To expect grown ups to know about stuff?!!!!

[Figamol]

On finding out my son was autistic (not at the school) my other DS class mums said:

'oh thats cool, cos they're all super intelligent, like the rainman'
'oh he doesn't look it' (what does autism look like exactly, are you implying I'm not telling you the truth?!!!)
'oh mine are definitely autistic as they always want their coats fastened a certain way'

I mean really?!!! AIBU a) to go all out on a rant at them b) to expect these mums, and we're talking wealthy educated people to actually pay attention to whats going on in the world around them, and not just where to buy their next porsche?!!

That feels better :) :) :)

Ds is very particular. Things have o be done a certain way. I am 100% sure he isn't on the spectrum. However people have said that his behaviour is 'autistic like'. My response is usually to ask them what they mean. Then pint out that I have aspergers and dh doesn't. Dh is much more particular about things than I am and that's where da gets it from.

When people have to verbalise it rather than a snap comment out of panic, they usually realise how silly they sound.

It is difficult though OP, it's only been the last few years I have felt more comfortable with myself to be open about it.

I think that, in general, it is a good idea to think the best of people whenever possible. So while these women were ignorant in the true sense (of lacking knowledge) and maybe they put their feet in it a bit, they certainly weren't being hateful or nasty or judgemental. The OP's remarks on these women's fondness for idle chatter about inoffensive topics certainly could be taken as being judgemental and a bit nasty, but I'm sure that's not how they were meant.

Ah I wish I had the guts to ask them what they mean, but then I don't want to watch people I have to see everyday squirm. I'll just look like the prickly one!

I truly don't think they knew how daft they sounded. Which is why I didn't bother continuing the conversation. Just came on here to rant instead ;)

Yabu, not everyone knows everything about all disabilities or medical conditions

The Op isn't expecting everyone to know everything about autism. I don't, and don't pretend to.....

but just because we can't expecting people to know everything doesn't mean we should be OK with people knowing nothing, especially when they seem to have chosen to live in vacuous bubble of ignorance!

Oh fucking Rainman. Seriously, if I had a pound for every Rainman comment I'd be typing this from my private beach in the Maldives. Fuck you Rainman! Fuck you right up your card counting arse!

Oooh that felt better.

Seriously, it's now got to joke status amongst my (very close) friends who will, very occasionally, when I'm not expecting it, lean in with a head tilt and ask if there's any evidence of DS special talent yet. You will learn to rise above. Sometimes.

I completely understand where you are coming from but stupid / thoughtless comments unfortunatly are part of life.
There are 2 ways to deal with them ignore or educate. Both can be hard and may depend on the situation.

I have severe rheumatoid arthritis and I have spent the past 17 years dealing with stupid comments (my nan has that she gets a bit achy, ooo I have that in my toe, you can't have that you aren't old) with people I know I try to educate them - it's a serious life changing disease that affects my whole body including my heart and lungs and reduces my life expectancy, causes pain, restricted movement and can make me very ill not just a bit of a sore knee.
Those I don't know I tend to ignore.
Most people are not aware of things they have no experience of be it disability, illness, family, finances or something else. Because of this even clever people say stupid things all the time.

To be fair they are trying to say (albeit clumsily) something positive. It can be difficult to not put you foot in it when someone gives you new information and you tend to unfortunately fall back on stereotypes that leap into your mind when you are trying to relate to what someone is saying.

In my mind far better to try and sound positive rather than ignore, change the subject, interrogate you for more information or react with "poor you, how dreadful".

People dealing with bereavement, cancer diagnosis or other major life event face similar experiences. It is more unusual to find people who say the right thing, and the right thing can be different for each person.

I'm working on that Winkly - Im v conscious that people annoy me much more than before since DS diagnosis!! And yes, sometimes Im a bit negative:) But truly I do believe if you met some of these mothers you might have the same conclusion, I'm delighted for them to have such charmed lives, jealous in fact, but its no excuse for ignorance :)

I think you have probably caught people off guard and they were trying to be positive towards you.
Until I started work in my last job I knew next to nothing about autism.

I think the people that you gave as examples knew a certain trait that someone had with autism or their only reference point was Rainman and they have run with that.

It's better than giving you the sympathetic tilt of the head and lowering their voice as they spoke to you!!

My cousin has ASD. My stepmum mentioned how he was "a bit weird" and I said well, you know he has ASD. She said "But does he REALLY?" All conspiratorial, like everyone just plays along that ASD is a real thing.

I can be clumsy too sometimes SilverBirch, its just the confidence with which they express their ignorance that annoys me!

Sound like they're in the ABI spectrum.

ABI - A Bit Ignorant. Typically affects those of a more vacuous nature. Most usually manifests in a benign way but occasionally presents in a more offensive form.

True Whathaveilost. The worst comment to date was from a Montessori school owner who cocked her head and said 'I'm so sorry'. I was blown away, it thoroughly confused me as I didn't really feel like anyone had died...

I suspect we could all benefit from practising better listening skills rather than leaping in with our own experience (or lack of). However I agree that a lot of people are only interested as far as their own knowledge allows and don't really want to develop it beyond their own experiences.

My worst example after a colleague shared the information about being diagnosed with a specific cancer, was to tell her my father had had the same type. When she then asked how his treatment had worked out, I had to tell her he died. What was I thinking? The day after she had found out, to share that jolly snippet of information was unforgivable.

I always ask it in a friendly chatty tone. Tone is everything in these converstations.

YABU to expect them to know all about autism, but YANBU to feel like ranting at them - what ridiculous comments to make.

If someone told me their child had a certain condition or disability I would ask them about it , not pretend to know all about it.

YANBU. I know very little about autism but can see how stupid these women's comments are.

Yabu, if something doesn't feature in your life then why would you need to do research into it? It's personal to you, but that doesn't mean it is to everyone. And if you handle a situation in a certain way then don't expect others to.

YABU to expect everyone to know details of all kind of illnesses and disabilities, whether physical or mental.

However, YANBU to expect that people don't then come out with stupid cliched comments like that.

People are trying to say they empathise.

When we found dd2 was missing her hand on the scan people always talked about it on a personal level to them.
So we heard numerous stories about second cousin three times removed who lost the end of her little finger and still could cook a wonderful shepherds' pie.

Didn't really help at the time, but people were trying to say "don't worry", she's not the only one. We did find when the reality caught up with us, people were willing to listen and understand better.

And some of the stories did help later. but not when it was raw and still shocked.

What fascinates me most about the comments people make, and what they consider to be socially appropriate, is that they behave as they do and then consider the autistic person to be the one lacking social skills/graces and human empathy. My DS shows a lot more of both than an awful lot of NT people. He may not know not to put his face in yours, he may not know that being as friendly to someone he's just met as he is to someone he's known his whole life is not seen as normal, and he may not understand that there are things you don't say, even (especially, in fact) if they are glaringly true - but he does know others have feelings, and needs, and as far as he possibly can, he respects them. It is, sadly, not that reciprocated by certain types.

Nobody, least of all a parent of a child on the spectrum (who will have had to do a lot of research, personally, anyway) expects everyone to be fully apprised of the symptoms and signs of autism. They do expect them to have some basic manners and a modicum of human decency. Seems that is too much to ask.

YANBU, these comments are insensitive. I think it can be hard to know how to respond when someone tells you news like this; it is bad to assume that autism is a tragedy for the family, and bad to assume that it's just a minor issue or something to joke about.

I know quite a few people who have children with autism and have read a lot about it, but I would make no assumptions about your feelings or experience, and would try to gauge wether you wanted to talk and let you set the tone of the conversation. I would still probably get it wrong.

How would you like people to respond to your news?

Thats a great question. Ive thought about it alot! I think the best reactions went along the lines of, 'oh wow i didnt know, i have a good friend whose kid is autistic (talks about child) how did you first know? What treatment is he getting? That must be tiring for you, let me take other DD or DS after school sometimes' but youre right, some days im tired or emotional and dont really want to talk about it. Like anything, taking cues is important!

Honestly i think the people who ask questions (and not what his special gift is a la Rainman) and just talk as they would if they were trying to learn about anything. Offers of help are great :) :) its a fine line, im not looking for sympathy either, Im uncomfortable with the 'that must be so hard for you' route as it makes me feel I have to talk in a disloyal way about my lovely DS.

I think my bigger point is less about autism and more about how ignorant people handle subjects they think they know everything about :) :)

YANBU op, I think the fundamental thing that some people lack is empathy and tact in most cases like this, they aren't doing it to be mean they just verbalise things wrongly although that doesn't stop you from wanting to rant at them!

For example, the incorrect response to finding out that someone's child has XYZ medical condition you know nothing about would be something like = 'oh is that the condition where they 'insert stereotype here'' or 'Oooh I could never cope if my child had that'.

Better response would be 'oh, I've never heard of that/don't know much about that, how does that affect 'child'' or even something non specific to the condition but still supportive.

I didn't know anything about autism before ds but I certainly would have had enough sense to be tactful and Yanbu to expect that most adults should be too!

Not really. I'm not wealthy or educated or anything but I wouldn't know anything about it and wouldn't think anyone would unless they knew someone with it. My 1 year olds got a heart condition but I wouldn't expect other mums to know anything about it or what it meant