to wonder how school failed to notice that DS had shit himself?

[StormyLlewelyn]

DS is in Year Two at school and is under ongoing assessment for ASD, school are aware of this and are also aware that he has issues with seeking assistance if he is in difficulty.

All the way home from school today I could smell shit. I checked the buggy wheels, checked everyone's shoes, checked the baby's nappy, couldn't find the source. We got home and I could still smell it. I began the usual getting home chores and unpacked the PE bags to wash kit. DS had come home in his PE kit as he'd been to football club so his bag had his uniform in. As soon as I opened the bag I was hit with the smell. The bag contained his school pants, caked in shit on both the outside and inside. His undies, also caked in shit, and his white shirt with shit on one sleeve.

I took DS upstairs and checked him over. His backside and tops of his thighs were covered in dried on shit. I found out from him that he'd been desperate for the loo at lunchtime and didn't make it in time. In true DS fashion, he didn't speak up (which I've spoken to him about. Again.).

Lunchtime was four hours before I picked him up which means he's sat in his mess for four hours. Mess visible from the outside of his clothes. In these four hours he has been in the care of the lunch time staff, the playground staff, his teachers (two in the classroom), three teaching assistants, the school-employed staff who run the football club, and the school office staff. He has also gotten changed into his PE kit in the classroom twice (once for PE and once for football club).

AIBU to wonder how the fuck no one noticed he was covered in shit and stinking to the high heavens? I've had to send DH out for Sudocrem as he has sores on his skin from sitting in it for so long.

I'm so angry and upset and not sure what to do from here. I've emailed a complaint to the school and requested an urgent meeting with the headteacher because, as far as I'm concerned, it's neglect. Part of me wants to keep him off tomorrow until after I've spoken to the headteacher about it but I can see that making the situation worse.

Any advice or grips?

[lavendersun]

I don't believe the teacher didn't realise

I find this amazing - none of the teachers I have met would purposely ignore something like that, none of them.

[SoupDragon]

Mess visible from the outside of his clothes.

It is probable that it only got on the outside of his clothes when he shoved them in a bag when changing for football.

Not that this means no one should have noticed.

Would he be able to hand a card to a grown up that means "I need help with something" so that they take him aside and ask him what the matter is. Would this get round his inability to ask for help?

[Keeptrudging]

I taught a pupil with ASD who had no awareness that the bad smell causing pupils around him to move away was coming from his bottom. It took 3 years to teach him where it was coming from/other pupils didn't want to sit near him if he was windy/he should go to the toilet to do that. He was a 'hold on to it for days', so the smells could be extreme. He's now absolutely great, but it took years, and social stories, and patience/kindness from staff. The onus is on staff working with him to help him learn (and parents), but it takes time/consistency.

[BerniceB]

Sometimes they genuinely can't tell which child it was. My friend once spent an afternoon picking up poo marbles from the floor, but despite asking the children, and her and the TA sniffing round, they couldn't identify the culprit. No parent complained either so they still don't know. (This was in response to some concerns I had about toileting at school.)

That said, I've seen the card idea (above) used for children who don't speak English or have communication issues. They can have a card they can pass to the teacher for urgent help (or it can live on the teacher's desk and they can slide it over), and a small selection of laminated pictures on a key ring so they can point to what they need. You can also have different faces to illustrate how he feels.

[luchadragon]

Stormy my ds also has Autism and sounds very similar to yours. We have experienced exactly the same issues as you describe; especially in regards to saying when there is a problem.

I always used to say 'just tell the teacher' but he never would, until one day he turned round and said 'tell the teacher what?' It seems I wasn't being specific enough for him and he needed to be told exactly what to say. Even now if he has an issue that we haven't 'rehearsed' ('what would you do/say if you had forgotten your lunch?') he isn't able to transfer the skills to the new conversation/problem.

I would be really angry at this; it's humiliating and I would worry what other less obvious issues they were missing. I know teachers are busy (run off their feet actually) so I'm not saying it's all their fault but it's not your ds's either; something needs done to make sure it doesn't happen again.

maxxytoe - seriously? What an utter arse you are.

[DriverSurpriseMe]

Oh your poor DS.

Someone must have known. A boy asked to be moved away, because of the smell, and no one asked him why? A girl commented on the smell and was shushed?

People knew alright.

I feel for you OP. My DD has bowel issues and I could well imagine her not telling anyone if she had an accident. She doesn't start school for a year so I'm crossing my fingers she'll be OK.

[StormyLlewelyn]

Have had a meeting this morning and school are mortified that they missed it. They're reviewing what happened and looking at how their policy for these situations can be amended to minimise the chances of it happening again.

We've now got a care plan too. He no longer needs to ask for the toilet, he's going to have a card he can hand to the teacher to say where he's going and then he can go straight away without waiting for an answer. As he hates the feel of toilet roll he's also going to be allowed his toilet wipes from home. They're giving him a drawstring bag to keep on his peg in the cloakroom (toilets are in the cloakroom) so if he needs to poo he simply grabs his bag on the way and then hangs it back up afterwards. They're going to check in with him a few times a day too and ask "are you okay?". School nurse is going to do some intervention work with him on seeking help and they're going to look at stories around this.

Feeling more positive now that I can work with the school to support him. Thanks everyone for your answers

[StormyLlewelyn]

Fab idea about an "I need help" card, going to make him one to keep with his toilet card.

[SoupDragon]

Great response from the school :) I hope it all works out!

[DriverSurpriseMe]

That all sounds really positive.

[purplepandas]

That is fab. I am yet to talk to my DD's teacher as I can't do so until tomorrow. Fingers crossed they are positive too!

[chairmeoh]

The response from the school sounds marvellous. I hope it reassures your DS.

[Owllady]

Great response from school :)

[Paperthin]

Just read the whole post as missed it when you posted, the response from school sounds so positive. Well done OP and I am so glad you have had such a good response from them to help you and work with your dS. I hope he is ok today going back in and copes with his new arrangements.

[helenahandbag]

I missed this thread but just saw the update, that sounds like a great plan. Hopefully your DS feels more comfortable now.

[Alfieisnoisy]

Am so glad that things are more positive. I think most schools do try the best they can to support children with extra needs. They do get it wrong sometimes though.

Someone asked about ASD and continence further back. Bowel issues can be a huge problem where there is autism. Thankfully I am out the other side of all this now but remember it well.

The "toilet card" is a fabulous idea.
My son used to get distressed in class at times and had a "time out" card which he could show the teacher. He would then go to a quiet area for five minutes until he was calmer.

Hope your DS feels happier about things now OP.

[Keeptrudging]

Super, sounds like school are really thinking about ways of helping him with this. You could also try a social story? I used to take photos of each step of a sequence around the school (sometimes with the pupil in them) to help them 'get' a routine e.g. getting ready for home/going for school dinners.

[Mermaidhair]

I'm glad things are sounding positive with his school. However it happened it must be upsetting for you both.

[catfordbetty]

Has this thread turned into a good news story about schools and teachers? A rare thing on Mumsnet!

[Twindroops]

Ah that's a great response from the school, lovely to hear.

[PingpongDingDong]

Glad you got on ok at the school. I agree with your AIBU though. I teach that age group and younger and it would be very unusual to miss something like that for a whole afternoon. Not impossible but highly unusual.

[lavendersun]

Great result OP, sounds like a lovely school and a fab response.

DD never had to ask for the loo - she just left the classroom, no card, nothing, she just went as she needed to.

[amarmai]

love how some teachers are are doing the 3LM dance + laying blame on this child. if you cannot do the job, get another one. Children come first.