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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am allergic to cats, WIBU not to visit in-laws who now have 6 of them?

59 replies

TheSconeOfStone · 14/09/2015 13:51

In-laws have always had cats. I can manage 1 or 2 with anti-histamines and inhaler. We had our own cat for a while but I got used to him.

In-laws have just taken in a stray who has had a litter of 3. So now they have 6 cats, only 1 of who will be allowed outside so all hair will be she in their 3 bedroom bungalow. Plus the litter tray situation.

They know I am allergic to cats. I am usually quite rough when we stay there with the just the two cats they had. My only A&E trip due to asthma was while staying at their house. I have suggested to DH he will have to take the kids and visit without me. DH is not happy with this plan.

OP posts:

trufflesnout · 14/09/2015 13:54

You're not unreasonable to avoid visiting and they are not being unreasonable by getting more cats. DH can butt out.

5madthings · 14/09/2015 13:56

Yanbu at all!

Every1KnowsJeffHesUsuallyACunt · 14/09/2015 13:57

I think it's a bit unreasonable of you.

I have an allergy to my mils constant wittering on and interfering, brings me out in itchy hives, but I still go round.

Mistigri · 14/09/2015 14:07

I don't think (as a cat allergic person) that 6 is much different to two.

OTOH visiting an ILs house when it makes you ill is beyond the call of duty and obviously YANBU.

shadowfax07 · 14/09/2015 14:10

YANBU, as a fellow cat allergy sufferer.

magoria · 14/09/2015 14:13

I would say your going was non negotiable.

No normal person would expect someone to risk a hospital stay for visiting them/their family.

Stick to your decision.

Theycallmemellowjello · 14/09/2015 14:17

Obviously you shouldn't make yourself ill, but equally it is a huge thing to never visit your ILs and I think that you should try to work out a solution before you decide this. Have you/DH explained to them about what can be done to combat the allergy? They might agree to do a big clean before you come and then keep the cats in one part of the house for the duration of the visit. You could even offer to pay for a cleaner to do a big clean before you come. Also I think that if you have had a cat yourself and visited while they have had two, you are going to need to be very gentle and clear in explaining if you decide you can't go - it could so easily look like an excuse.

BarbarianMum · 14/09/2015 14:18

YANBU at all - I hate all the 'drug yourself to the eyeballs and feel ill to be polite' crap when it comes to pet allergies. Tell your dh to go with the kids and next time in laws can come to you.

CrapBag · 14/09/2015 14:19

YANBU. My MIL used to keep guinea pigs in the house, which I am very allergic to. It always meant that our visits were cut shirt because of the inevitable itching, sneezing and asthma. Your DH can get lost tbh. It's horrible when you feel like that around animals and you can prevent it by not going.

CrapBag · 14/09/2015 14:21

" You could even offer to pay for a cleaner to do a big clean before you come"

FFS! Why should the OP do that! Sometimes I think its a parallel universe on here.

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2015 14:25

Theycallmemellowjello

All the cleaning in the world will only make a partial difference.

If it's possible to pop in (and if they have cleaned and hoovered and shut them away) then do so.

Long visit - not possible.

But it's the dander from the skin, not the fur, that's the problem.

toomuchtooold · 14/09/2015 14:25

jello if I had a DIL and she offered to pay to have my house cleaned before she visited, I'd be p'd off, cats or no cats.
I do think you're right about needing to address the fact that OP had a cat before though. If she's nearby they could go for a short visit and ILs could see how she is affected? I have cat allergy, I used to visit my friend who had three cats and I'd be wheezing and in tears by about 15 minutes in.

MythicalKings · 14/09/2015 14:28

YANBU.

Original poster

TheSconeOfStone · 14/09/2015 15:11

Thanks for all your replies. We're 5 hours away so popping in for coffee not an option. They keep the house very tidy and would be very offended if offered to get in a cleaner. Also, why should I? Already paying for fuel to get there. There visits to us are very rare these days due to cattery costs. i doubt if they will visit us at all now. They will also continue to complain about their money situation despite feeding 6 cats on expensive food and vets bills.

I've looked into B&Bs close by but they are in a rural area with some upmarket country house type places and not much else. I am happy to camp close by to them in the Summer. They have the DDs for a few days at a time with us staying for a few nights at beginning or end of the stay. Not sure how they would feel about having the girls and me staying up the road. I could always sleep on the drive in our VW. That wouldn't be weird would it?!

OP posts:

DoJo · 14/09/2015 15:14

How far away do you live? Is there potential for going there and back in a day and not having to stay, going out for lunch etc to minimise your exposure? I am in a similar position, but lucky enough that we live relatively close so can pop in and do 'little and often' especially at times when I can't take antihistamines. I don't think that paying for them to have their house cleaned is a particularly workable solution from either side, nor is going and risking illness - it's hardly going to be a pleasant visit for anyone if you are gradually getting more and more wheezy and itchy!

DoJo · 14/09/2015 15:16

Oops - crossed posts. I think sleeping on the drive sounds like an excellent plan! It's what I would do in your position as it would allow a reasonable amount of socialising but no condemn you to hours of feeling like shite while your there (not to mention that foggy, woozy feeling you get after having a reaction for a couple of days afterwards).

MajesticWhine · 14/09/2015 15:22

If I was the MIL I would find it a bit hard to believe that you could deal with your own cat but not mine.

Whatevva · 14/09/2015 15:22

My FIL was allergic to everything and used to sleep on the drive in a camper van, and we didn't even have cats.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/09/2015 15:25

I wouldn't dream of deliberately making myself ill in order to visit someone. I'd also hate to impose that on a visitor and would not expect them to spend time in my house.

I'd arrange to meet elsewhere. Could you camp / stay nearby and meet up with them out and about during the day?

lottiegarbanzo · 14/09/2015 15:28

The having had your own cat thing does need explaining to them, if you haven't been really clear already. DP is the same, used to live with a cat and gradually got used to it but reacts when exposed to one for a short time. The tolerance seems to take weeks to develop.

AdoraBell · 14/09/2015 15:31

DH is not happy with this plan

Give him something that will restrict his breathing just enough for him the think that he can't breath but not actually kill him. Make him use/take the allergen for however many days he wants to visit his parents. Then he can decide if YABU or not.

YANBU in the least.

Original poster

TheSconeOfStone · 14/09/2015 15:35

Our cat was given to us by the in-laws. I was reluctant but gave it a go as DH loves cats. Also it was a variety that was supposed to cause less of an allergy problem, in my case this seemed to be true. And it took several weeks for me to develop a tolerance to him. Also there is a huge difference between one cat that spends much of it's days outside to 6 cats, 5 of which are confined to the house.

OP posts:

HorseyCool · 14/09/2015 15:36

I would stay nearby, if fancy then a nice break? would your DC consider staying at their GP's whilst you and DH stay in hotel nearby, if you are like me then its the night time that is the worse.

If taking anti histamine start it a few days before, also use a nasal spray at least a day before and duration of visit, tell your inlaws these lengths that you are going to try to see them, only go for short bursts, if you get ill then leave the house. Ask for windows open etc

Konserve · 14/09/2015 15:39

yanbu
I can't visit a relative due to pet allergies. we meet up elsewhere.

Original poster

TheSconeOfStone · 14/09/2015 15:43

Of course if DH would raise the subject rather than leaving the conversation to me it would be helpful. He is reluctant to visit without me as he finds seeing them stressful and likes to share the pain with me have my support. I'm sure they want to see the grandchildren, and their only child of course. I wouldn't even be missed.

OP posts:

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