To be annoyed with SiL and to think that she hasn't got a clue!

[KathrynU]

Hi there, I've been posting in the SN a bit recently and I've had some great advice but I feel that this is an AIBU issue. Basically my ds age 4 has just started reception. He is on the Asd pathway for further assessment, he clearly has additional needs but we are having to battle to get diagnosis.

Anyway I left my job to be a sahm when ds was one so I've been a full time mum for three and a half years now and I'll be honest, due to ds's behaviour, meltdowns and aggression it's been bloody hard work. So understandbaly I've been looking forward to him starting school full time. Before the summer holidays i got a call from the Senco at ds's new school and he told me that if they feel that ds won't cope full time then he'll be put on a reduced timetable and will do part time hours until he turns five and is compulsory school age, which as ds is a March baby it would be April after Easter when he's be able to go full time. I wasn't at all happy about this at all but as ds seems to have settled and he was due to start full time on Monday I thought all was well and it wouldn't happen. Well this week ds has had a couple of incidents and I'm being told again now that he still may be made to go part time if he doesn't behave, I felt devestated.

Anyway last night my SiL came round to our house with my nieces to play with my two kids and we gets to talking. I told her i was worried that ds will be forced to go part time and that it's not the answer for my ds to exclude him. I'm currently on medication for anxiety and depression (this only started since things became worse with ds) I feel unwell almost daily and I'm exhausted all of the time, my SiL knows this and she knows how ds being made to go part time would have a huge impact on me but she had nothing supportive to say. She instead turns round and says that oh it's only another six months or so, that's not very long!

Considering I have been at home full time for so long and have been through so much with my ds AIBU to feel rather ticked off with my SiL's comment. Six months is a long time, and for me to have be back and forth again after already doing it for 18 months whilst ds attended nursery (for only 2 hours a day) then I feel deflated. My SiL knows how some days are bad for me and that I have little energy and I mentally, physically and emotionally need my ds to go town, but she makes out that it's no big deal, I honestly felt like slapping her.

I'm sorry you're going through all this but honestly your sil sounds like she was just trying to be positive for you- I think you're projection your anger at the situation towards her.
She probably does acknowledge the situation is shit but probably thinks it won't help to sit there agreeing so she's trying to put a positive spin on it- I know it can be annoying my oh tends to do this or come up with solutions when actually I want him to sometimes say 'its awful isnt it' but that's down to the person's personality I think.

So what are you doing now your son is at school? Surely regardless of whether its 3 hours a day or 5 its respite for you.

in scotland your son would not have started school until next year .you must be 5 before february up here or its next again august .to be honest if your son has asd he is probably to young and not devolped emotionally enough for school full time .they are not excluding him just making a sensible decision .i know its hard i had 3 youngest autistic but partime probably would be better

I think YABU, the school isn't suggesting your son goes part time to punish you, they are doing what is best for him. They at the ones observing him in the school environment, you are not there, therefore I think you need to listen and work with them. Forcing your child to do full time hours before he is ready just because you need the respite is going to backfire and create more problems for your child. You need to put a plan in place for the 14 weeks a year school holidays too if you are not coping with him at home.

Yabu, you're overreacting a bit. Your ds being ft is going to benefit you not him. The school have advised in his best interests. You're angry at your sil for the wrong reasons.

People really are missing the point here. OP isn't asking for advice about the part time school situation - she is getting much better and accurate advice in the SN section. The suggestion that she should just suck up unlawful exclusions and disability discrimination because "school knows best" is, with every respect, nonsense.

What OP is asking about is her SIL's reaction, which I agree seems to be an attempt to brush OP's very real problems to one side. Sorry, OP, I have no suggestions to offer on that save to avoid discussing your son with her, she clearly doesn't have a clue.

School can be the worst place for an ASD child. Forcing him into full time because it makes your life easier could do him serious damage. Where's his dad in all of this?

Your sil was just trying to show you the light at the end of the tunnel. What's the point in her agreeing with you that it's awful - you're down already, other people agreeing that it's shit won't help your mood any, and she's right, it is six months, and that six months will be hard, but at the end of it he will go full-time. It's not a life sentence.

The school's obligation is to your ds, it's not down to them to make allowances because you're not coping - that needs to be down to you, or your gp or even social services if things are bad enough.

School have observed him for a grand total of two weeks! I've observed him for four and a half years! In those two weeks they won't even know my son properly yet and to be fair apart from the last couple of days he's been really good. He's been joining in, doing as he's asked and has been really happy to go in of a morning, so for school to start threatening us with the prospect of a reduced timetable for one or two little incidents to me, is out of order, it's like they're willing him to "fail" so that they can have their own way.

As for me and my SiL we aren't that close to be honest and we both sort of tolerate each other because are kids get on so well. However I know that she thinks that I've had it easy these last few years as she's "had" to go out to work. But the fact is she doesn't have to go out to work as her husband is loaded, she just didn't want to be a sahm to her four children when the penny dropped that kids aren't as easy a she first thought. My dh does go out to work and works hard to provide for us so we made sacrifices for me to be a full time sahm, but it's been hard, there's surely no shame in admitting that and I'm sorry but I was looking forward to getting myself back on track whilst ds was at school, because at the minute I'm a mess.

And to whoever asked what I'm going whilst ds is at school, well at the moment my ds is asleep so i'm on here but these last few weeks whilst ds has been part time at school (9am-11am) I've been round at my grandmothers helping her as my grandad had a stroke months back and the support they are getting from home care is diabolical, so I'm doing what I can for them, not sat watching Jeremy Kyle with a biscuit and a brew!

The school's obligation is to your ds, it's not down to them to make allowances because you're not coping - that needs to be down to you, or your gp or even social services if things are bad enough.

But the school's obligation is also to obey the law. And if they are taking all other Reception children full time, then saying OP's child should miss out does mean they are proposing illegal exclusions, and amounts to discrimination on the grounds of his disability.

Well, now that you've got that off your chest, maybe you'll be able to acknowledge that it's not a one way street - you're not really interested in her or her life either.

It sounds like you don't want any help or advice or even opinions. you've already made your mind up that the school and your SIL are both being unreasonable so I'm not sure what more anyone can say. What I will add though is no school wills a child to fail or tries to 'get there own way' if you genuinely believed that was the case then get off the internet and bring your son home, you sound like a bit of a nightmare parent TBH.

And the drivel about your SIL just sounds like good old fashioned jealousy with a dash of bitterness thrown in.

I hope you are taking advice about the school's decision, might be easier to be armed with facts when it is a possibility rather than already in motion.

Oh and ime parents of children with SEN are often driven to being 'nightmare parents' as they have to fight for their kids far more than is reasonable or fair.

I don't think she was being unreasonable or any more unreasonable that you are by saying she only works because she didn't realise how hard it was having four DC.

So your saying she struggles to watch hers all day and you struggle to look after yours all day which is why school was a godsend.

You two might be more alike than you think.

Let this one go, is it really worth wasting your emotional energy on something like this?

You're not very kind or understanding to her (quite the opposite in fact) so I'm not sure why you think she should be to you?

kewtogetin bit harsh! OP has clearly been struggling as a SAHM and suffers from anxiety and depression!

KathrynU get this thing with SIL out of your head - it's completely irrelevant to the problem at hand. Continue to work with the school (it can't be easy for them either and they also have to consider all the other children) to support your ds. I agree that they seem to have made a somewhat kneejerk reaction - it's still such early days! Good luck to you x

I get why you're annoyed with your SIL's comment...6 months is a long time if you are struggling with his behaviour at home.

But I I also think you're in a really difficult situation. While there may have only been a few incidents and your DS is entitled to be there full time like the other children, the school have to also consider the other children in the class too. Have the incidents been things that would have upset, unsettled or hurt any other children who are also very little and trying to settle in too? This might explain why the school is saying they think part time would be a better idea for now. Also I know it has only been 2 weeks but I would guess they are thinking that if your DS is finding it hard already, it's only to get harder as the class settle down and are expected to do more.

Are the school giving him any extra support to help him settle in and cope with being there? Is there an issue where they can only give him support for part of the time and this is why they think part time would be better?

Op have you got a parents partnership service in your area? It would be worth you looking it up, you can self refer and they helped me immensely advocating for the provisions my dd (asd and anxiety) needed in school. I'm not sure where you stand with regards to the law and the school being able to reduce the time table before he is the legal age but I would think if they are struggling already and think they are going to in the future they should be discussing and looking into getting ehcp-parents partnership can help you with all this as well as appointments for your child's assessments etc.

I understand your frustration with your sil, unfortunately I've found that the only people who truly understand how difficult and exhausting it is having a child with additional needs are fellow parents with a child with additional needs. I don't think necessarily your sil meant anything by it-I've been there with my family, she just doesn't understand and therefore is kinda in a lose/lose situation as nothing she says is going to convey the understanding that you and others in your position have.

When you're expecting a response like "that sounds really hard for you, I know he's challenging at home" and you get a chirpy "it's only 6 months", it must be frustrating.

You should have a look at the law around this as I'm certain that all children are entitled to a FT place from the September and, while you may ask for it, the school has no right to impose a PT timetable. Some schools seem to operate in the hope that parents aren't aware of their legal rights, which is a sad approach.

It can be difficult for others to fully understand how difficult it can be to have a child with SN.

My sister has really been through the mill with my niece and the education system, as well as the social side of school life, and while I try to understand her frustrations and try not to minimise them (and as far as I'm aware I haven't pissed her off so far) we have family members who just don't ever get it. They don't seem to realise that sometimes it's helpful to just listen, so instead they over simplify and suggest unrealistic solutions which is frustrating because then it feels like actually, the've never listened.

But whatever you think of her on a personal level, I think it's important to remind yourself that she genuinely doesn't know what you're going through, so it stands to reason that her response was a bit simplistic.

I don't understand why you expect a supportive caring response from her when you admit that you aren't close, and make it clear that you dislike her (hint: she's probably picked up on that you know).

Tbh it sounds like the kind of chirpy-cheer-up response ivwouldctritvoutcwheb sonekbe has been continually whining at me about a problem without interest in alternative solutions or sympathetic suggestions for quite some time. Your unwillingness to take on board alternate points of view here would suggest to me that maybe your SIL has just... had enough?

School isn't there to provide respite. You have to consider your DS' best interests, not yours. If he can't cope full time maybe it would be better for him to have a staged introduction to school? Maybe the school keep mentioning it in the hope that you, the parent, will be proactive in helping them reduce his hours to a manageable level. If my dd's school had suggested similar when she started reception, I'd have followed any recommendation they made in her best interests, provided that what they were saying made sense (she is disabled and has additional learning needs) and I had a 5 month old baby at the time she started reception.

if the school has advised part time as they dont think he is ready to cope fulltime do you really want to put your son through more stress and possible unhappiness

surly the teacher and senco are experienced in their judgment as they have dealt with this situation before,does their point not mean anything