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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter has just become engaged.

83 replies

Lirael66 · 19/09/2015 16:32

My daughter has just become engaged. I am very happy for her and her fiancé. My family have congratulated them and us as the parents of the bride to be. My In laws have congratulated my daughter and my husband by text and telephone calls, however they have completely snubbed me. I actually feel quite hurt, I know they dislike me, but this feels awful its more than dislike, it's disrespectful. Am I just too sensitive? after all it's my daughter that is the important one and they do love her.

OP posts:
Heathcliff27 · 19/09/2015 17:10

I've never heard of this before either. I'm not sure I know exactly what you were expecting to be congratulated for?

Battleshiphips2 · 19/09/2015 17:10

I have never heard of the parents being congratulated either. I have certainly never congratulated the parents if a newly engaged couple. Maybe this is a cultural tradition? I would just assume the congrats conveyed to my DH would also include me.

Original poster
Lirael66 · 19/09/2015 17:11

I guess I'm just a bit of a ass.....and probably should not care so much for antiquated etiquette. Thank you all for your responses.

OP posts:
SweetTeaVodka · 19/09/2015 17:14

I am so glad that no one else seems to have heard of congratulating the parents on their offspring's engagements, I was almost worried I'd been committing massive faux pas all these years.

Can't see why you require congratulations, an acknowledgment along the lines of "what lovely news" perhaps. And if a couple are together I would send it to one of them and presume he/she would communicate my well wishes to the partner.

Trickydecision · 19/09/2015 17:15

According to my DM, you congratulate the man, but never congratulate the woman; you send or give her best wishes. Apparently congratulating the woman is tantamount to saying she is lucky to have caught a man.
I can't imagine she would even have considered congratulating any of her DILs.
(Her theories might be a bit out of date, she was born in 1905)

m0therofdragons · 19/09/2015 17:17

I'd take the thank you to dh as a message to dh and me but through dh. Would feel very odd if pil called and spoke to dh then asked to speak to me to say the same.

fastdaytears · 19/09/2015 17:18

Of course you're not! It sounds like things with your ILs have been rubbish but don't let it spoil this really lovely time.

I'm not sure it's antiquated etiquette though as none of us have heard of it and I can't find anything anywhere else on line, so maybe it's something that happens in your family/area only and your ILs haven't done anything "wrong" (on this occasion...sounds like on other occasions they have!)

msrisotto · 19/09/2015 17:19

Have you contacted them and they've ignored you? Because if not, you're snubbing them just as much as they are you surely?

TRexingInAsda · 19/09/2015 17:20

There's no antiquated etiquette of congratulating the parents of an engaged couple, except not to do that! Perhaps you shouldn't care so much for etiquette you just made up.

StanSmithsChin · 19/09/2015 17:21

Why would they congratulate you? Have you just agreed to marry someone?
I don't understand why you thing you deserve congratulation, you don't they do. Just be happy before them without trying to make it all about you.

Congrats to OP's DD and her DF.

Original poster
Lirael66 · 19/09/2015 17:23

Actually that is exactly what I was hoping for,

OP posts:
2rebecca · 19/09/2015 17:24

Agree that I'd regard contacting one half of a couple as the same as contacting both unless it's your birthday or something. They have congratulated "you" in the plural sense. I can only see the sense in separate phone calls to each parent if the parents are divorced.

saltlakecity · 19/09/2015 17:27

Eh! Why would the parents be congratulated? It's not your engagement.

dreadingautumn · 19/09/2015 17:33

Actually, I am with you on this one. When we got engaged my parents received lots of cards and flowers from their friends and they rang my in-laws or vice-versa immediately to welcome each other into the family and invited them over for afternoon tea. To this day they are not particularly friendly with my in-laws but they felt it was the right thing to do.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 19/09/2015 17:34

Since when did we have to phone the mother of the engaged woman to congratulate them?

I sense the wedding may be an interesting one, not a bridezilla but a mumzilla I suspect.

usual · 19/09/2015 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDeVere · 19/09/2015 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fastdaytears · 19/09/2015 17:38

rang my in-laws or vice-versa immediately to welcome each other into the family that bit is proper etiquette I think (though a bit awkward if they don't really know each other)

fastdaytears · 19/09/2015 17:39

MrsD but we haven't established if the text mentioned her H but not her or the OP is just upset that she didn't receive a separate text all of her own. But either way her ILs and her don't get on so it's not a huge surprise.

CremeEggThief · 19/09/2015 17:39

I have never heard of congratulating the parents of someone who's become engaged before.Confused

BackforGood · 19/09/2015 18:03

Eh??
Why would anybody congratulate the patent of someone who got engaged? Confused
That's not antiquated etiquette, that's made up etiquette.

SurlyCue · 19/09/2015 18:11

people consoled my mother when I got engaged Hmm Grin

OP how was the message to your husband worded?

MrsDeVere · 19/09/2015 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Griphook · 19/09/2015 18:47

What did the text say, was congratulations or more of a happy to hear granddaughters news?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/09/2015 18:48

What did the text to your DH say?