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AIBU?

Banned from looking after my DSD son...

79 replies

zeezeek · 11/09/2015 21:48

By her mother...who, as you may already know, with whom I have a tricky relationship.

So...the Christening happened. DSD and her DP and son joined us for an awesome summer in Sweden, during which I looked after my step-grandson alone a number of times. I love him, he seems to love me too. My DDs are also pretty damn well smitten too, if a tad confused about their relationship to him!

Anyway, fast forward to now....my DSD and her DP want a weekend away next weekend and my Dh - their main childcare - has a weekend away planned with some friends of his that I'm not going on. So I offered to look after the baby. DSD is cool with that, as is her DP (his mother died a long time ago and his Dad is useless). However, her mother is now complaining because it is me looking after him. She doesn't want him herself....she just doesn't want me to look after him.

AIBU to wonder what the actual fuck is going on with this woman?

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zeezeek · 13/09/2015 16:15

" when my DH left her with a young DD for me ". yet now you say " as far as I know (and DH tells me) they broke up before he got together with me." but then add that you 'didnt really pay attention'.

I found out after we had been together for a while. As far as DH was concerned he had finished with her, she thought differently. And I really wasn't paying attention as I was ill.

SurlyCue: there's just over 20 years age difference between DSD and myself and as she has got older our relationship has kind of developed into an Aunt/Niece one. She confides in me a lot and talks to me about her relationship with both of her parents. She does tell me things that her mother has said about me, mostly because she knows that I will probably hear it anyway from other people in town and also that her mother has the propensity to contact me herself and abuse me directly! I know that this may seem odd to some people, but it is what happened with us. I have 3 other step-children and have similar relationships with them too.

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NickiFury · 13/09/2015 16:19

Well I would never like or accept you either given the circumstances you describe. I wouldn't interfere with my dds childcare arraignments for her ds though unless I could have him myself.

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NickiFury · 13/09/2015 16:20

Arrangements

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ollieplimsoles · 13/09/2015 16:20

As far as I know (and DH tells me) they broke up before he got together with me.

So, your 'D'H lied to you about having a wife and young child...awesome.

Look I still think its a bit rich that your dsd tells you things her mother has said about you, I agree with PPs- it is shit stirring, even if you do find out from other people- thats not her concern. She should stay out of it. I feel sorry for her mum. If I were you I would ask her not to tell me things and just focus on your relationship with her child. She can only stop you looking after him, not her mother.

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TwmSionCati · 13/09/2015 16:21

" As far as DH was concerned he had finished with her, she thought differently "

he fed you a good line there then. so then there was nothing to 'find out' surely?
Look I am sorry but breaking up families does have long term consequences.
I am not saying that she is the most reasonable person in the world, but from her view how does you looking after her grandchild look?
And why the silly comment about your daughters being confused about who this boy is?
You are not sounding like someone who cares much, tbh, forgive me if I am wrong.

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Learningtoletgo · 13/09/2015 16:28

Drip, drip, drip ...

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sadwidow28 · 13/09/2015 16:50

I can't see where you were 'banned' from looking after your DSD's son - as per your title.

Do you like drama in your life, and therefore use words which are emotive? That's okay if you do.

One of the arts of being a Step-Mum is to value and respect the Mum under any pressure. Never, never, never was a bad word said about my DSD's Mum in our house - no matter what the provocation.

She does tell me things that her mother has said about me

Please stop encouraging that disrespectful behaviour. Your DSD may be making things up in order to ingratiate herself with you. If not, have you not spoken to your adult DSD about confidentiality within relationships? Would you like your 1-2-1 conversations relayed back to the Mum by your DSD? No? Then stop encouraging gossip and tittle-tattle. Perhaps then the DM may have more respect for you.

she rung me last night to tell me - along with a mouthful of abuse

Then block her number! Your DSD is an adult so I don't see why you and the Mum have any contact when you clearly dislike each other.

As for your comment it's 25 fucking years ago

25 years (tick)
fucking (tick)
wife should get over it (cross)

You and your DH ruined her life 25 years ago - it isn't up to you to say when she should stop feeling pain by your take-over of her family.

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ollieplimsoles · 13/09/2015 17:17

sad put it exactly right.

The more I read this thread the more angry I feel. Both you and your SD sound like you both like a bit of drama.

Stop her talking about her mother to you, block the mother's number, and try and put yourself in her shoes.

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zeezeek · 14/09/2015 14:44

AS I said previously, I come on here to vent anonymously about a situation which annoys the hell out of me in RL. That's all, really.

DH was never married to her btw and it was a fairly short lived relationship whichever side you take. Maybe I should have noticed more what was going on - and would now, with the benefit of 25 years more experience of life and not being distracted by being ill.

All I know is that it is a long time ago and it baffles me why something that happened so many years ago is being allowed to affect someone's whole life.

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TwmSionCati · 14/09/2015 14:48

" it baffles me "

aww are you 'baffed'? you poor woman.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/09/2015 14:53

Well. I can understand your DSD's mother being angry that her grandson is so attached to you - she's jealous of course - but if she's so upset at the idea of you looking after him, then her obvious course of action would be to volunteer to look after him herself; and yet you say she doesn't want to do that, so she can just suck it up, can't she. Ridiculous to have a hissy fit over it, yet not be prepared to offer an alternative.

Anyway, as PPs have said, it's not up to her, it's your DSD's decision to make - so let her make it and stop worrying about the mother's bile.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/09/2015 14:56

Aaannd now I've read all the rest of the posts (thanks, internet, for fucking around as usual!) I think maybe AIBU wasn't the best place for this post...

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zeezeek · 14/09/2015 16:21

ThumbWitchesAbroad - on reflection, nah, probably not!!!

And no, she's not offering to give up her weekend to look after her DGS. It's hard to know what she wants as she picks fault with everyone's suggestion.

But then, as others have said it is all my fault for not realising 25 years ago that when my then new BF said that he had already finished with the woman he'd had a casual relationship with and wanted to be with me - that her version of events was completely different.

However, maybe some of you have a point and I should start discouraging DSD from talking to me about her mother.

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Crispbutty · 14/09/2015 16:51

Did you know he had a few children in this "casual" relationship??

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TwmSionCati · 14/09/2015 16:55

" my then new BF said that he had already finished with the woman he'd had a casual relationship with and wanted to be with me "

Really how many children did you say were in this 'casual relationship'? Three ? Four?

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TwmSionCati · 14/09/2015 16:56

and frankly yes, you should have realised 25 years ago that you were being fed a line and were in fact party to breaking up a family.

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Hellocampers · 14/09/2015 17:03

What sort of illness did you have op? Same as your dh had? Amnesia?

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HeyDuggee · 14/09/2015 17:04

God OP, honestly, just point posters sniffing for blood to your previous threads. You do not have to explain yourself and a complicated situation from 20 years ago to a bunch of demanding anonymous posters.

Over and over and over.

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Crispbutty · 14/09/2015 17:04

Lol campers!!!

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TwmSionCati · 14/09/2015 17:06

" You do not have to explain yourself and a complicated situation from 20 years ago to a bunch of demanding anonymous posters. "

Well she shouldnt have started it then should she?

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BeeRayKay · 14/09/2015 17:06

So this jumped out at me

"
I feel sorry for the dsd's mum, yes it was a long time ago but I would be annoyed too having to share her grandson with another, non blood related grandma, I know my mum would be devastated if this was u"

What? So by that logic, the fact my DHs mum dotes on my eldest and has her to stay and is Grandma by all accounts, my DM should be devastated? Devastated that an innocent child is surrounded my love? Riiiiight.

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SouthAmericanCuisine · 14/09/2015 17:08

Any moral high ground that the grandmother in this situation may have had due to her being the victim of her ex's infidelity with the OP was lost when she phoned the OP and gave her a mouthful of abuse. Even at the time, abusing the OW is displaced emotion - but 25 years later?

She's made herself appear unhinged, bitter and unpleasant.

Fortunately, her DD seems to have overcome whatever poison her mother has dropped into her ears and is willing to wlecome the OP into her life.

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MammaTJ · 14/09/2015 17:10

Actually, my DD is going to make me a Grandmother soon. I would be pretty pissed off if the OW, the woman who my ExH had an affair with and left me for got priority over me in looking after the baby, so I see her point.

This is 12 years on, with a DP and 2 more DC for me, but I would still be mad!

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FlankShaftMcWap · 14/09/2015 17:10

As far as I can remember from previous threads the other SC were from the first marriage of OP's DH. The DSD in question resulted from a casual relationship he had after his marriage ended. Correct me if I'm wrong OP!

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SouthAmericanCuisine · 14/09/2015 17:15

Actually, my DD is going to make me a Grandmother soon. I would be pretty pissed off if the OW, the woman who my ExH had an affair with and left me for got priority over me in looking after the baby, so I see her point.

But that's not what has happened here. The biological grandmother has said she won't/can't look after the DC, hence why the OP was asked.
So, the OP didn't get priority, the grandmother was asked, and declined, but would rather her DD was unable to go out, than accept that the OP looks after the Dc.

Would you really be that selfish towards your own DD?

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