yes, I know iabu re my sister. She really is very unwell. I wish I could help her, but she is like a deep well of nothing and what ever I say is met with derision. All most unsatisfactory. The nature of a serious mental illness I suppose

OP posts:

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:42

and you can't help being far away

But that was the OPs choice- and all that comes with it. It's not a choice to have a mental illness or become old.

Specialsnowflake1 · 23/09/2015 22:44

*take the pressure of her not you.

ImperialBlether · 23/09/2015 22:46

It might be that her mum and dad could have moved to be near her, but chose not to.

All are adults; all choose where to live.

magimedi · 23/09/2015 22:47

Goblin, do stop muddling your own situation (whatever it is) with Funny's.

Funny - you have my sympathy. I was in exactly the same position as you some 20+ years ago, but I was in the UK & my mum was over the water. I know how bloody tough it is.

janethegirl2 · 23/09/2015 22:48

goblin you seem to have an enormous chip 're your own personal issues and do not seem to understand the OPs position.
You cannot simply 'up sticks' and return to the UK without a job, possibly disrupting dcs education just cos your parents are getting old.
Have a bit of compassion please.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 23/09/2015 22:48

You're not even reading other people's responses are you, goblin. You really need to realise that what you choose to do is not for everyone, and that's OK. In this day and age, your parents can live years and years with a condition that requires "care" - not everyone can give up their whole life to do it. Say you're 30 when your 60 year old father developes dementia. He doesn't have a partner, it's early stages, and you're the only one around to check in on him. Over the years "checking in" becomes more often, but SS see that you are "coping", so don't offer additional care. Soon enough, due to modern medicine progression, it's 20 years down the line and you're now closer to the age your dad became ill than you are to that carefree 30 year old you've long forgotten. Career never had a chance of taking off, maybe lost the chance at a long term relationship, kids, travelling. For what? A big old martyr badge saying"I love my dad, so not having a life so I could slowly watch him not be himself is totally worth it". Really? Not what I want for my kids at all, I'd rather hop over to a Swiss clinic at first diagnosis than put them through that, myself.

janethegirl2 · 23/09/2015 22:50

Funny you have my deepest sympathy with your situation. It's totally no win.

HicDraconis · 23/09/2015 22:51

I don't think YABU. The majority of caring is done by your other family member, you are abroad for your own reasons, your sister has been asked to do this one thing and yet when the crunch comes, she lets you down. Yes I know she's mentally unwell but you're still not unreasonable to feel a mix of worry and concern over your parents, and annoyance that the one time this sister is asked to help her illness prevents it.

For what it's worth, I also live abroad (for purely selfish reasons, I love living here with my family as do they - as does my father when he visits!) but if I lived in the UK I would not be able to take time to care for my father, I wouldn't be able to get the time off work. I'm more likely to be able to help out from overseas than locally!

Original poster

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/09/2015 22:51

thanks last and Special things will work out, its just so worrying when you cant do anything practical to help

OP posts:

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:51

Why should they move? It was the OP who buggered off.

I am of a generation and class that saw swathes of families move abroad. It affected much of my immediate and extended family.
30 out of 50 of my aunts, uncles, cousins emigrated.
Leaving mostly the elder generation behind.
I saw the sadness it caused, the elderly relatives hanging on just for phone calls, keeping a cheerful attitude when speaking to their offspring. Grandchildren they would never see.
It was heartbreaking to watch.

Our elders are worth too much simply to turn our backs on when they most need support. We live is a very callous world when it is accepted so easily.

JassyRadlett · 23/09/2015 22:52

Goblin, I really feel like I'm missing out on the benefit of your wisdom. No advice for my situation?

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:52

janet- Have a bit of compassion please.

Unlike the OP you mean?

janethegirl2 · 23/09/2015 22:55

I'm surprised goblin is not bent over double with the weight of her halo

goblinhat · 23/09/2015 22:57

I'm surprised goblin is not bent over double with the weight of her halo

A halo because I choose not to abandon an elderly parent?

What a callous society we have become.

Original poster

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/09/2015 22:57

thanks folks for the shoulder, I really needed it, and also HELLO magi!

I feel so much better for having discussed this in a (mostly!) adult way.

I unmmed and arred about posting an aibu, but thought actually the good folk of MN will tell me if my thinking is entirely bats!

In conclusion then it is a bit bats, but not totally!

OP posts:

MrsSchadenfreude · 23/09/2015 22:59

Pity it's not strangling her, Jane.

LoopiusMaximus · 23/09/2015 23:00

Goblinhat you do sound very resentful. We don't procreate to have someone to look after us in later life. There are many elderly people whode children live close by but never see them and there are many who weren't fortunate to have children. We have a 'duty' to help our parents especially in old age however we are not martyrs. OP is obviously in a difficult situation and your comments don't help. We don't know OPs circumstances and I'm sure it's awful for the her to feel so helpless and I'm sure her parents would not have wanted her to miss out on opportunities and the chance of living / working abroad!

janethegirl2 · 23/09/2015 23:01

MrsSchadenfreude I love you

JassyRadlett · 23/09/2015 23:04

Goblin, frankly, I'm feeling abandoned by you.

What constitutes 'elderly' out of interest? Mine were 52 when I first left my home country. They're now a decade older an in excellent health. How old do they have to be before you consider I've 'abandoned' them?

At what point should DH 'abandon' his parents, one of whom is a bit older and has had some health issues? Or should we divorce and live near our respective parents? Who do the kids go with? At what point will you consider them to have 'abandoned' one of us?

MyGastIsFlabbered · 23/09/2015 23:06

I live in a different country to my mum, because she chose to move there. Am I now expected to up sticks and move to rural France for the 'privilege' of looking after her?

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