AIBU to be cracking up at DCs?

[peppansalt]

Am at utter loss as to where to go with DS (10) and DD (8), with their lack of respect for me or instructions.

Everyday feels like Groundhog Day with me asking them to do things and either being ignored or given backchat.

Flash points include getting ready for school (dressed, breakfast, teeth). They have been told 1000s of times no TV until ready, yet every morning, there they are laying on sofa, not moving until I've made their breakfast.

After school, i ask them to change out of their uniforms and am generally met with a barrage of moaning and a list of excuses why they can't. Same for doing homework, and generally any other request that comes from me.

Am exhausted from the shouting (me), back chat/attitude (them). Threats, bribery... Nothing works.

None of it helped by their constant bickering and fighting.

How do I enforce rules and get them to do as they're asked? I'm sick of having to do everything for them because I just can't take the grief.

I have found that if I am up and dressed before the kids it makes Shute difference. I'm then ready to focus on them and not trying to sort myself at the same time.
If I get backchat they get a stern word first then consequences - removal of privileges immediately.

Don't make empty threats or promises. Follow through with everything.

It will be tough to start with and they will test you but the rewards will be worth it.

Be strong. It can be done!

Take charge Peppa, you can do it!
My dc are the same age as yours though they are dd older and ds younger.
We have never watched the TV in the morning until the last two weeks as ds and I now get up earlier to the puppy - it still goes off as soon as we are getting on with getting dressed, breakfast etc.
I cook eggs for anyone that wants them but otherwise everyone gets and clears away their own breakfast, if I am cooking someone's breakfast they are expected to get drinks for both DC & lay the table.
We have a couple of markers for time - downstairs by 7.45. Finished breakfast and brushing hair (dd) by 8, out the door by 8.20.
If they won't get themselves dressed/ breakfast, they'll have to go out without - it really won't kill them, you must always follow through on consequences and if you have screen addicts (as do I), use it to your advantage.

Don't just ignore them, though; if they ever utter the words "I'm bored", hand them a chore. We have a tiny Dyson and DS2 is given that and told to hoover the stairs if he gets whiny. DS1 can do all sorts, including cleaning windows. This summer we reached the point where they were afraid to look me in the eye for fear of me giving them something terribly dull to do.

I'd ditch TV in the morning (turning room electric off at fuse box if very resistent), explain TV goes on when they are washed and dressed. wouldn't harm to do marble jar/cotton wool jar - they get one for getting dressed, then one for brushing teeth ect

Yes salt I did - and as a SAHM with no workplace to get off to I was really conscious that I had to set my DCs on their own feet IYSWIM. We actually have dogs so I get up for them, and then knock the DCs that they have an hour before they leave. DS1 will organise himself as long as I let him get on - DD is 13 and programmed to do the opposite of what I ask / require so I don't ask/require any more - and once she realised I wasn't going to direct or bail her out she got on with it.

You can do it!

We also have a blanket ban on screens before lunch. It was hell for the first week or so but after that they stopped expecting it. It reduces flashpoints enormously.

I would suggest you have a new morning routine that involves breakfast first, then getting dressed. Then if DC are slow, they end up fed but still in their PJs. Much more of a problem for them, and less of a problem for you, than if it were the other way round.

I could never keep marble regimes going, but I think routine is key. Up, breakfast, spellings, dressing, teeth, curtains, bed, wees, leave house. After school snack, telly/ipad, homework/playing, tea, music practice. If it's not part of the routine it just doesn't happen.

Sorry, not RTT, but it's late and i'm tired, but this is a THING of mine.

if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got

If your routines aren't working for you, stop blaming your kids and change the routines.
This isn't about you shouting at your children (and then shouting louder if it doesn't work) it's about you looking at your routines and making changes so that your routines work for you.

Actions have consequences, so have consequences (which are appropriate), and enforce them.

Give children a choice (giving children choice is always good - it lets them have power and responsibility), but make sure the choices are in your favour ("if you get changed out of uniform, you can have the TV for 1/2 hour, if you don't we'll wait until you do get changed and then it will be time for homework"). I overheard a teacher say "xxx, you aren't allowed to kick a ball around inside school, so you have a choice - you can continue to kick your ball around inside school, and go and see the Head, or you can take your ball and kick in around in the playground". Give your children clear and obvious choices!

Why aren't your children involved in MAKING their breakfast (ticks lots of my boxes - changes the routine, gives them responsibility and choice, gives them consequences). Also gives them time with you. And could be fun.

Good luck, and sorry again not to have RTT

I feel like shit mother when my DS(10) is making his own breakfast, sitting watching tv, getting dressed and brushing his teeth while I'm in bed with DD(8mo).
Before leaving he comes to give us a kiss good bye and calls me as soon as he gets to school, so I do get the chance to talk to him in the morning.
The only thing I seem to struggle with is him doing his chores. He has the list and that's how he earns his pocket money. He is still whinging every time he's told that he needs to do something.

There are times when my DC 8 and 9 make their own breakfast and pack lunches but not always. Usually it's DD 8 who prepares for herself and DS

However the way I get around them watching TV and pfaffing around is by making simple muffins the night before (takes minutes to prepare) which they can grab and eat anywhere even on the way to school if need be.

I've started to add peanut butter and Nutella to the recipe which they love.

I can't control them watching TV because I'm busy having my shower and also getting ready.

My DS who never usually whinges has been whinging all week and even shoving me and even giving me a sly kick for asking him to put his shoes on etc. I think he is just really tired at the moment. So other than telling him calmly off by saying can you not do or say that please I'm letting it slide for now.

I agree with PP on the choice and independence thing. Are there any blockers to them getting their own breakfast? Make sure they can reach, and easily find, everything they need. Eg we buy 4 pint bottles of milk because my kids (6 and 8) can't manage the 6 pinters.

I prefer not to tie it ALL to a reward. Doing their own breakfast has a "natural consequence" (hate that phrase) in that if they don't, they go hungry. Laying the table ditto - no one can start until they have cutlery to eat with. If doing basic self care is tied to pocket money, stickers or whatever, my younger one would just say he didn't care about whatever the reward is. Whereas he does care about not going to school in his PJs and being able to eat. And that only works if he understands that I will not cave and do it for him.

However I wouldn't couch it in an adversarial way at all. Tell them you have confidence in their ability to be a bit more independent. "Award the privilege" of them doing certain tasks for themselves, and set the routine to help them succeed at it. You might be able to sweeten it with further privileges. Eg my DS has just got a slightly later bedtime now he's in Y2, but with that came a new expectation that he open his curtains and make his bed (stuff we'd let slide when concentrating on him dressing himself) because that is what responsible Y2 boys do. And we (officially) have huge confidence in his ability to do these things and we still remind him most days but one day it will stick .

We do breakfast first. I find my kids are horrible until they've had a bit of food, then they perk up. They then have to do their teeth and get dressed before they're allowed the TV. Could a slight change in routine help you? There's still a fair bit of nagging and mucking about mind you but it's under control and I'm never at the yelling stage and we're never late.

I've banned tablets and laptop after school this week due to them arguing over how much time they're allowed. They've adapted quickly after a bit of moaning and we've had such a lovely peaceful afternoon and evening with them drawing/playing with meccanno and stuff. I also know that the threat of a ban will work well in the future because I've stuck to it. Although I'm debating continuing to ban it for the immediate future as they're so much calmer and nicer without them!

I have two grandsons aged 9 and 6 and I do after school care twice a week. The routine is change, snack, outside with a football or whatever if fine or Lego or other games in rooms until 5 when they have tea.
After tea it is homework first then a choice of 30 minutes TV or 30 minutes on tablets. They often prefer to carry on whatever they were playing before tea. At 6.30 the 6 year old has his shower and gets into pyjamas and the 9 year old follows at 7. At 7.30 we all curl up together in parents' bed and have a story (currently Mr Stink) . The 9 year old then goes downstairs for 30 minutes when he can do what he likes (within reason) so it could be screen time but often not.
The little one is settled to sleep before 8 and the big one is in bed by 8.30.

Mornings it is washed and dressed before downstairs and then breakfast and out. No time for anything else!

I find getting mine off screens at any time real pain.

So, no screens in the morning during the week at all.
Saturday am they can come down and turn on screens, they then go off when I come down to breakfast, which will change according to when I get up (there is an incentive in here, if they squabble they wake me up early)

after school screens go on at 5, while I cook dinner, then off when dinner is ready. Usually 1 hour.

To get them off screens, I always turn the screen off.

Dressed - if not dressed they leave the house in whatever they are wearing, if that means in just undies, or means without shoes, so be it (they could put pe kit/daps on at school) I have never actually had to do this. But that is because my kids do know that I would carry it through.

With your ds preteen tantrums. I have learned (after a lot of them and a couple of years practise) that the best way is to walk away. If he chooses to scream and shout I am not going to stand there and listen. I will not discuss anything at a shout, I will not discuss anything when he is carrying on. When he has finishes and calmed down, I expect an apology before I will discuss the issue.
But I also had to learn to be a bit hard hearted. So, if he can't get himself together to be civil, I won't drive him to football (for example) even though I have paid for it, and even though he loves it. I stand my ground.
One day this summer ds aged 12 was jumping up and down on his bed screaming at me, having full on toddler style tantrum.
The reason? I had taken his phone away because he had hit his sister.

The other thing I have learned is that when he is upset or cross he needs to go away and calm down, and the more I try to talk the worse he gets. Stop, remove him/you from situation. Return to the subject when he is calm.

I still shout at him sometimes, but he has got much better.

for those who let DCs make their own breakfast, how do you police quantities of sugar poured on Weetabix? o no, I definitely dont allow sugar on cereal . Past experience has shown if l leave them to it, they put on enough to instantly rot teeth!

In my experience there is no way of policing sugar in absentia, it's a battle best ceded.

You could buy them lightly sugared cereal (like Cheerios) and hide the sugar.

I'm sure someone will be along to say that Cheerios have far too much sugar.

This is what I tell mine about getting ready for school:

"If you are not ready for school, then we wait until you are. If you are late, then I am taking you straight to the Head's office and you can explain to her why this has happened. No going to school until you are dressed, washed and breakfast eaten."

I mean it, they believe me. Never been late.

As for homework - I make time for it and will help but it's their choice. If they don't do it, no screens at home and they can explain to the school.

It's not perfect, there are tantrums, but mostly it works.

We have sachets of sugar in this house. It's amazing how the DCs sugar consumption has decreased.

As for mornings no coming downstairs until you are dressed, hair and teeth brushed.

Maybe a polite word with school to advise of their lateness on Monday when you leave them to do it in their own time. Often a rollicking from a teacher for being late is far more terrifying than the constant mum moaning in the morning.

I had to set up a routine for all DCs as it was a bloody nightmare. Now our routine is this:

I set out clothes the night before.
DCs get dressed before they are allowed downstairs (I find the stress of swapping the odd t-shirt after breakfast spillage is much less than the stress of leaving dressing until later. All DCs have 6 t-shirts/shirts and 99% of the time this lasts the week. I put jumpers/cardigans on AFTER breakfast when coats are done as we only have 2 of each per child.)
Breakfast is served at the dining table away from screens. Do not leave until you have finished.
After breakfast teeth are cleaned and then you come to me for hair brush (DD's can't manage their own bobbles yet, DS likes to come to me just to be the same although his hair needs no real attention)
Once you are ready apart from shoes and coat you can watch TV if there is time (usually they have about 10-15 mins). When the clock hits 8.30 TV goes off (I do it if needed)
Shoes then go on and coats and bags collected from pegs in hallway on way to car.

So far we have not been late with this approach. We are normally leaving the drive around 8.35 and get to school around 8.40. Doors open at 8.45 and close around 8.55 so there is margin for error if we have a rushed day.

Evening routine is:

An hours "study time" from 3.30 until 4.30. This is homework some nights, others it is things like arts and crafts, reading etc.
They then have an hour free time before tea. Once eldest goes to secondary I imagine her study time may extend into that hour free time.
After tea is adhoc tbh depending on the day. Some days we do movie night as a family, sometimes board games, sometimes they just play minecraft.

This seems to be enough routine to allow flexibility but get them all into a routine where they understand there is time to play and time to study. We tried to do free time before study hour but it didn't work. We found for ours they are more "in study mode" when they get home.

Btw I make breakfast (due to the portion control issue lol) but I give them a choice of say 3 things eg rice krispies, cheerios or toast; waffles, cornflakes or fruit and yoghurt etc. I tend to have several things in but they take forever if I offer them all so I pick 3 for the day and vary it.

One thing that I do with mine (older DS is only 7 but can "lose it" under certain circumstances) is set a timer and say, "you have X minutes to do Y. If it's not done then you will (for us it is lose screen time)." Then I walk away and have a cup of tea or do things I need to do. It works and it is much less stressful for everyone than me standing and nagging. This is once you've set your house rules.

thanks for all the advice. I see how much I have let slide for an easy life but in reality, its anything but. I need to introduce proper structure and consequences for disobedience/bad behaviour.

I became a SAHM about 2 years ago and seemed to have morphed into a 50's housewife where I do EVERYTHING for my family. However, as a previous poster said, its not preparing either of my DCs for the real world or helping them to become independent. Not to mention the impact on my stress levels!!

Am wondering if anyone has actually taken their DCs into school in underwear/pj's because they weren't ready on time??!

When you realise they are watching TV become being ready do you switch it off or just moan at them?

I found I was repeating myself until I just starting taking actions. So switching it off straight away for a week or so, if they are still putting it on then tell them that the TV will now not be going on in the evening after school and stick to that.

Same with after sch, no TV or screens untill changed and home work complete. If they go ahead anyway then take the plug off for the next day.

Pack away all the screens and make them earn them back. Don't discuss it, don't make compromises, don't tell them where anything is. Lay out the rules at a family meeting. Be consistent

They have to get a bit board first and then they will make their own activities up

Bullet point what you want them to do daily

• up, changed, food, teeth, hair, face
• chores
• homework
• bedtimes, bedtime routines

Explain that they will be entitled to one hours screen time for completing all the above.

You are going to have to face up to your son and be strong/consistent. Sit him down and run through everything. He knows he intimidates you and he's pushing his weight around. It will be awful if he takes this into adulthood and other relationships. Also by doing everything for him, you are in effect de-skilling him.