Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be cracking up at DCs?

57 replies

peppansalt · 23/09/2015 17:44

Am at utter loss as to where to go with DS (10) and DD (8), with their lack of respect for me or instructions.

Everyday feels like Groundhog Day with me asking them to do things and either being ignored or given backchat.

Flash points include getting ready for school (dressed, breakfast, teeth). They have been told 1000s of times no TV until ready, yet every morning, there they are laying on sofa, not moving until I've made their breakfast.

After school, i ask them to change out of their uniforms and am generally met with a barrage of moaning and a list of excuses why they can't. Same for doing homework, and generally any other request that comes from me.

Am exhausted from the shouting (me), back chat/attitude (them). Threats, bribery... Nothing works.

None of it helped by their constant bickering and fighting.

How do I enforce rules and get them to do as they're asked? I'm sick of having to do everything for them because I just can't take the grief.

OP posts:
laffymeal · 23/09/2015 17:50

Don't threaten or bribe. Make your expectations clear and achievable. Be calm and consistent, use terms like "it's not a choice" when they refuse to cooperate, follow through with sanctions and consequences.

Fivegomad · 23/09/2015 17:52

Unfortunately there is no quick fix for this. You have to grit your teeth, make your rules and insist they are followed.
Sit them down, explain that this is the way it will be from now on, they are more than old enough to understand.
Make breakfast, put it on the table( or wherever you eat), tell them it's ready, and leave them to it. If they do not eat- tough.
If they will not get ready, take them in p.j's, the school will get it. If they do not do their homework, write the teacher a little note to explain that you are fully supportive of homework and fully support any sanctions the children will receive for not doing it( usually lost golden time).
Set boundaries, stick to them. Enforce reasonable sanctions for bad behaviour .
It's hard, it will take time, but just imagine how bad it will be when they are teenagers if you don't crack this now.
Good luck, Wine Cake

Original poster
peppansalt · 23/09/2015 17:55

I think part of the problem is that I'm ever so slightly scared of DS. He gets into the most mahoosive pre-teen rages, so a lot of the time it makes me question whether it's worth even going there! Sad

OP posts:
laffymeal · 23/09/2015 18:09

All the more reason to deal with it now. It will only get worse. You're the parent here and it's your responsibility, no one else can do it.

Original poster
peppansalt · 23/09/2015 19:26

I catch myself saying "no" to certain requests then wavering under duress.... So weak.

I think I need to pick my battles, list the non-negotiables and stick to my guns. What are other people's non-negotiables and what are your consequences for not doing them?

OP posts:
laffymeal · 23/09/2015 19:41

Bit pointless asking that op, your threshold is probably very different from mine. You have to sort this yourself.

nilbyname · 23/09/2015 19:45

TV in the morning is such a pain in the neck.

Take the plug off the set?

Take all screens away.

Get them to earn their stuff back.

Original poster
peppansalt · 23/09/2015 19:48

Don't think it's pointless Laffy; it's always helpful to hear other people's thoughts on exoectstions

OP posts:
Original poster
peppansalt · 23/09/2015 19:49

Expectations of their DCs

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 23/09/2015 19:51

I am incredibly grateful there was no children's TV when mine were little- there was children's radio which made the whole breakfast teeth uniform book bags socks shoes trauma less traumatic. It's definitely a hard battle but one worth persevering with.

laffymeal · 23/09/2015 19:56

Ok then. I expect my dcs to be respectful, responsible and kind. I will not tolerate abusive or threatening behaviour. I expect my house rules to be followed. I expect to share my home with decent human beings.

Norest · 23/09/2015 19:58

Find a way to disconnect all screen devices. Turn off the Tv box remove remote controls etc. Keep firm until they get into the habit of doing their tasks automatically.

goawayalready · 23/09/2015 20:16

dont mess about pull the fuse no electric in the mornings

febreze the sofa so its damp no lounging

dont bother getting them to change after school really i chose not to bother with that battle years ago i just bought enough clothing for clean daily

as far as homework goes ask the school if they have a homework club so they can catch up then tell them you are disengaging from the whole process either they do it at home or they do it at school

and tell them to make there own breakfast one of my children has done his own since he was 2 ffs (the other two didn't but he is a smart arse)

dont make threats just do this or consequence and follow it through its going to be hard but the reward will be worth it

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2015 20:22

Take the remote from them get them to come into the kitchen to eat then get dressed then tell if they have time dont get into toing and froing with them it gives them mixed messages of boundry the will argue till you cave. If they dont get changed after schoolthen no something till its done if they give you lip walk away and say im not listening to this. Thing is your son is learning to intimadate through aggression and he will continue do you fancy being attacked by a strapping 15yrold, you are not weak you are weary and worn down be consistent always be consistent this can get better. I havnt solved the bloody bickering though and they are adults sigh

Bottlecap · 23/09/2015 20:33

We've been working on this recently, I felt as though I'd lost the plot with my kids. We instituted a screen schedule and initiated it with a 'family meeting', printed it out, it confers a sense of gravity. My 12 year old has screens from 8-9.30, my 9 year old from 8-9. The understanding is that the eldest has a half hour more because he is the big brother and if he behaves in a way that is not big-brotherly, he goes to bed with his younger brother.

I've had some gains on behaviour by way of marbles. Each marble =.20, there's absolutely no other way of them getting 'stuff' other than with marble currency. I've gotten Go Henry cards which I transfer the balance onto weekly. This is really an amazing carrot and stick.

I have always had a super-ban on TV in the morning. It's no good. My kids are screen addicts and because I have zero ambivalence about this, it doesn't even occur to them that TV could be available in the morning. Reverse-engineer their bedtimes such that they wake only 30 min before they need to be out the door. I am permissive in the evening (as you can see above) so it works, they understand the context.

Seriouslyffs · 23/09/2015 20:35

I've just reread your OP
I'd sit them down and say 'it's very important that we start the day happily and get everything done we need to, so we're going to have no TV in the mornings. But rather than get changed when you come home why don't we start a new tradition of snack and half an hour TV when you get home- shall I record morning TV for when you come home? What snacks shall we have, shall we do baking and cakes one day?'

Original poster
peppansalt · 23/09/2015 20:41

Bottlecap, what do your DCs do between coming in from school and 8pm?

OP posts:
Bottlecap · 23/09/2015 20:45

Snack, homework, shower, dinner, practice instrument, read, play with each other. They will actually wander off and get stuck into various things if they realise there's no screens on offer until 8.

Mine are a bit older than yours so you could reasonably start screens at 7 and start bedtime at 8 (right?).

TimeToMuskUp · 23/09/2015 20:59

They sound as though they're old enough to make their own breakfast by now; DS1 is 9 and makes breakfast for me, DS2 and himself most mornings. He toasts and butters bread, can make a mean cup of tea and we never have the tv on before school because it's a drama getting them away from it (and they've gotten so used to it they don't even ask any more, they just play til it's time to leave).

We sat down and wrote out a list of family rules; DS1 wrote them, we all agreed on them, we stuck them on the wall and we try our best to abide by them. Consequences for ignoring requests can vary but rudeness is met with an early bedtime and no tv the following day. I've learned that following up on all consequences is a must, too, and generally if I say to them they won't have tv they don't bother to ask. The longest they've ever gone without is 7 days, it almost killed us all but it taught them that I don't back down.

Original poster
peppansalt · 23/09/2015 21:01

Bottlecap, serious respect to you.

Am embarrassed to admit that my 2 have become so dependent on screens (esp DD) they don't know seem to know anymore how to entertain themselves. Blush. So when I do turn screens off they always look to me to provide activities.

OP posts:
PennyHasNoSurname · 23/09/2015 21:05

Well if they are bored they can have chores.

Am sure that will sharpen their focus.

Original poster
peppansalt · 23/09/2015 21:05

Time I recognise I've totally mollycoddled DS. He does nothing for himself, least of all getting breakfast or putting uniform on. Everything's a huge drama if I insist he does things himself

OP posts:
GreyBonnet · 23/09/2015 21:20

Establish your routine. Get up in good time and wake your DCs. Put breakfast out and go and do your exercise / walk the dog / meditate. Complete your activity and remind your DCs of the time. Take no responsibility and display no anxiety as to what they are doing. If they don't get to school on time they wil take the consequences - don't be afraid to let that happen. Don't request / demand / suggest anything - just complete your morning tasks and leave them to their fate..,

Original poster
peppansalt · 23/09/2015 21:32

Grey, I think thats what it'll come to; I need to grow a pair and impose consequences. Have you had similar scenarios with your DCs?

OP posts:
Bottlecap · 23/09/2015 21:53

peppa, you can do this. Turn off the screens and ignore them. Repeat. It will work.