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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to continue with wedding despite sisters death?

71 replies

whatever22 · 23/09/2015 17:32

My wedding is planned for the coming December.

Two weeks ago my sister killed herself. We didn't see it coming and it has shocked and devestated my family.

Aibu to not cancel the wedding?

My first impulse when my fiancé gently asked if I wanted to put the wedding back was to cling to him tightly and say I wanted to marry him more than ever (which I do, he has supported me so much through this). All my reasons for marrying (we're planning to start a family etc) are still valid. I don't much feel like having a party, but I also feel it is nice to have a 'positive thing' for us all to look forward to. (Plus, lots of people have booked hotel rooms, made plans to travel etc).

But I also feel profoundly guilty about continuing with planning. Like how can I think about shopping for bridesmaids dresses and centrepeices and photographers when my sister is dead? But if I am going forward with the wedding then my friends need to know what they are going to wear, and photographers will still get booked up

I feel like I can't ask my family as they are so invested in not hurting me they won't tell me the truth.

OP posts:
BloodyBellyJeans · 23/09/2015 17:35

You poor thing , only you can decide but fwiw I would still go ahead with it

Rainuntilseptember15 · 23/09/2015 17:35

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your desire to be married to your dh shines through in your post. It's not as if it is next week, it is still a matter of months. I have known someone whose father died just before their wedding and they went ahead with it. It's a ceremony not just a party.
Very sorry for your loss.

Booyaka · 23/09/2015 17:38

I think in some ways it could be helpful for you all. Bittersweet, but a reminder that new things do flourish even when something very important is lost.

Pissedoffpenelope · 23/09/2015 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clobbered · 23/09/2015 17:39

I would go ahead too. It's going to be hard, but I think you absolutely right that your reasons for marrying haven't changed, and it will indeed give you all something positive to focus on. Sorry for your loss.

meditrina · 23/09/2015 17:41

No, of course YANBU.

Focus on the important bits (which you've mentioned in your post).

Perhaps reconsider whether you really need all the trimmings and fripperies, because it sounds as if at least some those no longer matter to you and may just add stress if you go through the motions. Your day can be important and amazing without non-essential add-ons.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 23/09/2015 17:42

My sil had the same problem when my partner committed suicide. She was terrified of offending someone or her wedding seeming inappropriate. I can tell you that it was a lovely day and I think what we all needed. To come together under such lovely circumstances, after what had happened.

LumelaMme · 23/09/2015 17:42

I'd go ahead too. You still want to marry your fiancé, even more if anything.
Flowers

squishee · 23/09/2015 17:43

I would say go ahead with it. I wouldn't want to think that anyone (let alone my sister) had cancelled their wedding on my account.
I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

2rebecca · 23/09/2015 17:44

I would go ahead but accept that some family members may be a bit subdued still. 3 months is quite a long way off and you are still going to be thinking about her and missing her whether it's 3 months or 3 years.
It may help your parents by giving them something positive to focus on. I probably wouldn't discuss the details of the wedding much with your parents though.

RandomMess · 23/09/2015 17:45

I think it will be hard day in some ways whether it's this December or in a years' time. I would go ahead it with Flowers

AnneEtAramis · 23/09/2015 17:47

So sorry for your loss.

Fwiw a good friend of mine continued with her wedding after her father died, she reasoned as you mentioned that they needed something positive but also that he would have wanted that.

StitchingMoss · 23/09/2015 17:50

My mum's beloved younger brother died suddenly 3 mths before her wedding but she still went ahead with it - it brought some comfort to the whole family.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

cathpip · 23/09/2015 17:50

Op I will tell you about my sisters wedding, eastenders couldn't write a better storyline.
My twin sister got married abroad and just by themselves so had organised an evening reception with cake and speeches etc for a couple of months later. Everyone super excited, family and friends arrived from everywhere, and then 3 hours before the start our mum collapsed and died suddenly from a cardiac arrest, this was in front of my younger sister who despite her efforts of CPR and the ambulance crews nothing could be done. My dad insisted on carrying on with the reception, my dh and both sisters dh's went ahead to the venue to inform people as they arrived, it was looking back so surreal but it was the right thing to do for us, esp as we were all surrounded by people who loved us.
I'm very sorry about your loss, don't postpone December is enough weeks away. Xx

GloGirl · 23/09/2015 17:51

A wedding is a celebration of love. After a death, more of it is needed than ever.

If your heart tells you that going forward is the right thing to do then do it. Work with your grief, not against it.

Flowers
TheCatsMother99 · 23/09/2015 17:51

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your sister. My friend's brother took his own life so I've had a slither of an insight but I still can't imagine how you're feeling.

You need to do whatever feels right for you, if you want to continue with your original date in December then that's what you should do. I know it's something that's said over and over again but what would your sister want you to do?

Whenever you go ahead, whether it's this December, the following one or a far off date, it'll still be a difficult time for you and your loved ones so you need to do whatever is right for you at whatever chosen time.

My sincere thoughts are with you, your family and your sisters friends Flowers

Tootsiepops · 23/09/2015 17:53

We buried my 29 y/o brother in Feb 2012, and I got married Aug 2012. I don't regret it at all - it gave my parents something else to focus on, and the day took on extra significance as it was a chance for our family to get together for happy reasons.

Flowers whatever I've been there and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

Welshmaenad · 23/09/2015 17:53

We got married a short while after one of my DH's cousins killed himself (I appreciate this in a totally different league to losing your sister). We were not planning on inviting cousins as we have huge families but decided to invite the cousins from that 'branch' to give them a positive family occasion to look forward to, many of them travelled great distances just to come to the evening reception.

It was lovely, and everyone appreciates the chance to get together for a happy occasion, having last seen each other en mass at his funeral. There were a fair few toasts to his memory, but it was a tinge of sadness rather than casting a pall over things.

I think you should have your wedding, and celebrate your marriage. I don't like saying things like 'your sister would have wanted it' because frankly how would I know, but I do think that even in the face of terrible loss, love is something worth celebrating.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and so glad your DF is such a support to you. Flowers

OneDay103 · 23/09/2015 17:54

I think if you do want your family members there you need to find out how they feel about it. You can go ahead if you really want, but be prepared and accepting of family members who don't want to attend.

Thefuckinggrinch · 23/09/2015 17:54

It will be hard if it is in 3 months or 3 years. As Meditrina said I would go ahead with it but maybe just ignore some of the little bits (table favours, excessive decor etc) if they were causing me too much stress.

Pull in close family to help plan. It will be a good distraction at time of pain to have something positive to look forward to. No one will judge you. This was planned before, it isn't as if you are deciding now to do it.

A close relative of mine got married not to long after her mum passed away. We were all a little subdued, especially as we could see touches in the wedding the we could tell her mum did) but the wedding was amazing, we had a great day and it was fantastic to have something positive to celebrate at that time.

You can get together with other close family and find a way to pay tribute to her on the day maybe? A friend who lost a sibling had a photo on the top table in one of the places and they all raised a glass to them in their absence.

Also maybe see if you can find a space where people can go if they need to escape for a bit? Maybe an outdoor area or a small side room?

So sorry to hear of your loss Flowers

verenti · 23/09/2015 17:55

I think it will be hard day in some ways whether it's this December or in a years' time. I would go ahead it with

I was thinking the same.

BoyScout · 23/09/2015 17:56

Well, I don't think you would be unreasonable to go ahead.

But it would also not be unreasonable to cancel either and if you're worried about people's plans, I'm positive they would understand.

Do what you want, anyone who judges you either way is no friend.

BoskyCat · 23/09/2015 17:58

So sorry about your sister OP, how awful for you all Flowers

If you want to go ahead, you should follow your heart. I think whether you do, or put it off, you will be thinking of her on the day. Perhaps you could have something at the wedding to remember her by, like a special song or her favourite colour (not if it would be upsetting, but if it would help)

Could a friend be appointed to take on some of the booking stuff and just show you ideas to approve and go off and do the donkey work? It could a a wedding present from them if you know someone who'd be good at it (like when a friend does the cake etc.)

AlpacaPicnic · 23/09/2015 17:58

I think you are probably still in shock and you shouldn't make any rash decisions yet. If you feel closer to the time of the wedding that you don't wish to go ahead with it, then you can cancel anytime - but I honestly don't think you'll want to.

I'm so sorry.

KitKat1985 · 23/09/2015 17:58

I would go ahead for all the reasons you have given.

I went to a friend's wedding where her Mum had passed away relatively recently from cancer. They took some time after the ceremony and pre-reception to release some balloons for her and speak about how they wish she could have been there. It was a really moving moment. Maybe you could do something similar?

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