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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New partner putting DD first?

63 replies

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 15:43

I wasn't sure whether to post in AIBU, but it involves step children so I though I'd start here.

I'm relatively recently separated from my DH and I have three children. I recently met an old childhood sweetheart on FB and we have been chatting intensely for about 3 months and our relationship has developed quickly, but he lives a long way from me.

He was planning to move back down nearer me as he has a DD living here too with his ex. The relationship was not a happy breakup and he had to fight for access, but she still doesn't stick to the rules and plays games etc. He's just building his relationship again with his DD after many years of not seeing her. This is part of my attraction to him as I know he's a good dad. He has recently talked about me meeting her and us possibly getting married in the future, so I know he's serious about me and I'm thrilled as I feel we are in love.

My relationship with my DH broke down over many years so I feel I am ready to move on. Whilst all this has been going on my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so I've been spending a lot of time caring for her over the past few months. My new 'partner' has been very supportive through this time and said he would visit me when the time came and I needed him.

So my mum is currently very ill, and my new 'partner' came to visit at the weekend and we spent a long time chatting and getting to know each other again. I definitely knew from that, that I want to be with him. We spent a day together, then he went to stay with his mum to visit his daughter. We loosely arranged to meet up again during the next few days. He's now spent three days with his daughter and barely said hello to me. I tried to contact him to meet the other day, but he was a bit shifty and agreed to meet for a walk, but when we met he was very quiet and distant and said his daughter was having a difficult time with him living away. I listened to everything he had to say, then he said he needed to collect her from school.

I feel a bit abandoned, as he primarily said he was coming to stay and be with me and help me get through the hard time I'm having with losing my mum, and yet I now feel he really just wants to spend time with his daughter. I also helped fund his trip down as he's between jobs because he'll be moving near hear soon. Today he didn't ask to see me at all, so I confronted him and asked if it was what he really wanted, and that I felt a bit like he wasn't supporting me as he'd said he would. He reacted defensively saying was I asking him not to spend time with his daughter. I said that didn't feel like that at all, I just wanted him to make time for me too. He said he would, but I just think actions speak louder than words.

Am I being over sensitive about the whole situation? Before all of this he was very loving and supportive and I feel like I've damaged the relationship but forcing an ultimatum. But! I don't want to be a fool and get involved with him if he's not committed to me. Is this a red flag?

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 15/09/2015 17:33

I think his daughter is a red herring tbh.

You've paid for him to come down and support you, and he hasn't kept up his end of the "bargain"- not that you are entitled to buy his time anyway.

Slow down. Stop bankrolling him. It's undignified for both of you. Back off a bit and see if he meets you in the middle.

MiniCooperLover · 15/09/2015 17:49

I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your Mum but you need to calm down, and don't start considering his daughter to be your step-child just yet ...

araiba · 15/09/2015 18:59

if you are the guy and are reading this- run for the hills

abbieanders · 15/09/2015 19:16

Also, this chap is already getting money off you, don't be too keen to buy into his tale of woe with his ex. These lads who are hard done by victims who need money are ones to watch.

Squeegle · 15/09/2015 19:23

Yep
Agree with the others, if this is meant to be it will develop.
Don't subsidise him; you're not in that zone yet. Don't expect too much from him. In my opinion his overkeenness and then being busy with his daughter spells someone who can be flighty (not really the daughter bit-more the superkeen to elusive bit).
If it happens then there is no rush- just don't over invest at this stage.

JuJuMun69 · 15/09/2015 19:30

You don't know this man! Its was online contact.

Stop listening to his bullshit. I'd be wondering why on earth there was a rift in the first place. I'd also not have given him the money, what on earth are you thinking!

ItchyArmpit · 15/09/2015 19:34

I'm sorry to say this but I think it's all moved way too fast.

As PP have said, do not give him any more money. Talking about marriage doesn't mean he's serious (especially within three months!), it's more likely to mean that that is what he thinks you want to hear.

With your mother's illness, relatively recent separation from and historically unhappy marriage with your XH, three children to care for, well, anyone would feel lonely. It's no wonder at all that the thought of a kind and reliable man would be beguiling. But from what you have posted, this man is not particularly kind or reliable.

The very last thing you need right now is to be let down and/or used by this man. Maybe this is an unfair assessment of the man, maybe he really will be the one for you, but tbh I think you should be very, very wary of becoming dependant on him emotionally until quite some time after your life has become easier to cope with day-to-day and you are less vulnerable.

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 19:46

How much money have you given this man?

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 19:47

Oh and if he's spent several years not seeing his daughter. he's not a good dad. He can't be. He would've got himself together and taken it to court well before several years were up, I don't care how stroppy his ex was.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/09/2015 19:51

Wow.

You need to stop. Just stop.

BackInTheRealWorld · 15/09/2015 19:53

Don't give him any more money ffs.
If he is genuine time will tell...however most genuine guys wouldn't be taking money off you this early in. They would however prioritise their daughters...

GriefLeavesItsMark · 15/09/2015 19:59

Yes, if he is the good dad you imagine him to be why hasn't he seen his daughter for many years? You have only his word for the ex being difficult. Also 'between jobs but cause he is going to move down here' Sorry, can't see the connection. And even if that was true (and it isn't) what steps has he taken to move/find a job?

Yes, of course he should put his daughter first , especially before a Facebook hook up. I don't think anyone would think otherwise. Although do you know if he is actually seeing his daughter. Anyway, whatever the truth, don't give him anymore money.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 15/09/2015 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 20:08

When you say he's between jobs, do you mean he deliberately gave up his job in the belief he'd be moving, or that he didn't bother getting a new job because he thought he'd be moving?

Thisismyfirsttime · 15/09/2015 20:30

When you say he's going to introduce you to his dd I'm wondering if you've introduced him to your DC's or are intending to in the very near future? If so I think this is all moving far too quickly, a good dad doesn't go for years without seeing a DC, if the ex is difficult why didn't he move closer/ take her to court before now? This all sounds very convenient for him and I would be wary OP, you sound like you're in a very vulnerable place right now between you're mum's illness and your own separation. Be very careful here

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 21:42

The situation with his daughter...as far as I know he has fought in court and reached settlement to have access once a fortnight. This was given for a couple of years when his daughter was a toddler but then the mother started making things difficult like saying 'if your not here by such time then we are going out' and then if he was five minutes late she wouldn't let him take her. He tried to go back through court but the mother pressed charges for harassment which were dropped and she was charged for wasting police time. He then had a bit of an emotional breakdown and moved away to get himself back on track. That was 3/4 years ago. He has had access during the holidays. His ex now says his daughter wants him nearer so she's being more flexible out of fear of losing her daughter. She also is in an abusive relationship with a guy who is frequently arrested for disturbing the peace and sounds pretty controlling. From what I gather the poor daughter is trapped in all this and wants to live with his mum (her granny)

OP posts:

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 15/09/2015 21:45

Sorry you're having a hard time.

However, you said part of why you like him Is him being a good dad. Well a good parent puts their kids first and that's what he's done.

Three months is nothing, especially since its sll been long distance. It's easy to only see the good side of someone when they're far away, you can't thinkof a future until you know their bad side too.

Yabu. Don't fund his trip next time, but don't ever expect him to ignore his dd for you.

ohmyeyebettymartin · 15/09/2015 21:54

Sorry OP but as others have said he doesn't sound like much of a catch.

Agree 100% that one's children always have to come first. Sad to say that it doesn't sound - from the little you've shared - that he has always put his DD first. At least he seems to be getting his priorities right now. But honestly, I think your very stressful situation is skewing your judgement right now. Look after yourself. You are doing your best for your DM right now and that takes a lot out of you

ohmyeyebettymartin · 15/09/2015 21:55

Right now right now right now

Original poster

Lottiegal · 15/09/2015 21:57

Well life's not always straightforward and I certainly come with a fair bit of baggage. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/09/2015 22:02

See this is the trouble with Facebook. You think you are in a relationship, but you are not. It's like me saying I'm in a relationship with AnyFucker because I like her posting style, or Buffythereasonablefeminist because, feminism.

I don't know these people.

You dong know this man.

Did you have sex with him when he came to see you?
Did he see you as a free ticket to come and see DD because the ex was making noise about it?
Or is he simply not that into you now he's met you face to face?

I'm so sorry - I know I'm being harsh. But there is nothing here, no matter how much you want there to be.

Cut your losses. Block him from Facebook and bide your time. The right person is out there for you, it just isn't him.

Squeegle · 15/09/2015 22:35

Yes, of course everyone deserves a second chance! We're just urging you to be careful until you know him better.

amarmai · 16/09/2015 00:13

him talking about marrying after 3 mths on fb and him taking money from you and him not seeing his dd for years=all red flags. You need to run for the hills op. Maybe google him and see what you can find out. There's a backstory here.

Mermaidhair · 16/09/2015 00:14

I have never understood how people can fall in love over the Internet. Or how you can think you are in a relationship with someone on a computer. You should not have given him money. You both need to turn around and run in the opposite direction from one another.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 16/09/2015 00:18

I'm really sorry about your mum but seriously - can you hear yourself?

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