Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think as a teetotal I shouldn't have to constantly explain myself

112 replies

FargoFGS · 13/09/2015 14:20

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I haven't drank for ages but I work in an environment that endorses 'Friday drinks' and my family are partial to the odd drink.

I always have a soft drink which I can pass off as an alcoholic drink but if someone else is buying a round when I ask for a non-alcoholic drink I'm always interrogated as if something is wrong with me. People will ask if I'm pregnant or on medication but the simple truth is just that I don't drink anymore.

Why have I suddenly turned into the gooseberry on every occasion. AIBU to think it perfectly acceptable to just say "I don't drink" and others leave it at that?

OP posts:

TravellingHopefully12 · 13/09/2015 15:28

Well done on getting dry OP - that is an incredible achievement and I'm so sad that it's being undermined in this way. You could just tell them straight and see how uncomfortable it makes them, but that might make you uncomfortable too. I once thought 'fuck it' and told someone who questioned why I was taking my exams in Sept instead of May and was I resitting, that it was due to bereavement - it shut her up, but it is difficult to tell people these things.

We do have a very alcohol orientated culture and I think a lot of people feel threatened by people who don't drink, as though by not drinking you are implicitly criticising them for doing so. Maybe this indicates they are uncomfortable about their own drinking and has nothing to do with you - but I'm not sure how you can distance yourself from their comments.

I love a drink (or three) but would never question why someone else wasn't drinking.

Fallstar · 13/09/2015 15:29

You shouldn't have to explain yourself, pretend you're drinking alcohol, give reasons or make excuses. 'No, thanks' or 'Coffee/coke/water, please' are perfectly okay responses.

I don't like drinking alcohol, which is why I don't drink it and I get fed up of people trying to persuade me to have a drink.

IonaNE · 13/09/2015 15:31

YANBU. I don't drink either - but I don't go to these evenings out at work either (I just consider them a massive waste of time: I can think of so many things I'd rather be doing), so I don't get it a lot. If I am really pressed, I'll say something along the lines of "I don't drink. Alcohol is an apolaric solvent, it blocks frontal lobe functions, essentially your personality. My life is not so bad that I'd need to suspend who I am to enjoy myself, so no, thank you."

GrannyGoggles · 13/09/2015 15:46

Some people are extraordinarily crass about this. Several close family members have serious issues with alcohol and have taken the decision not to drink at all. They have to put up with just one won't harm you, it's a special occasion stuff all the time.

My daughter, who drinks 'normally', was mortified at a wedding when a fellow guest who she had never met before declared to all and sundry "Oh! She must be pregnant," when she declined champagne. She was, but it was news that wasn't public, it was some one else's big day, and how would it have been if she'd just had a miscarriage, was desperately trying to conceive or any other of a myriad of possibilities.

I do drink, but if I'm not and I'm questioned I reply sweetly that I've just come out of rehab and that it's contraindicated.

Ememem84 · 13/09/2015 15:48

Yanbu. I am not recovering. But just felt that I was wasting my time (not to mention money) drinking. I got swept up in the Friday drinks culture in old jobs. And cringe at the thought of a) how much money I spent, and b) the things I got up to.

After one disasterous night out a couple of years ago I told myself I'd never get into that state again. And drink in moderation. I'll happily go out for the evening but know when to say no.

People have judged before. So I would never ask someone why they're not drinking. That's your business. Not theirs. It should just be accepted.

GrannyGoggles · 13/09/2015 15:49

And yes OP, well done, and as previous posters suggest some people are challenged and feel implicit criticism.

ijustwannadance · 13/09/2015 15:50

Strangely, I also get exactly the same response when I tell people I don't drink tea or coffee!

exWifebeginsat40 · 13/09/2015 15:56

I just don't go to pubs anymore. total number of drinking friends who are still my friends now I'm sober - 0.

I'm comfortable telling people about my alcoholism though - I think by the end everyone knew I had a problem.

congrats on your sobriety. I have nearly 18 months and the change in my life has been unbelievable.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 13/09/2015 15:58

some people are challenged and feel implicit criticism - or explicit criticism, if they heard IonaNE's reply!

GrannyGoggles · 13/09/2015 16:02

Rain

Writtenbyme · 13/09/2015 16:17

YANBU

I am also teetotal and I hate that I seem to make other people uncomfortable when I order a soft drink. People are incredibly rude and imply that there is something wrong with my choice and try to push alcohol on me.

I don't know what the answer is. I usually just say through gritted teeth a thank you for offering but I am happy with my choice.

Usernamegone · 13/09/2015 16:29

I only drink alcohol v occasionally. It pisses me off when someone asked if I would like a drink and then I reply yes, can you get me a (soft drink here). I normally get are your sure you wouldn't like something in it or are you sure x 100. I normally just reply, yes I'm thirsty and if they keep asking I get my purse out and go to the bar (before I die of thirst!)

I think it is very rude of someone to ask what YOU would like to drink and then THEY refuse to get it as its non-alcoholic!

I will have an alcoholic drink when I fancy not when someone else wants me too!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 13/09/2015 16:41

YANBU

DH and I are both non drinkers (maybe the odd glass every couple of years or so) for no other reason than we just don't drink.

It fascinates people (actually people look at you like you've just grown two heads). From filling in medical forms for work, to family do's and girls nights out, it gets questioned every single bloody time.

I do admit though, once they realise it means I can be the taxi they stop making fun

HemanOrSheRa · 13/09/2015 16:44

I haven't had any alcohol since doing Dry January. I was a very heavy drinker before that. Alcoholic? Possibly. Problem drinker? Most definitely. I can absolutely say the only people I have encountered who have a problem with me not drinking are those who feel uncomfortable about their own relationship with alcohol.

I'm going to a wedding next weekend and I've been told by the bridezilla that I have to have a drink. I'm being silly if I don't. Well, I bloody well am not going to and if that bothers her or anyone else, so be it.

longwayfromuk · 13/09/2015 16:59

Were people not treated to the same kind of pressure about smoking cigarettes in the past? I grew up in a time when if you didn't smoke you were weird and it was really pushed that you should have one....so what overcame that pressure?

Society has come down hard on that particular habit - so it is almost taboo these days to say you want a fag - but drinking is still considered 'normal behaviour'.

My biggest issue is that I am a heavy drinker - so going out and being in social settings these days means I have to watch that I don't drink too much in company for fear of being 'labelled' a piss head........basically, you just can't win!!!

JessieMcJessie · 13/09/2015 17:30

People hear "I don't drink" as "I don't drink and I don't think you should either". They then try to push drink on you to validate their own choices.

I am sure it is mostly in their heads, although a few people on here do sound a bit smug about not drinking so I can see where the defensiveness may come from. I sympathise with your position OP. In general Briyish people are far too ready to pass stupid comment without engaging their brains.

Gatehouse77 · 13/09/2015 17:32

I've been teetotal since about 17 (yes, I know I was an early starter!). I was mostly bemused by how much more pressure people would try to exert on me to drink, rather than try drugs !

If people ask, I just say I don't like it which is true.

Once I'd got past the getting drunk phase i realised that I didn't actually like the taste of alcohol. Also, I got my driving licence and am a firm believer in a zero limit. It has meant years of being the designated driver but I don't mind.

Geraniumred · 13/09/2015 17:33

I have never drunk much as I just don't like how it makes me feel. I really wish there were better alternatives to alcohol when out and about - there is a real market gap in soft drinks for adults. I don't go to work things as they would only be tolerable with alcohol.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 13/09/2015 17:35

YANBU I don't drink either, because I don't want to and don't see the point in getting bladdered either. People seem to think it's appropriate to try and convince those who don't drink that they should, keep trying and trying and decide you are boring if you don't get rat faced!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 13/09/2015 17:37

ijustwannadance likewise People often seem horrified that I don't drink coffee! According to some you clearly aren't mature if you don't drink coffee They look at you like you have two heads!!!

Whyamihere · 13/09/2015 17:47

I don't drink now, partly because I'm not keen on the taste and partly because I hate the feeling of not being in control, the worst people for me were my inlaws who seemed to think I came from another planet (although in later years we found out FIL was an alcoholic), for years all of them kept trying to push me to have a drink.

It makes me laugh when people tell me that I won't be able to enjoy myself on a night out if I don't drink, I think it's a bit sad if they can only enjoy themselves after a drink. Looking at today's drinking habits I do worry about my DC's friends trying to push them into drinking, although DD is firmly against drinking at the grand old age of 11.

Ememem84 · 13/09/2015 18:11

why my in laws do this. its almost frowned upon if i only decide to have one glass of wine with my lunch. I'm classes as: boring, rude, trying to be better than them etc. but the funniest was when DH was asked why he married someone who "just can't drink..." dh's aunty "asking" me : 'but you just can't drink can ya love...?" apparently being able to "drink" is something to be proud of. And by "drink" i mean filling oneself up to the eyeballs with vodka/gin/wine.

I'll happily have one or two glasses of wine and be social. i don't want to get wasted every time the family are together.

there is a culture in the family of not enjoying yourself unless you've had a drink. i find it very strange..

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 13/09/2015 18:21

Yanbu I was trying to have a sober September fed up being ill and wasting a day the day after drinking. Was at a engagement party Friday and my sister went on so much about it I ended up giving in and drinking just to get her to shut up.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 13/09/2015 18:22

Don't know how I managed to bold that.

PermetsTu · 13/09/2015 18:30

I've never had alcohol. Never tried it, never will. People are better now I'm older as a lot of my peers are now seeing that they can't tolerate the hangovers or are more likely to be driving/have the dc to think of and so I'm not the only one not drinking. It's not seen as some terrible aberration to not want an alcoholic drink. However, I've had years of people trying to cajole me into drinking, buying me alcohol anyway and on a couple of occasions, spiking my fucking drink.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread