To be annoyed with SiL and to think that she hasn't got a clue!

[KathrynU]

Hi there, I've been posting in the SN a bit recently and I've had some great advice but I feel that this is an AIBU issue. Basically my ds age 4 has just started reception. He is on the Asd pathway for further assessment, he clearly has additional needs but we are having to battle to get diagnosis.

Anyway I left my job to be a sahm when ds was one so I've been a full time mum for three and a half years now and I'll be honest, due to ds's behaviour, meltdowns and aggression it's been bloody hard work. So understandbaly I've been looking forward to him starting school full time. Before the summer holidays i got a call from the Senco at ds's new school and he told me that if they feel that ds won't cope full time then he'll be put on a reduced timetable and will do part time hours until he turns five and is compulsory school age, which as ds is a March baby it would be April after Easter when he's be able to go full time. I wasn't at all happy about this at all but as ds seems to have settled and he was due to start full time on Monday I thought all was well and it wouldn't happen. Well this week ds has had a couple of incidents and I'm being told again now that he still may be made to go part time if he doesn't behave, I felt devestated.

Anyway last night my SiL came round to our house with my nieces to play with my two kids and we gets to talking. I told her i was worried that ds will be forced to go part time and that it's not the answer for my ds to exclude him. I'm currently on medication for anxiety and depression (this only started since things became worse with ds) I feel unwell almost daily and I'm exhausted all of the time, my SiL knows this and she knows how ds being made to go part time would have a huge impact on me but she had nothing supportive to say. She instead turns round and says that oh it's only another six months or so, that's not very long!

Considering I have been at home full time for so long and have been through so much with my ds AIBU to feel rather ticked off with my SiL's comment. Six months is a long time, and for me to have be back and forth again after already doing it for 18 months whilst ds attended nursery (for only 2 hours a day) then I feel deflated. My SiL knows how some days are bad for me and that I have little energy and I mentally, physically and emotionally need my ds to go town, but she makes out that it's no big deal, I honestly felt like slapping her.

Sometimes, when I'm having a rough time, I just want to have a little wallow and feel sorry for myself. And when I do, I want sympathy noises and a bit of pity. And when instead of that I get practical solutions and positive spins on the situation it really fucks me off.

Sometimes we don't want people to problem solve, we want them to sit down with us and say 'yes, it's really fucking shit'

And deep down I know that when they don't do that they aren't being unreasonable....BUT THATS WHAT I NEED DAMMIT AND THATS NOT UNREASONABLE EITHER!!

I must remember to refresh the page before posting after taking a phone all halfway through!

So both his nursery and now school feel full time is too much.

You need to speak with the school and find out exactly why they feel an extra 6 minths is needed.

Fwiw ds was july born so we had to wait until January, as the school did a rolling start. There is no point going down the 'if he was September born' because he isn't. Like dd wasn't. That extra few months did make a difference.

Of course you want a break. That's not wrong. Wanting to slap sil because she didn't respond how you wanted her too is wrong.

Stop getting annoyed because she chooses not to be a sahm. Not everyone wants to be. That's not wrong either.

I'm not annoyed because she chose not to be a sahm, why on earth would I be? Up until a couple of years back I too worked full time and there's nothing wrong with that. I was merely stating a fact, in that she herself has said that she couldn't bare to be at home full time with her four children, and to be honest that's fine, it's her choice. But when she tries to belittle me and make out that my life must be oh so easy as I'm at home all day, well I kind of resent it, especially as she knows I've worked all my life and worked away from home in the past to support my family.

So sorry you are having such a rough time OP, you sounds exhausted and like you have sacrificed a huge amount to stay at home with your son. I imagine you've had this chance at recovering yourself in sight for a long time and now it feels like it's been taken away without your consultation. So many parents of disabled children seem to be left unable to work or have respite due to nurseries or schools refusing to take them, resulting in disabled children being denied equal access to education and disabled children being more likely to live on the poverty line, it is wrong, wrong, wrong. Surely they should trial him with a 1 on 1 TA before reducing hours? Fight for him, fight for you, you have every right to want a rest. You could have done with support on this thread, not stone throwing. I'm sorry mumsnet seems to have let itself down...

Nope, SIL doesn't have a clue, people who don't have a child with additional needs often don't. I understand why you're frustrated with her but try to push it to one side and focus on the school. They are the issue. I'd want to know what they think will happen in 6 months time and why they can't put the right support into place now.

If every other child is allowed to start in September and not until the term after they turn 5 then they absolutely cannot legally put him on a reduced timetable if you don't agree - it's discrimination.

Write to your LA requesting for an EHCP asessment. This process takes 20 weeks in total. Your DS does not need a diagnosis for an EHCP. Google IPSEA and model letter for EHCP request.

Op you are getting a shockingly hard time on here.

I understand why your son was upset being pulled away after two hours at nursery. I don't think it's fair the school trying to reduce his hours after one incident that many children have at that age whilst still settling in. A poster further up said your lucky you aren't in Scotkand as kids don't start till five and then you have to wait till the following August. Thats bullshit. Each school year runs from births at the beginning of March one year till the end of Feb the next year. So children can start at 4.6 and only parent who's kids bday are between December end of Feb can defer a year. All my kids have started p1 at four
I have never ever heard of a child having their hours reduced once they have. How can they do that when he isn't even statemented?

I think your sil comment is a red flag, the issue is you are exhausted and need a bit of help and you time. Thats understandable. Don't agree to reduced hours you know your son better than a school he has been at two weeks. Perhaps a meeting with the teacher and head to discuss exact reasons of why he should go part time, that one incident alone certainly isn't enough.

YANBU to be annoyed. It's fucking annoying when you just want to rant and have sympathy and someone pisses you off and shuts you down. I did initially think it could be 50/50, she could be trying to be positive but no, I think she's minimising your upset.

I expect at any other time your SIL comment would just be an internal 'STFU' but you sound shattered and snowed under and in no mood to give benfit of the doubt or tolerance to her crap comments.

Hi Kathryn

I have a 4 yr old with ASD who was due to start in reception last week, but I am keeping him on at pre school atm until school and I can agree a plan to maximise the likelihood of DS being able to not only survive but cope well with the transition and leap to school.

In your shoes I would consider doing the following

Agree to a reduced timetable maybe like this

Week 1, 3hrs a day
Week 2, 4hrs a day
Week 3, 5hrs a day
Week 4, full days

That way you are seen to be listening to school's concerns and managing the transition with them. The legalities are one thing, but ultimately if you want the school to be as supportive as they can be, I would try and suck up the short term difficulties this presents for you for the likely longer term gains. I would try and keep the relationship positive with school at the start and become more hardline if needs be further down the road. If you insist on full time with no compromise at all it may put their backs up. Perhaps give them the benefit of the doubt at this stage that they are considering DS' s best interests to the best of their abilities.

I can understand your desperation, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression a few months ago, and my days consisted of being hit, spat at, shouted at and having things thrown at me fairly relentlessly by DS. DS has made remarkable progress in the last few months, but things are by no mean easy.

I would ask for a meeting with school to find out what measures they are putting in place to support your DS and get early years support service in asap.

Is getting a private ASD assessment a possibility?

I wish you well

The school is showing you that they cannot cope, even though they will probably tell you they can.

I think you should give serious thought as to whether they are the right school for your son long term.

1. Think what is best for your child, do you really think ft is best for him? I think a phased introduction to school would prob be best for all kids.

Apart from it potentially being discrimination and him missing out on a few hours school each week, do you really think he's disadvantaged by being part time? They won't exactly be learning loads at this age, surely it mostly just playing etc. I wouldn't care about it being discrimination if I thought my son was getting the better end of the stick. ( obviously this would be totally different if they are still saying this in a years time when it's really impacting his learning)

1. You are far too quick to dismiss the school, they MAY be just hoping for an easy life but your jumping to that conclusion (just like loads of people jumped to the conclusion that you were just thinking about yourself and not your child wanting him to be ft) they have experience of many kids and their shook environment so their opinion matters

1. You sound like a bitch to your sil, she sounds similar but you almost sound a bit paranoid about her having a go at you for being a sahm

1. If I've read correctly school have said it's something they'll have to consider if there continues to be incidents - so this hasn't happened yet and may not happen at all. It sounds like accolades are trying to work with you by starting a dialogue and we this sorted before they have to resort to a reduced timetable

I went back to work almost FT to see less of my children. It's great. :)

What comments has your SIL said that were digs at you, belittling or making out you have it easy?

OP, DS is on the spectrum. It's so, so hard. I get it. I honestly do. School can provide respite when he's being a nightmare (though tbh, he is mostly a nightmare when he's come home, because school is too much for him and he masks and bottles...)

The thing is, their priority and focus is DS, not you. When you feel desperate, you can't take any more and you need every scrap of energy just to stay a moderately adequate parent, the thought more may be asked of you is simply too much. I know. I get it. I call my mother and I am so, so lucky I can (sibling on the spectrum means she understands). But the school don't know you are not coping. All they know is that easing an ASD child, when anxiety is such a huge issue, into school is the way that seems, to them, most likely to make his school years a success in the longer term.

Forget SIL. To someone with a normal life and a normal frame of reference as regards time, 6 months is nothing. When you have a challenging ASD child and little respite, it can feel like a lifetime. Some days, till bedtime does to me.

So, practicalities. You need respite. You and DS both need you to have respite.

Homestart. Call them. You can self-refer, and you can access help asap. Practical, hands on, every week support.

Mencap's links page for autism can link you up to support groups. Other parents in these shoes can be an amazing support - your SIL can't begin to get it, but they live it too.

There is this charity in the Bristol/Cotswolds area which offers very good, sensory, expert respite care for ASD kids. They may know of one similar local to you. Call the National Autistic Society. Explain. Be honest. Ask them to recommend something, and tell them how on the edge you are. Tell them you need more support so you can support DS. None of us are limitless pools of emotional or physical energy.

Sleep. Does he? If not, are you referred to a sleep clinic? Has melatonin been discussed? Lack of sleep is soul destroying even if your child is otherwise easy.

DLA/Carers. Kids on the spectrum cost an absolute fortune, especially if they have sensory issues (DS can currently only wear Polarn oPyret and Frugi clothing - the rest are irritating. Shoes are an issue, too. He has to get his hair cut at one specfic place. If goes on...) If DS takes up that much time and energy, go to the Cerebra website and apply, if you haven't already.

It will get better. You have help out there. You deserve it.

BTW I am assuming the best with the school. As someone who has had a horrible time with DS' first school, I know that faith may be misplaced. But I think many, and hopefully most, schools do want the best for the child. Talk with them. See what their reasoning is.

You do know him best. Professionals are awfully prone to losing sight of that.

OP YANBU,does your sil have any experience of children with extra needs?If not I'd take no notice!We have 5DC,two of our children are asd and our youngest daughter also has physical disabilitys on top of the asd.Our 17 year old has just started having to wear hearing aids and I'm now disabled myself.

3 of my nephews have extra needs and I've been friends with children and adults with extra needs and worked with and taught children with extra needs for a long time.

Unless someone has lived within an household where a child has autism or adhd they really can't understand what it's like that can offer empathy but they can't feel what it's like.

From what you've said the school doesn't sound like a great match for your little boy.I've worked in nurserys and children without sens of 4 years old do sometimes,snatch,hit,shout,run off,have a tantrum.That's a normal part of growing up,starting Nursery can be very stressful for some children and some parents will find that they're child may revert to typical toddler behavior,having accidents(not using the toilet)not sharing,shouting,lashing out,crying ect.As hard as it is that kind of behavior with an sen is usally quite short livedd and with the school and the parents working together can usually be overcome without to much hassle.

If theycan't cope with typical behavior I wonder how they'd cope with things like autistic meltdowns,they're generally far worse than a toddler tantrum and can last for hours longer.

Are you getting any support from the like of cerebra or the autistic society,we've found both of them really helpful.