AIBU- best friend just told me he has feelings for me.

[RachelGreen7]

I might come across as very shallow and messed up in this post so please try not to judge me!

One of my best and dearest friends told me today that he has feelings for me that go beyond friendship.

We became friends while working in the same team at work until he moved in December last year. We??re still in the same firm, but different teams now.

We talk everyday and I can tell him anything. He knows all my secrets- who I hate at work, what I think of my boss, etc. He??s a good guy and I??ve leaned on him in times of need. I can??t imagine waking up one day and not being able to message him or speak to him.

It all escalated a couple of weeks ago. I??m a real lightweight and last week I got a little too drunk after some drinks at a common friend??s birthday. This is pretty out of character for me because I tend to avoid alcohol, so he insisted on dropping me home. Given how tipsy I was by then, I gladly agreed. I must have been more drunk than I realised because by the time we got to my flat he had to pick me up and tuck me into bed.
Nothing happened and he was a perfect gentleman but I remember him kissing my forehead and even offering to help me take my makeup off, get me some water.

He told me today that ever since that night his romantic feelings have gotten stronger for me.

Now this is all very complicated because I like him too, but I don??t know if I am attracted to him. He??s a brilliant guy and a really great person but (and this is where I will sound shallow and disgusting) physically, he is completely opposite to ??my type??. I won??t lie- I have thought of him as a potential boyfriend before this confession today, but I always told myself it wouldn??t go anywhere because of the lack of physical attraction on my part.

It??s all totally messed up, because sometimes I do find myself attracted to him! People tell us we already look like a couple. We hold hands at parties without realising it. The other day we were watching a movie at my flat with some other friends, and we ended up cuddling together and didn't notice it was strange until everyone else started giving us odd looks.

Above anything else, I am concerned that if a relationship doesn??t work out for us in the long run, I will lose possibly the best friend I??ve ever had.

And a relationship might not work for two reasons- he wants children eventually and I am adamant that I don??t. He is extreeeeemely stingy and while I do save money, I definitely enjoying spending it too! I don??t think these are differences where a compromise is really possible.

For example, I love going out and having a nice time but he never even eats at restaurants (NEVER).

Lastly, he is a colleague. Since he is in a different team now, there isn??t any rule against us being together, but I am still not 100% comfortable. I??ve been betrayed many times in the past so I worry that if this doesn??t work, maybe he will get vindictive and go around telling people (like my boss) what I really feel or what I said about them etc etc.

When he made this confession, I told him that I had never thought of him that way (I had to lie a bit, because I don??t want to say anything until I am sure of my own feelings). and that if he ever stopped being friends with me because of this I would hunt him down and kidnap him. I kept stressing how good we are as friends and how we need to make sure we never lose that. He said he agreed with me totally, but I hope he doesn't change his mind.

I??m so confused right now. I am worried about losing my best friend (for example, what happens when I find someone else? will he be able to be around us), worried about how to protect his feelings worried about how to behave around him now! And worried about the small possibility of a potential drama at work.

I am also worried about whether I am placing too much emphasis on looks and physical attraction? Am I shallow?!

Any advice is appreciated. Anyone who has been through something similar, please shout!

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

I think it's perfectly normal to not want kids when you're 26 so I wouldn't let that hold you back. It's the stingeyness that would put me off. Also the rebound thing. He needs to give it at least 3 months.

[Duckdeamon]

Sounds like the "friendship" already had few boundaries and was overly intense and was more of a sexual thing on his part at least. People at work will already have been gossiping.

Best to avoid a rebound thing or "supporting" him through a break up. Give it a few months at a distance and see how you feel.

"Extreme stinginess" doesn't sound attractive!

[EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs]

I didn't want kids at 26 and still don't at 42 so

[EmpressKnowsWhereHerTowelIs]

Sorry, posted too early. I didn't want kids at 26 and still don't at 42 so I do think you should take that issue seriously.

[RachelGreen7]

"I honestly think if you hadn't he would still be with her and now you have said its not going anywhere, I would be prepared for him to get back together with her when it sinks in for him."

Disagree- he wouldn't still be with her, his issues with her started a year ago and he's been trying to end it since then. But due to the lease and the finances and the fact that she threatened some legal hassles, he hasn't been able to.
But yes, maybe he will get back with her or be with someone else. I am prepared for that.

My general nature can be a bit flirty. I don't mean any harm by it, but because of it I am wondering now if I unknowingly encouraged the touchy feely stuff and gave some sort of signal.


"He should have sorted one relationship before pursuing another. I wouldn't be happy being with someone that started chasing me before he had finished, completely, with his ex."

I do agree with this completely.

[RachelGreen7]

"I think it's perfectly normal to not want kids when you're 26 so I wouldn't let that hold you back. It's the stingeyness that would put me off. Also the rebound thing. He needs to give it at least 3 months."

The thing is, I never want kids, and it isn't something that I will change my mind on. I'm tired of people saying I will, I know myself and I know I won't. It's impossible for me for various reasons. I don't want them and I would be miserable if I felt compelled to get pregnant just to keep a relationship going.

[Devilishpyjamas]

I split up with someone at 24 because he didn't want kids (& actually although he was a good friend I never really fancied him). It's 20 years later & he still doesn't have kids (I had my first at 28). Going out with him just ruined a close friendship. So no, don't do it unless your feelings for him become more physical & then discuss the kids thing. There is no compromise there.

[ollieplimsoles]

Haven't read the whole thread but just needed to say this.

Let go of your 'type' op, it will hold you back in finding someone wonderful, sounds to me like it already is.

This was me when I was 18, my best friend confessed his love for me, I was scared and we ended up not in contact for 9 months, we met up again purely by chance and since then we have hardly spent a day apart. I married him.

Don't let him slip away for the sake of what ifs, at least give this a chance.

[TeaAndNoSympathy]

Friends to lovers can work wonderfully well sometimes.

But I don't think it's going to in your case. Primarily because you don't fancy him, but also because of the massive mismatch in approach to finances and children. Both of these are huge issues. You sound fundamentally incompatible from a relationship point of view.

[Spartans]

Op it's entirely reasonable to know you don't want kids at 26, I totally agree with you on that. Many people always know they want kids, no one ever tells them they will change their minds.

Some people do decide to have them, after thinking they won't. But lots of people know they won't.

I think what pps are saying is a good idea. Take a break, create some distance. Let him sort the the break up and have some time alone, you don't want to be his rebound. Then revisit the issue.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Don't try to force a relationship if you
Don't feel that way about him, and if you are not attracted to him and wouldn't want him to be your boyfriend then you don't feel that way about him! It's a no brainier.
Your friendship will change because it was never a true friendship, it was Him hoping to become close to you by stealth and you having a pseudo relationship with him where he met your emotional needs but without the commitment or physical side of a relationship.
These kinds of intense 'friendships' between men and women (or any gender combination where there is possibility of sex actually) are rarely straightforward, genuine friendship. One or other has an agenda.

And advice for the future; don't hold hands and cuddle with men you aren't interested in. It's not very kind behaviour.

[Spartans]

But also do always keep in mind that he does want kids and you don't. And also the difference in financial approaches. The money thing can be worked around in a good relationship.

[londonrach]

(Rushes out to buy a hat)

[RachelGreen7]

"And advice for the future; don't hold hands and cuddle with men you aren't interested in. It's not very kind behaviour."

I know, that was my bad.

I don;t know what came over me- definitely shouldn't have done that.

[RachelGreen7]

Also- I had a massive issue at work some time ago and I really needed advice from someone who knew the environment and the job. Since he has 10 more years of experience than I do, and we are close friends I asked him. But what we discussed was confidential and I don't want anyone else in the office knowing about it.

From what I know of him he isn't a vindictive sort, but sometimes a heartbreak can cause people to lash out. I'm worried that if I don't play this right, he might try and use that information to get back at me? Or am I just overthinking this and being paranoid?

[BathtimeFunkster]

The reality is that she hasn't been very nice to him.

You know nothing about the reality of his relationship with his girlfriend.

You've been having a (very public) emotional affair for 9 months.

You can't believe a single thing he's told you about her or the state of their relationship.

What you have with him is not friendship, it's just him trying to get into your knickers.

Don't date this stingy cheat you don't fancy just because he fancies you.

Getting over this office romance won't be fun, but this isn't true love, or even true friendship.

The best thing you can leave with now is a cordial professional relationship and to have your colleagues stop gossiping about you for public carrying on with a man in a relationship.

[molyholy]

You think you 'could do better' and would be 'embarrassed introducing him as your boyfriend.' What more is there to say?

[goblinhat]

I think, physical attraction aside, you'd be mad to go into a relationship where you know you have opposing views on 2 of the biggest issues in a relationship, children and money

A bit heavy at this stage.

Have you never dated just for the fun of it, lasted a while then parted?
Not all relationships need to lead to marriage and babies.
I have dated some guys for a few weeks, a few months, a few years, and although they didn't last it was fun at the time and I still look back on most of these relationships with fond memories.

Should we never date anyone who seems slightly incompatible just for the fun of it?

Do some of us actually interrogate guys on the first date to make sure their long term plans match up with ours?
Slightly scary.

OP give it a go- it may not be the love of your life, but you may have some fun.

I have been happily with my OH for a long time now. We had known each other for many years before dating. He was the brother of one on my good friends. He had a eye for me although I didn't know it ( we were always in relationships with other people anyway).

He lived close by, and he always popped up in a crisis- if my Taxi didn't come for the airport he would drive me there in his old banger. When my OH blew himself up at work, this guy would rally around with my other friends, making me large G&Ts after visiting hospital.
Then when I became single he would pop around with the Sunday papers, he would fix a blocked drain. walk my dog.

Always above board, never tried kiss me or push his attentions, just always there to support. He was also not my type, geeky, a bit scruffy, shy, bit of a loner, I didn't fancy him at all.
I thought he was sweet, a bit naiive, a good solid guy.

Then something strange happened- I started seeing him as more than a good friend, we started dating, the relationship became physical and within a few short weeks he moved in with me ( I had known him 8 years at this point).

Roll on 18 years and we are still together, blissfully happy, two wonderful children.
Life has some strange turns.

[TeaAndNoSympathy]

I have to agree with the PPs who say he had an agenda all along. Call me cynical but your posts remind me of this

[Saltedcaramel4]

How old are you OP?

Ideas about children and money can change. It would be best to discuss this if things do evolve.

Also even the ugliest person can be beautiful if they are lovely deep down. The most beautiful person can be ugly if they are truly awful inside.

I would tell him that you treasure him as a friend. He's going through a messy break up and the waters need to settle because he might change his mind about how he feels about you.

[Saltedcaramel4]

I would be very cautious about starting anything. But if you start to develop feelings maybe you could consider a few light hearted dates after Xmas.

[Spartans]

But goblin the op doesn't want to date him for fun. She is scared dating and breaking up would ruin the relationship. She doesn't find him attractive and would be embarrassed to be seen with him. Where is the fun there? He doesn't like to go out to eat, she love it.

Yes I have dates for fun, but can't see the fun here.

[Saltedcaramel4]

Ah then she shouldn't date him unless she has a change of heart

[SnobblyBobbly]

I've been in a very very similar situation before OP, in fact as you were describing him I wondered if it was perhaps the same guy!

I absolutely loved him, he was definitely like a best friend and we worked away together (as part of a larger team) as well so it was all quite intense.

Over time he developed feelings for me, we were both completely single and we did end up sleeping together, as like you, I wondered if I was being shallow and had perhaps been previously looking at things wrong. Like you I WANTED to fancy him but no. A strong enough physical attraction just wasn't there.

Unfortunately I can also join you in those murky shallow waters as I felt exactly the same when people thought we were a couple - they seemed surprised and I was slightly embarrassed.

My advice to you is don't settle. As nice as he is it won't work and you'll end up breaking his heart more if things move on for the sake of 'giving it a go'.

In my case we had a chat very similar to yours where I said it wouldn't work, and I just completely stuck to that.

We never slept together again, but remained good friends, and I still worked with him when I met my now DP and had my first child. We're now just Facebook Friends and our lives have taken different directions.

You need to have tunnel vision and don't dwell on how he's feeling too much. It sound so harsh I know, but you've been clear whilst being kind, and when it comes down to it, those feelings are his to deal with.

As an aside, now I've been married for almost 10 years, I still 100% fancy DH and still get those butterflies when I notice through the haze of a hectic household how handsome he is and I think it forms part of that intrinsic love for him which is so important. Not ALL of it, but attraction is definitely a part of it and just can't fake that element of a relationship (which can be hard enough at the best of times!)

I apologise if I've repeated what other posted have said befor me - I'm guilty of not reading all the posts and jumping on because I just connected to what you were saying. But trust your instincts OP - you'll both be fine xxx