To expect grown ups to know about stuff?!!!!

[Figamol]

On finding out my son was autistic (not at the school) my other DS class mums said:

'oh thats cool, cos they're all super intelligent, like the rainman'
'oh he doesn't look it' (what does autism look like exactly, are you implying I'm not telling you the truth?!!!)
'oh mine are definitely autistic as they always want their coats fastened a certain way'

I mean really?!!! AIBU a) to go all out on a rant at them b) to expect these mums, and we're talking wealthy educated people to actually pay attention to whats going on in the world around them, and not just where to buy their next porsche?!!

That feels better :) :) :)

YABU not everyone knows the details of autism. I've only come across one autistic child, as far as I'm aware. It's not on everyone's radar.

You should have called them out on their ignorance! I don't think I would have been able to bite my tongue. How can people make such ridiculous statements? Silly people!

Yabu, not everyone knows everything about all disabilities or medical conditions because not everyone comes into contact with people with that issue, I'm sure there are conditions you don't know everything about either

YABU not everyone is clued up on autism and I think that, although saying the wrong thing, they were actually trying to find something nice/positive to say

Thanks for the feedback, I get where you're coming from. Totally. But I don't consider these 'details' of ASD, before my DS was diagnosed, I knew nothing either, but I just would have said a whole other bunch of stuff before spouting out stereotypes...

I think you are being a bit U - people tend to know about things that they have been important in their own life. I know very little about autism because neither of my DCs are autistic, and as far as I know, none of their friends are. I know that rainman is not the only form of autism, and some people can be further along the spectrum than others, but that is about it.
If I told you my DC had diabetes, or epilepsy or cystic fibrosis would you know more details than that? (They don't by the way)

I know very little about autism as I haven't had to deal with it.

But if my ds made a new friend who was autistic or 'different' in any way, I would ask the parent (out of earshot of the new friend) if there was any special precautions we needed to know.

Yabu expecting all parents to know everything.

Ywnbu to expect them to keep their comments to themselves /ask useful questions.

Not just for autism. Food allergies, physical limitations, speech problems, fears/phobias,

All kids are different.

Yanbu. You don't have to know everything about every disability to know that comparing a child with autism to the rainman is not appropriate.

See - if I'm told that someone has a condition that I don't know about I think of it as not my place to comment about it until I do know, otherwise you just end up upsetting somebody.

I don't know much about autism but I do know that people don't "look" autistic and I know that being autistic doesn't make you super intelligent. Just like being blind doesn't give you super sensitive hearing!

Yanbu unreasonable, of course people don't know everything about autism (I don't ) but surely we know enough to know that those rediculous comments are not appropriate!

Thanks for the perspectives. I just feel like when I don't know about a topic thats brought up my first instinct is to ask questions and ask how it affects them and offer help if ever. I've learnt a load of stuff I had no clue about like this.

I just find it strange people, and highly educated ones at that, are happy to settle at limiting their knowledge to stereotypes and not learn more about the world. Its not everybody, some people are fantastic, I'm just genuinely curious - what are these people watching, reading etc?!

YANBU! not at all! God people say such stupid and insensitive things. Rainman FFS?!!

...before my DS was diagnosed, I knew nothing either, but I just would have said a whole other bunch of stuff before spouting out stereotypes…

...wealthy educated people to actually pay attention to whats going on in the world around them, and not just where to buy their next porsche?

That whole stereotype thing cut both ways I imagine.

People sometimes say clunky, insensitive things when caught off-balance and they're actually trying to be nice. Most people do think Rainman is a positive reference, however it actually is.

All are comments trying to be positive or supportive though. I know they aren't helpful but better than oh dear or how awful.

What would you have preferred them to say?

A lot of people are sheltered from health problems as they and their family are in good health.

I have a DD born with a physical disability I knew nothing about before she was born. I also have a serious rare health condition that most people wont have heard of.

Kindly meant but ignorant comments are par for the course.

It's not so much that they should know things, as not everyone knows about autism, but that they should bloody well think before they speak and not spout such nonsense. If they don't know what it is then then the sensible thing is to ask a polite question. However, IME the majority of people will just wade right in with their stupid remarks first.

I'm sorry you've had those reactions - I expect though that they typify the only exposure these people have had to autism so far, and so they're working off what they "know" and trying to show some sort of support by saying what they "know", rather than "what's that all about then?"

But that's being kind.

They might just be ignorant dismissive types who don't know anything (obvious) but aren't really interested in finding out more either.

I hope you put them right? Or were you too shocked to say anything much?

Ha true. But porsches, manicures, holidays are their main topics of conversation, even for a whole evening, so yes they self perpetuate a certain amount of stereotyping ;)

Ah no. Im totally useless in situations that shock me. Im usually polite and smile and change the subject as quickly as its appropriate. I get mad at myself, especially after one stranger violently dragged my DS out if her kids way (3 times) this summer after I explained he was autistic, non verbal, and didn't understand her request to move. I was so upset I didn't have his back. I still can't believe I didn't let hell loose….

Yabu a bit. As people said, not everyone has experience of many autistic people.

Yes their comments are a bit ignorant, but quite honestly I think people don't know what to say. I have aspergers I always get 'what you, but you are so nice/happy ' I don't take it to mean people with apart gets can't be nice or happy, I take it to mean 'oh fuck you have just divulged an important thing to me and I have no clue what to say' or 'oh wow I would never have guessed'

I just think that many people don't know how to react when you tell people.

But also I think it may make them differently in future when meeting other people with aspergers or challenge their assumptions.

Maybe an assertiveness course would help you with that - but dear me, how very fucking rude of her to lay hands on your son!!

I find it hard to believe some people really said this stuff to your face. Are you serious? Can't imagine even the thickest people I know making those kind of comments.

Thanks Spartans, its exactly what I need to step up and do. Try and challenge their assumptions politely and talk about what it is openly x

I think people's general knowledge is generally quite poor. Autism will only be one of hundreds of things they know little about. Whether you want to take on the job of educating them is up to you.

Mamushka, that actually made me laugh out loud :)

YANBU.

I think it's reasonable to expect adults (without learning difficulties) to have a basic general knowledge and awareness that extends to:

a) Not having absurdly childish views such as "autism is great because he'll know lots of stuff like the rainman"

b) Having enough awareness to know what you don't know, and keep quiet before spouting views as facts when they are utterly wrong

In my experience, the more ignorant a person is, the more they think they know everything. How can we expect adults to raise well-adjusted, well-rounded individuals that can make a positive contribution to society if they themselves are so mired in such ignorance!

It's this kind of ignorance in society that breeds racism, sexism, and all manner of beliefs and attitudes that are profoundly harmful to others.