Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think PIL's need to mind their own business re: Nursery

101 replies

yorkshapudding · 19/09/2015 10:39

DD is 21 months old. I work part time and my Mum looks after her on the days I work but DH and I have decided that we want her to start going to the Nursery attached to our local Primary school for a couple of sessions a week.

The main reason for this is that DD is behind in her speech. She only has 6 words that she says consistently and probably another five that she has said once or twice then hasn't said again. I took her to the Speech and Language clinic and they weren't concerned as her understanding and non-verbal communication is very good but they said that attending Nursery might encourage her to speak more. The second reason is that I think it will help to gradually prepare her for starting school as she is very used to one to one attention at the moment. As an added bonus it that it will give me a couple of hours to get some housework done in peace!

We mentioned to PIL's that DD would be starting Nursery and they assumed this was because I was increasing my work hours, when we explained that i wasnt and what the reasons actually were they seemed flabbergasted. They said they couldn't understand why anyone would "farm their child out to strangers" when they didn't need actually need to and that it was "odd". MIL made some snide comments about how in her day Mum's "didn't think we were entitled to me time" etc. DH had stern words with them and they started back tracking pretty quickly then but it has sort of stuck with me.

DH says just ignore them but they really push my buttons and I already feel guilty for leaving her to go out to work so I am quite sensitive to this sort of thing. I can't be the only Mum whose child does a couple of sessions at Nursery even though we don't technically need the childcare, can I? I know I shouldnt care what people think but I don't like the idea that people who don't know our reasons will think I just want DD out the way so I can sit around eating bon bons and watching daytime TV.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/09/2015 11:17

OP, you've made your decision and now you've got to learn to toughen up and stand by it.

Don't rely on your DH to pull your inlaws up when they start spouting their opinions, learn to politely and firmly do it yourself.

Otherwise you're going to get a pretty rough ride as a working mother, throughout your child's whole school life...which is something I doubt your DH will ever get.

You've been very direct and firm there with Nicholas in putting your point across, now you need to learn to do it in real life.

RebootYourEngine · 19/09/2015 11:20

My dn was the same, a lot of one on one time but very little speech. Nursery has helped so much.

I like how your DH put them in their place. I read a lot on here about men who take their parents side and not their wives.

NicholasName · 19/09/2015 11:22

slipperyjack split between a nursery (2 mornings a week) for the 3 year old, a nanny (5 mornings a week for 20m old and 3 mornings a week for 3 year old) and DH (who has them afternoons)

NicholasName · 19/09/2015 11:23

OOOH lechien... "Nursery was detrimental to his speech as he didn't get enough attention and one to one conversations, and he ended up not talking at all because (I imagine) it became too much effort competing with lots of other toddlers."

That's a very unkind opinion Wink OP will have a heart attack.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 19/09/2015 11:27

Nicholas, I just felt that there was a lot of judgment implicit in your post, telling me that I am not acting in my child's best interests (as though you know better than I do what is in her best interests) although I realise it can be difficult to convey tone over mn.

OP posts:
Princerocks · 19/09/2015 11:32

I think 21 months is very young for nursery unless you need it for childcare. I wouldn't do it but you should do what you think is best for your child.

toldmywrath · 19/09/2015 11:33

Ignore PIL's negativity- she's your child & you and your DH know her best. I don't want to tread on your toes but has your DD's hearing been thoroughly checked? We had this problem & HV ignored,said wait & see etc but at the age of nearly 3 glue ear was discovered. Grommets in & speech improved massively & dramatically.

Skiptonlass · 19/09/2015 11:35

Just to give you another perspective, op...

I now live in Sweden. Pretty much all children here go to dagis (kindergarten/daycare type thing) at about 9 months to a year. It's seen as essential to socialise little ones - they don't start formal schooling until about seven so they just play, learn to interact with other etc. the system is heavily subsidised and very high quality. It would be seen as odd here to keep children at home for years - the prevailing attitude is that dagis benefits children.

I don't know any stay at home parents, literally, not one. It is just not done here (there must be some, I guess but I don't know any...)

My point is that opinions differ within and between communities - you do what you think is right for your child. There's no evidence that high quality childcare results in any different outcomes to one on one care.

Your mil has never worked, so really, she's not in a position to give her opinion. Stop feeling guilty.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 19/09/2015 11:36

A 21 month doesn't need to get ready for school, a few months at preschool will do that much closer to the time.

I to 1 with a parent is much better time spent than a nursery as it sounds like she is only going there when you are at home. It would have been better to use the nursery some of the time when you worked rather than when she can be home with you having dedicated time.

Your PIL are entitled to a different opinion, it's good that they take an interest in their grandchildren.

poocatcherchampion · 19/09/2015 11:39

21 mo seems young to me for nursery and early to be worrying about speech development. My now 3 yo had no words to speak of at 2 and I wasn't at all worried. By 2.5 she was chattering away.

She started pre school just after 3.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 19/09/2015 11:39

Prince, sorry I should have been clearer she won't actually start until she's 2. They only take from 2 as they technically class themselves as a pre-school rather than a Nursery.

She will be there a total of 4 hours a week. The rest of the time she will continue to have 1:1 care from myself or my Mum or will be with both DH and myself when he is not at work.

OP posts:
Namechangenell · 19/09/2015 11:41

I love how PILs had a go at you. If they're so bothered, why didn't they ask their son why he didn't stay at home instead?! Sound like a right old pair of old fashioned miseries. FWIW, I have two DC who are almost 4 and almost 2. DC1 has just started nursery 9-3:30 and DC2 goes 9-12. The last couple of weeks have been bliss and my first taste of relative freedom in 4 years. I don't feel guilty and the kids are having a blast.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 19/09/2015 11:44

Actually Cookie (again sorry, probably should have been more specific), she will be doing two hours while I'm at work and two hours when I'm at home. That's two hours out of the four full days a week that I'm at home with her.

told, her hearing has been investigated and is normal.

OP posts:
Pilgit · 19/09/2015 11:45

I have found that mothers can be defensive about different parenting styles as they see it as a snub to how they did things. The truth is that there are as many different ways to raise a child as there are children.

There are lots of differing opinions of nurseries here. We have a wonderful one and I can't fault it for my DD. Others are bound to be not as good (if they were all marvellous there wouldn't be a need for ofsted). Likewise some will suit some children but not others. All we can do as parents is the best we can in the circumstances we are in. You've had advice. You have knowledge and have made an informed decision about what's best for your family. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 19/09/2015 11:45

I sent DS to preschool 2 mornings a week at 2.5 (and now 3 mornings a week) to try and help his speech delay and it hasn't made a jot of difference.

He does now have two key workers though and gets to make himself very wet/muddy/paint splattered etc at their facility and not in my kitchen which is BRILLIANT.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 19/09/2015 11:45

yorkshapudding ignore the neigh sayers. You know your child and if you want to send them to nursery do it.

My DD went to nursery 3 days a week from a very young age when I returned to work full time and my MIL was very vocal about how she didn't approve. Apparently I should have stayed home with the baby and claimed benefits 'because that is what they are there for' rather than supporting my family through my head of department teaching position Hmm
DH at the time ran his own small business so was home with her two days a week for one on one time and obviously we had the weekends as a family.

My DD did fantastically at nursery and she is a now a very confident 6 year old who socialises easily the her peers. If you're happy and your DH is happy then everyone else can just jog on.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 19/09/2015 11:45

My DD is speech delayed. We started her at nursery at just 2, and it has helped enormously. Within a couple of weeks her speech was noticeably better, and now at 2.9, she is talking in sentences improving all the time. It is common for speech therapists to recommend nursery for children who are nt but speech delayed.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/09/2015 11:46

Wow all this fuss over 4 hrs a week?!

What kind of job could you get that depended so much on this lengthy 4 hrs?! I don't get why work was even part of the discussion.

Ignore your in laws, 4 hrs is neither indulgent me-time nor a massive step up in work comittments. It's 4 hrs. A week. Bonkers! :)

WhoTheFIsJeff · 19/09/2015 11:46

Even the sahm's that I know send their dc to the local preschool a couple of mornings a week, before they're at the age to get free hours.

MaxieMouse · 19/09/2015 12:15

Just ignore them, OP. Whatever you do you will find someone to say you're doing it all wrong. DS had 10 words at the age of 2, within 3 months of part time nursery he was speaking in sentences. Technically I didn't have to send him to nursery, but I know what's best for my children, not friends, family or strangers on a forum.

Badders123 · 19/09/2015 12:17

Look...send her if you want to send her.
But please don't be upset if her speech does not miraculously improve!
I don't rate nurseries for very young children.
If I were you I would be looking at pre schools, not a nursery.
In some areas you can get free funding from age 2.
Good luck.

RhiWrites · 19/09/2015 12:38

I went to nursery at age 2 and although my mother felt guilty about it I was fine, made friends, learned to socialise with other children.

I think this is a great idea to try to boost her speech development and if it doesn't work out you can assess in 6 months or a year. She probably won't want to leave though!

diddl · 19/09/2015 12:40

I can sort of see PILs thinking that it's odd to send her on "your" time as you'd want to see your daughter as much as possible when not working.

But it's only a couple of hrs!

My PFB went to a playgroup at two and a half a couple of mornings a week for a couple of hours each time so that he could meet other kids & I could have time with just PSB.

I would probably have sent him even if I didn't have a baby as well & I was a SAHM.

That would have been four whole hours to myself!!

Brioche201 · 19/09/2015 13:51

so is it 2 x 2 hour sessions or 1 x 4 hour. I am confused?

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/09/2015 14:12

God its four hours she's not shipping her off to boarding school

(which btw would be a perfectly valid educational choice anyway)

dd was/is a bit behind in her speech. nursery worked wonders. they did group work with her and other kids under speech therapists. she had to speak to staff and kids to who didn't understand her like I did so had to make the effort.

it can back fire a little though as obviously pre schools cater for 2.5-5 yr olds. so be prepared for your dd to gravitate towards the younger kids if her speech doesn't catch up fully as talking to the younger ones is easier than talking to kids your own age.

but all in all I'm thrilled with the progress she made at nursery and most importantly she got messy and had a fab time!!!