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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let DD join the after-school club that she wants?

15 replies

BathshebaDarkstone · 14/09/2015 12:45

DD wants to join the art club, DA wants me to pressure her into joining the choir, which she really doesn't want to do as she's very shy. AIBU?

OP posts:

TheHouseOnTheLane · 14/09/2015 13:16

Who is DA? YANBU by the way....if it's Dear Aunt what the heck has it to do with her anyway?

Leeds2 · 14/09/2015 13:21

Don't know who DA is, but let DD join the art club.

Original poster

BathshebaDarkstone · 14/09/2015 13:23

It is Dear Aunt, she would be paying for the club. DD really did want to join the choir last year but was too young (all after-school clubs start in year 3), now she says that she doesn't like the idea of performing in public, she's too shy. DA thinks that singing is something that she can take through life. She wants me to persuade her to do a term, then, if she doesn't like it, do something else next term.

OP posts:

catfordbetty · 14/09/2015 13:27

School is compulsory, after school club a choice. I think you should let your daughter choose. Art is something you could take through life too!

DoJo · 14/09/2015 13:30

Why not join the art club so that she can build her confidence doing an after-school club and mixing with people who are presumably not in her usual peer group and then see if she might want to join the choir. At her age, an interest in anything could turn out to be a life long passion or a flash in the pan, but forcing her to do something could be the start of a long-standing lack of desire to have anything to do with such an activity.

5Foot5 · 14/09/2015 13:32

So is the offer to pay conditional on her joining the choir?

If DA has said she would pay for her to join one club and then turns round and says "I would prefer it if you joined that one" then YANBU.

But if DA said "Oh lovely there is a choir, I will pay for her to join" and you say "Actually she doesn't want to be in the choir but would you pay for her to do art club instead" then I think YABU. In that situation if both you and DD want her to do art club then why can't you pay for her to do it?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 14/09/2015 13:36

Tell the Aunt privately that if she doesn't want to pay for art club that's fine but she won't be doing choir either as she does not want to.

TimeToMuskUp · 14/09/2015 13:36

I let my DCs choose their own activities. Both have ended up with the exact same hobbies but if they hadn't any interest I certainly wouldn't pressure them.

It might sound a little ungrateful but what business is it of DA's what activities your DD does?

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 14/09/2015 14:00

Let her choose art, but only if you can afford it if DA decides not to pay. Like pp said, it does depend how the original offer to pay was made. If you can't afford art then go with choir but only force her to go once. If she tries it and hates it, fair enough, don't force her to keep going.

Theycallmemellowjello · 14/09/2015 14:11

I agree that DD should choose BUT if she was previously keen on singing in the choir and has now developed shyness about the idea, it might actually be good for her to gently encourage her. After all, she might go on to enjoy singing, and nipping anxiety in the bud has to be a good thing. If she is not going to get over the shyness and the choir would be genuinely horrible obviously don't force her. But sometimes it's good to do something that's a bit scary and conversely it can be damaging to always not do things that seem scary.

Original poster

BathshebaDarkstone · 14/09/2015 22:22

5Foot5 DD originally wanted to join the choir and has only started to worry about the public performance aspect as the cut-off date for signing up looms. She adores singing and has a lovely voice, she also adores art and is very talented at that too.

I couldn't possibly pay as we're on working tax credits, she wouldn't be going to any clubs if it weren't for my aunt.

OP posts:

Stillunexpected · 14/09/2015 22:25

How much do these clubs cost? I can understand there being a charge for an after-school art club but surely the school choir should be run IN school time and be open to all pupils? Why is it being charged for?

sproketmx · 15/09/2015 03:02

You kinda have to let them do what they want. I was pressured into going to dancing but I wanted to ride horses quads and motocross. I used to take the 50p that was meant for dance and go buy fags and hang about down the track. I'd go home and pretend I went to dancing. If she doesn't want to do it she won't put herself into it 100%

Dragonsdaughter · 15/09/2015 03:46

After 6 hours a day in school its a bit shit to not be able to do the club you want.

Becles · 15/09/2015 06:57

There's a notable tendency for girls (especially as they become teenagers) to give up doing things they love because of self conciousness.

As your daughter does love singing I'd suggest a compromise with both DD and aunt. She joins the choir for a term giving it a good go but if it's not her cup of tea she takes art in the next term.

That way she's encouraged to try a new slant on something she enjoys outside her comfort zone and has a back up plan

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