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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be terminating this pregnancy

98 replies

ahtilnextweek · 17/09/2015 11:19

I have found out i am approx 3-4 weeks preg and on phoning today have got an appointment on Tuesday to terminate the pregnancy (was incredibly impressed at how quickly they could give me an appointment)

I'm feeling very matter of fact about the whole thing, i have one dd, am a single working parent starting to advance in my career, yet following a condom break and the morning after pill have found myself in these circumstances.

I'm very much just treating it like a task that needs to be done. Am I being selfish? financially I could not support another child and would feel resentful towards a second child at this stage in my life.

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 17/09/2015 12:28

No. But given how matter of fact you are about it all, I wonder why you feel the need to ask?

On the matter of PG termination you will always get someone telling you were unreasonable. You could be on the breadline with seven other children and be Myra Hindley and someone would still say you should have it.

You don't need anyone else's permission or approval and you don't need to justify your reasons. So why did you start the thread? Confused

Muckogy · 17/09/2015 12:31

YANBU.
your body, your choice.

Original poster
ahtilnextweek · 17/09/2015 12:33

can i just ask where the line got set, who drew the line as to what topics were deemed 'reasonable' and 'unreasonable' in aibu?

OP posts:
PatrickJaneIsRedJohn · 17/09/2015 12:33

What's the question?

I do think it's crass to bother telling as many people as possible that you don't care. At all. At the end of the day it is a human life that is being ended, or the potential for one as no doubt people will scream.

I'm happy you are happy with your choice, but I get the feeling you are a little bit prod of how blasé you are. Which I, personally, don't see as a good thing.

PatrickJaneIsRedJohn · 17/09/2015 12:34

Proud not prod

swimmerforlife · 17/09/2015 12:38

OP, I'm not offended and I have had 4 miscarriages. If people do not like the thread, they can simply hide it.

What about all those threads in AIBU about how bad and shit some fathers are?? can I say thats not appropriate as I lost my lovely father when I was 14 and you should be grateful that you still have a dad etc. Of course not.

Waitingimpatient · 17/09/2015 12:40

I think it really depends on the circumstances surrounding the subject

you can post whatever you like. This thread just seems a bit odd if you really are sure about your decision as I'm not sure what you hope to achieve from it? Either you want validation or you want to start a debate or perhaps you are not really as sure about things as you first said

So, rather than now asking about who set the rules about what subjects are allowed in AIBU maybe you should get this thread moved and you might get some more helpful responses

DontDrinkandFacebook · 17/09/2015 12:41

Completely agree with PatrickJane

LieselVonTwat · 17/09/2015 12:42

OP the thing is that abortion topics in AIBU almost invariably turn into a massive bunfight. That may not be what you need right now. As a pp said, it's for your protection as much as anyone else's.

differentnameforthis · 17/09/2015 12:44

What are you hoping for in response? Please get it moved. For one thing, it will be painful to see the thread title for people struggling with infertility.

Hoping for support, I dare say.

People who are struggling with fertility will see this in any topic that they don't have hidden. As hard as it is to struggle with infertility, it isn't up to the op to make sure this isn't seen by those suffering. She shouldn't have to hide her thread.

How is your post helpful?

differentnameforthis · 17/09/2015 12:44

CAN WE STOP ASKING THE OP WHY SHE STARTED THE THREAD??

Why does anyone start a thread here? Why can't op start a thread to talk about it.

If you can't be helpful, leave the thread!

differentnameforthis · 17/09/2015 12:47

can i just ask where the line got set, who drew the line as to what topics were deemed 'reasonable' and 'unreasonable' in aibu? Nobody did, op. Post away as you like. This is as much a space for you, as it is anyone else that needs support.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 17/09/2015 12:48

Hmm I suffer from Infertility and can find threads about sodding baby clothes upsetting, does that mean no one should ever post things that someone could find upsetting? Of course not, how ridiculous

Op, if you feel this is the right decision for you then how could you possibly be unreasonable?
Well done for having the courage to make a decision best for YOU, hope all goes well, thinking of you xx

onthematleavecountdown · 17/09/2015 12:48

You've thought about it, you've made a decision - yanbu.

I think it's very admirable the decision your making.

ScarletRuby · 17/09/2015 12:49

Patrick the op has made a difficult choice which is right for her, why shouldn't she be proud? Would it make you feel better if she was ashamed?

ScarletRuby · 17/09/2015 12:50

OP please feel free to message me if you would like to talk.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2015 12:53

I don't think it's quite a question of policing the thread. Now if somebody pro-life came on and said absolutely don't do it. Everyone would be down like a ton of bricks. Saying it's completely the OP's decision which it obviously is. The point is this whether this is a question on the rights and wrongs of termination or a question on what the OP should do. It doesn't seem to be either.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 17/09/2015 12:56

I've had 6 miscarriages and I don't, and wouldn't have while I was going through them (currently a few days off due date so this time is in the past), want anyone to tell the OP off on my behalf for posting this. I don't see what her unwanted pregnancy has to do with someone else's struggles to conceive or losses.

OP, YA obviously NBU to have made the decision you have. YANBU to not feel guilt or grief over it. And that would be the case whatever your financial or relationship situation. Someone else who did feel torn/guilty/grieving would likewise NBU. And equally you would NBU to keep the pregnancy. What I want to say is there are no 'shoulds' in this, not really. Your body, your choice, which means exactly what it says.

squoosh · 17/09/2015 12:57

YANBU OP.

Best of luck to you.

autumnintheair · 17/09/2015 12:58

Maybe the OP is worried that she is missing something, though? Maybe she's concerned that there's an aspect of it that she hasn't considered, and was posting on AIBU in case someone comes along and says 'Actually, think about this option or this aspect of the process' - like how Petra pointed out about the clinics requiring a scan before they can terminate the pregnancy; to prepare the OP for the fact that it might not happen as quickly as she'd hoped

^ this, I hate it when people try and shut down threads or get them moved off to dark corners where no one goes.

She wants to discuss it, let her discuss it.
Sorry but MN is not a place to go if you have sensitive triggers.

There are a few things I too am sensitive about and I choose not to look or go on those threads.

OP good luck in your situation I would only force myself to look at the other arguments, ie the dc you do have, how would they benefit from a sibling? I hope you manage to get everything sorted smoothly though.

ReallyTired · 17/09/2015 12:58

I am sorry that the OP is going through this. I hope she has plenty of support in real life. I see nothing wrong with her having an abortion provided she is completely sure it is what she wants. My only concern is that the fact that she has started this thread shows that there might be underlining doubts.

"Well done for having the courage to make a decision best for YOU, hope all goes well, thinking of you xx"

I don't think that having an abortion is a sign of courage or lack of courage. I feel that courage is the wrong word for this kind of situation. Different people make different decisions. I don't think that someone else who chooses to carry on with an unwanted pregnancy lacks courage. I feel its completely wrong to judge.

differentnameforthis · 17/09/2015 12:58

The point is this whether this is a question on the rights and wrongs of termination or a question on what the OP should do. It doesn't seem to be either. Well then perhaps the op doesn't know what she is looking for & we should maybe be a little more accommodating & supportive to see if we can get to the root of the issue instead of scolding her like she is a child for daring to post in AIBU?

wannaBe · 17/09/2015 13:12

IMO the word triggering is overused in order to shut down discussion on too many issues. mustn't post about termination because of someone's fertility issues, mustn't post about violence because someone might have been a victim, must be careful where you post what because of who you might offend and where.

Reality is that this is the internet, and there will always be topics of discussion which one person finds sensitive for whatever reason. We can't expect to compartmentalise discussion because of who it will offend, unless the topic really is offensive such as racism/disablism. I'm not altogether pro termination, however it is a slippery slope to go down to suggest that termination, which is entirely legal in this country, should be limited to the board provided because of the other people it might offend.

The only reason why I would suggest the op post this in the pregnancy choices topic is because this is ibu, which has a reputation for being a free-for-all in terms of response and discussion, whereas if op posts in pregnancy choices, the responses are less likely to be harsh ones based on someone's personal opinions of terminations and the op's attitude towards them.

RaspberryOverload · 17/09/2015 13:24

I think the real question is the guilt the OP is feeling.

Why don't we take a look at that? She's feeling guilty because she's not experiencing the feelings that society says she should.

But we have had other threads where it's clear that many, many people want women who terminate to be sobbing with guilt and wearing sack-cloth and ashes before the termination, when the reality is that many women don't feel that.

OP, you've made a decision you feel is right for you. Don't feel guilty about not feeling bad about that decision. You're not being selfish, not at all.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 17/09/2015 13:28

reallytired I didn't say having an abortion showed courage. I said making a decision right for you took courage....wether that was having an abortion or choosing to continue with the pregnancy