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AIBU- best friend just told me he has feelings for me.

75 replies

RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 05:46

I might come across as very shallow and messed up in this post so please try not to judge me!

One of my best and dearest friends told me today that he has feelings for me that go beyond friendship.

We became friends while working in the same team at work until he moved in December last year. We??re still in the same firm, but different teams now.

We talk everyday and I can tell him anything. He knows all my secrets- who I hate at work, what I think of my boss, etc. He??s a good guy and I??ve leaned on him in times of need. I can??t imagine waking up one day and not being able to message him or speak to him.

It all escalated a couple of weeks ago. I??m a real lightweight and last week I got a little too drunk after some drinks at a common friend??s birthday. This is pretty out of character for me because I tend to avoid alcohol, so he insisted on dropping me home. Given how tipsy I was by then, I gladly agreed. I must have been more drunk than I realised because by the time we got to my flat he had to pick me up and tuck me into bed.
Nothing happened and he was a perfect gentleman but I remember him kissing my forehead and even offering to help me take my makeup off, get me some water.

He told me today that ever since that night his romantic feelings have gotten stronger for me.

Now this is all very complicated because I like him too, but I don??t know if I am attracted to him. He??s a brilliant guy and a really great person but (and this is where I will sound shallow and disgusting) physically, he is completely opposite to ??my type??. I won??t lie- I have thought of him as a potential boyfriend before this confession today, but I always told myself it wouldn??t go anywhere because of the lack of physical attraction on my part.

It??s all totally messed up, because sometimes I do find myself attracted to him! People tell us we already look like a couple. We hold hands at parties without realising it. The other day we were watching a movie at my flat with some other friends, and we ended up cuddling together and didn't notice it was strange until everyone else started giving us odd looks.

Above anything else, I am concerned that if a relationship doesn??t work out for us in the long run, I will lose possibly the best friend I??ve ever had.

And a relationship might not work for two reasons- he wants children eventually and I am adamant that I don??t. He is extreeeeemely stingy and while I do save money, I definitely enjoying spending it too! I don??t think these are differences where a compromise is really possible.

For example, I love going out and having a nice time but he never even eats at restaurants (NEVER).

Lastly, he is a colleague. Since he is in a different team now, there isn??t any rule against us being together, but I am still not 100% comfortable. I??ve been betrayed many times in the past so I worry that if this doesn??t work, maybe he will get vindictive and go around telling people (like my boss) what I really feel or what I said about them etc etc.

When he made this confession, I told him that I had never thought of him that way (I had to lie a bit, because I don??t want to say anything until I am sure of my own feelings). and that if he ever stopped being friends with me because of this I would hunt him down and kidnap him. I kept stressing how good we are as friends and how we need to make sure we never lose that. He said he agreed with me totally, but I hope he doesn't change his mind.

I??m so confused right now. I am worried about losing my best friend (for example, what happens when I find someone else? will he be able to be around us), worried about how to protect his feelings worried about how to behave around him now! And worried about the small possibility of a potential drama at work.

I am also worried about whether I am placing too much emphasis on looks and physical attraction? Am I shallow?!

Any advice is appreciated. Anyone who has been through something similar, please shout!

OP posts:

RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 05:50

To make matters even more complicated, he is in the middle of an ugly breakup right now. When he confessed, I asked him about that immediately as I don't want to be the cause of a relationship breaking up. He assured me that the breakup was due to them not getting along and nothing to do with me. I think I believe him, because he's been having issues with his gf for months now.

what should I do? How should I behave? I'm concerned that somewhere have I encouraged these feelings by not being more careful - for example, letting him bring me home, cuddling, playful flirting etc.?

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 12/09/2015 06:00

You hold hands and cuddle subconsciously - get it on!


Eebahgum · 12/09/2015 06:06

Sounds like the perfect start to the perfect relationship if you ask me. Can't think of anything more amazing than being in a relationship with your best friend.


Bearbehind · 12/09/2015 06:07

I think, physical attraction aside, you'd be mad to go into a relationship where you know you have opposing views on 2 of the biggest issues in a relationship, children and money, unless you agreed which of you would have to change their opinion (you might be able to compromise on the money issue but you can't on children issue so someone has to back down).


RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 06:07

But I don't understand why/how it happens!!! He isn't my "type" at all!!

I go for really tall, manly guys (sorry if this sounds shallow, we've already established that I am) and he's really mild and ... I don't know. I just don't know

OP posts:

millionsmom · 12/09/2015 06:08

Ooo, tricky situation. I'd stop all the flirty cuddling stuff - it comes over as encouragement. I wonder, what must his gf feel about it? It won't have helped their relationship, especially if they were already on rocky ground. Of course he's told you it's nothing to do with you, he's already moved on from her in his head. Just take a look at the relationship board on MN to see how the current - or XP - sees things. One day you might be the might be in the same position as her.
You don't really fancy him either do you, so is the possible relationship a one you are prepared to work at? As for work, you just know it will make things difficult.

In short, it's a train wreck, stay well clear if you want to steer clear of such heartbreak.


Spartans · 12/09/2015 06:09

I think you are being sensible. Sometimes when you have feelings for someone the physical doesn't really matter. Dh isn't 'my type' and is completely different looking to my exs. To the point that he thought there was no way I would ever go out with him. But we fell in love and that never bothered me. We were friends first.

But if it's is bothering you and you aren't physically attracted to him and know you aren't, it's unlikely this will change and be a problem alter down the line. Do you want to spend forecer with someone you don't (and never have) fancied.

Also the other things could be problem. Your differences on spending for example. Your love of eating out, his loathing of it. If you both go out for a meal, you will know he doesn't want to be there. Or you never go for a meal as a couple or at all etc. These 'little things' do end up mattering.

What does stand out though is the break up he is going through. You say 'going through' was it a long term relationship, were they living together etc. you say 'going through' which implies it was and there is financial stuff to sort. In a short term relationship you either break up or don't.

The fact that he cuddles up with you and holds your hand at parties, whilst having a girlfriend isn't on. Not great behavoour from either of you. I would also suspect that his feelings have had something to do with the break up and the break up has come about so he can be free to pursue you. I suspect he wouldn't have broken up with we if he thought he had no chance with you.

From what you have said, I don't think he has been very nice to his girlfriend and that would bother me.

Unfortunately you can't really control whether this ends your friendship or not and I wouldn't recommend starting a romantic relationship with him purely in the hope that it keeps the friendship intact.


RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 06:10

Yes, the children and money issue is concerning. He isn't massively concerned about kids either way, but he just said he would like to some day possibly. Every time I say I don't want them, he gives me some speech about evolution and tells me I will change my mind (which a lot of people do and it always makes me want to punch them). I am not going to change my mind about children but this is an issue I face with ALL men. I don't think I've come across any who don't want children eventually,

OP posts:

Spartans · 12/09/2015 06:12

Sorry when I said I wasn't bother about dh being different to my exa, I mean that even though he wasn't my type and fell for him and really fancied him as well. The fact that he wasn't my usual type wasn't an issue because I was attracted to him


Justanotherday1 · 12/09/2015 06:13

I was friends with DH before we started dating. Sometimes it's a risk you have to take. It may or may not work out but if you don't take the risk and then one of you find someone else you may loose him anyway.
My DH is tight and I am less careful with money but we mange that with very few arguments. Generally a case of I've already spent it so tough Blush. He is actually getting better and I think I am being more reasonable with what I buy so we have helped each other.
I'm not sure if you can work through one wanting a child and one not. These are usually not something people can compromise on if your certain.
That being said I have a friend who all through her 20s said she didn't want any kids but has just started trying for a baby so people can change their minds.


RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 06:14

Well, the gf issue is complicated. The reality is that she hasn't been very nice to him. He has some confidence issues due to his past, and she has been very controlling and emotionally abusive. They're renting a flat and they have some combined finances (even though they weren't together for very long) and that is what has made the break up a bit prolonged and complicated.

Believe me, he isn't the sort who would treat someone badly.

And I honestly didn't mean to break anyone's relationship up! That isn't something I could do and live with myself afterwards.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 12/09/2015 06:15

He is extreeeeemely stingy

No for that reason alone.


RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 06:18

Well, with the children issue I am 100% sure I will not change my mind. I don't want them, period. But you can imagine that I face this issue with literally every potential boyfriend because men who don't want a family pretty much don't seem to exist! So I'm always a bit in denial over this difference (not the best approach).

I WANT to be attracted to him! How much easier would things be if I was?
But I keep thinking (and this will sound terrible as well) that I could do better?

I hope I don't come across as boastful now, but at work and in my circle of friends I've always been looked at as someone who would end up with a certain type of guy. And (now you will think I'm a terrible person) I would feel slightly embarrassed introducing him as my boyfriend.

OP posts:

Sighing · 12/09/2015 06:19

I agree that the children / money issues are your biggest obstacle. Generally my partners (and best relationships) have been with friends. I am also still close to the most genuine friends first.
I'd have some concerns about this transfer of affections. Yes, there's a growing closeness between you as friends but some single time distanced from his break up seems wise.
Physically all my friends male and female become more attractive to me over time. I think we all fall for our friends a little, sometimes it can lead to more. Sometimes it gets mistaken for more.


JeanSeberg · 12/09/2015 06:19

The reality is that she hasn't been very nice to him

So you know her and you know this to be fact?


RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 06:21

JeanSeberg- Yes, I do. I know her and we have a lot of common friends from whom I hear things. I've helped him through rocky patches in his relationship as well.

OP posts:

RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 06:24

The reality is that I don't have much experience with relationships at all.
I'm 26 and I've never had a steady boyfriend. My birthday is a few days away and I'm feeling a quarter life crisis! I've wanted a relationship for so long, I do feel that need in my life now.

So I am afraid that I might get into something for the wrong reasons or force myself to think of him a certain way just because I want to be with someone so badly.

OP posts:

Spartans · 12/09/2015 06:33

If you know as a fact the reasons that they have broken up is her abuse. Why would you question of the break up was concerning you?

She may have been awful, but I can't imagine him cuddling up and holding another girls hand really helped the situation. you already have been having an emotional affair.

The kids is a huge issue and I imagine he will down play his desire to want kids in order to secure the relationship. But if he wants them it's unlikely t go away.

The fact that you think you could probably do better, says to me, that your feelings are genuine feelings. You think he is good boyfriend material and probably wish you were attracted to him. But you aren't.

I have never thought I could do better than dh. Ita not something I have ever thought about. I want to be with dh and fancy dh.


bumbleymummy · 12/09/2015 06:39

Going through a break up is tough. Perhaps he feels more attracted to you at the moment because he is craving the intimacy that he is currently losing? Maybe once his relationship is all over and done with things will settle down again and you will go back to being really good friends.


RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 06:42

Well, the cuddling and holding hands in retrospect has only started since the past couple months now that I think about it (by which point he had already decided on making a break)

Kids are always a huge issue :( It's something that haunts me with every relationship I think of starting, so this is nothing new.

"I have never thought I could do better than dh. Ita not something I have ever thought about. I want to be with dh and fancy dh."

^and this is how I want to feel too. I think when the person is completely right for you, you just know and you never question anything right? If he was the one for me, I wouldn't be second guessing any part of this,

OP posts:

RachelGreen7 · 12/09/2015 06:44

"Going through a break up is tough. Perhaps he feels more attracted to you at the moment because he is craving the intimacy that he is currently losing? Maybe once his relationship is all over and done with things will settle down again and you will go back to being really good friends."

This is possible!

OP posts:

browneyedgirl86 · 12/09/2015 06:48

I was friends with my Dp for seven years before we got together. It can happen.

I understand the worry of if everything goes wrong I will lose a friend scenario. You clearly both get on and like you say you are attracted to him sometimes if you are holding hands and cuddling up with a film, I have male friends and it would never ever enter my head to do those things!

His ex girlfriend must not have been too pleased about that either.

For what it's worth though, initially I didn't think I was attracted to my DP, but then I hadn't ever looked at him like that. When I started too develop feelings for him (and allowed myself too) that changed.

It sounds like you need to take it slowly, if that's what you want. If this guy has just broken up with someone I would tread very carefully.


Spartans · 12/09/2015 06:50

That's exactly what I think op. If you were going to have genuine feelings for him I think you would have by now.

Also the touchy feely stuff may have only started a few moths ago when he decided to break up with her. But he wasn't actually broken up. He wasn't free and single. He has been testing the waters, to see if you reciprocate. You allowing this has given him the push to go ahead with the break up.

I honestly think if you hadn't he would still be with her and now you have said its not going anywhere, I would be prepared for him to get back together with her when it sinks in for him.

I don't believe all people who have EMotional or physical affairs set out to hurt people or are totally bad people. But the way he has gone about this is not great.

He should have sorted one relationship before pursuing another. I wouldn't be happy being with someone that started chasing me before he had finished, completely, with his ex.


Spartans · 12/09/2015 06:52

For what it's worth though, initially I didn't think I was attracted to my DP, but then I hadn't ever looked at him like that. When I started too develop feelings for him (and allowed myself too) that changed.

See this is the difference to me. The OP is trying to see him like that and it's just not happening for the OP. She feels she could do better, which is a big sign she isn't going to develop an attraction over time.


SouthWesterlyWinds · 12/09/2015 06:55

Okay - you say you occasionally do find yourself attracted to him. How far do you think your non-attraction is due to the worry of possibly losing your friendship over this? That's something you do need to talk about however I think that maybe the friendship might not be as close anymore if you say no as either you won't want to lead him on or he will want some space to recover himself.

You need to discuss these things especially your feelings on children. Plus that fatal word rebound am afraid.

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