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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with SiL and to think that she hasn't got a clue!

91 replies

KathrynU · 18/09/2015 11:47

Hi there, I've been posting in the SN a bit recently and I've had some great advice but I feel that this is an AIBU issue. Basically my ds age 4 has just started reception. He is on the Asd pathway for further assessment, he clearly has additional needs but we are having to battle to get diagnosis.

Anyway I left my job to be a sahm when ds was one so I've been a full time mum for three and a half years now and I'll be honest, due to ds's behaviour, meltdowns and aggression it's been bloody hard work. So understandbaly I've been looking forward to him starting school full time. Before the summer holidays i got a call from the Senco at ds's new school and he told me that if they feel that ds won't cope full time then he'll be put on a reduced timetable and will do part time hours until he turns five and is compulsory school age, which as ds is a March baby it would be April after Easter when he's be able to go full time. I wasn't at all happy about this at all but as ds seems to have settled and he was due to start full time on Monday I thought all was well and it wouldn't happen. Well this week ds has had a couple of incidents and I'm being told again now that he still may be made to go part time if he doesn't behave, I felt devestated.

Anyway last night my SiL came round to our house with my nieces to play with my two kids and we gets to talking. I told her i was worried that ds will be forced to go part time and that it's not the answer for my ds to exclude him. I'm currently on medication for anxiety and depression (this only started since things became worse with ds) I feel unwell almost daily and I'm exhausted all of the time, my SiL knows this and she knows how ds being made to go part time would have a huge impact on me but she had nothing supportive to say. She instead turns round and says that oh it's only another six months or so, that's not very long!

Considering I have been at home full time for so long and have been through so much with my ds AIBU to feel rather ticked off with my SiL's comment. Six months is a long time, and for me to have be back and forth again after already doing it for 18 months whilst ds attended nursery (for only 2 hours a day) then I feel deflated. My SiL knows how some days are bad for me and that I have little energy and I mentally, physically and emotionally need my ds to go town, but she makes out that it's no big deal, I honestly felt like slapping her.

OP posts:
aprilanne · 18/09/2015 14:57

it could be worse believe me .my son sixteen next month has had no formal education from the age of 9 because they shut our special needs schools .wanted him to go to a boarding school for kids with sen .that was happening over my dead body know we have him at home they told us to homeschool because they had nothing on offer .sorry but if u struggling when he is 4 it just gets harder sorry to be negative

Thelushinthepub · 18/09/2015 14:59

I don't think there is anything wrong with what your SIL said, I think you're probably stressed and anxious about the situation (understaandably) and read too much into it

Booboostwo · 18/09/2015 15:19

It sounds like you don't really like your SIL in which case she is not the best person to confide in. See her for the kids' sake but keep conversations on lightweight, unimportant topics. What she said does not sound that bad, just a throw away comment by someone who doesn't really know you and didn't put much thought into the situation.

InimitableJeeves · 18/09/2015 15:35

the school have to also consider the other children in the class too. Have the incidents been things that would have upset, unsettled or hurt any other children who are also very little and trying to settle in too? This might explain why the school is saying they think part time would be a better idea for now.

The correct response to this is for the school to get urgent expert advice on how to support OP's son, and if necessary put in some 1:1 support or whatever it takes. They should probably be apply for an EHC Plan. The correct response is not to bundle him out of the door. It really isn't a matter of what they might or might not think is best, it's a matter of what the law requires.

aprilanne · 18/09/2015 15:59

if the school cant cope i think they can legally refuse to take him attall until after his 5th birthday maybe not ideal but legal partime is better than nothing

InimitableJeeves · 18/09/2015 16:39

No, they can't legally refuse if they take all other rising 5s full time in the autumn term. That would be discrimination on the grounds of disability.

Spartans · 18/09/2015 16:42

I think what the school isn't ideal (unless you have more detail to add about what else they have tried), however I think you are beig really harsh to your sil.

You seem to have a problem with her working and then You are getting annoyed because you think she might have a problem with you beig a sahm. Really what did you want her to say? Her response may not be overly helpful, but she was probably trying to say something positive.

Also just because a woman happens to have a well off husband it doesn't mean she should not have a career or job of her own.

Original poster
KathrynU · 18/09/2015 16:57

So I'm a nightmare parent, jealous and bitter, why thank you for that! I may have mental health issues but I assure you I'm none of those things. I'm not a perfect parent, in fact I'm a bit of a pushover, but you know what?......I'm sick of being walked all over. Nursery reduced my ds's hours and I just had to suck it up well I'm not about to do that now he's at school, he is after all, entitled to a full time education like everyone else, despite whatever issues he has, that doesn't mean I'm putting my own needs above my sons it just means I'm standing up for him and i won't be told what to do when it comes to my own child.

OP posts:
Original poster
KathrynU · 18/09/2015 16:59

Aprilanne, good for you! You are clearly a remarkable parent who has the mental capacity, energy and commitment to home educate your child, you are superior to me in every way.

OP posts:
shutupanddance · 18/09/2015 17:00

You are being over sensitive. Sorry to say but you sound like you are putting your needs before ds'. I hope you find a away to muddle through.

CatMilkMan · 18/09/2015 17:05

YABU

Bellebella · 18/09/2015 17:15

I think you are over sensitive when it comes to your sil. As you say you are not close and you sound pretty judgemental about her, so what did you expect her to say? I think yes it shows she does not get how hard it is but when someone is moaning to you, most people have no idea what to say apart from try and put a positive spin on it.

RuffWearer · 18/09/2015 17:22

Kathryn, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time - you sound exhausted and strung out, understandably. But I think your aggressiveness is being misdirected. You haven't given any information here about precisely what the 'incidents' were at school, so no one can judge whether the school are being discriminatory or offering their best advice - which isn't what you asked, anyway.

But you haven't said on here 'DS absolutely needs to start reception full time for x and y reasons to do with him', you've repeatedly said that you need him to go to school fulltime because you are struggling.

No one is denying your needs - and it sounds as if you've had a very difficult couple of years - but it isn't the school's job to accommodate them. The SN board will have a far better idea whether there are serious grounds for thinking the school us in fact discriminating against your son, and any other firms if respite/support there might be.

And I doubt your SIL was belittling your situation.

Spartans · 18/09/2015 17:34

OP you need to speak to the school. Considering what they are trying to do may be illegal, it's entirely possible they do believe this is the best course of action for your ds.

Your OP reads as if you are more worried about the impact on you than on DS, which has led to some reactions on here.

Yes you do sound bitter and a bit jealous in your posts. I think that is making you unreasonably angry with your Sil. As I said you clergy judge her for working, but feel angry she judges you. It reads as though you are equally as responsible as her for your bad relationship

totalrecall1 · 18/09/2015 17:49

I don't think it is illegal at all. Children have to be at school full time the term after their 5th birthday. They don't even have to be at school at all, let alone part time, before that. I think OP you are very stressed and it must be very hard, but I agree with previous posters that this seems more about you wanting a break than what is right for him. Starting school is can be difficult for young kids, so maybe he needs time to settle, exactly as previous posters have described. I wish I hadn't sent my son full time straight away, I think he could have done with longer part time tbh and he doesn't have the issues your son has. Perhaps you could enrol him in nursery on some of the other days to give you a bit of a break.

Narp · 18/09/2015 17:53

I have learned there are certain people I don't share worries or deep feelings with, and this has made my life much happier. Maybe your SIL is one of those?

Narp · 18/09/2015 17:55

I agree with TheInimitableJeeves

The OP is allowed to feel bad and have a rant

It won't help her to come on here and have her SILs opinions re-iterated

Original poster
KathrynU · 18/09/2015 17:59

I'll be honest, I don't actually have a problem with my SiL (despite the impression from earlier posts). What I said about her working as she doesn't want to be at home with her kids is actually true because she told my MiL and FiL this! She doesn't want to be a sahm (and that's obv fine and her choice) but she has had a few digs recently that has led me to believe that she resents me for being at home. This isn't me being paranoid or anything it's just what's happened, we aren't the best of pals or anything but that
doesn't mean that I dislike or hate her, I just didn't like the comment she made that's all.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/09/2015 18:03

I really disagree with reduced time tables just because the school can.

It's almost like they hear 'special needs' and in some schools automatically reduce the time table because it is easier for them to deal with it.

It will not always be best for the child and it's unlikely to be best when that decision is based on less than 2 weeks observation and the person who knows the child the best and how they are likely to respond does not agree with the decision.

They often do not reduce because they are being kind they reduce because they can.

How exactly does it provide the child with an equal opourtunity? If it is almost an automatic suggestion then it's unlikely to be based on clear medical needs and a cop out

Original poster
KathrynU · 18/09/2015 18:04

Do you know what?.....I have never, never put my needs before my son, everything I do is about him and his older brother. Since he was born he has come practically come everywhere with me as my family "don't do babysitting" and don't forget I CHOSE to be a sahm, I didn't have to you know, I thought it was best for my son so how is that putting my needs first?

My dh works long shifts so I'm on my own a lot of the time. I put absolutely everything and anything aside for the good of my children so much so I'm now on anti depressants as I'm utterly exhausted and most days I can just about function properly, but oh yes, I'm selfish!

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/09/2015 18:05

I don't think it is illegal at all. Children have to be at school full time the term after their 5th birthday. They don't even have to be at school at all, let alone part time

If they offer full time places to none disabled children then they should offer them if they are wanted to children with disabilities

wormshuffled · 18/09/2015 18:15

I agree its discrimination, they are not doing it for your DS benefit, but for their own, and I wouldn't have liked hearing that from my SIL either YANBU.

DisappointedOne · 18/09/2015 18:17

Children have to be at school full time the term after their 5th birthday.

Oh no they don't.

Tiptops · 18/09/2015 18:18

I think you've been looking forward to your DS starting school, as you need the respite for yourself. I think it would be better to separate out the two issues completely.

You've mentioned a few times the reasons why you would like your son to be full time, but no mention of the reasons why that would be in his best interest. Especially if he is struggling and now having incidents which have resulted in the school suggesting part time hours. Part time hours could be very helpful to him while he settles in, and in the meantime a diagnosis needs to be sought as a matter of urgency so that when he does go back full time, appropriate support is in place. From your sons point of view, part time hours could be much kinder and more supportive to him during this huge change.

As a separate issue, you need respite for yourself which doesn't mean just getting your son into school full time. Where is your husband in all this? Can you afford an au pair or nanny to provide some care for your son, even if it means you going back to work? Can family members or friends commit to having your son for a few hours a week?

Original poster
KathrynU · 18/09/2015 18:19

Yes I do need a break, I admit it, do I not deserve one? I was a full time mum at home for two years and then when he did go to nursery at age 3 he only did two hours a day and by the time I got home from dropping him off I had an hour before I had to leave to go back for him. I adore my little boy, he is my world but what the hell is wrong with admitting that I was looking forward to him starting school? If we are honest with ourselves most of us parents look forward to our little ones starting full time school, whether it's to get a much needed break, to have childcare costs reduced, to not have to rely on family to pick them up etc etc, so why am I being made out to be selfish for just being brave enough to admit how I feel.

OP posts: