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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to continue with wedding despite sisters death?

71 replies

whatever22 · 23/09/2015 17:32

My wedding is planned for the coming December.

Two weeks ago my sister killed herself. We didn't see it coming and it has shocked and devestated my family.

Aibu to not cancel the wedding?

My first impulse when my fiancé gently asked if I wanted to put the wedding back was to cling to him tightly and say I wanted to marry him more than ever (which I do, he has supported me so much through this). All my reasons for marrying (we're planning to start a family etc) are still valid. I don't much feel like having a party, but I also feel it is nice to have a 'positive thing' for us all to look forward to. (Plus, lots of people have booked hotel rooms, made plans to travel etc).

But I also feel profoundly guilty about continuing with planning. Like how can I think about shopping for bridesmaids dresses and centrepeices and photographers when my sister is dead? But if I am going forward with the wedding then my friends need to know what they are going to wear, and photographers will still get booked up

I feel like I can't ask my family as they are so invested in not hurting me they won't tell me the truth.

OP posts:

FishWithABicycle · 23/09/2015 19:23

Absolutely go ahead and marry him on schedule. It isn't disrespectful of your sister's memory, I am sure if there's an after life she'll be boogieing on down to whatever disco anthems you have picked and celebrating your marriage with you.

If your grieving now interferes with your ability to pick flowers, centrepieces, dresses or photographers that is OK. Your wedding will be just as valid and special if you have none of these things and get married in jeans. Don't sweat the petty stuff and keep things simple.

LieselVonTwat · 23/09/2015 19:25

You would BU neither to cancel nor to continue.

LittleRedRidingHoodie1 · 23/09/2015 19:26

Go ahead. It celebrates your relationship with your partner and will also be lovely for your parents.

Zola1980 · 23/09/2015 19:27

My brother died unexpectedly a few months before our wedding. I'm so glad we went ahead as more than anything it gave my parents something to look forward to and they've since said it was the first day after he died that they felt positive about the future.
Sorry for your loss x

BeaLola · 23/09/2015 19:29

I am so very sorry OP for your loss and your family.

I would go ahead. My Mum died 2 weeks before I got married. We thought about postponing it but then I thought it's the day she knew about and if I postpone it all I will think about on the new day is the fact that we postponed it because my Mum died and would feel worse. Nothing sadly could change the fact that she had died and I knew she would want us to go ahead and celebrate a day she was so looking forward to.

On the day we had a dedication to her as the first page of our order of service, I had chosen her favourite reading about life and as I got ready at my home I had an out loud chat with her. We all had a lovely day - she was so missed but she was with us in our hearts and memories.

Whatever you decide/ do I wish you the very best, lots of strength to get through the tough days ahead. And very importantly sounds like you have a keeper of a partner.

Crazypetlady · 23/09/2015 21:17

So sorry for your loss o.p

Starkswillriseagain · 23/09/2015 21:51

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I think YANBU at all. I know someone who lost her parent just before her wedding. It was hard they had a lovely day and the family really came together.

TheSecondOfHerName · 23/09/2015 21:55

My brother killed himself last year. We were all due to go on a family holiday together two months later, and due to coroner/inquest delays the holiday was only one week after his funeral. To some people, it might seem bizarre that we went anyway, but for us it was the right thing to do.

OhHelpOhNoItsaGrufallo · 23/09/2015 21:58

I echo others, only you can decide what is the way forward for you.
But for what it's worth, I think going ahead will give you all something positive to focus on.
It doesn't mean you are betraying your sister in any way, or forgetting her.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

eightytwenty · 23/09/2015 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrapBag · 23/09/2015 22:18

If you feel it would help then carry on. As many posters have shared, people pass away all the time and unfortunately it wouldn't be possible to always put things on hold because of it.

SonnyNoChance · 23/09/2015 22:19

I would go ahead

Haffdonga · 23/09/2015 22:26

I'm so sorry OP

There really is no right or wrong in this situation except what is best for you and your family. I know most people have said go ahead, and probably in your position I'd agree.

But - I had a conversation not very long ago with someone who married the day after a close family member died. They felt they had to go ahead with the wedding because everything was organised, people had travelled from abroad and booked hotels etc. I'm sorry to say she regretted going ahead as she felt the whole day was coloured by other people's grief. She said to me how looking back she felt it was so silly to worry about cancelling because of course everyone would have understood.

I'm sure this wouldn't be the same for you as the time gap is very different, but I just wanted to say that whatever you choose, don't either go ahead or postpone because you feel obliged to, or you're worried about what other people will think. Do only what you think will make you and your dh as content as you can both be. I wish you and your family well.

eurochick · 23/09/2015 22:29

I'd go ahead too.

As so many family and friends will be gathered for your wedding, might it be appropriate to have some sort of service of remembrance the day before?

Pilgit · 23/09/2015 22:47

I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you all must be feeling. I would go ahead (but equally can see why you wouldn't). Weddings are new beginnings.

mumeeee · 24/09/2015 00:49

Sorry for your lose OP. Yanbu to go head with the wedding as others have said it will give people something positive to focus on.

kungpopanda · 24/09/2015 01:04

For what it's worth I think any kind of conventional, let alone big, wedding, would be inappropriate, and very tough on your parents. If you feel you must get married to timetable, have a very scaled down event (not sure what country you are in but, were it UK - just register office, witnesses). If the frills matter to you, postpone it.

Condolences on your loss.

snoozum · 24/09/2015 02:15

So sorry for your loss OP. Are your parents alive? Maybe expressing the same sentiments to them you've heart-warmingly described above may help you accept that YANBU in the slightest. I lost my own sister in similar circumstances over a decade ago and it absolutely blew our family apart; lots of blame, hate and general destructiveness ensued over the following weeks and months and many relationships never recovered. Maybe if we'd had something nice to focus our emotions on things might have turned out better :)

goddessofsmallthings · 24/09/2015 03:47

I am so sorry for your loss.

Whatever you've planned for your wedding, whether it's to be a grand occasion or a more intimate celebration, I hope you will go ahead as happy memories of your special day will give comfort to you and your family on what will be the first unutterably sad Christmas without your dsis.

Don't feel guilty about continuing with what needs to be done - you've got a show to put on and I have no doubt your dsis will be voicing her encouragement from the wings and giving a thumbs up, or down as the case may be , to the eventual choice of bridesmaids' dresses and all of the other items you'll need to source and have in place on the date.

daisychain01 · 24/09/2015 04:06

As others have said, awful things punctuate our lives, it's difficult and painful to have to carry on with big events like your wedding when you and your family are coming to terms with your DSis loss.

It will be bittersweet but if you feel it's appropriate maybe say a few well chosen words to acknowledge your DSis on the day so she is still a part of your happy day.

Sorry for your loss.

GoringBit · 24/09/2015 06:32

I do think that even in the face of terrible loss, love is something worth celebrating.

I think this is beautifully put and - if it feels right for you, OP - reason enough to go ahead with your wedding.

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