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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be terminating this pregnancy

98 replies

ahtilnextweek · 17/09/2015 11:19

I have found out i am approx 3-4 weeks preg and on phoning today have got an appointment on Tuesday to terminate the pregnancy (was incredibly impressed at how quickly they could give me an appointment)

I'm feeling very matter of fact about the whole thing, i have one dd, am a single working parent starting to advance in my career, yet following a condom break and the morning after pill have found myself in these circumstances.

I'm very much just treating it like a task that needs to be done. Am I being selfish? financially I could not support another child and would feel resentful towards a second child at this stage in my life.

OP posts:

queenofthepirates · 17/09/2015 12:01

YANBU and you will not be unreasonable if you feel happy or sad about it. It's not right for you just now and so you go ahead. Sending a big hug, you're a brave kitten xx

PetraDelphiki · 17/09/2015 12:03

YANBU but do be aware that 3-4 weeks may well be too early for them to detect the pregnancy with a scan - and they can't terminate unless the scan shows a pregnancy.

So just be prepared to not be able to do it as soon as you would like. ANd do have a very clear discussion with them about the pros/cons of each method...

ScarletRuby · 17/09/2015 12:06

Biscuitmillionare I don't agree with you that this is not the place to post it. You are not the thread police. I appreciate that it may be difficult for people for people struggling with infertility, but the OP is well within her rights to have the procedure and should feel free to discuss it if she wishes.

I wonder OP if you are feeling a bit guilty that your not feeling 'something' about it. I had a termination 3 years ago and felt exactly the same as you. I kept waiting for the guilt or grieving to hit. It didn't and I have no regrets.

ShammyDavis · 17/09/2015 12:06

Your decision of course.

But don't you think an AIBU about termination rather crass?

ScarletRuby · 17/09/2015 12:08

Why is it crass? If we talked about termination more then maybe more women would be more equipped to deal with it.

Waitingimpatient · 17/09/2015 12:10

I don't think anyone was trying to be the thread police, just pointing out AIBU may not be the place for a thread about a termination where the OP has already made a decision that she seems certain about

Of course OP is not BU but this thread doesn't seem appropriate for AIBU

ShammyDavis · 17/09/2015 12:11

Absolutely no problem with discussing it of course.

Asking about it in the shoutiest high traffic area of the site and then immediately bumping appears crass to me.

You don't have to agree with me of course.

Waitingimpatient · 17/09/2015 12:11

It could be a different scenario of OP for example was saying "my situation is x, I'm not sure what to do" and was looking for help and input to enable a decision to be made but this just seems like a pointless thread along the lines of "I've made my decision AIBU anyway"

LoveChickens · 17/09/2015 12:12

Not the right place for this. Do what you want, your choice.

ScarletRuby · 17/09/2015 12:12

How many threads are started by people who insist they are not being unreasonable and then go on to say so despite everyone telling them so? Why is this one any more in-appropriate?

swimmerforlife · 17/09/2015 12:13

I think the OP has every right to post here, after all it is a forum isn't it, you can't dictate where a poster can and cannot not post.

ScarletRuby · 17/09/2015 12:14

I actually think this is a really valuable thread, I think women are told how they should feel after a termination (I certainly was). We need to know that some women feel different and there is nothing wrong with that.

MakeItACider · 17/09/2015 12:14

The decision you take has to be the right decision for you. How you feel about it, is also dependant on you. Feeling matter of fact about it is fine. TBH, there's no 'wrong' way for you to feel. It's 100% your life, your body, your choice.

Waitingimpatient · 17/09/2015 12:14

From what I've seen on other AIBU threads people are often pulled up on it if they start a thread saying they know they are not BU but go ahead with a thread anyway

What makes this one more inappropriate is the content as it's more triggering for some people as opposed to something trivial

ShammyDavis · 17/09/2015 12:15

There is a Topic called Pregnancy Choices, MNHQ created it just for that.

Waitingimpatient · 17/09/2015 12:17

As well, the title and content can be triggering for others but this thread could also lead to the OP getting a hard time too

If a decision has already been made them I agree the pregnancy choices would be a better place to post. AIBU could attract responses that may target the OP at a difficult time

Original poster

ahtilnextweek · 17/09/2015 12:18

whilst i have been asked "why are you posting this in aibu" and the "triggers" it may give for anyone in an infertility situation...

I have guilt that I feel nothing, I have guilt that I haven't given my decision a second thought (which in turn means that I have given it a second thought). I know my mind, I know my decisions but I also know that someone looking at something from an objective viewpoint may be able to determine my feelings of being unreasonable.

With regards to the "triggers" - there are many threads which may give triggers to others, "aibu to want this last slice of cake" to someone with an eating disorder, "aibu to want to upgrade this house" to someone who has crippling debts. I in no capacity wish to trivailise the isse of infertility but nor do I wish to have to silence myself and my question in case it may or may not be a "trigger" to others.

OP posts:

Original poster

ahtilnextweek · 17/09/2015 12:20

suppose I did not know of that thread in pregnancy choices, suppose I was still undecided, it is not a decision that can be redone. I merely asked if this was an unreasonable choice, suppose someone gave another take on my situation that could change my mind?

OP posts:

Waitingimpatient · 17/09/2015 12:20

If that is how you feel them you really are better off posting in pregnancy choices as someone there may be more likely to be able to help with your feelings of guilt due to your lack of emotions over a termination

Waitingimpatient · 17/09/2015 12:22

Maybe start a new thread then now that you know?

Your last post makes me wonder are you really as confident in your decision as your OP led me to believe. If that is the case then post in an area that may be less complicated than AIBU

Original poster

ahtilnextweek · 17/09/2015 12:22

thank you scarletruby - to those who have said this is tiggering for those with infertility issues, what about those of us who are in this situation and feel nothing/not how they "should" feel - I asked a question, maybe I wanted to feel I am normal in my thought process.

OP posts:

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 17/09/2015 12:22

I am guessing you feel "matter of fact" as the baby is so small. You haven't bonded yet. I would guess this is the best time to do it, as long as you are sure it is what you want.

It's your body, your life, your choice.

You have obviously thought about it and made a balanced choice.

Worse things have happened.

jorahmormont · 17/09/2015 12:23

Maybe the OP is worried that she is missing something, though? Maybe she's concerned that there's an aspect of it that she hasn't considered, and was posting on AIBU in case someone comes along and says 'Actually, think about this option or this aspect of the process' - like how Petra pointed out about the clinics requiring a scan before they can terminate the pregnancy; to prepare the OP for the fact that it might not happen as quickly as she'd hoped.

There will always be threads started that people find triggering in some way. One of the things that most attracted me to MN was that when I started a thread about my unplanned pregnancy in 2013, and later on during the pregnancy, threads where I was worrying because I didn't feel bonded to DD, and didn't particularly want the baby even though I was thirty weeks at this point, no-one told me to 'Think about people with infertility', or came out with 'some people would do anything for a baby, YABU'. People were supportive; they took my case on its own merits, not in comparison to strangers with their own personal struggles to face. Other forums were quick to point out how ungrateful I was being, and that I should just be grateful I could have a baby.

I couldn't breastfeed, and was gutted at first. I never asked for breastfeeding-related AIBUs to be moved, nor did I criticise the OP. Some people can't afford to buy a house, and will probably never get on the housing ladder, myself included. I've never seen anyone ask for a house purchase-related AIBU to be more considerate, or tell them that they shouldn't post in this section.

We're all going to have to be exposed to something that makes us feel shitty at times.

Waitingimpatient · 17/09/2015 12:24

It's as much for the OP as for others that AIBU may be better avoided for this topic

Viviennemary · 17/09/2015 12:27

I agree that it is not an appropriate topic for AIBU. I don't get why if you are so sure it's the right thing you are asking for opinions.

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