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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give up work for a while?

90 replies

NoonarAgain · 13/09/2015 10:52

I've always worked. My dds are 11 and 13 and I went back to work both times after maternity leave went they were born.

I'm a teacher - I do a 3 day week. I have a fantastic DH who has a stressful job with loads of evening meetings.

I know this sounds ridiculous, as my children are older , but I'm thinking of giving up work. I just feel a bit burned out. I'd love to spend a couple of years just being at home, being there for the dc and doing a bit of private tuition ( it'd break my heart to stop teaching altogether).

I had a totally surreal meeting with my (very unpredictable) head teacher last week. She flew off the handle over something totally irrational and it has really affected me for some reason. I think partly it's because it's a stressful time of year anyway. My dds started a new school this week, too. I just feel really tired of juggling my job, the needs of the dc, DH and even the bloody dog!!

I just want to focus on the home and family for a bit.

I am lucky, I know I have a good life. People would probably think I was really lazy to give up work with children at secondary school, wouldn't they?

So..AIBU?

OP posts:
chelle792 · 13/09/2015 12:12

op I quit teaching to do tutoring. Best decision ever! Feel free to pm for more details x

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 13/09/2015 13:30

You say your DH has a stressful job and your solution is to put more stress on him by opting out of earning as you want an easier life when only working part time anyway?

What if he turns round and says "yes dear but I am going to do the same as I don't fancy working either"?

It's a very selfish decision.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 13/09/2015 13:43

Cookie, OP's DH is happy with it. As someone in a previously stressful role, it made my life so much easier having a SAHP. It took a lot of the stress away knowing I could work late, go to meetings etc without having to organise childcare.

OP, do whatever works for you and your family. I have Dc with SN so can take a guess vaguely at what you do, I wouldn't worry as my DCs support teams change all the time and they adapt very quickly?

You also have a skill set to fall back on should it prove a problem so this makes it less worrying.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 13/09/2015 13:44

Sorry for rogue apostrophe! They adapt very quickly.

IonaNE · 13/09/2015 14:49

YANBU if you can afford it. I would never work if I could afford to pay the bills otherwise. (And btw I was also a teacher for over 15 years, I can understand you...)

howabout · 13/09/2015 14:59

YANBU
Why would I as a parent want you in the school when you are not happy doing your job and you don't even need to do it for the money?
I would be concerned about tutoring hours conflicting with when your DC are around.
You sound like you have a long term plan which will be much easier to pursue if you are not still working?

redexpat · 13/09/2015 15:22

Would it affect your pension? Is DH happy to shoulder the financial burden?

Oh and re the feeling of letting school down. Would they feel the same if their funding was cut, and they had to let you go? I suspect not. Although, excellent work ethic you have, v responsible.

Maverick66 · 13/09/2015 15:49

OP I gave up work when my children were 10 7 and 3. They are now 25,22 and 16 . DH self employed. It was without doubt the best thing for my family. Everything ran smoothly because i was always there to keep things running smoothly. However, other people my family included, felt I had taken the easy option to stay at home and not be a working mother.

Whilst I have no regrets and I feel my family truly benefited from me being at home I wish I had used some of the time to further my qualifications. Although that does not apply to you as you are a qualified teacher. The reason I regret not studying is that I am now only qualified to take on an admin job which only pays marginally more than minimum wage. This would not benefit me financially until my youngest child is 18. DH job is physical/manual and he has osteo arthritis which means he cannot work 5 full days per week so we get tax credits and youngest child gets EMA.

I would advise you to take your time off. We have one life and one chance to nurture our children. They will grow so quickly now and in no time you will wonder where those years went.

I await flaming from other mumsnetters.

Original poster
NoonarAgain · 13/09/2015 17:47

Thanks so much for your posts everyone.

Chelle, I will pm you, thanks.

So interesting to hear about your experience maverick, I'm sorry things are so tight for you, financially. That must be a real worry :(

Cookie, purple is correct in saying that my DH supports the decision. How am I selfish, putting my own career on hold so that he can pursue his, without additional pressure ?(eg regular childcare crises the moment something additional crops up that outside of our usual schedule)

Howabout,you might want me in 'your school' because I have a proven track record of significantly raising attainment. And I've worked continuously since having my dc, despite my dh earning well. I'd say that makes me very committed. I am now tired of the inflexibility of the school setting, but still love the teaching itself. Well, you did ask!!

Re the conflict of private tuition and being there for my dc...
I figured I could fit 2 children in after school between 4-6pm. Perhaps more during the day, if any students were bring home educated.

My dds walk home. They could still do that. I could prepare a meal during the day most of the time I'd hope to work from home. Perhaps I could have one day a week when undo home visits.

Being occupied during the early evening wouldn't bother me, as stress levels over all would be lower and family mealtimes would be possible every day.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 13/09/2015 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarletRuby · 13/09/2015 19:51

It's official then, the 1950's are back.

LindyHemming · 13/09/2015 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LumpySpaceCow · 13/09/2015 20:31

Go for it. So much more to life than work and you can afford it. If you feel like you have made a wrong move in a year or so then you could find a new job. Pension fear wouldn't stop me. My DM worked all her adult life, died early 50s and her very large pension is sat doing nothing in my dad's bank! Before she died she told me to spend as much time with my gorgeous DCs as possible as work will always be there.
Good luck x

Junosmum · 13/09/2015 20:51

YANBU. My OH is a teacher, for another 2 weeks. Last year he went part time and did a full time master's to retrain in IT. He starts a new job in October. It was totally the right decision for him. His mood and deneanor completely changed when he knew there was light at the end of the tunnel. The stress on teachers is horrendous, and people just don't realise it.

As your children are that bit older you could consider doing some studying, not just to change career but to keep your mind active. You could volunteer or just enjoy jam making and baking, learn a new skill etc. If you can afford it go for it. Life is too short to be miserable.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 13/09/2015 20:55

Senior school children and a part time term time job, I wouldn't see that as a hardship neither would I see it as needing to stay home so the husband can work. That sounds like lousy justification.

Scarlets right, it sounds like the 1950s are calling.

The "there's so much more to life than work" only ever gets quoted to women, a man suggesting the same would be vilified and called lazy.

rollonthesummer · 13/09/2015 21:21

The "there's so much more to life than work" only ever gets quoted to women, a man suggesting the same would be vilified and called lazy.

This is very true!

vdbfamily · 13/09/2015 21:25

Oh my goodness....people are so judgemental. If a family unit only needs one person to work and one person is happy to take care of the home stuff, it makes life so much less stressful for the family unit. Not only that but it frees up time for lots of other stuff. I was a school governor,trustee of local village hall,youth group leader,sunday school leader,pastoral care co-ordinator for the church/village. Now I am having to work full time I have dropped most of those roles because my job involves evenings and weekends and I want to see my 3 children for the hours I am home.
I think if we all just earned what we needed to to get by in life and spent the rest of our time giving time to society the world would be a far better place and people would be less stressed.
Go for it OP and don't let people tell you it is the 1950's, or maybe there were some good things about the 50's. Maybe this is the way we are heading as more people seek a sensible work/life balance.

Kosakova · 13/09/2015 21:34

I gave up work 2 years ago due to stress. After discussing it with my DH I decided not to look for further work and actually ended up going to college, with a view now to applying for University. I felt guilty at not working because it is seem as the 'norm' now for mothers to work. But I'm having a ball. I personally think that young teenagers actually need you just as much as younger children, even if they behave like they don't. I wish I had been there for my children a lot more when they were 11-15. If it suits your family, do as you want and ignore what other people say.

LindyHemming · 14/09/2015 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

c4kedout · 14/09/2015 07:18

if your DH works in s very stressful job, then I don't unterstand your reasoning to give up your part time role and make DH the sole bread winner. would this not put more stress on him?

goblinhat · 14/09/2015 07:29

I agree that even older children need a lot of support. In fact I have teenagers= the support never stops. As they spend their last few years with our family I feel the input I have to help guide their lives is crucial.

I gave up work when the kids were born and even now I wouldn;t want to commit to an employer.

However- there can be a middle ground. I have been working from home since my youngest was 6 months old. I earn almost as much as my OH who works full time and my work is totally flexible. Some weeks I work 50 hours, during school holidays or when kids are sick and need care I can cut back to 10 hours a week.
I had a high flying career before I had kids ( a research scientist) but I won't ever go back to that.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 14/09/2015 07:36

Euphemia, the OP only has choice by leaving somebody else to shoulder the financial burden. She wants the easy life of not working, where's the choice for the DH in his stressful job who now knows that he has to support not only himself but a dependant adult and children. That's not a partnership.

It's not like she worked all hours, part time term time left plenty of time to do housework etc without interfering with family time.

goblinhat · 14/09/2015 07:42

cookiemonster- no.

You dismiss the importance of nurturing children so casually.

This is not about choosing an easy life.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 14/09/2015 07:53

Of course it's about the OP choosing an easier life, do you really believe not working with children at school all day is harder than a job?

The OP mentioned nothing about nurturing, she says she is burned out and wants a few years not working.

It's perfectly possible to nurture children and work, presumably the DH manages it like the majority of the population.

The sad fact is being male the DH doesn't have the choice to say he's burned out and is taking a few years off. It's not a partnership if you intentionally quit work leaving the other in a stressful job to be the sole earner. Whatever way you dress it up, be it nurturing or for childcare emergencies the odd day in the year, it's selfish.

rainpouringrainbows · 14/09/2015 07:59

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet

I completely disagree with you. It doesn't even matter which one works, which one stays home, but in my case, husband is a work.

Yes, he has a stressful job, and commute, and support us. I am home, so he doesn't have to deal with it, and any boring bit. When he is home, he relaxes and spends time with his kids, we spend the weekends out. The dry cleaning/ cleaning/ shopping/ cooking/ medical appointments... the non-stop list of things you can't do at work is taken care of.

and the most important thing in the world: I look after and raise the children, who are happy!

It is a partnership. As long as everybody is happy about the situation, and has made a free choice what's wrong with it? I would completely support my husband if he decided to take a break/ have a career change (I have in the past). That's what you are here for, support each other.

The OP is even planning on earning some money by doing private tuition short term.