New partner putting DD first?

[Lottiegal]

I wasn't sure whether to post in AIBU, but it involves step children so I though I'd start here.

I'm relatively recently separated from my DH and I have three children. I recently met an old childhood sweetheart on FB and we have been chatting intensely for about 3 months and our relationship has developed quickly, but he lives a long way from me.

He was planning to move back down nearer me as he has a DD living here too with his ex. The relationship was not a happy breakup and he had to fight for access, but she still doesn't stick to the rules and plays games etc. He's just building his relationship again with his DD after many years of not seeing her. This is part of my attraction to him as I know he's a good dad. He has recently talked about me meeting her and us possibly getting married in the future, so I know he's serious about me and I'm thrilled as I feel we are in love.

My relationship with my DH broke down over many years so I feel I am ready to move on. Whilst all this has been going on my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I've been spending a lot of time caring for her over the past few months. My new 'partner' has been very supportive through this time and said he would visit me when the time came and I needed him.

So my mum is currently very ill, and my new 'partner' came to visit at the weekend and we spent a long time chatting and getting to know each other again. I definitely knew from that, that I want to be with him. We spent a day together, then he went to stay with his mum to visit his daughter. We loosely arranged to meet up again during the next few days. He's now spent three days with his daughter and barely said hello to me. I tried to contact him to meet the other day, but he was a bit shifty and agreed to meet for a walk, but when we met he was very quiet and distant and said his daughter was having a difficult time with him living away. I listened to everything he had to say, then he said he needed to collect her from school.

I feel a bit abandoned, as he primarily said he was coming to stay and be with me and help me get through the hard time I'm having with losing my mum, and yet I now feel he really just wants to spend time with his daughter. I also helped fund his trip down as he's between jobs because he'll be moving near hear soon. Today he didn't ask to see me at all, so I confronted him and asked if it was what he really wanted, and that I felt a bit like he wasn't supporting me as he'd said he would. He reacted defensively saying was I asking him not to spend time with his daughter. I said that didn't feel like that at all, I just wanted him to make time for me too. He said he would, but I just think actions speak louder than words.

Am I being over sensitive about the whole situation? Before all of this he was very loving and supportive and I feel like I've damaged the relationship but forcing an ultimatum. But! I don't want to be a fool and get involved with him if he's not committed to me. Is this a red flag?

Oh dear. His life sounds pretty chaotic, take a huge step back.

After you've divorced, you'll be free to have a relationship with another man. Until then, you're best advised to concentrate your energies on your dm and, if you have them, on your own dc.

Hmm.
I may be wrong, but I suspect his DD isn't too happy at the idea of him moving down to be with you, rather than her.

It's good that he wants to move back to be near his DD, and good that you're in the same place as her - but from her perspective (depending on her age), she might be thinking "oh you wouldn't come back just for me, but now you've got a girlfriend, you'll come back for her? Ok then"

If the DD isn't too happy about you, then I expect that is colouring his feelings towards you as well. If he is the good dad you believe him to be, then his DD's feelings are going to matter to him; and you may be the loser for it.

Also, if she thought he was moving back, she might have thought "yay, I can maybe live with Dad and get away from mum and her fuckwit violent partner" (again - age-dependent) - only to find out that's not likely.

Either that, or his mum might be sticking her oar in as well - lots of potential for interference here!

Or, maybe he's just thought "Whoa! We're going a bit too fast here" and back-pedalled a bit.

I'd try and distance yourself for a bit, leave him to it, see what happens.

If it were me, and even my husband of 5 years tried to limit my time with my older DC from my first marriage, I would be shocked and seriously re-evaluate the marriage. I doubt we would stay together if it continued.

His DD comes first, always, which is the way it should be. Sorry, but if I was this guy, I would run.

So sorry about your Mum, OP.

And it must be a hard and lonely moment.

But sadly it was very unrealistic to think that 3 months dreaming on FB would crystallise into him being able to mix up a first meeting with you, a first meeting in years with his Dd and for it to be perfect for you .

He talked of introducing you to his Dd before he was even reconciled with her? Before he had 're-met' you ?

This is a very hard moment for you to come back down to earth with a bump . Spend time with your Mum, this is important time for you and her, and not a moment for making other big decisions .

If this man is serious he will persist with mending his relationship with his DD, and he will be in contact , slow but steady.

Take care of yourself.

My dd1 calls this Fanny Fever. It's when you lose all sense and perspective in persuit of a relationship.
What do you know of this man as he is now? You know he hasn't had contact with his dd for a few years,he's probably not paid maintenance or near enough maintenance if he is between jobs. You know he told you his child is in an abusive household and he has not contacted social services or applied for custody. You know he is willing to take money from someone with children. That's what you know about this man,anything else is just what he said.

So sorry to hear about your mum.

It is right that he's putting his daughter first. However, what kind of parent moves away from their dc's? Even if there has been drama with the other parent I don't know any good parents who would move away from their kids by choice. I don't think he's a good dad.

How much money did you give him? How long have you been split up from you husband? 3 months is no time. I think now should be the time to heal from your break up and focus on your mum and kids. Hope you're ok

Fancy fever?? I like that. It's does happen. What does she call it when men do it? I need to start using these .

Op people do deserve second chances. But you have been spelling to him on the internet for 3 months. You don't know him. You don't know if his story is true. You don't know if he has changed.

His life, as pp said is chaotic, your children have had a lot of changes recently. You really need to consider whether this is the right time to attach yourself to this man (given his situation) for your children.

I am not saying you have to end it and never speak to him again. Take a step back and take it slowly. Let it become a natural progression, don't give him any money and give him space to sort his relationship with his daughter out.

Honestly just find someone without DCs to get involved with.

You met him and came away more sure of the relationship. Isn't it likely that he spent real time with you and came away with doubts about the seriousness of his feelings for you.

The daughter bit might be a red herring and just an excuse to cool things with you. Or he really may be putting his dd first, which is how it should be.

I'd back off, put less pressure on him and see how it goes.

Sorry, I have to agree that it's a red flag for the guy, potentially you too, but you seem to be seriously intense here!

Is this the first time you have met since chatting for 3 months?

seriously, you've talked online for a bit. Met once. Whether that was the case or not his daughter would/should come first.

Maybe try a bit of normal dating? Perhaps with someone who hasn't been scared off?

You funded his trip down yet he spends time with his DD and shuts you out?

Yes his DD must come 1st but I am very wary of men who hold their child up as the reason they can have 1 foot in & 1 foot out of a relationship. I wouldn't buy that story. After all a child isnt awake for 24 hours whats preventing a quick meet up, if that? Whats he doing, sitting round the house with her or taking her out?

If a man is so dedicated to his child that he can't speak to you then he isn't going to make space for you. I bet he will if he needs something from you tho.

These stories are always a blueprint..man has oh so terrible ex (of course he gives you all the back detail then you conveniently forget there are 2 sides to every story/he is making excuses for not seeing his DC as often as he should) ...then as soon as he gets near ex & child the new partner doesn't even feature...Im not saying every relationship of the kind you have is like that but when it is like that then the blueprint kicks in..you are rendered invisible.

You don't know this man and he sounds shady to me, not to mention a drama-llama. Leave him alone unless you want his tales of woe re. ex and DD (+ willingness to accept money from you then ignore you) to create a huge headache. In your shoes I wouldnt even be thinking of dating him much less introducing him to my DCs, thats for sure.