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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about this girl

110 replies

JKsHair · 23/09/2015 09:51

Apologies if this post is a bit convoluted.

My DC go to a primary school which is attached to a secondary. One of the families at the school have DC at the primary and secondary. The oldest girl left the secondary six months ago to have a baby, she was year 11 when she left. She has a younger sister in Year 9 and then some siblings in the primary school.

Since she had the baby I think i've seen her twice with the child. She came to pick up her siblings with the baby a few times just after she had the child and came to the primary sports day with the rest of her family. The mum/dad/grandparents also came.

Since then the baby is always with the younger girl (the girl in year 9). She takes the younger DC to school in the morning and always has the baby with her. Sometimes she has her uniform on but doesn't seem to be going to school as I see her pushing the pram the opposite way on the way home. She also picks the DC up from the primary before the secondary kicks out. Yesterday I picked DS from football and she had the baby again and was picking one of her siblings up from the club.

I've seen her quite a few times in the local area pushing the pram around (again she sometimes has her uniform on but doesn't seem to be near the school). She picks the youngest DC up most days. My friend has a DS in her year and I asked him last week if he knew her and he said I think she only comes in half days nobody really knows her.

Anyway cut to this morning and I was walking behind her after drop off and her older sister (the babies mum) came the other way. Younger girl shouts at her 'where the fuck have you been you need to take x' the older girl shouts back 'I'm not fucking taking her i've got to go to y's house fucking take her home' Hmm Ignoring the swearing AIBU to think someone should be asking why this girl seems to be taking care of this baby and siblings all day and not in school?

I was speaking to DP about it and he said its none of my business and she probably doesn't look after her all day. He also said the school probably know whats going on and don't need me gossiping.

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 23/09/2015 11:02

LoseLooseLucy Do you not understand that people are concerned about the welfare of the 13 year old, not the baby?

NotYouNaanBread · 23/09/2015 11:07

I can't believe that "none of your business" is the response. Is this one of the reasons that the plight of girls from poor backgrounds is ignored in this country? If a child has had a baby and has handed over the care of this baby to an even younger child, with both young girls now out of education, then the school needs to be informed. Obv. they know about the older girl, but they may not have a clue about the younger girl or have written her off as coming from a chaotic household, and what can you do?

They need to know that the younger girl is being lumbered with a baby to take care of instead of staying in school. Both the baby and the 13 year old child are being neglected if this is the case.

LineyReborn · 23/09/2015 11:08

Exactly. The 13 year old is having her educational chances trashed, missing out on seeing her friends at school, missing out on interacting with teachers at school, possibly missing lunch, missing sports, missing her whole social and learning environment. She's only a child.

Battleshiphips2 · 23/09/2015 11:10

I would worry about it and possibly mention it to the school. Although I wouldn't try to befriend the girl as an pp suggested. That could backfire. If you are really concerned then speak to someone in authority about it. I sometimes see 14 year olds picking their siblings up in my ds primary. But I know the families and the primary is on the way home for the older siblings.

LuckyBitches · 23/09/2015 11:14

I echo the earlier comment about the possibility of the school NOT being involved. I bunked off relentlessly at her age to the point where just dropped out completely at 15, and the school never raised it with my parents, not once. I'm still angry about it really - I wish someone had intervened. It wouldn't hurt to let the school know that you've noticed what's going on.

TheRealMBJ · 23/09/2015 11:23

I would report. You can't fix this or involved really but it is absolutely your place to report what you have seen to the safeguarding offer at the school and to social services.

Mrsjayy · 23/09/2015 11:27

Do you even know their names and where they live if you reported it ? I think 1 more call might help her get back to school but maybe the kid has other problems and that why she is on half days i am not of the none of your bussiness brigade I think child welfare is all our bussiness but i dont know what good it would do you reporting it but if it makes you feel like you are doing something then contact the school and raise your concerns

Lurkedforever1 · 23/09/2015 11:31

I think it absolutely is your business. Neglect and abuse are often like jigsaws, everyone has tiny pieces and unless they put them together it's hard to get a clear picture.
I would recommend going to the secondary head and factually repeating what you've seen. Obviously they can't tell you if ss or school are already aware of problems, however you can ask whether the head would like you to leave it with them, or would the correct course of action be to contact childrens services yourself. At the least, you're just repeating something already known. Or you could be providing the last piece that gets something done.

Just for reference, the nspcc advice line are good for impartial advice. They tell you before you share anything that they can breach the calls confidentiality if it's a safeguarding issue, and will give accurate advice as to what your options are otherwise.

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 23/09/2015 11:33

Maybe the younger girl is a serial truant and the school and parents are happy with half days (as happened with my friend's DS)

Perhaps to get her to be more responsible they've asked her to help care for the baby when she's not expected at school so she's not getting in to other problems.

Perhaps her older sister is at college and their parents are ill who knows, but I'm sure SS and the school will be well aware of what's going on.

I'm always amazed by how many on here are so shocked by this sort of thing. This is a regular thing on the estate where I live and I live in a 'posh Tory' town.

margeys · 23/09/2015 11:35

I would report it. The school will know this girls is not attending school, but they may not know why.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 23/09/2015 11:37

when exactly is it your business then Hmm

Report it to you local ss what happens will be out of your hands a child who is in year 9 should be at school or home educated which clearly is not the case as she is wearing school uniform

the family need support the girl needs to be in school

Spartans · 23/09/2015 11:57

Allowing your child to miss school to look after their sisters baby is neglect.

Maybe there is a good reason and the school know. So if the OP tells them nothing will happen.

Or maybe this girls life is going to shit and no one cares.

Badders123 · 23/09/2015 12:06

You know what?
I would have been so glad if someone had worried about me at that age!
My parents did the best they could, but my mum was recovering from major surgery and my dad had to work.
So that meant I had to stay home and look after mum, cook, clean, wash.
I was 11 and look after my siblings.
Not all families are neglectful but it could mean they get some much needed input from SS.

ARockNRollNerd · 23/09/2015 12:09

There could be several reasons why this is happening. The school and SS may very well be aware of it/dealing with it already.
What if they're not?
I'm sure we'd all like to think that children are looked out for by such authorities and therefore things like this aren't our business, but awful things do happen and go unnoticed.

What is the worst that could happen if OP approached school/SS/mentioned advice lines?
The authorities will either say 'Yes we are aware', 'No we're not aware but it's ok' or 'No we're not ok, it doesn't sound ok and we will look into it''

What is the worst that could happen if OP thinks it's none of her business?
There's potential for babies mum, baby and the young girl in year 9 to all suffer. From lack of help for the young mum, for the baby not to get the care it needs, for the girl to miss out on her education, and who knows what else.

I know which I'd choose.

jonicomelately · 23/09/2015 12:09

I'm not in the slightest bit "shocked' that this sort of thing happens, but that doesn't mean it's ok for the girl concerned to be missing so much school at a crucial time in her education.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/09/2015 12:11

Allowing your child to miss school to look after their sisters baby is neglect

There are many legitimate reasons why someone wouldn't be in school full time.

Without knowing those reasons you cannot be so clear that any neglect is involved

RandomSocks · 23/09/2015 12:22

YANBU to be concerned about this girl.

I hope the family get the support it needs and that the 13-year-old girl can go to school.

Spartans · 23/09/2015 12:25

needs why not read the rest of then post. I said there maybe reasons.

I am absoluley shocked at the people who are making up all sorts of reasons to sit back an ignore it. There is a good chance something is wrong that should be enough

Spartans · 23/09/2015 12:30

Ok so OP calls the school, the school are aware of a reason this isn't neglect or that the family doesn't need (or is getting support), what's the worst that will happen.

On the other hand the girls life could be ahit and she is missing out on school, the Op reports rather than buries her head and the family and girl (hopefully) get support.

I know which I would do

lotrben17 · 23/09/2015 12:52

i'd at least talk to the school too. Can't see the harm really, and there's a baby involved that may also not be being adequately looked after.

MajesticWhine · 23/09/2015 12:54

Don't ignore it. I think it is quite right to be concerned, and yes it is neglect (not of the baby but the 13/14 year old girl). I think speaking to someone at school in the first instance is the best way to go about this. It's not gossiping, it is showing concern for a child, and quite rightly so. If the school know about it, then apparently they haven't taken steps to sort it out.

contrary13 · 23/09/2015 13:00

Whatever is going on, I think it's fairly obvious that the family probably needs support from someone, or somewhere.

A Year 11 girl drops out of school - so... maybe 16, but also maybe 15 years old - to have a baby. Which is then left in the care of a Year 9 child on a regular basis...

This is raising huge red flags for me.

Please, if nothing else, either talk to the NSPCC or to the school where you know the Yr 9 girl goes and the Yr 11 girl went. Maybe they're aware... but in all likelihood they're not. At the end of the day, there is a small baby and younger children also involved - not just these "older" girls. And a Yr 9 child should not be left in sole charge of a small baby for any length of time - particularly if it's not their responsibility in the first place.

Original poster
JKsHair · 23/09/2015 13:02

The primary school must be aware as the younger girl picks up her siblings most days (she does sometimes have her mum with her). Also, both of the older girls went to the primary so school knows the family.

I do know their names, vague address

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/09/2015 13:06

What harm will it do to report?

None, so do it.

BoffinMum · 23/09/2015 13:18

I would report this like a shot. Something's going on here and the girl needs to be allowed back to school and to get on with her own life.

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