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AIBU?

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Original poster

My daughter has just become engaged.

83 replies

Lirael66 · 19/09/2015 16:32

My daughter has just become engaged. I am very happy for her and her fiancé. My family have congratulated them and us as the parents of the bride to be. My In laws have congratulated my daughter and my husband by text and telephone calls, however they have completely snubbed me. I actually feel quite hurt, I know they dislike me, but this feels awful its more than dislike, it's disrespectful. Am I just too sensitive? after all it's my daughter that is the important one and they do love her.

OP posts:
TathitiPete · 19/09/2015 18:49

When we got engaged my parents received lots of cards and flowers from their friends

That's a new one on me now. I've never seen nor heard of a 'Congratulations on the engagement of your offspring' card. Maybe they're next to the 'Congratulations on your offsprings anniversary' cards.

Junosmum · 19/09/2015 18:53

My parents and PIL didn't speak until the wedding, having only met once before it. I wouldn't have expected them to congratulate each other or to be congratulated by others, we were the ones congratulated.

ItchyArmpit · 19/09/2015 18:55

The etiquette is that you congratulate the groom on having been so lucky as to get such an amazing missus.

If anything, surely you should be congratulating them?

SurlyCue · 19/09/2015 18:57

for some silly reason I thought it was the groom-to-be's family that had 'snubbed' OP but it was actually her inlaws! so her husband's family. then of course they texted him and not her! why would they need to text them both individually? Confused i'll bet the text either said "congrats on DD's engagement" or it said "congrats to you and lirael on DD's engagement" really no need at all for two individual texts.

Flutterbutterfly · 19/09/2015 18:57

People sent congratulations on becoming a grandparent cards to mil!!!

Fucking hallmark.

SurlyCue · 19/09/2015 19:00

My family have congratulated them and us as the parents of the bride to be.

so your family texted your DH as well as you?

fastdaytears · 19/09/2015 19:00

Surly I read it as that at first too

Stylingwax · 19/09/2015 19:01

I'd had been horrified if my DM had been congratulated when I got engaged. All 3 times Hmm

FluffyNinja · 19/09/2015 19:01

Tricky wow, your wonderfully wise mum is 110 yrs old?

That definitely deserves Congratulations. Flowers

Congratulations on grown up son/daughter getting engaged? Meh.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/09/2015 19:06

Yeah, the congratulations are a bit weird but leaving OP out of the congratulations is weirder, IMO.

MatildaTheCat · 19/09/2015 19:08

Why is it that they don't like you? Might be a good time to try to build a cordial relationship at least. There is no need to be friends with your in laws to be but friendly is good.

Why don't you send a card or something saying how pleased you both are and even suggest a meal at some point.

we need to know why they hate you

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 19/09/2015 19:11

I'm perplexed.

Surely the text from Lirael's PIL to MrLirael would say
'We are so pleased to hear about LittleLirael's engagement, what wonderful news' or
'Congratulations, you must be so pleased for your daughter'
or similar. I really wouldn't expect them to mention Lirael specifically in the text, or text her separately. If they had sent a formal card it may have been odd to only address it to MrLirael, but I have never heard of a Congratulations Your Daughter Is Engaged card. A text is a quick thing, no need to address it formally.

dreadingautumn · 19/09/2015 19:11

Yes and my parents received lots if cards from their friends on the birth of all their grandchildren. They must spend most of their life sending all their friends cards for a hundred random reasons

Tiggeryoubastard · 19/09/2015 19:19

Not disrespectful at all. They rightly assume that no normal person would expect to be congratulated on an engagement that isn't their own. Have you heard of NPD op?

Tiggeryoubastard · 19/09/2015 19:30

If this is typical of op's self obsession then surely it's patently obvious why the poor people don't like her.

Bambambini · 19/09/2015 19:34

Don't know If it's expected but don't friends and family sometimes call or send a message to celebrate good news and show some excitement when the children get engaged or are having a baby? I think that's fairly common where I grew up.

Spartans · 19/09/2015 19:43

If I pass best wishes to someone say for the birth of a grandchild, I wouldnt call both new grandparents. I would call the one I spoke to most and say 'congratulations'.

If I calling someone to wish them a merry Christmas, I don't call the family individually.

If a friends dd was getting married again, I would mention it to the one I spoke to most.

If I didn't get on with my pils I would not expect a call from them if they had spoke to dh. In fact I would expect them to say congratulations at all. Unless it was 'pass our congratulations to dd' .

Not sure how you can get mad at the lack of etiquette, when you made it up.

Spartans · 19/09/2015 19:47

dreading so your parents friends bought them presents when you got engaged? Why?

And your parents 'welcomed them to the family' but aren't actually friendly?

Feels quite odd to welcome them to the family and not treat them as family.

My parents and in laws didn't do that, however they are very friendly and actually treat eachother like family.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 19/09/2015 19:53

My IL's are very into etiquette and I don't think they congratulate parents when their children get engaged. If they're friends of the family they would say 'what lovely news, please congratulate x and x for me' or something along those lines.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/09/2015 20:08

If they don't like you, are you sure they even have your mobile number?

The text to your DH (although entirely unnecessary in any case), would be fine if it includes both of you as a couple.

I agree with Mrs D, you either congratulate the bride to be's parents or you don't. To text one but not the other, presuming you have both numbers, doesn't really seem to be in the spirit of the occasion.

I still think congratulating anyone bar the couple is madness however.

zzzzz · 19/09/2015 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OctoberCupcake · 19/09/2015 20:53

I'm confused.

I text my friend this week to wish them a happy wedding anniversary. Should I have text her DH separately?

I don't believe my Mum was congratulated when DH and I got engaged. She may have made out/still makes out like it was 'her' event, but it wasn't.

Lirael, I think you're being a bit oversensitive. If everyone congratulated your Daughter and/or her beloved, that's all that counts.

RebeccaCloud9 · 19/09/2015 21:24

Ew, what a horrid idea to expect to be personally congratulated. On what, managing to pass on your daughter to a spouse? To have given birth to a woman worthy of a husband? I don't understand why on Earth you should be congratulated?! An 'ooh, isn't it lovely', or a 'pass on our congrats to the couple' but a congratulations to you? Yuck!

nooka · 19/09/2015 21:31

Are the in laws the OP's husband's parents? In which case they have congratulated (weird phrase anyway but never mind) their granddaughter and their son? That doesn't seem too bad, most parents tend to communicate generally through their child don't they?

Or are they the prospective SIL's parents, in which case I'm surprised they know the OP or her husband well enough to send texts/call on the phone. I think that my parents met my FIL (MIL died before we were engaged) once, a week or two before we got married, and not again in the 20 years since!

UterusUterusGhali · 19/09/2015 22:17

Wut?

Please come back op and clear up what the text said.