Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

New partner putting DD first?

63 replies

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 15:43

I wasn't sure whether to post in AIBU, but it involves step children so I though I'd start here.

I'm relatively recently separated from my DH and I have three children. I recently met an old childhood sweetheart on FB and we have been chatting intensely for about 3 months and our relationship has developed quickly, but he lives a long way from me.

He was planning to move back down nearer me as he has a DD living here too with his ex. The relationship was not a happy breakup and he had to fight for access, but she still doesn't stick to the rules and plays games etc. He's just building his relationship again with his DD after many years of not seeing her. This is part of my attraction to him as I know he's a good dad. He has recently talked about me meeting her and us possibly getting married in the future, so I know he's serious about me and I'm thrilled as I feel we are in love.

My relationship with my DH broke down over many years so I feel I am ready to move on. Whilst all this has been going on my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I've been spending a lot of time caring for her over the past few months. My new 'partner' has been very supportive through this time and said he would visit me when the time came and I needed him.

So my mum is currently very ill, and my new 'partner' came to visit at the weekend and we spent a long time chatting and getting to know each other again. I definitely knew from that, that I want to be with him. We spent a day together, then he went to stay with his mum to visit his daughter. We loosely arranged to meet up again during the next few days. He's now spent three days with his daughter and barely said hello to me. I tried to contact him to meet the other day, but he was a bit shifty and agreed to meet for a walk, but when we met he was very quiet and distant and said his daughter was having a difficult time with him living away. I listened to everything he had to say, then he said he needed to collect her from school.

I feel a bit abandoned, as he primarily said he was coming to stay and be with me and help me get through the hard time I'm having with losing my mum, and yet I now feel he really just wants to spend time with his daughter. I also helped fund his trip down as he's between jobs because he'll be moving near hear soon. Today he didn't ask to see me at all, so I confronted him and asked if it was what he really wanted, and that I felt a bit like he wasn't supporting me as he'd said he would. He reacted defensively saying was I asking him not to spend time with his daughter. I said that didn't feel like that at all, I just wanted him to make time for me too. He said he would, but I just think actions speak louder than words.

Am I being over sensitive about the whole situation? Before all of this he was very loving and supportive and I feel like I've damaged the relationship but forcing an ultimatum. But! I don't want to be a fool and get involved with him if he's not committed to me. Is this a red flag?

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 15/09/2015 15:49

if he's moving back then what's the rush. There will be plenty time to date. Do not give him money though. He probably did come down with every intention in spending more time with you but has found out his daughter is having a hard time and he has put her first which is the right thing to do

usual · 15/09/2015 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 15/09/2015 15:51

Yes it is a red flag. But I'd say he's the one who should be seeing it.

TenForward82 · 15/09/2015 15:51

You "chatted on FB" for 3 months, met once, and suddenly you expect him to put you over his DD?

I know you're going through a tough time with your mum, but you sound quite needy and maybe he's scared off by that.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 15/09/2015 15:51

His DD will always come before you. When you get together with someone who has DCs you will never be their top priority all the time. It sucks, but it's a fact.

TBH from the time line of your post it sounds like you and he have both rushed into declaring undying love before really spending any much time together.

I think if you want this relationship to have any chance of succeeding you both need to back off from the talk of marriage and living together, just arrange some dates to spend time together and if he continues to blow hot and cold then you have to accept that he's not that into you. If he really is as keen as he should be, he will make time for you.

If he does want to spend time with you (and you are convinced it's not just about having a handy place to stay and someone to fund his travel), you will still have to accept that sometimes you will be relegated to second place when his DD wants/needs him to be there instead. It's frustrating but at our age there aren't many of us who come without baggage and if we want them to accept ours, we have to be aware that they have their own.

I'm not being mean by referring to the DCs as baggage - we all love them to bits, but they do impact our ability to conduct adult relationships as we would have done before.

Sirzy · 15/09/2015 15:51

How can someone wanting to spend time with their child be bad?

Stillunexpected · 15/09/2015 15:53

I'm sorry but you barely know this man. You may have been childhood sweethearts but many years, marriages, careers and children have intervened since then. You have only been "seeing" each other for three months, most of which it sounds like has been online, rather than face-to-face. It is completely understandable that he wants to put his daughter first. I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all. However, other things in what you have said would concern me more about this new relationship. You have recently split up from your husband, you are caring for a terminally ill mother, he is between jobs, planning on moving home, not financially in a strong position - it doesn't sound like the greatest time for either of you to be pursuing a relationship? I think you both need to focus on priorities and take things slowly with this relationship - and when you talked about meeting his daughter, I hope that is some time in the future. It's way too soon at the moment.

NullaBore · 15/09/2015 15:53

Why have you put the exact post in SP and AIBU?

BarbarianMum · 15/09/2015 15:54

I am struggling to find a way of replying to you that doesn't sound harsh but really? How about getting to know him (the real him, not the dream version) slowly, over time and without subbing him? Then decide whether it is "meant to be" and whether you are ready to deal with the realities of this sort of complicated blended family arrangement.

Forget marriage and happily ever after and all that rescue stuff. See if he makes a decent boyfriend, then if you think a long term commitment suits you both. It is far too early to expect or need this level of emotional commitment from a virtual stranger - find support amongst friends and family.

I am very sorry about your mum btw - my dad's very sick in hospital too and I know how it turns your world upside down but remember it makes you very vulnerable too

usual · 15/09/2015 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ollieplimsoles · 15/09/2015 15:55

Wow, chatting for three months, thinking about getting serious but worried he's spending too much time with his actual daughter...three months.

Op, take this >hands op a hard hat

LargeGoldAtrociousCunt · 15/09/2015 15:55

It sounds like you are rushing things a bit too much. You have only been chatting for 3 months/12 weeks/84 days.

Please slow down And do not give him anymore money

SladeGreen · 15/09/2015 15:56

Give him a break. Its only right that he wants to spend as much time with his daughter as he can. I would be concerned if he didn't prioritise her, to be honest.

You have only been chatting to him for 3 months. Slow down, and be patient.

NerrSnerr · 15/09/2015 15:57

I replied on the other thread. Of course he needs to put his daughter first. You need to slow down and get to know him (in person) properly.

Osolea · 15/09/2015 16:10

Sorry, but it does sound like you barely know him and that youve built this up in your head into something that it isn't.

The beginnings of a new relationship can be very exciting and very intense, but there's just no need for you to rush so much. He's doing the right thing by spending as much time with his dd as he can, but it's not right that he's taken money from you at this stage in your relationship, whether you gave it freely or not.

Hang back a bit and let him come to you. He knows where you are.

I hope you're ok, I know it can't be easy reading these responses.

DisappointedOne · 15/09/2015 16:12

How can you possibly refer to this man as a partner?!

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 16:18

You're all right, I needed the wake up call, I've lost all perspective with my mum being ill and caring for her. I only mentioned him as a partner as I didn't know what to call him :)

OP posts:

Spartans · 15/09/2015 16:18

So how recently did you and ex split?

Honestly, after recently splitting from you husband and only talking to someone for 3 months Yabu. Entirely. His ds should be his only priority.

Tbh talk of marriage when you haven't spent any actual time together is ridiculous. Especially when you both have children to consider. I am sorry you are having a difficult time, but Yabu.

MsTargaryen · 15/09/2015 16:18

Three months is nothing. You still don't know him very well, as his unusual (to you) behaviour suggests.

Plus, if I've understood, this is the first time you've met up since you started chatting. In person is very different to online and it might have turned out that he doesn't like you the way he thought.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 15/09/2015 16:19

blimey OP you sound very intense, you've probably scared him off.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2015 17:03

Slow down, give him space. You don't really know him properly, 3 months only is nothing. Of course he will prioritise his dd over you, are there any friends or relatives who could support you through this hard time. Step back, breath and raid it but by bit.

Spotifymuse · 15/09/2015 17:11

Exactly how long have you been separated from your husband?
How did you break up with this guy before, after how long and how old were you?
How old is his daughter?
How much money have you already given him?
And why is he 'between jobs' when he has absolutely no definite plans to move?
And do you REALLY think that a new relationship should be this much hard work this soon?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/09/2015 17:16

I was all set to agree with everyone else but this... I also helped fund his trip down as he's between jobs because he'll be moving near hear soon. jumped out at me. Why on earth fund his travel? Sounds all kinds of dodgy. He could be using you, you are making yourself way too available, he is relying on you to get to see his DD.

Stop giving him money and see if you ever see him again.

yorkshapudding · 15/09/2015 17:29

Firstly, sorry about your Mum

As pp have already said, his DD will always come first and this is absolutely how it should be. Imagine the uproar on AIBU if someone posted saying their DD's Dad, who lives out of town, came to visit and spent most of his time with a woman he has recently been chatting to online instead of reconnecting with his DD. Men who are feckless and irresponsible when it comes to their DC's are also usually feckless and irresponsible when it comes to romantic relationships too so his commitment to his DD is definitely a good thing.

I completely understand why you would be longing for a partner to support you through your Mum's illness but I think you need to accept that, after just 3 months of online contact and one meet up in person, he's unlikely to be able to fulfill that role. It sounds as though you're trying to jump from the 'getting to know each other' early phase of the relationship straight to a LTR. If he's the right man for you then that will happen in time but if you rush things it will put a huge amount of pressure on the relationship.

TobleroneBoo · 15/09/2015 17:32

Sorry you are having a tough time, but how would you feel if your ExH started putting some new woman before your kids? It's a good thing that his child I his priority

Flip

1 2 3