To think PIL's need to mind their own business re: Nursery

[yorkshapudding]

DD is 21 months old. I work part time and my Mum looks after her on the days I work but DH and I have decided that we want her to start going to the Nursery attached to our local Primary school for a couple of sessions a week.

The main reason for this is that DD is behind in her speech. She only has 6 words that she says consistently and probably another five that she has said once or twice then hasn't said again. I took her to the Speech and Language clinic and they weren't concerned as her understanding and non-verbal communication is very good but they said that attending Nursery might encourage her to speak more. The second reason is that I think it will help to gradually prepare her for starting school as she is very used to one to one attention at the moment. As an added bonus it that it will give me a couple of hours to get some housework done in peace!

We mentioned to PIL's that DD would be starting Nursery and they assumed this was because I was increasing my work hours, when we explained that i wasnt and what the reasons actually were they seemed flabbergasted. They said they couldn't understand why anyone would "farm their child out to strangers" when they didn't need actually need to and that it was "odd". MIL made some snide comments about how in her day Mum's "didn't think we were entitled to me time" etc. DH had stern words with them and they started back tracking pretty quickly then but it has sort of stuck with me.

DH says just ignore them but they really push my buttons and I already feel guilty for leaving her to go out to work so I am quite sensitive to this sort of thing. I can't be the only Mum whose child does a couple of sessions at Nursery even though we don't technically need the childcare, can I? I know I shouldnt care what people think but I don't like the idea that people who don't know our reasons will think I just want DD out the way so I can sit around eating bon bons and watching daytime TV.

4 hours a week in nursery? I don't think it matters too much either way, do whatever you want. People talk about nursery/childcare etc as we're sticking pins into our kids.

Are you abusing your child? Exposing her to drugs and drink? Neglecting her? Hitting her?

Probably not - carry on with whatever you think best.

Yes, your MIL should shut up.

Perhaps, next time, you could say, "I know MIL, I try so hard, but what with the need for crack cocaine, booze, cigarettes and her daily beatings, I felt I hadn't damaged her enough, so opted to send her to nursery to really ruin her life."

Nursery = good place for toddler to be. With family = good place for toddler to be. Let her enjoy both.

If I lived in the UK I'd send you a box of bonbons to shove in your gob, you deserve it.

Oh, and if you're DH is on board, perhaps he could hang his head in shame, self-flagellate and wail, "I returned to work! I am a bad parent!"

Oh ignore the oils. Far too many people have opinions on childcare and the ink they are entitled to tell you what to do. Boils my piSs.

Ds1 hated nursery, ds3 loved going to a noisy play group without me from age 2. He would have been devastated if I'd stopped it. That was for me time. Unashamedly but the person to have stopped it would have been very cruel to him. If nursery isn't the best environment for her you'll soon know and then have the option of taking her out as it's not essential. So win win as far as I can tell.

Haven't read the entire thread, but IMHO small children seem to pick up more language from their peers and my dd loved nursery

I would just ignore her to be honest, my mums the same.

But honestly, DS had a severe speech delay at his age and nursery did ZILCH to his speech. I'm being serious, it did NOTHING and he was there for 5 years.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't of bothered sending him to Nursery, I would look into a child minder or a nanny.

The kids I've seen who were quite advanced in their language and social communication skills, were the kids who had one- one attention with a parent at home, or were going to a child-minders.

Children with language delays, or children who have speech/language disorders don't learn language from their environment (otherwise they would be saying a heck of a lot more). They need to be specifically taught language in a structured way to produce outcomes.

Though, nursery did help DS with his independence...but that's about it.

Yorkshorepudding If you are worried about your DD's speech, please look at: www.teachmetotalk.com. The earlier the help, the better.

Already have, Notgivingin but thank you for the recommendation, it is a good resource.

I agree at 1:1 attention is hugely important and as I've said upthread, DD will still be having 1:1 time the vast majority of the week. It's only 2 x 2 hour sessions that she will be at preschool. I don't know if it will make a difference but it's something that has been recommended to me so I'm going to give it a try and see how it goes.

My DD didn't speak very much until I gave up work when she was 27 months old. She's been in nurseries until then. Her language took off with one-on-one time and she found her confidence to speak. She started preschool at 30 months and never uttered a word for 3 months other than the occasional yes or no. HV said she had selective mutism as would only speak around family. Another 3 months at preschool and she's a different child a right chatterbox. Another HV I know says you can't diagnose speech delay until age 3. Some kids just wait until they can speak in sentences.

My DS is going to the same preschool at age 26 months, he's desperate to go, I have to drag him home every time I drop his sister off.

Some kids love it and others hate it. I don't think you can apply a one size fits all rule to children. A parent knows their child best, and I would do the same as you if I were in your position.

My mil told me I needed to go back to work asap full time when dd1 was a newborn. I questioned what she did when dh was a baby, ahh thats right, stayed at home until he started school.

Anyway, I am a sahm in your face mil, my ds goes to nursery for twi school days soon to be 3. No guit here and technically I do need or I might loose the plot.

OP you know her best and its 4 hours a week - hardly anything in the context of her week but enough time to make a difference to you!

It's worth a try but FWIW my son started at a v similar age for 2 mornings at just before 2 years old and honestly, hated it. He had to go as this was for work reasons (building up to two full days which he still does now) but even now st over 3 he doesn't like nursery and I often wonder if it's because he started before he was really ready. ??

Obviously this is my issue and hopefully your DD will enjoy it but if she doesn't and she doesn't absolutely have to go I would wait and take her out til she's older as it could be detrimental.

Some kids love it though even at that age, you don't know til you try.

Florriesma, that was exactly my thinking, because I don't need preschool for the childcare, if she's not benefiting from it I simply take her out and no harm done. Some people seem so against even trying it though.

I'm sticking with my decision the the basis that I really don't see what harm it can do to try it but it's interesting to hear others points of view.

I dont disagree with your decision, but could MIL. Be miffed that they give you free child care, and yet you pay for nursery to have free time?

OPs IL don't give her any free childcare!

I don't think the they should 'mind their own business' they just expressed an opinion. About their grandchildren.
If you know you are doing what you consider to be the best decision for your family, go for it.
I think you feel a bit guilty about it, and that's why it bothers you. You shouldn't, but lots of parents feel this about lots of good decisions.

Send her if you like - it's up to you.

My DCs were in nursery 3 full days a week from age one. I put them there as I needed to work. My DCs are now aged 6 and 4 and are still in child care.

Personally I think there is no benefit in sending them before aged 3 or 3 and a half. Ideally I would have had my DCs with me until that age. When they are tiny and can't speak for themselves or tell you what is really going on in there while you're not there it's hard. They may be happy or they may not be - the people minding them might be nice - or they might not be.

Your child will not be being spoken to a lot - just spending time with other babies with limited speech. And at that age the children don't really interact hugely.

When they are a bit older there is definitely a benefit as they make friends that they actually play with

Sally, PIL's have never done any childcare for us. They aren't very involved with DD (not for lack of trying on mine and DH's part) at all and would happily go months without seeing her if we didn't take her round. My DM does our childcare and has said she thinks the four hours a week at preschool is a good idea. DD will be doing 2 hours on one of my Mums days and 2 hours on one of my days.

Sorry misread that then. Thing is life is more stressful now, my gran like a spotless house, you know full works, shiney windows etc, but its just not possible with kids and jobs and a (gasp) social life. Deep breath, and ignore.

Ignore them and ignore any posters on here criticising you. There are many ways to parent and your way is perfectly acceptable. I wouldn't even discuss it with PILs anymore.

Hello chicken, I accept I was probably a bit harsh. My PIL's can be very critical so I do find it difficult to be objective when it comes to their criticism of me. For example, they told me I was "odd" for wanting to breastfeed DD and then when breastfeeding wasn't going well told me I was "obviously not trying hard enough". They were "shocked" to find out I was planning to return to work part time after having DD but then at the same time they make digs about me being "just a nurse" as though they think their son should have married a high flying career woman. I think the fact that they're always "just expressing an opinion" and it's usually negative, coupled with their general lack of interest in spending time with DD, is why it bothers me so much. If they made an effort to be involved in her life then I think I would be more inclined to let it go.

I honestly didn't feel any guilt until PIL's (and a minority of posters on this thread) seemed to think I should because I was satisfied that I had made this decision for the right reasons.

I think pil should butt out, but I'm very confused as to why you think she has a speech delay. My DS had fewer words than that at 21 months, and was under fairly intensive medical supervision at that stage because he was very premature. Sure, i knew he was speaking a bit late compared to most, but it was well within the boubds of normality - nobody, including several specialist developmental paediatricians, ever mentioned a vocab of 10-20 words in a 21mo in terms of a 'problem' that needed dealing with. By 2.5 he was chattering away, and at 5 he is pretty articulate, more so than average IMO. So I really don't think you need consider nursery from a speech perspective when there is no evidence of genuine speech delay, and I'm slightly suspicious of any hv who says otherwise.

Incidentally my 20mo has a total of three words. I'm totally unworried, and I mean totally (though she is dc3, so I don't do worry much:) ). She does do two sessions at nursery, to no obvious effect on her speech!

Zoemaguire, I am not losing any sleep over it at the moment but a GP, HV and a couple of speech therapists have told me that her speech is not where it should be at her age. As a Nurse who works with children I also know her speech is not quite where it should be. I wouldn't use the phrase "speech delay" to describe DD quite yet, and I don't think i've used it on this thread. I've just said that I think her speech is a bit behind. I'd like to try a few hours of preschool to see if it helps because that's what has been recommended by the SALT we saw at clinic and some of the SALT's I work with and trust their judgement but I realise it may not make a difference.

nursery only helps speech and language to the effect that they try and communicate more with you when they get home my son goes to nursery to "help with his language skills" it does less than nothing for him there he has learned one phrase (what's that noise? im assuming from a book) he has also learned to scratch and spit (nice)

it is however worth it for the yell of MOMMY!! i get when i collect him and the cuddles and the pats on the arm the yeah! ok! home! mommy!!

he doesn't talk there he babbles apparently but he is now talking his head off at home so it all works out in the end