AIBU- best friend just told me he has feelings for me.

[RachelGreen7]

I might come across as very shallow and messed up in this post so please try not to judge me!

One of my best and dearest friends told me today that he has feelings for me that go beyond friendship.

We became friends while working in the same team at work until he moved in December last year. We??re still in the same firm, but different teams now.

We talk everyday and I can tell him anything. He knows all my secrets- who I hate at work, what I think of my boss, etc. He??s a good guy and I??ve leaned on him in times of need. I can??t imagine waking up one day and not being able to message him or speak to him.

It all escalated a couple of weeks ago. I??m a real lightweight and last week I got a little too drunk after some drinks at a common friend??s birthday. This is pretty out of character for me because I tend to avoid alcohol, so he insisted on dropping me home. Given how tipsy I was by then, I gladly agreed. I must have been more drunk than I realised because by the time we got to my flat he had to pick me up and tuck me into bed.
Nothing happened and he was a perfect gentleman but I remember him kissing my forehead and even offering to help me take my makeup off, get me some water.

He told me today that ever since that night his romantic feelings have gotten stronger for me.

Now this is all very complicated because I like him too, but I don??t know if I am attracted to him. He??s a brilliant guy and a really great person but (and this is where I will sound shallow and disgusting) physically, he is completely opposite to ??my type??. I won??t lie- I have thought of him as a potential boyfriend before this confession today, but I always told myself it wouldn??t go anywhere because of the lack of physical attraction on my part.

It??s all totally messed up, because sometimes I do find myself attracted to him! People tell us we already look like a couple. We hold hands at parties without realising it. The other day we were watching a movie at my flat with some other friends, and we ended up cuddling together and didn't notice it was strange until everyone else started giving us odd looks.

Above anything else, I am concerned that if a relationship doesn??t work out for us in the long run, I will lose possibly the best friend I??ve ever had.

And a relationship might not work for two reasons- he wants children eventually and I am adamant that I don??t. He is extreeeeemely stingy and while I do save money, I definitely enjoying spending it too! I don??t think these are differences where a compromise is really possible.

For example, I love going out and having a nice time but he never even eats at restaurants (NEVER).

Lastly, he is a colleague. Since he is in a different team now, there isn??t any rule against us being together, but I am still not 100% comfortable. I??ve been betrayed many times in the past so I worry that if this doesn??t work, maybe he will get vindictive and go around telling people (like my boss) what I really feel or what I said about them etc etc.

When he made this confession, I told him that I had never thought of him that way (I had to lie a bit, because I don??t want to say anything until I am sure of my own feelings). and that if he ever stopped being friends with me because of this I would hunt him down and kidnap him. I kept stressing how good we are as friends and how we need to make sure we never lose that. He said he agreed with me totally, but I hope he doesn't change his mind.

I??m so confused right now. I am worried about losing my best friend (for example, what happens when I find someone else? will he be able to be around us), worried about how to protect his feelings worried about how to behave around him now! And worried about the small possibility of a potential drama at work.

I am also worried about whether I am placing too much emphasis on looks and physical attraction? Am I shallow?!

Any advice is appreciated. Anyone who has been through something similar, please shout!

[Spartans]

How old is he OP?

[SnobblyBobbly]

One othe thing to add (now I've read the other posts) is as much as it can be perceived as being shallow (although I'm not sure I see it that way) if you go with your first instincts on this, you'll be saving a whole heap of other problems.

The stinginess, the mismatched ideas on children, the lack of attaction which would impact on your physical relationship, the embarrassment, the doubts and the possibility of meeting someone you ARE suited and attracted to while you're with him.... It's just a long list of stress, worry and heartbreak. Not a good prospect from the outset.

[BathtimeFunkster]

Women are socialised to think that men's feelings are so much more important than their own and sometimes they will go out with someone they aren't attracted to because he is a "friend" and therefore as a "nice guy" deserves to get what he wants.

Exploiting this weakness is a known tactic by non-handsome pick up artists.

Which is not to say this guy did it deliberately, but you don't owe his feelings any reciprocation, and you're not shallow for not being interested in him romantically.

Pursuing you so openly whilst still in a relationship says that he is not that nice a guy when he's not trying to convince you to shag him.

[AyeAmarok]

I think no.

You would be embarrassed to introduce him as your BF.

He has just finished a long-term relationship, so could just be rebounding.

He cuddles and holds hands with women/a woman who is not his partner... I wouldn't want to go near a guy like this, how disrespectful.

You think you can do better looks-wise.

He is stingy, urgh.

Don't go there.

[Marshy]

You are either incredibly naive or stringing him along.

How can you not realise that you are cuddling and holding hands ffs?!

[Gabilan]

" I would feel slightly embarrassed introducing him as my boyfriend."

It doesn't matter what other people think about him - it matters what you think. You cannot force yourself to be physically attracted to him. It's not shallow to find physical attraction important - for some people it is, for others it isn't. Neither is right or wrong. Personally I've learned not to worry about whether someone is "manly" enough or fits into certain odd categories. However, I've never been attracted to anyone who's obese. A bit cuddly, yes, obese no. I just don't want to have sex with them and therefore do not want a relationship with them.

Added to this you're fundamentally incompatible when it comes to children and money and he is in a relationship. If he's been trying to get out of the relationship for a year and they aren't married, frankly he's not trying very hard. Sounds like he doesn't want to leave until he has an exit strategy and he's decided you are that exit strategy.

Move on. Stop the physical stuff with him. Tell him you want to remain friends but need a bit of distance and that he needs to work out what's happening with his current relationship.

[ShakesBootyFlabWobbles]

Totally off piste, but I can't get my head around why somebody who is adamantly against having children would be pouring their heart out on a 'by parents for parents' website?

Say no and move on.

[Louise43210]

Why are you on mumsnet?

[Havalina1]

Absolutely no way - you don't fancy him and you would be embarrassed to introduce him as your boyfriend.

No no no. The guy deserves to be with someone who is batty about him.

[areyoubeingserviced]

The fact that he is stingy would put me off

[MudCity]

Snobbly has said it all.

You are not being shallow. It is what it is.

The differences in your attitudes to various things will eventually get you down. Children and money aside, you like eating out and having a nice time, he doesn't. Imagine what the rest of your life will be like if he doesn't shift his view? I'm sure he would make an effort initially to try to enjoy the things you like but in the long-term he won't be able to sustain it if it isn't something he genuinely enjoys.

Don't let your desire to be in a relationship lead you to people who just aren't right for you. In the meantime, enjoy your friendship!

[Gabilan]

"Totally off piste, but I can't get my head around why somebody who is adamantly against having children would be pouring their heart out on a 'by parents for parents' website? "

I'm 43 and don't have children. I tend to read threads in The Tackroom, AIBU and Relationships. It's a big and varied site. Whatever it's starting point, I don't think you have to be a parent to contribute to it.

[Gabilan]

its starting point. Damn grocers' apostrophe.

[magoria]

Oh dear.

You met last Christmas, so 9 months ago.

In that time you have got really close. You tells him everything and anything. Including personal/worrying stuff. You feel really sad at the thought of not being able to text when you want.

Now it turns out he and his gf haven't been getting on for ages and she has been mean to him over the ending of their relationship and splitting of our entwined assets. Everyone knows this especially you, this new friend he has only known 9 months.

You find yourselves accidentally holding hands

You find yourselves accidentally snuggling up and cuddling on a film night

All your friends say you are just like a couple.

Of course your friendship is totally innocent.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

This sounds like the start of my and my DH's relationship - we were best friends, acted coupley, he fancied me but I felt that I wasn't physically attracted to him. When we started our relationship I had doubts but the physical attraction quickly grew. We've been together ten years and every day I am blown away by my good fortune to have found such a wonderful person who I love so much.

[Gabilan]

"You met last Christmas, so 9 months ago. "

As far as I can see, that isn't the case. They met when working in the same department, 9 months ago he move to another department but they've stayed friends.

[Havalina1]

I think the holding hands thing proves there's nothing between them - no spark whatsoever.

Plenty more boys out there.

[magoria]

Ah misread the meeting/moving bit sorry.

[ImperialBlether]

How could you even consider going out with someone you'd be embarrassed to introduce as your boyfriend?

[CalmYourselfTubbs]

he wants children eventually and I am adamant that I don??t.
That's a dealbreaker right there.

He is extreeeeemely stingy and while I do save money, I definitely enjoying spending it too!
Guys who are mean with money are not worth your time. that would be reason enough for me to walk away. in fact, i couldn't be friends with a meanie in the first place.

I don??t think these are differences where a compromise is really possible.
bingo.

[FortuneFavours]

Magoria yes, lovely drama in the making here.

Sorry, I might just be projecting as one of my university friends was SO like this that I was relieved to read the OP is much younger than me.

My friend would oh-so-accidentally flirt intensely and oh-so-accidentally make men fall for her - but only the 'safe' ones who were dating or something. She then dropped them instantly after they broke up with girlfriends - and then, oh, the endless drama just like this: could she like them like that? If she couldn't she'd lose them! They were such a good friend, she'd never thought about it, well she had, but you know he wasn't her type, he was quite ugly you know, but she felt so safe with him, she'd do anything not to lose him, oh why did men keep falling in love with her, woe is her.

And then cue next bloke who she would also "accidentally" hold hands with, snuggle up against, flirt with and oh my god, this has brought it all back! I have repressed this for years and it's like being in the room with her again and the endless exhausting drama.

Phew. I'm sorry if this isn't like you at all OP - it probably isn't, I clearly still have ranty issues about her and the three years of my life she took up with her antics and may be projecting. But I just wanted to shake her sometimes and can see similarities in your OP. Be honest, are you generally an insecure person? Because looking back I can see she was and I think she needed help. Why would you (in your own words) flirt as much as this and not expect him to reciprocate? What did you want/expect? Arggghh the flashbacks.

[ValancyJane]

My OH and I were good friends for ten years before we got together. We now jointly own a house, are expecting a baby next year and are planning on marriage in the future. It was a risk changing our friendship to something more, but for us it worked and has paid off. However, we both fancied each other, and were both on the same page about wanting a family in the future. In your post it just doesn't sound like you see him that way, and the issue of having children or not may well be a deal breaker...

[Straycatblue]

So.... you hold hands, cuddle , snuggle up to, tell him everything, lean on him for support, no wonder the guy has got the wrong impression of you, you are playing with his heart and you owe him an apology for your behaviour.

Basically, you are either attracted to someone or you are not and you are not.

Besides that , you have different life views, he wants children, you do do not, you have different views on finances, two of the biggest things in a relationship.

Never mind the fact he still has a girlfriend whom he lives with and you both think your behaviour is ok, I certainly would not be happy with a partner who thinks its ok to hold hands, cuddle and share his thoughts and feelings with another women while he is in a relationship with me.

If you have to start a thread on a forum for advise from strangers on the internet if you should start a relationship with someone then the attraction is not there.

You still want the best of both worlds from this guy, you want him to remain there for you in your life, for goodness sake, do the right thing and stop behaving this way and set him free. Readdress your boundaries.

Consider it a life lesson, you are the bad guy here, you have wronged both him and his girlfriend, him for leading him on and his girlfriend for doing those things with her boyfriend.

[Nicebucket]

Wow. OP, please don't listen to anyone here who is calling you the bad guy without knowing the full spectrum of events and without knowing you personally.

Honestly, men and women can indeed be friends. And friends can hug and hold hands, as well as share their deepest thoughts and secrets. I have male friends I do that with and some of them have girlfriends too.

Yes, the cuddling and the kisses on the forehead etc. aren't aporopriate if you're just friends. But he's breaking up with a woman who it seems isn't right for him- so I wouldn't consider it as inappropriate as I would if say he were happily married with two kids.

It happens sometimes. You become close to someone without realising it. Be more mindful of subtleties next time, but please don't beat yourself up over what happened.

It's ridiculoys how people are calling you a drama queen and home breaker. Please ignore them.

[Nicebucket]

Also meant to add: don't worry unnecessarily about him revealing whatever it is that you told him in confidence. I'm quite sure if he does that, he'll look like the bad guy and your managers won't be too impressed either.