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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to give up work for a while?

90 replies

NoonarAgain · 13/09/2015 10:52

I've always worked. My dds are 11 and 13 and I went back to work both times after maternity leave went they were born.

I'm a teacher - I do a 3 day week. I have a fantastic DH who has a stressful job with loads of evening meetings.

I know this sounds ridiculous, as my children are older , but I'm thinking of giving up work. I just feel a bit burned out. I'd love to spend a couple of years just being at home, being there for the dc and doing a bit of private tuition ( it'd break my heart to stop teaching altogether).

I had a totally surreal meeting with my (very unpredictable) head teacher last week. She flew off the handle over something totally irrational and it has really affected me for some reason. I think partly it's because it's a stressful time of year anyway. My dds started a new school this week, too. I just feel really tired of juggling my job, the needs of the dc, DH and even the bloody dog!!

I just want to focus on the home and family for a bit.

I am lucky, I know I have a good life. People would probably think I was really lazy to give up work with children at secondary school, wouldn't they?

So..AIBU?

OP posts:

goblinhat · 14/09/2015 08:35

rainpouringrainbows

I totally agree. Yes my OH works long hours and has a stressful job, but he is free from much of the domestic work, managing our money ferrying the kids to activities, organising birthdays and christmas, taking them to medical appointments, dealing with the school, making sure our children eat good wholesome home cooked food.

My OH is happy that his family life is so organised, and values my constant input into our childrens' lives.

Llareggub · 14/09/2015 08:40

Of course being "at home" not earning is all fine and dandy until your marriage ends and you have to support yourself....

Shit happens, best to be not just willing but able to work. It is hard to get back into the workplace after time out.

goblinhat · 14/09/2015 08:43

until your marriage ends and you have to support yourself....

Quite a gloomy view. Why bother doing everything as we will all die in the end.

bimandbam · 14/09/2015 08:51

My dcs are 11 and 21 months. I am lucky enough to have a dp who earns enough to keep us all. We do have our own business which I do the admin for which takes a few hours a week.

But other than that I have no intention of returning to work until I absolutely have to.

I worked when my dd was younger and found it incredibly frustrating that work and family life often conflict with each other. You never seem to be able to give 100% to either.

And I think if you don't need to work and don't want to work then you shouldn't. It's not the 1950's. It's not about working because society says you should. It's about having the confidence to say 'actually I won't work'. Women have the right to do this as do men.

And I can't wait until ds starts nursery so I get a bit of time to myself. And I certainly won't feel guilty about it either.

goblinhat · 14/09/2015 08:57

Well said bimandbam.

I can't believe some are suggesting that we should work in case our husband's leave us.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 14/09/2015 09:04

If your DH is on board (because it's the right thing for you, not just so he can duck out of all familial responsibilities which is good for no one), your pension provision is sorted and you are otherwise financially secure, then why not?

However, I think not working all day while your DC are in school, then working in the early evening when they are home is not the way to go.

Shutthatdoor · 14/09/2015 09:10

The "there's so much more to life than work" only ever gets quoted to women, a man suggesting the same would be vilified and called lazy

Have to say, I agree.

rollonthesummer · 14/09/2015 09:19

Women have the right to do this as do men.

Except I don't a single man who, when their children have turned teenagers, has decided to give up work completely.

Keeptrudging · 14/09/2015 09:31

I gave up teaching 6 months ago, I was an SEN teacher and was heading for burnout. It's a recognised part of the job (SEN) - statistically most quit/burnout within 5 years, I lasted 7. It's high stress/frequent injuries/emotionally draining. My husband very much wanted me to take a break as it was impacting on the whole family and he was concerned for my health.

Having a break has meant breathing space for the whole family. I do most of the household things, I've done lots of major decorating/diy/gardening things which wouldn't have been done otherwise. I'm now ready to go back to teaching (which I generally love) but I'm going to do short-term supply up to 5 days a week. If I need a break I'll take it, and we're already planning for me to not work (mostly) in summer term as we have a huge garden to maintain. Doing supply means I get to swerve the horrific paperwork/meetings/politics whilst keeping my hand in. At some point I'll want my own class again, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

goblinhat · 14/09/2015 09:39

I am happy to say I will never go back to regular work. Gives me more time to go to the gym when it's quiet.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 14/09/2015 09:44

rollon I do.

They tend to be men who have made a shit load of dosh in the city and want to get out. They absolutely don't spend their time doing housework/making meals/planning their DC's education etc. They mostly seem to be training for some sort of Iron Man or other!

Then there are the men who have taken 'early retirement' ie they've been given the elbow.

Keeptrudging · 14/09/2015 09:50

My husband loves his job, gets up early in the morning BUT finishes at 5, brings no work home, works I'm a great company and earns lots. The more I work the more tax we have to pay at top rate, there is a point at which financially it makes no sense for me to work full time as it doesn't increase our disposable income. I'm worth more doing gardening/decorating etc as it would cost a lot to get someone in to do the amount I do.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 14/09/2015 10:09

But in that case SheGot, they are not reliant on their partner financially. Do you know any men who have chosen not to work even when the kids are in secondary school and are supported financially by their partner? I don't.

Goblinhat, what would happen if your husband decided he'd quite like to stop working so he could go to the gym when it's quiet?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/09/2015 10:10

Although your DH is supportive you may find his views change over time. I am the main earner and DH is SAHP. He does have his own business but the workflows tend to be quite lumpy i.e. big project for 2 months then nothing for 3 or 6 months. Some days I find it really hard that I am rushing out to work whilst everyone else is relaxing (e.g. school holidays). I feel that, no matter how tired or burnt out I feel I must work long hours etc. so my job is not compromised as there is no safety net.

It made good sense for DH to be at home when the DC were small as I was always going to be the higher earner and earn enough to support the whole family. Now they are 8 and 12 there seems less need for DH to be at home during the day.

goblinhat · 14/09/2015 10:10

whatsthat- we would possibly lose the house I guess.

Ginandtonicoclock · 14/09/2015 10:18

Surely if the husband is supportive and the family are financially sound it makes sense. I qualified before DH and earnt more than him for 15yrs. His profession had many years in training with v poor pay, but then increased exponentially. His job is long hours and stressful. I gave up as we needed someone to do all the domestic graft. Teenage DCs need as much love, nurturing and ferrying around as babies, it's just different. I've become self employed, do hours to suit myself, and pay pension contributions. It gives all of us flexibility. It's not about the 1950's, it's about what is best for all of us.

bimandbam · 14/09/2015 11:01

Rollonthesummer I know a few men who have given up work. Our business is in construction and it is common for men that have worked hard and made giod money and investments to have time out. Whether for a few years when there us a shortage of work or take early retirement.

It is usually done when the kids are teens as that's the sort of age range we know. So mid to late 40's/early 50's. The couple of people I know are financially secure and their wives/partners work ft in stable careers. One is a head teacher I know. Not sure what the other does.

Another family we know has had a sahd fir the last few years whilst his partner set up her business. Made sense to them as a family. He is back working ft now but will probably take few years off again if work gets harder to come by.

I have worked ft in a career when I was childless. I worked nearly ft when dd was little. And now I don't really work at all. It's not about what is right for anyone else other than my family.

When I worked as a parent I was paying out 70% of my wages in childcare, a cleaner, parking and other work related expenses. And we were all rushing about constantly trying to get stuff done.

Now I do most of the diy, admin, cleaning, cooking and other boring chores for the family. Ds only has to go to nursery ine morning a week so I can do the business paperwork. I am around after school and in the holidays for dd. Dp can work away or nights or be home late and I am always here for the dcs.

My role is very important to my family. It isn't important to anyone else but to be honest I don't really give a shit lol. I am hardly setting back the feminist movement by being a sahm. We were supposed to have been liberated by Womens Liberation not turned into stressed wage slaves.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 14/09/2015 13:09

whatsthat I know an increasing number of men who are kind-of-SAHDs.

They generally do something creative/media-ish on a freelance basis, but work from home.

Their partners usually work full time and are the main breadwinners. Not uncommon in these industries.

ohbollocks2u · 14/09/2015 13:20

Blimey , there are some pessimistic people on here

Do it , marriage is a partnership and if it will make you both happy then go for it

I did it for a while , similar job to you I think , I loved staying at home

I didn't care what people thought

BoboChic · 14/09/2015 17:40

I know some SAHDs who are trailing spouses - they've followed their DW to Paris when she landed a plum job. They mostly (not all) do a bit of work from home but otherwise take care of the childcare side of life and catering. I haven't ever really delved into whether they do the cleaning and ironing but mostly I suspect not.

It looks a lot less fun being a trailing husband than a trailing wife - so many fewer potential friends and social activities.

regenerationfez · 14/09/2015 17:55

I was a teacher, and have just gone freelance, but am not doing lots of hours. I know this is irrelevant somewhat, but iuf you are a sahm, what do you do about pensions? I had a teachers pension for nearly 20 years but can't pay into it now as I don't work in school. Do you partners pay a pension for you? It does worry me somewhat. I too was burned out by teaching and can't contemplate going back into the classroom again but this does worry me.

howabout · 15/09/2015 18:56

I am a SAHM. You can pay all your earnings into a personal pension if you can afford to. Even if you have no earnings you can pay in savings up to £3,600 per year after tax relief. It may also make more sense (tax wise) to up your DH's pension contributions. You also need to look at your NI record for state pension and consider making voluntary payments.

ChristineDePisan · 15/09/2015 19:14

I've recently had a period of not working more or less through choice: at first I definitely benefitted from being able to decompress following a very stressful and difficult time at work. And I have been very lucky to have had the summer holiday with my children, for example.

However...

Don't assume you will be able to get your foot back in the door when you decide you want to work again: I've found it much much harder than I expected, and am having to go back a good few rungs lower than I was previously and hope to work my way back up.

It has definitely changed the dynamics between DH and me, and I intensely dislike not having my own earning power. I have always earned and paid my way, and although we have always had "our money" not "mine" and "yours", I hate that I am making no financial contribution to the household.

I also dislike the message it has sent to our DC: they have gone from seeing both of us working to seeing Daddy going to work to earn money and Mummy staying at home. Hardly positive role modelling.

We have enough money to live on DH's salary, but it has been a squeeze, and we have had to get used to going without and some everyday expenditure becoming treats. We are very lucky that we can afford to live on one wage, but again the shift has been hard when the reason is because I'm not earning (and could be).

jellybeans · 15/09/2015 19:34

Yanbu. Go for it. I have been a SAHM for 16 years have loved it. But there are downsides. However you can always go back to work. I am going back p/t and retraining. My 5 DC are all school or college aged. It feels a good time but am already stressed re childcare etc.

rainpouringrainbows · 15/09/2015 20:20

*they have gone from seeing both of us working to seeing Daddy going to work to earn money and Mummy staying at home. Hardly positive role modelling."

what's wrong with that? As long as it's by choice, I don't see what the problem is.

The most successful people around me seem to come from traditional households, with parents still together 30 or 40 years later, and mums who were at home for the children. They don't seem to have been traumatised, and haven't taken a lazy way in their life either.

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