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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PIL's need to mind their own business re: Nursery

101 replies

yorkshapudding · 19/09/2015 10:39

DD is 21 months old. I work part time and my Mum looks after her on the days I work but DH and I have decided that we want her to start going to the Nursery attached to our local Primary school for a couple of sessions a week.

The main reason for this is that DD is behind in her speech. She only has 6 words that she says consistently and probably another five that she has said once or twice then hasn't said again. I took her to the Speech and Language clinic and they weren't concerned as her understanding and non-verbal communication is very good but they said that attending Nursery might encourage her to speak more. The second reason is that I think it will help to gradually prepare her for starting school as she is very used to one to one attention at the moment. As an added bonus it that it will give me a couple of hours to get some housework done in peace!

We mentioned to PIL's that DD would be starting Nursery and they assumed this was because I was increasing my work hours, when we explained that i wasnt and what the reasons actually were they seemed flabbergasted. They said they couldn't understand why anyone would "farm their child out to strangers" when they didn't need actually need to and that it was "odd". MIL made some snide comments about how in her day Mum's "didn't think we were entitled to me time" etc. DH had stern words with them and they started back tracking pretty quickly then but it has sort of stuck with me.

DH says just ignore them but they really push my buttons and I already feel guilty for leaving her to go out to work so I am quite sensitive to this sort of thing. I can't be the only Mum whose child does a couple of sessions at Nursery even though we don't technically need the childcare, can I? I know I shouldnt care what people think but I don't like the idea that people who don't know our reasons will think I just want DD out the way so I can sit around eating bon bons and watching daytime TV.

OP posts:
Griphook · 19/09/2015 10:42

Start challenging her, did she work? Or was she a stay at home mum. Point out the difference.
But yanbu, don't worry it will do Her good

Snossidge · 19/09/2015 10:43

My oldest two loved nursery and continued to go when I was on maternity leave - I sent them so I could sleep. The youngest is a more sensitive personality and is more suited to home care.

c4kedout · 19/09/2015 10:43

just ignore them. your DH seems to be on the same page.

on a different note and having a child with ASD and Speech delay I can tell you that Nursery did nothing for my child's speech development. it was the time spent intensely 1:1 at home that helped.

TendonQueen · 19/09/2015 10:44

Take no notice. There's a reason why toddlers get free nursery hours whether their parents work or not: as you say, it's about socialisation, language skills and so on. Most people are on board with that now. Your DH is fully of your view so ignore your PlLs.

BarbarianMum · 19/09/2015 10:44

You want to prepare your 21 month old baby for school? That does sound a bit bonkers tbh.

The rest of your reasons are fine though, if this is something you want to do then just ignore any naysayers. There will be hundreds of them between now and the time your dd hits 18.

DoreenLethal · 19/09/2015 10:46

You need to have some responses prepared:

'On the contrary MIL - I feel bad about leaving her to work in the first place. We have been advised that it will improve her speech and help her settle into school. You couldn't be more wrong'.

Livingondaisland24 · 19/09/2015 10:49

Tbh I dont like nursery care for little children so i get where your mother in laws coming from. Just not allowed to air negative opinions on nurserys these days

NicholasName · 19/09/2015 10:49

I absolutely agree tha PIL should butt out. Your decision.

As a side note, one to one is MUCH MUCH better for speech development, and studies show that children under 3 do not benefit from a nursery environment. It doesn't necessarily harm them but one to one is better.

Reception will prepare her for school. As will actual nursery when she is 3. I personally think this is bonkers and not in her best interest BUT if you want me time that's fine, just be honest that it's not in babies interest.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 19/09/2015 10:50

She has never worked Grip, doesn't understand other women who do, and I am already a disappointment in her eyes for going back to work after having DD.

c4kedout, I'm sorry to hear Nursery didn't help your little one but very glad the 1:1 work paid off. I've been doing all the recommended 1:1 stuff with DD as has my Mum when she looks after her but speech delay aside, all other signs point to DD being Neurotypical so I guess that may be why they are recommending we give Nursery a try.

OP posts:
Original poster
yorkshapudding · 19/09/2015 10:55

Nicholas what an unkind, judgey response. Sounds like you and my PIL's would get on famously. She has had nothing but one to one time and her speech is behind. As a nurse who works exclusively with children I do actually know a bit about child development and I do happen to believe that a lot of one to one time, balanced with a couple of hours of interacting with other children is in her best interests. I don't consider a couple of hours spent cleaning to be "me time" to be honest, although yes I do see that as an added bonus although not in any way my motivation for this decision. I guess that makes me self indulgent and a neglectful mother Hmm

OP posts:
plantsitter · 19/09/2015 10:57

I wouldn't judge you if you did fancy watching tv and chucking bon-bons in your gob anyway tbh.

I wouldn't worry about her speech at this stage but neither would I worry about what your uninformed PILs think - she will have a lovely time at nursery, learn how to socialise a bit and, yes, have the same advantages as her peers when starting school. Most small kids have been 'farmed out to strangers' at some point before school these days. Nobody except your living-in-1952 inlaws will bat an eye.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 19/09/2015 10:58

Barbarian, perhaps I worded it badly..of course I'm not worried about her being prepared for full time education at 21 months old. I just meant that I thought gradually building up the time she spends in a more structured environment might be more beneficial and less of a huge adjustment than going from purely 1:1 care to reception. This is just based on my own experience with young children I've worked with. Surprised other people think it's "bonkers" (seems quite a strong word) but fair enough.

OP posts:
WhoTheFIsJeff · 19/09/2015 11:01

There is nothing wrong with wanting some me time, even if it's to try and get some chores done.

My DS still went to nursery whilst I was on maternity leave and does a session there on one of my non work days. He loves it, has made friends and it gives me some 1-1 time with DS2. It's got sod all to do with your pil. I think the right nursery can be great so do whatever works for you.

CecilyP · 19/09/2015 11:02

i don't think her speech is especially behind and I can't see how nursery will improve it - she will be spending her time with DC whose speech is no better than hers. She also does not need 3 years to prepare for going to school. OTOH I can understand you wanting a bit of you time.

Avebury · 19/09/2015 11:07

Honestly I think nurseries are dreadful places for speech development - being at home with a one on one carer is far more beneficial.

I also don't think there is any need to get such a young child 'used' to a school type environment - they can get used to it when they start school although I do think a couple of mornings of nursery from 3ish are useful to get them used to sitting nicely on the mat/being quiet when adults are talking to the class etc. but...... Your child, your choice and absolutely none of your in laws business.

NotMeUsNotIWe · 19/09/2015 11:07

I can't see a thing wrong with what you're planning, ignore the PILs! To be honest they sound very old fashioned in their views and using terms like "farming out" children just shows this.

As to your DDs speech delay I have two DNs who were similar and they both improved hugely when they started nursery a few days a week. Sounds like DD is an only? If so mixing with other children will probably be really good for her. No feeling guilty Op, go for it Smile

Blu · 19/09/2015 11:07

A couple of sessions a week for a child who has non stop one to one care the rest of the time and your MIL and a selection of MILs in training on MN get their judgey Knicks on? OK, you did invite opinion, and they gave it .

Op: you are the parent, you know your child. You have nothing to feel remotely guilty about, make your own decisions with your DH and leave everyone else to their opinions.

Ragwort · 19/09/2015 11:08

Learn to ignore other people's comments about your parenting style - they will never stop even when your 'child' leaves home Grin.

Have confidence in your own decisions - and don't feel you have to justify what you do to your ILs, or anyone else for that matter.

I sent my DS to a child minder one morning a week when I was a SAHM, he went to a creche when I was at the gym and I asked for an early pre-school place when he was 2 as I said as an only child he needed to learn to mix with other children. Grin.

NicholasName · 19/09/2015 11:09

Just read my post again. Which bit is unkind? Hmm Confused I agreed that your PIL should butt out and just gave my opinion on one-to-one being better.

Is disagreeing with someone now unkind? Shock your child doesn't even sound that behind. Both my children had about that level at that age and whilst clearly not the fastest talkers no one was worried.

I even said in my post that I agree you should get some me time (you're the one who referred to it as me time in your OP)

NicholasName · 19/09/2015 11:10

Ps I work 40 hours a week I'm not a SAHM in case you think I am "being unkind" because I'm the same as your MIL

Blu · 19/09/2015 11:10

See, having had DC in nursery for childcare, I HATE the idea of it being for getting used to 'sitting nicely ' ! Great for a variety of messy play, spending time with other children, etc etc. it doesn't sound as if your child will even be there all day!

BarbarianMum · 19/09/2015 11:10

If you send her to nursery/preschool at 3 that will be more than enough preparation for school at 4. At 3 she will be at a better developmental stage for shared play etc too.

That doesn't mean I think there is anything wrong with what you are proposing, I just have an issue with the idea that nursery for a 21 month old is somehow necessary for the development of such a young child. It isn't.

plantsitter · 19/09/2015 11:13

Also, as your ILs sound v old fashioned, just call it 'play group' to them, as I think that's what the kind of nursery you're talking about used to be called in the olden days

SlipperyJack · 19/09/2015 11:15

Nicholas, if you work 40 hours per week, who looks after your kids (assuming you have some)?

LeChien · 19/09/2015 11:17

I can't see how Nicholas' response was unkind?
I was coming on to say that ds had similar speech delay but no other concerns.
Nursery was detrimental to his speech as he didn't get enough attention and one to one conversations, and he ended up not talking at all because (I imagine) it became too much effort competing with lots of other toddlers.

We found a really good childminder who had time to bond with him and the other two toddlers she looked after and it did so much more for his confidence, social skills and speech.

Whether you want to send your dc to nursery or not is entirely up to you, and nothing to do with your in-laws.
I'm not criticising your decision, just sharing our experience with a similar sounding child because it may be helpful to you in making your decision.