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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is damn weird (wedding related, I know everyone loves a wedding thread)

83 replies

CruCru · 23/09/2015 15:11

My brother is getting married in a few weeks. He and his fiancée have paid for most of the wedding themselves.

They've invited my mum's cousin (she knows her from when they were young but we haven't met her). Apparently her son saw the invitation and asked if he could go (no).

Since then, the cousin has repeatedly asked if she could bring him. AIBU to find this a bit weird? My mum is now worrying that the cousin will turn up with her son despite being told no.

It is a formal sit down dinner etc not a buffet so it will be super embarrassing if he does turn up as there will be nowhere for him on the table setting.

OP posts:

pizzaeatingmonkey · 24/09/2015 10:46

It is now mumsnet law that all groom's must have a PA; I predict that the term 'best man' will be relegated to history as sexist and antiquated.

Original poster

CruCru · 24/09/2015 10:52

He could probably use a PA. But I don't think he is important enough to have one.

OP posts:

Original poster

CruCru · 24/09/2015 11:09

Ah, Jawanna makes an interesting point. Should you only invite people to a wedding if you are also prepared to give them a plus one?

OP posts:

CrapBag · 24/09/2015 11:28

I don't agree that everyone should have a plus 1. We had a major falling out with my wedding about this as my cousin wanted to bring her boyfriend and we said no. The whole family would have been there, it's not like she didn't know anyone and if she had had a plus 1 we would have had to give one to many cousins so it was same rule for all. My friends didn't get plus ones either (although all but 1 wasn't married anyway). You could easily add 100's on to the bill, have to have it in a different to place to where you want or leave people out you actually want there just to accommodate a plus 1 for everyone.

This cousin is very rude and I'd be tempted to say that if it is such a problem for her that her son cannot attend then no one will think badly of her for turning the invite down! I'd bet money that she turns up with him btw. Yes please update.

Jux · 24/09/2015 12:22

That would be ridiculous, wouldn't it, Cru? In my family you might squeeze the whole lot of them in to the Dome with plus ones, but there'd be no room for friends, godparents etc., especially not if they had to have plus ones too. What a silly idea.

SilverOldie2 · 24/09/2015 14:22

It'a bad form for the cousin to keep asking and I see absolutely no problem with people being invited to a wedding without a +1.

I would contact the cousin and firmly say that as already explained, there is insufficient room at the venue to include her son. If this means she is unable to attend that's a pity but could she let you know as soon as possible. The end.

JawannaDrink · 24/09/2015 15:06

Not every person needs a plus one, work collegues for example who all know each other and come as a group or similarly groups of friends. But an older relative who won't know the majority of other guests should definitely get a plus one. If you can't afford or have space for one she shouldn't have been invited.

Original poster

CruCru · 24/09/2015 17:14

Well, the invitations were up to the bride and groom. Perhaps she just won't come on the day.

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 24/09/2015 18:12

I bet they both turn up on the day, and would advise your DB to think about how he will react if they do!

BoyScout · 24/09/2015 18:20

Well, I don't think the cousin is frail. Would you like me to update if he does turn up at the wedding?

Hmm, let me think........

Oly5 · 24/09/2015 20:19

I think people who organise weddings should really think about all the people they invite who don't have a plus one. Going to a wedding on your own when you might not know many people is horrible. Most of the invitees are couples in this situation. Have a little concern for the fact she is probably very worried about going on her own. Yes she could decline, but she probably would really like to see your mum on this big occasion

sadwidow28 · 27/09/2015 23:23

Oly5 makes a good point.

I was widowed aged 46 yrs old - no children - live at a distance from my family. I have never sought a 2nd partner and that is my life choice having met and married the only person I wanted to be with.

As I come from a big family, weddings, christenings and significant birthdays are a big feature in the annual calendar. I am usually seated on a table with my elderly mother - particularly when the bride and groom are mixing families together on tables. She's deaf; demanding; unpleasant and toxic. If her meal 'has too much grizzle', I have to swap my plate. If there is too much on it, I have to organise another plate and put half onto it. If she wants a cup of tea, I have to track down the busy caterers...... etc etc

The other alternative is that I get seated next to my great-nieces/nephews and I have to help with child-care and entertainment during the meal.

I find these special occasions very isolating and missing my DH comes all the more the the fore-front of my mind.

My only solace and escape is to go back to my room, collect the animals and walk them. I have no neighbours or local friends to provide animal care so I have always had to bring my animals with me for family occasions. I book into the wedding venue if it is pet-friendly, or I book into the nearest pet-friendly hotel to the venue.

Yes - that is how I am the Aunty who turns up to a wedding with the dog and the cat (only a dog these days).

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2015 23:59

CruCru in your shoes I would explain to you brother and his fiancée what has been said and explain it is stressing your mum out.

In your mum's shoes I would explain that who comes to the wedding is really NOT up to her.

In your brother and his fiancée's shoes I would invite the cousin's son. Life is too short to worry about whether a guest's son will turn up uninvited at their wedding. And if he were to turn up uninvited (if I were the bride) I would ask the staff at the venue to make room for him and give him a dinner, because life is too short to turn away a guest at a wedding.

Yes it is rude to ask repeatedly and yes it is a shame your mum's cousin does not seem to feel able to come to the wedding without her son. But Ido think life is too short to sweat this small stuff in this way and in a way the cousin's tenacity, although annoying, may be better to be dealt with now and to know that there will be one more guest to accommodate than to live with the 'worry' that he may turn up (IMHO).

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2015 23:59

PS it's not weird, it's annoying and it's rude by it's not weird.

Hygge · 28/09/2015 00:33

You're going to have to keep checking for threads on child free weddings now OP, just in case someone pops up to complain that she can't bring her 40-something child to a wedding with her.

asilverraindrop · 28/09/2015 09:51

When I got married, many years ago, MIL wanted to invite her neighbours, including their two adult children. Fair enough, the two families had grown up together and were quite close. However, the neighbour then asked if her daughter could bring a friend - not a partner, a friend - because she would enjoy it more then. We had to agree, but I still think it was bizarre to ask; we got married from MIL's house so home village for this young woman, she knew quite a few other guests, plus all her immediate family there too!

TidyDancer · 28/09/2015 10:26

It's not rude to not have a +1 in all circumstances, but it is if the guest is going to be on their own otherwise. And no way would I have a 60+ family member (no matter how close to the couple they may or may not be) alone at a wedding.

sadwidow28 · 28/09/2015 17:47

My last family wedding was August 2014. I travelled with the dog and booked in for 2 nights. I had to do a nearby B&B for that one as the venue was not pet-friendly. But I booked an extra room for a 70yr old friend who can manage to do 'dog-care' in short spurts. (He can't do the dog's medication for example, but he can walk him short distances).

I was seated next to a nephew on my left who was so engaged with his DW, DM and DCs that we hardly spoke. I had a stranger on my right and strangers opposite (long tables). I simply couldn't eat the meal because I was so stressed. I refused the sweet course and made my excuses to leave .... I went back to the B&B in a taxi pretty sharpish!

Of course I had felt like a spare part throughout the 3 hours of wedding photos! I had to be there for when they called "bride's family"; "bride's aunties/uncles"; "bride's female family"; "all guests" etc

frumpet · 28/09/2015 20:59

sadwidow28 if I ever get married again you are on my top table

frumpet · 28/09/2015 21:03

Canine plus ones will be catered for

sadwidow28 · 28/09/2015 21:11

Oh Fank U frumpet

I feels very honoured and unworthy.

.

I do have some super, stunning BIG hats though! And I mean BIG! I was hiding under them. I wouldn't let you down frumpet - not at all.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/09/2015 21:22

I think sometimes it would be better not to invite people at all if you can't invite a plus one. I agree it's fine to invite people alone if they're going to know and enjoy the company of other people there.

The cousin should have just declined. Might be time for brother to say "we're unable to accommodate your son, if you don't feel able to come without him then we won't be offended if you decide not to come. I expect mum would love to catch up with you some other time. We need to know by X."

zzzzz · 28/09/2015 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChattingAway · 29/09/2015 09:09

I agree with zzzzz, I think it's rude to not allow people to come to a formal event with a +1.

If the wedding is a casual, party type of event, then it wouldn't always be necessary. Or if one table at a formal event was set aside for work colleagues (all being single, not leaving just one of them as a single).

You might want as many of your friends at your wedding as possible, but you might also want to consider ensuring that your friends want to come as well, and that when they attend they enjoy themselves.

Don't you WANT your wedding to be remembered by your friends fondly?

Original poster

CruCru · 29/09/2015 15:31

It isn't my wedding. When I got married (quite a long time ago), quite a few people came as singles (even some who were given a plus one). This included friends of my parents.

OP posts:

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