to have a problem with this teacher?

[Shirleycantbe]

My DD (10) came home from school of Friday upset because she’d been given what sounded like a very hard time by her piano teacher for not having done enough (any) practise. She has started Year 6 and is sitting exams for secondary school entrance in Jan, she’s getting at least 1.5 hours homework a night and is very anxious, stressed and tearful so I haven’t pressured her over piano on top of it all. She told me the teacher was pretty sarcastic and scathing when DD told her she hadn’t had time to practise, asking her what time she went to bed and did she find time to watch TV and when my DD started crying told her there was no need to “have hysterics”.

This isn’t the first time the teacher has been harsh and I’ve heard several complaints from other parents about her attitude towards the children.

I sent an annoyed email saying although I understood it must be frustrating when kids don’t bother practising I wasn’t prepared to have my DD reduced to tears over it at a time when she’s already under a lot of pressure.

The teacher replied with a very lengthy and accusatory email saying my DD’s account wasn’t accurate (amongst other things) and my DD had been surly (DD says she was just feeling really down and so didn’t smile much) and was “very aggressive” when told off about practise. DD totally denies this and it would be entirely out of character for her. She is a shy, polite, rule abiding child.

I’m really upset by this – obviously it’s just her word against my DD’s. I’m honestly not some precious parent who can’t take it if their child is criticised or told off and my DD has plenty of faults. But my DD is upset and asking if she has to carry on with piano and I’m inclined to tell her she doesn’t have to (although I’ve just paid for the whole terms lessons!)

Any advice on how I should handle this?

Whatever the ins and outs of the conversation were, it was enough to upset your DD.

I would just find another teacher - I know it's probably expensive to forgo the money for the term's lessons (is it definitely non-refundable?) but it isn't worth your DD being upset about such a thing.

Or she could just give up the lessons altogether for the time being if she is genuinely finding it too much.

For my dc if there has been a legitimate reason for little practise I tell the teacher. F I haven't told them then I am very happy for the teacher to point it out.

It tells the dc that lack of practise does show, and I does encourage them to practise knowing that they can't hide it.

an hour and a half of homework a night for a 10 year old??? DS is 10 and doesn't get that a week!

I didn't have a problem with her addressing the the lack of practise. It was the fact that she was so harsh and sarcastic about it and then called my DD hysterical when she cried.

OP, she sounds exactly like my piano teacher when I was your DD's age. That miserable cow sucked all the joy out of music for me and I grew to hate the piano so much I stopped playing for years.

If your DD is already struggling emotionally then i would be inclined to give her a break from the piano while you look for a new teacher, someone who actually likes kids and understands that music is supposed to be fun. That's just my two cents but you are the expert in your own child. What does your instinct tell you?

Do you pay privately for these lessons? If so, I'd simply find another teacher once dd was under less pressure.

I'd also send another email to the snarky teacher suggesting they lighten up a bit and cut a tearful 10yo LITTLE GIRL some slack.

There is absolutely no point on your daughter having piano lessons if she is doing no practise. You are wasting your money. Her teacher is right- everyone can find 10 mins a day and 10 mins every day would make a huge difference.
If she doesn't have time to practise at all then you should stop lessons as you are totally wasting your time and money and taking a lesson slot that the teacher could fill elsewhere.
As a piano teacher I can tell you that she will have heard "I haven't had time to practise" approx a million times. It is so frustrating to have to redo an entire lesson because the child has forgotten everything you did last week. Ultimately it's usually the parents of these kids who are asking why little Johnny isn't ready for his grade 1 yet when his friend took his last month.....

I'd knock the piano lessons on the head until after her exams in January.

That way she can still practise for pleasure when she has the time, and start the lessons when she's under less pressure.

It all sounds too much right now for such a young child.

My top practise tip is always try to have the instrument in a place you pass all the time. Keep the lid up and the music open and play a scale/a section every time you pass it. Even one scale (taking 20 secs) practised is better than nothing. Little and often is better than lots and rarely.

Oh and I meant to add, you don't have to play a whole piece every time you practise either. Practise that one tricky bar/phrase for 5 mins then stop.

Definitely move her if you pay privately for those lessons. She needs to learn how to look after her customers.

It is such a waste of time having lessons for an instrument when you aren't prepared to practise. There are pressures throughout life and unless you teach the pupil from a young age that regular practise is the only option when learning an instrument they will not progress. As someone else pointed out ten minutes a day (which anyone could do) is better than no practise at all.

I am sure the teacher was frustrated by parents allowing their children not enforce practise. It is extremely rare for a year 6 to do frequent practise without a parent having to encourage them.

If you want to leave this teacher and go to someone who will not enforce practise then be prepared for a massive decline in progress.

I am also sure that the teacher wouldn't have behaved the way you described if this was a one off. People assume music lessons are like a club you can turn up to each week with zero preparation

I do understand the importance of practise. I just feel that at the moment it's not something I want to give DD a hard time about. I'm slightly also feeling that if DD has to be nagged and nagged to practise then she can't be that keen and it's not worth continuing with the lessons.

You are going on hearsay from your child.

If things are becoming a bit much for your DD then stop lessons for a while and let her concentrate on the school curriculum.

Sounds to me like she is under too much pressure for these exams with 1.5 hours per night of homework. Does she have time for any other hobbies? Teacher sounds like she reacted strangely. Can you reduce the homework load and or encourage 10 mins per day?

I'd be more worried about the stress that 1.5hours+ of homework is putting on her that she starts crying because a teacher thinks she is not practising. I'm not sure the piano teacher is the main culprit here!

She swims for a club so 4 sessions a week of 1-1.5 hours. It does make things busy. I know I'm relying on what my DD says happened - that's what makes it difficult. There's no point getting into a tit for tat over who said what. The fact remains that she was reduced to tears though which I don't feel was necessary.

If it was a one off I'd agree redsky but it's not the first time this teacher has made her cry. And no other teacher ever has so it's not an over sensitivity issue I don't think.

If your DD is struggling with the stress now, will there be less stress when she goes to the secondary school with the entrance exam?

Sounds like a pants set of schools, piano teacher least of it.

Why have you paid for more lessons when you know she hasn't practised and you know she has lots of other work to do?

If it is too stressful practising in year 6 unfortunately she will also be too busy in year 7, 8, 9 etc.

There is never time to practise, however people can find the time by making the time.

There are plenty of teachers out there who accept that their pupils will not practise due to them being busy so I'd suggest to moving to one of those

There are plenty of teachers who will take your money each week regardless of whether your child is making progress...

It's not reasonable to double up in activities that require a significant time commitment. She can't swim 6 hours a week, do 8 or more hours homework, and practice an instrument, on top of school!

The piano teacher sounds unprofessional and I wouldn't be happy with what she said either (or the defensive email) - but the underlying issue here is that a 10 year old child is being put under ridiculous amounts of pressure and unless you back off she is going to crack under the strain.