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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to continue with wedding despite sisters death?

71 replies

whatever22 · 23/09/2015 17:32

My wedding is planned for the coming December.

Two weeks ago my sister killed herself. We didn't see it coming and it has shocked and devestated my family.

Aibu to not cancel the wedding?

My first impulse when my fiancé gently asked if I wanted to put the wedding back was to cling to him tightly and say I wanted to marry him more than ever (which I do, he has supported me so much through this). All my reasons for marrying (we're planning to start a family etc) are still valid. I don't much feel like having a party, but I also feel it is nice to have a 'positive thing' for us all to look forward to. (Plus, lots of people have booked hotel rooms, made plans to travel etc).

But I also feel profoundly guilty about continuing with planning. Like how can I think about shopping for bridesmaids dresses and centrepeices and photographers when my sister is dead? But if I am going forward with the wedding then my friends need to know what they are going to wear, and photographers will still get booked up

I feel like I can't ask my family as they are so invested in not hurting me they won't tell me the truth.

OP posts:

CuppaSarah · 23/09/2015 18:00

Going ahead is absolutely the right thing to do. I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

It's a bit different but when my cousin died, very suddenly and unexpectedly his sister was 7 months pregnant. Obviously she couldn't put her she date back. But it gave the family something positive to focus on and really helped his family get back on track and learn to live with their grief.

I hope you have beautiful wedding.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/09/2015 18:02

I'm so sorry for your loss.

DH's dad died of a terminal illness about a month before our wedding. We offered to cancel it for the sake of MIL but she told us to go ahead as she needed something to feel cheerful about. Then my grandmother and a great friend of mine died in the same month

On the day I felt really strongly that there needed to be some kind of acknowledgement of those three deaths. So I made a short speech in honour of the three people who should have been there but weren't, everyone sobbed and raised their glasses and it became part of a lovely day that had some space for loss as well as happiness.

In the end you might feel a different decision is right for your family, but my experience was that there needn't be a competition between bereavement and the joyfulness of a wedding - in fact they can completely coexist. Life is pretty bittersweet most of the time and as long as you aren't hung up on having a Disney wedding it will just become part of the fabric of things.

ToTheGups · 23/09/2015 18:04

I think you should carry on as planned of you feel able. It will give something else to focus on. Maybe enlist more help from your dp if you feel overwhelmed with the planning.

Sorry for your loss.

wannaBe · 23/09/2015 18:05

I am so sorry for your loss. as you have said in your op, your reasons for wanting to marry your dp haven't changed, how you have the wedding is of course up to you, but ultimately life does go on even after such a tragic loss.

slightly different but my aunt was killed in a car crash three weeks before my wedding, cancelling the wedding wasn't a consideration, but thought was given to my dad's side of the family who were obviously still in shock.

Pancakeflipper · 23/09/2015 18:10

If you can face the planning then going ahead gives something positive to focus on. As others say it's lovely to gather in at a happy occasion after such a tragedy.

My friend lit a candle at the ceremony and the reception for her sister and the priest referred to her sister at the start of the service, a lovely speech about our missing loved ones, how our thoughts joined us all together again etc. It was touching, emotional and not as sad as we thought it would be.

goodiegoodieyumyum · 23/09/2015 18:10

Si sorry for your loss. My friend was killed in a car accident in the way home from his brothers wedding rehearsal. His brother still got married the next day as the family felt that is what he would have wanted. Do you think your sister would have wanted you to postpone your wedding, or celebrate the fact you have met the man you want to spend the rest if your life with.

DinosaursRoar · 23/09/2015 18:13

Sorry for your loss.

I would say if you feel you can carry on with the planning and work for the wedding, you should do, by the time of your wedding, it'll be 3 months since it happened and perhaps it would be good for your family to have an event to get everyone together and have some time that's not focussed on their loss.

I would agree with PP that whenever you hold your wedding, it'll be tough.

You might find the planning jobs help give you something to distract you.

3littlebadgers · 23/09/2015 18:14

Oh op, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I think it is the right thing to do to carry on with the wedding. As you said, you want to marry your fiancé more than ever now, and you want to get married as a first step to starting a family. Your poor sister, for what ever reason could not go on with her life, but you have something to live for, a man who you love and want to share your life with, and the promise of a family together. You want to chose life, and I am sure your sister will be wanting that for you too. To me, as heavy as you heart is feeling, having something to celebrate, even in grief is a gift.
If you were worried about doing all of the jolly wedding things, while your sister has died, maybe you could consider having a small tribute to her in you day. Maybe you could release a balloon or a dove or light a special candle in her honour. It would be a way to include her in your special day, and as sad as it will be I think it would be much appreciated by your family.
I hope whatever decision you come to it brings you some peace

MrsDeVere · 23/09/2015 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3littlebadgers · 23/09/2015 18:24

MrsDeVere has made a very good point that I think you should consider. I am 6 months on from the loss of dd and it is getting harder rather than easier. I also think that people are just that much more sensitive to your grief when it is recent. As time goes on there is that sort of unspoken pressure to move on, which is sometimes the last thing you can do.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/09/2015 18:25

I am so very sorry for your loss OP

Grief is a funny old thing and different for everyone and every circumstance. My DDad died four weeks ago tomorrow, and tomorrow night I am going to a big party. And looking forward to it.

Now I don't think for one minute that losing my Dad (at his time of life, after a long illness, mercifully quick at the end, still in possession of all his faculties yadda yadda) is anything like the tragic and traumatic loss of your sister, but I don't think there is actually a right or wrong answer here. You just have to figure out and do what is right for you.

For me, morbid humour appears to be working for the time being.

For you, to me it sounds like you really want to be married to your DF and I think it would bring you a lot of comfort.

Osolea · 23/09/2015 18:27

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.

In your position, I'd go ahead with the wedding.

Kbear · 23/09/2015 18:29

I am so sorry about your sister OP but I'm in agreement that you should go ahead.

ThomasRichard · 23/09/2015 18:35

Sorry for your loss OP

I'd go ahead with it. As other people have said, it's ok to not worry about doing the fussy bits - favours etc. - if it's stressing you out. For the bridesmaid dresses, how about giving each bridesmaid a budget and a colour and get them to choose their own outfit?

Merguez · 23/09/2015 18:37

Sorry to hear about your sister.

I think that if you want to go ahead with the wedding now, you should do so.

And I am sure that at some point during the day you will want to acknowledge and remember your sister, and that would be fine too.

DinosaursRoar · 23/09/2015 18:37

MrsDV makes a good point, including, I assume, that the main elements have already been organised, have you got your venue (ceremony & reception) booked, invite list sorted and invites out already, or at least ready to go, dress organised? It sounds like the stuff you have yet to plan and book are the bits that don't really matter, and could be sorted in a few hours.

If you cancel and start again, you will have a much bigger job on your hands, and also wedding planning might well be associated with your loss.

Merguez · 23/09/2015 18:39

Just read OtheHugeManatee's post and think she gives very good advice.

MamaLazarou · 23/09/2015 18:39

YANBU. Go ahead and have a wonderful day. I'm so sorry for your loss

PressTheAButton · 23/09/2015 18:48

Id go ahead. You might have to go with the flow a bit but I think it should be ok.

It might be easier if you 'tell' your relatives what you want to do rather that ask everyone what they think. As long as your parents are on board then it should be fine.

A lot of people like to honour people who have recently died at wedding but, if it were me I might not do anything more than a mention at the wedding. It's important that you try not to feel any guilt about your wedding.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Nibledbyducks · 23/09/2015 18:52

My DD was born 2 months after my 3 sons' s father committed suicide. I actually had to ask my ex husband's parents to delay the funeral a day because I had a scan.
DD was a wonderful happy thing after a lot if sadness.
I've suffered a fair number of bereavements, and in my experience the phrase "life us for the living" is one that sticks with me, and by living I mean both the people and the action.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/09/2015 18:58

I lost my dad 6 months before my wedding. My BiL gave me away and as part of his duties made a lovely toast to my dad in his speech.

This post resonated with me:

"I think you should have your wedding, and celebrate your marriage. I don't like saying things like 'your sister would have wanted it' because frankly how would I know, but I do think that even in the face of terrible loss, love is something worth celebrating."

I am so sorry for your loss

LurcioAgain · 23/09/2015 19:06

Sorry to hear about your sister (I lost my sister at a young age - it is a terrible thing to go through).

I think your reasons for wanting to go ahead sound very positive and a great celebration of all that is best about marriage. (Mutual support and being there for each other and building a family).

JillBYeats · 23/09/2015 19:08

It'll be good for your family to get together under happier circumstances, though I would imagine still somewhat subdued - but 12 months won't change that much so I would go ahead this December.

nephrofox · 23/09/2015 19:11

I would go ahead.

Whatever plagued your sister won't be mended by you not getting on with your life. Your parents want you to be happy.

scarlets · 23/09/2015 19:22

I'm leaning towards "go ahead", along with the majority on this thread it seems.

Sorry for your loss.

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