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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think declining the day before is inconsiderate and rude?

85 replies

coffeeisnectar · 19/09/2015 12:48

Dds birthday on Monday. She is going to be 10. Tomorrow is her party and its for 10 children, all day, at a theme park. The cost is £15.95 a head including food, all the rides and the soft play. On top of that cost is party bags.

Dd moved schools in September and invited three children from the new school and six from her old school. As of yesterday I had not heard back from four. Last night one dad sent a text saying their dc was going to a football match and can't make it and I have just got a text from another parent saying they are away this weekend so can't make it. I'm fuming. The invitations went out 10 days ago, I took them to her old school and handed them to the teacher.

I've now invited two siblings to replace those two but potentially there could be two no-shows tomorrow. I'm feeling so sad for dd who wanted her friends there and she could have invited others if they had let me know earlier!

I won't be invoicing for the places I still need to pay for but I'm so annoyed at the lack of thought!

OP posts:
MsJamieFraser · 19/09/2015 16:10

ds1 and 2, have pretty hectic social lives, between afterschool/weekend activities, birthday parties, social functions etc... actually ds1 hasn't got a free date (except Sunday nights) for over 2 months. ds2 is more limited due to his allergies, but still he has something on every other day for a good few months.

laffymeal · 19/09/2015 16:10

10 days is perfectly fine, you're either busy that day or you're not. Keeping people hanging on is rude and inclined to make me think they're waiting for a better offer.

WeAllHaveWings · 19/09/2015 16:20

Ds(11) does the theme park/activity thing at his birthday (instead of a big pressie), the trick is to word your invitations correctly - "please rsvp by xx/xx/xxxx if xxxxxx can come so I can book the correct number of tickets".

If they don't rsvp in time they don't go. If they drop out, unless it's an emergency, they don't get invited a second time as it's fairly obviously an expensive per head day out.

Rivercam · 19/09/2015 17:16

If you booked it at the beginning of the year, why didn't you give the invites out before the summer holiday, and then a reminder invite when they went back to school? Or give the invites out sooner, in the first week of school? I presumed you had only just booked it, hence the late notice.

ginslinger · 19/09/2015 17:19

Why is 10 days short notice? Either you're free or you're not

Original poster
coffeeisnectar · 19/09/2015 18:13

I didn't send the invites out before the summer as I'd presume they would get lost/forgotten about. And as I said before, she's just changed schools and wanted to invite girls from her new school but she didn't know anyone. She needed time to make new friends and so could invite friends both schools.

I have never had more than 2-3 weeks notice on birthday parties. I just try and shuffle things round so my kids can go unless there's something important which we can't get out of.

OP posts:
Daringgreatly · 19/09/2015 18:22

I don't get why you booked it so long ago, but only sent the invites 10 days ago. Especially as she changed school. You could have given the invites out before the summer holidays/got contact numbers to chase responses. It's a lot of money per head - I'd have wanted to know definites long before you even handed the invites out.

PressTheAButton · 19/09/2015 18:28

Did the invite mention that you would've buying the theme park tickets beforehand? Maybe they only cancelled because they didn't think it mattered too much. Also, did you say that you were only inviting a few friends. If they thought it was a big party then they may have thought it wouldn't matter.

I don't think two weeks is too short. You only have to text a reply if you can't make it which takes less than a minute or so Confused

Misnomer · 19/09/2015 18:33

10 days is quite short notice and I think you do need to allow for a bit of chasing, especially as there weren't many invited and it is expensive. What I find happens is that a few invites go astray before they get to the child and quite often once they are with the child they don't get passed on so chasing up can be necessary. Having a bit of a longer lead time helps. My oldest DCs birthday is the beginning of September so we always have his party in October as there isn't enough time right at the beginning of term.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/09/2015 18:37

I have to say I would assume you would be buying tickets on the day. I do think 10 days is short notice for something needing a specific commitment and such a high cost per head.

donajimena · 19/09/2015 18:38

I can't believe how many people think 10 days is too short notice. You either have plans or you don't. If you have plans you decline. Upon receipt of invite. YANBU

RaspberryOverload · 19/09/2015 18:46

10 days isn't that short notice. And if you've got plans, you should reply straight away, not leave a reply til the last minute. That, to me, is rude.

ShiningWhite · 19/09/2015 18:46

10 days is a pretty normal amount of notice here - I'd think people were totally bonkers if they issued children's party invitations with 3-4 weeks' notice and I'd also have forgotten about it by the time it came around!

YANBU, OP - people are rude. But if your dd has been at the school three years and you haven't got contact details for the parents, they're not really friends and it's a bit strange to invite them to the party!

FishWithABicycle · 19/09/2015 18:49

When I have to book to book tickets/confirm numbers in advance for a party the invitation has an "RSVP by" date on it which is 48 hours before numbers are finalised and anyone who hasn't RSVP'd by the deadline is not included in the numbers. The invitation would then go out 2 weeks before that deadline rather than 2 weeks before the party. Invitations 10 days before are fine for parties where numbers aren't so important e.g. a disco.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/09/2015 18:51

10 days isn't long to sort numbers out and OP has now had to outlay extra expense which she wouldn't have faced if she'd given more notice to confirm.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 19/09/2015 18:59

How is it hard to decide to accept or decline 10 days in advance, RSVP by text and note it on the calendar. I am crazy busy but even I can manage that. YANBU.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/09/2015 19:14

But the organiser leaves no wiggle room if people don't respond so quickly and then is left out of pocket. Clearly September is a tricky time for organising a party but I do think it's not surprising that some people have replied late. Also sometimes you may not be able to say yes or no immediately. Say you'd organised to meet MIL at time or party but wanted to see if she'd mind switching time.

Original poster
coffeeisnectar · 19/09/2015 21:42

Well I'm still not sure if iabu or not, seems to be a mixed response.

Dd really struggles socially, she's being assessed by camhs (possibly aspergers but major anxiety definitely) and she only had one friend for a year and then very gradually over the next two years started getting to know other kids. One of the children who hasn't replied is EAL who only joined her school last year.

I actually bid on the party at a charity auction hence getting it so early and confirmed dates in the summer. I seem to have fucked up by not inviting kids in July, by not getting phone numbers and by presuming that everyone has the manners to reply.

Also even if I'd issued invites in July, this would leave no spaces for children she's got to know at her new school. Children may have accepted and then had to cancel for the reasons they've now given ie weekends away, football matches etc and I'd still be in the same position I'm in now.

Dd accepts there may only be 8 instead of 10 children tomorrow including her. But she will be met by some film characters at the ticket booth tomorrow, they get the run of the whole place all day, they get my children including ice follies and I've got her a Spiderman cake so she will have a great day.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeisnectar · 19/09/2015 21:44

They get lunch. They don't get my children :o

OP posts:
laffymeal · 19/09/2015 21:51

10 minutes is enough notice. You're either available or not. I simply don't understand the responses moaning about how much time you gave idiots decide they were gracing you with their presence or not.

Rivercam · 19/09/2015 22:23

Sounds a great party. Can I fill one of the places?!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 19/09/2015 22:41

10 days is plenty, and what a good party, which makes it all the more rude to not RsvP... some people!!

Original poster
coffeeisnectar · 19/09/2015 23:10

Thank you, she is so excited for tomorrow. We have ten (really cool) party bags and if the two who haven't replied don't show she is giving one to her teacher as it was her birthday on Friday and one to a girl who can't come (but told us last week).

She said if they both turn up she's giving her own party bag to the girl who can't come. And we will have her over for tea once we've moved house (and I've got over the trauma of moving house) :o

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 19/09/2015 23:11

She sounds lovely and thoughtful. I hope she has a great time.

MakeItACider · 19/09/2015 23:22

Take no notice, OP. If you had invited me in July for a child's birthday party in September I would have thought you were barking and would likely have refused to respond at that point, and even more likely have lost the invite by the time September came around.