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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am allergic to cats, WIBU not to visit in-laws who now have 6 of them?

59 replies

TheSconeOfStone · 14/09/2015 13:51

In-laws have always had cats. I can manage 1 or 2 with anti-histamines and inhaler. We had our own cat for a while but I got used to him.

In-laws have just taken in a stray who has had a litter of 3. So now they have 6 cats, only 1 of who will be allowed outside so all hair will be she in their 3 bedroom bungalow. Plus the litter tray situation.

They know I am allergic to cats. I am usually quite rough when we stay there with the just the two cats they had. My only A&E trip due to asthma was while staying at their house. I have suggested to DH he will have to take the kids and visit without me. DH is not happy with this plan.

OP posts:
DoJo · 14/09/2015 15:44

If I was the MIL I would find it a bit hard to believe that you could deal with your own cat but not mine.

I'm sure even the most ardent car lover can see the difference between one cat that the OP lives with and has developed a tolerance to, and 6 cats, none of which she sees frequently and which presumably cause 6 times the fur/dander build up.

HermioneWeasley · 14/09/2015 15:45

You were hospitalised due to your allergies and your DH isn't happy about you not wanting to stay now there's three times as many cats? Are you shitting me?

PolishRemoverOfNail · 14/09/2015 15:46

Only in animal mad MN land are you unreasonable.

I completely understand where you're coming from as I grew up with cats but now have quite an allergy to them. My throat feels itchy, my eyes and nose stream and then my (usually very rare) asthma starts and I genuinely feel like I can't breathe. I tried antihistamines and an inhaler but I always feel rubbish so I don't do that anymore.

I just explain about the allergies and avoid friends with cats houses. I still see them but not in an environment that will cause me to be unwell.

Also it may be the same with you but certain breeds of cat can make me very ill, if they live in the house but aren't even in the room I still get the effects. Others are more tolerable - so maybe one cat you could be ok with but six? Nah, that's just not happening.

Your DH doesn't get a say - ta not his allergies that flare up, and you aren't preventing him or the children from visiting.

I'd compare it to a mild peanut allergy - would he try and feed you peanuts knowing you were allergic? Why should an animal allergy be any different?

Original poster
TheSconeOfStone · 14/09/2015 15:57

I think DH knows I can't stay with them but can't face the conversation with his parents. They're such hard work. He loves the area he is from but finds seeing his parents difficult at the best of times. They are flakey and unreliable and constantly moan about their lot, although life seems to have been pretty kind to them as far as I can see. They love the grandchildren though so we want to keep on good terms with them.

OP posts:
ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 14/09/2015 16:00

On some levels, I can see both sides. YANBU at all to not go into the house with 6 cats if that is not manageable due to severe allergic reaction risk. YABU to DH to say you'll never visit (for example you could stay at a B&B and go for a BBQ in their garden, leave the children with ILs overnight and have a night out with DH and a sleep in next morning - even if this is once a year it isn't 'never', and DH could do another visit or two on his own); things could be arranged with some planning, so not even trying to look at this as an option is U.

Although the stray has has 3 kittens, presumably they will be re-homed at some point? Could you not say you would only visit in the garden until then and see how it goes with 3 afterwards? If it is a no go, then go back to former arrangements.

My DH and DD are allergic to cats and MIL has 2. Fortunately it can be managed with anti-histamines currently so not as bad as you. To say they'd never be visited would break their hearts.

var123 · 14/09/2015 16:08

How about not "never". Just not until your cat allergy disappears, or your ILs don't have cats any more?

I've got a cat allergy too and I can think of nothing worse than spending a few hours inside a small house with 6 cats! Even dosed up to the eye balls with antihistamines, vaseline smeared on my lips, eyelids and nostrils and the promise that I can get some clean air in a couple of hours would not be enough to make me go visit 6 cats.

Tell Dh that his parents are very welcome to visit your home.

Original poster
TheSconeOfStone · 14/09/2015 16:10

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles They've fallen in love with the kittens so all 6 cats are staying. I'm happy to stay in a B&B but I've checked their area and it's all really expensive. Nearly £200 for a couple of nights and we usually stay at least 3 due to the distance. Summer should be fine as we can camp. Also I'm not sure if it would appear extremely rude to let the kids stay but not stay ourselves. I found two cats manageable but last time we stayed even with new mum and tiny kittens in another room I felt worse. I could give it a try but it won't be a fun visit.

I'm sure I'm overthinking this I get anxious about things. Worried about causing offense.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 14/09/2015 16:16

If it would "break their hearts" not t have you visit, they shouldn't choose to have pets that can hospitalise you. They don't give a shit about your health do why should you bother.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/09/2015 16:20

"I think DH knows I can't stay with them but can't face the conversation with his parents. They're such hard work. He loves the area he is from but finds seeing his parents difficult at the best of times."
Tough, a conversation is what he's going to have to do. Right now he's shifting his anxiety about talking to them onto you, so that you can feel anxious about being hospitalised. Not fair of him at all.

Original poster
TheSconeOfStone · 14/09/2015 16:28

Found a Premier Inn 9 miles away. I'll let the in-laws know that's what we're doing on our next visit.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 14/09/2015 16:33

Good resolution OP

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 14/09/2015 16:33

That's great OP.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/09/2015 16:36

I would not worry about causing offence, it actually wouldn't occur to me in this situation - and I am not ms insensitive. I'd regard not being able to spend time in their house as a fact.

If your DH forgets that fact I'd just remind him and tell him to incorporate it into his plans. If he tries to pull a guilt trip on you, just remind him of the bald fact. Is his memory really so bad? His organisational skills? He needs to get his act together and while you might feel sympathetic and supportive about his relationship with his parents, that does not extend to his trying to shift his discomfort and anxiety onto you - doing so is really very unkind.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/09/2015 16:37

Oh, excellent!

miaowroar · 14/09/2015 16:41

I actually gave up visiting my in-laws because I seemed to have a bad asthma attack every visit. The last time I had to go into A&E so then I just said no. They had to accept it - how can they expect you to accept being hospitalised just for the sake of their company.

It is just my mother-out-law now and I find I can manage a visit of between one and two hours. Before, with my ex, the visits were several hours as, because I was driving and he was always having too good a time drinking, he would never leave when I felt my lungs seizing up. Sad

eddielizzard · 14/09/2015 16:42

i am also allergic and there is no way i could cope with that. premier inn is the way to go. don't feel guilty, not worth a trip to a&e.

goawayalready · 14/09/2015 16:43

is your cat no longer with you as you refer to it in the past tense? if so any tolerance you built up will be gone now

five cats indoors all the time would make my skin itch too and im not even allergic (and i love cats)

m0therofdragons · 14/09/2015 17:04

My mil is highly allergic to cats, I love cats so we have one (did have two). She has high strength antihistamines. I think I am being reasonable as I compare it to my allergy - I'm very allergic to latex but I wouldn't expect someone to avoid having balloons at their dc party or avoid it myself. I just take antihistamines and inhalers.

var123 · 14/09/2015 17:14

Is your only problem sleeping in the house? Not sitting on the sofa too?

Blu · 14/09/2015 17:24

I wouldn't stay in a house with all those cats - I wouldn't be able to see or breathe after about an hour.

They have made it hard to visit you because of these cats an now you cannot visit them - I would stay in your Camper Van, I don't think that would be weird, and spend minimal time sitting on their sofas.

DS and I have been 'set off' when relatives from cat-owning homes have been sitting / lying on our sofas and DS's bed. The protein transfers from their clothes to our furniture Sad. So I would have all the kids clothes in a bin liner before you let them scramble all over the camper van too.

Hoppinggreen · 14/09/2015 17:35

My DD has a cat allergy and asthma, I wouldn't take her to stay at a house with 6 cats - and we have 2 of our own!!!

paulapompom · 14/09/2015 17:36

Well done op, good solution. On the subject of cat allergies, one of my twins has an allergy to smooth haired cats but is fine with big fluffy long hairs. It can happen, strange as it is.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2015 17:39

Glad you have a solution, OP. The trouble with having a pet allergy (yes, me too. Every fucking thing with fur. Yes, even someone's cute fucking hamster.) is that people who don't have allergies think that you are either attention-seeking, making it up or you are some sort of vile sociopath who doesn't understand the love they have for Fido/Tibble/Fluffy. There are some people I won't visit in their own homes because their animals set me off, and they are oK with that.

Though I did freak out a few people at a party once by asking if they had a dog, as I could feel my allergy kicking in - it turned out that a previous tenant (rented houseshare) had had a dog. They obviously hadn't hoovered since it left...

wasonthelist · 14/09/2015 18:54

YANBU 6 cats is unreasonable in almost all cases. 1 is too many actually

londonrach · 14/09/2015 19:01

Yanbu. Very selfish of them to have so many cats if someone in their immediate family is allergic. Can you meet ourside the house and stay in a bed and breakfast?

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