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AIBU?

Banned from looking after my DSD son...

79 replies

zeezeek · 11/09/2015 21:48

By her mother...who, as you may already know, with whom I have a tricky relationship.

So...the Christening happened. DSD and her DP and son joined us for an awesome summer in Sweden, during which I looked after my step-grandson alone a number of times. I love him, he seems to love me too. My DDs are also pretty damn well smitten too, if a tad confused about their relationship to him!

Anyway, fast forward to now....my DSD and her DP want a weekend away next weekend and my Dh - their main childcare - has a weekend away planned with some friends of his that I'm not going on. So I offered to look after the baby. DSD is cool with that, as is her DP (his mother died a long time ago and his Dad is useless). However, her mother is now complaining because it is me looking after him. She doesn't want him herself....she just doesn't want me to look after him.

AIBU to wonder what the actual fuck is going on with this woman?

OP posts:

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HeyDuggee · 14/09/2015 17:23

tmwsion actually she can start whatever post she likes and she is under no obligation to explain her life and her past in great detail to a bunch of strangers. You don't get to demand explanations.

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TwmSionCati · 14/09/2015 17:27

look she asked for advice and offered all kinds of rather vague background details - so in order to be able to offer advice, she was quizzed further.

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FantasticButtocks · 14/09/2015 17:39

How the OP's husband behaved 25 years ago is not actually relevant to this situation now. If you have a good relationship with DSD and she wants you to care for her child then that is between you and your DSD, nothing to do with her DM. If her DM wants to object to this, that is between her and her daughter, not your argument. Where it all goes wrong I think, is in your DSD telling her DM about the arrangement, and in your DSD telling you what her DM's reaction is. She'd only really need to give you that info if she were going to act on her mother's wishes. So yes, maybe it's a tad inappropriate for DSD to discuss her DM with you so much. It does seem to be stirring up trouble.

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zeezeek · 14/09/2015 17:41

FlankShaftMcWap - yes that is the case. My DH was married for several years before I knew him (and before he even moved to the UK). They had 3 kids before his marriage broke up. He moved to the UK and had a casual affair with this woman and had a child (unplanned, but definitely not unloved). He then broke it off when he met me and wanted to get involved with me. I had cancer at the time, so that's why I wasn't really paying attention to the specifics of the timing of the end of his relationship. Frankly I was just pleased that I had someone who loved and supported me through losing a leg and having to re-adjust my entire life. And I'm not writing this for pity or as an excuse - I have had a bloody good life since and have no regrets about getting involved with a man who was much older than me, a father already and with a "past".

OP posts:

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SouthAmericanCuisine · 14/09/2015 17:46

buttocks I agree that the DSD telling the OP about her mums reaction isnt helpful - but I don't think the DSD can be held accountable for her mums reaction towards the OP.

It shouldn't be up to the DD to predict her mums irrational behaviour and filter the conversations she has with her mother - it is reasonable for her to assume that her mother, as a grown up, is able to manage her emotions and not abuse the OP by phone.

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FantasticButtocks · 14/09/2015 17:52

Is this acceptable and 'normal' for AIBU? Do some people come on here just for the purpose of giving the OP a good kicking? Like some sort of unpleasant hobby for inadequate types who need to make others feel bad to feel ok themselves?

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FantasticButtocks · 14/09/2015 18:08

i don't think the DSD can be held accountable for her mums reaction towards the OP. I agree. Is she being held accountable for that? I haven't understood from this that the OP is blaming the DSD in any way. The DSD must know how her DM feels about her DSM by now, and she has her own difficulties with her DM, like the present situation, and the way they handle (or don't) that is between her and her DM.

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SurlyCue · 14/09/2015 18:22

It shouldn't be up to the DD to predict her mums irrational behaviour and filter the conversations she has with her mother

I disagree. This is an adult woman. Not a child. She knows her mother well enough to know what will annoy her. She could easily not mention her step mother to her. Just as she could easily not mention her mother's nasty comments to the person they are about!

I have a relationship with my EXMIL that my own mother knows nothing about. It would aggravate her to know i enjoyed the woman's company so i dont tell her. Why would I? Who would that benefit?

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SouthAmericanCuisine · 14/09/2015 18:30

This is an adult woman. Not a child. She knows her mother well enough to know what will annoy her

I agree - but, deliberate or not on the part of the DSD, the mothers reaction, to phone the OP and give her abuse, is not the fault of the DSD.
The adult DC has every right to expect her mother to behave appropriately, Whatever the circumstances.

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FantasticButtocks · 14/09/2015 18:32

But has anyone actually said they think the mother's reaction is the fault of the DSD?

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SurlyCue · 14/09/2015 18:35

the mothers reaction, to phone the OP and give her abuse, is not the fault of the DSD.

Of course! I dont think you'll find if said any different to that. The DSD is not responsible for her mothers actions. She is however responsible for her own actions and knows well enough the feelings of animosity towards OP from her mother. She could just say nothing and avoid any drama where possible.

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zeezeek · 14/09/2015 19:24

i don't think the DSD can be held accountable for her mums reaction towards the OP

She's not. Not by me, my DH or anyone.

the mothers reaction, to phone the OP and give her abuse, is not the fault of the DSD.

Again, no one has ever tried to suggest this. My DSD is my DH's child and is treated the same as all his children. Her relationship with her mother is strained, but that is, as far as I know, nothing to do with her being involved with us.

She also talks to me about her relationship with her father and we discuss lots of other things as well. It is similar to the relationship I have with my brother's children and one which I had with my own Aunt.

I don't think that I've done everything correctly. For the most part I've been making it all up as I go along re my relationship with my step-children, just like I have with my own.

OP posts:

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SouthAmericanCuisine · 14/09/2015 19:34

zeek. I know you haven't - it was in response to a poster up thread that implied that your DSD is deliberately making trouble by talking about you to her mum, knowing how her mum feels so it you, and then by telling you about her mums reaction.

I was making the point that it's not unreasonable for your DSD to expect her mum to behave rationally and not call you shouting abuse.

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Goldmandra · 14/09/2015 19:50

Whatever the circumstances of the break-up, it is not reasonable for the mother to try to dictate to her adult daughter who should look after her child.

It would be reasonable to express an opinion about having to have contact herself with the OW, even if it was 25 years since the break up. It isn't appropriate to drag her DGS's relationships into her power games.

If she was asked to look after him and declined to do so, for whatever reason, she has no say in who her DD asks to step into the breach.

FWIW it sounds like the OP would be the best person to offer this childcare as the child clearly has a good, affectionate relationship with her. What's best for him is paramount.

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featherandblack · 14/09/2015 19:50

I don't think it's fair to your DSD's mum for you both to be talking about her. It sounds very unhelpful. If you really want the animosity to go, it would be good if you weren't both fanning the flames like that. And don't gossip about this latest bit of unreasonableness either, if you want it to die a quick death.

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featherandblack · 14/09/2015 19:51

And your thread title is an absolute lie. You haven't been banned; she doesn't have the power to. This hasn't happened.

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MorrisZapp · 14/09/2015 20:02

What does she say on the phone when she abuses you?

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SurlyCue · 14/09/2015 20:03

zeek. I know you haven't - it was in response to a poster up thread that implied that your DSD is deliberately making trouble by talking about you to her mum, knowing how her mum feels so it you, and then by telling you about her mums reaction.

I was making the point that it's not unreasonable for your DSD to expect her mum to behave rationally and not call you shouting abuse.

I assume you mean me.
These are two separate points. It is entirely possible to hold the DSD responsible for her own actions (talking to mum about OP and vice versa) without blaming her for her mum's actions. I think ive made that pretty clear in my previous post!

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hibbleddible · 14/09/2015 20:06

Who gave abuse to who op? That wasn't clear.

As others have said, it is entirely up to DSD and her dp who she trusts with looking after her ds. It is great for children to have as big a circle of people looking after them as possible.

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SouthAmericanCuisine · 14/09/2015 20:08

surly No, not you - it was buttocks comment about it going "wrong" when the DSD talks to her mother about her stepmum, and tells her stepmum what her mother says.

Personally, I don't see why the OPs DSD should keep her childcare arrangements for her own DS a secret - especially as it's likely to come up in conversation, given that the DSD had already asked her mum if she'd do it.
Expecting someone to accommodate another persons unreasonableness is in itself, unreasonable, IMO.

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SouthAmericanCuisine · 14/09/2015 20:11

hibble. the OP posted that her DSD mum phoned her;

"My DSD tends to talk to me about her problems with her mother, but this time I know she doesn't want me looking after the baby because she rung me last night to tell me - along with a mouthful of abuse."

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Marynary · 14/09/2015 20:17

I would ignore the mother. She can complain all she likes but ultimately she has no say in who does or doesn't look after her grandchild.

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ollieplimsoles · 14/09/2015 20:29

BeeRayKee yeah... Did you actually read what I put? If you did then you would realise that your reply to it makes no sense...

Since you said your DH's mum dotes on your dc and by the logic of my post your DM should be 'devastated':

I mentioned the fact that op was not a blood relation to the grandchild, when both your DM and Dmil ARE blood related.

2. I doubt your DH's mum broke up your mum's family by shagging your dad...this would no doubt cause some ill feeling over who is spending time with the grandchild...

Better luck next time.

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MammaTJ · 14/09/2015 21:06

No SouthAmericanCuisine, if I couldn't manage to help out, I would not be so selfish as to kick off like this woman has done. I would quietly seethe!

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hibbleddible · 14/09/2015 21:10

south I read that but it wasn't clear.

If that is the case, then I would refuse to engage with the DSD mother.

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