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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel (completely irrationally) hatred for this woman?

60 replies

Bloodybloodyhell · 11/09/2015 20:43

I know IABU. Of course I am. And I need to get over it quick smart.

But, but, but...

There's a Mum at DS's school. She's v pretty, v thin, v stylish. Always looks amazing. Clearly v popular too.

She (already) has 4 gorgeous kids. And appears to be pregnant with her 5th.

She has a gorgeous husband. They are clearly v well off. Lovely house, great car. A squillion holidays a year etc.

By contrast, I'm a single Mum. One fabulous, adorable, super little DS - who I wouldn't change for the world.

But I would love, love, love another child. And a lovely DH. And, basically, this woman's life.

Atm, I'm avoiding her at all costs. I'm afraid that if I have to utter the words "congratulations" they may just stick in my throat.

I know I'm being a cow. And I know that I have so much to be grateful for. But this has been going over and over in my mind for days.

Why can't my life be like hers? How do I stop obsessing??!!

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 11/09/2015 20:46

Seems like staying clear is the best thing for you. Just don't slag her off to anyone else, tempting as it might be.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2015 20:46

What about her horrible thrush, that recurs all the time and is very painful and itchy? Because you don't actually know here life.

Never compare the inside of your life with the outside of someone else's. Words to live by.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2015 20:47

*her life.

BrandNewAndImproved · 11/09/2015 20:48

Op your putting to much of your time and attention onto this woman. Put that time and attention onto yourself to make you happy.

Asleeponasunbeam · 11/09/2015 20:48

Such wise words by Mrs TP

SirVixofVixHall · 11/09/2015 20:49

Well her life may be fabulous, I may feel slightly envious myself now! But you don't know how things are in private, perhaps she has problems you know nothing about. Some people do get lucky, but most of us will have sadness or difficulty at some point. Comparisons with others are always a mistake, just try and focus on your own lucky things and good points.

OneDay103 · 11/09/2015 20:49

You will get comments about how her life must be horrible behind closed doors, like ^ but these are nasty thoughts and says more about the person.
Just stay away if you feel like you will say anything mean.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 11/09/2015 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tipple · 11/09/2015 20:53

You may well bu but it's human nature to feel like you. Obviously everyone will come on here and say yabu but honestly most of us have met someone like that and felt that way. Unfortunately the 2 women I know that most fit that description are just lovely which is highly annoying as I want to hate them but can't.

tipple · 11/09/2015 20:54

She may well live a perfect charmed life but actually you never know what's round the corner. It could all go tits up tomorrow.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 11/09/2015 20:58

I don't blame you, I think we all have that person in our life. My friend is married, pregnant, they have their own home, good careers etc. I'm mostly happy with my own life, also pregnant, career never took off though as personal life went fizz-bang-down-the-pan big time a few years back, not married yet, cant get a mortgage due to work situation.

I found out recently that her husband is as racist as you can get, and I realised that even though she has things I'd like - I'm much happier with my own life and the people in it. Anyway, anytime I do get these irrational bouts of jealousy, I just take the Mrs Brown line of say "that's nice", think "feck off" Grin.

goawayalready · 11/09/2015 21:00

one day it will happen for you xxx

RaskolnikovsGarret · 11/09/2015 21:05

I feel like that about my sister. And I know her life is perfect. Eg today she sold her house for loads of money vs our ancient car has just died a few mins ago. Something similar happens every few days, there's an air of inevitability about it all. Yes I know comparison is the thief of joy, blah blah, blah, but I'm sick of it.

Although I am actually generally a nicer person than her. Wink

Greengardenpixie · 11/09/2015 21:06

It may not of course be as picture perfect as it seems? Sometimes when you talk to someone, it makes you realise the story that is in your head about what her lifes like will be far from the truth. Have you ever considered for example that the baby was not planned? Maybe a 5th was not on her radar. I think you should talk to her to bring a sense of reality to the situation. Everyone has issues in their lives, believe me.
This aside, you need to keep in mind that that is her path in life and you have yours. Wasting time dreaming about her perfect life is futile for you. Make the most of yours instead.

laundryeverywhere · 11/09/2015 21:19

I don't want to sound preachy but think of all those worse off than yourself, if you want to counteract this jealousy. To someone else you may be that lucky person with good fortune they can only dream of.

FarFromAnyRoad · 11/09/2015 21:23

I have an old friend on FB like this - was Head Girl at school, is pretty, clever, thin, gorgeous hair - married a venture capitalist and has homes in France, Italy, South Africa and stays at Claridges when in London. Three perfect children, husband exceptionally good looking - it just goes on and on. I do have the odd twinge but it's such a futile emotion - jealousy. It's pointless and destructive. I know she'll live to be 300 and still look gorgeous too!

BrandNewAndImproved · 11/09/2015 21:26

It really doesn't matter if her life is as perfect as it seems, concentrate on you.

paulapompom · 11/09/2015 21:26

We all want good things and happiness for ourselves and especially for our dcs. No one could blame you for that. I don't know this ladys' circumstances but it is quite possible she has stuff to deal with that you don't see. I don't say that to be bitchy honestly. But years ago when my twins were about 7, I spent a lot of time with a couple of the 'dance moms ' from the dance school were our daughters all attended. The dcs had rehearsals in a theatre and the three of us mums, and a tiny baby, walked about, Went for meals and bonded.

Don't want to go into detail as these ladies opened up about some private stuff, but til then I saw them as having perfect lives as opposed to me, lone mum, no cash, tiny rented flat, shitty job. We ALL had our issues, they were just not all the same issues.

So YaNbu, but don't get carried away thinking she lives in a fairy tale xx

TeaAndNoSympathy · 11/09/2015 21:27

I think YABU. She may well life a charmed life. Some people do. We all know someone who seems to have it all. But

#1 you have no idea what her life is really like. Most people have their own challenges and struggles.

#2 this feeling jealous of her is doing you no good at all. It's making you feel dissatisfied and resentful and that's not good. Jealousy really does eat you up.

#3 life is unfair. Some lovely people have rich husbands and successful careers and gorgeous houses. Some good people really struggle. Tough shit really.

catfordbetty · 11/09/2015 21:30

A wise person once told me that jealousy is the only deadly sin that can never bring you pleasure. Try hard not to indulge.

Hiddlesnake · 11/09/2015 21:39

The "perfect" husband is fucking his secretary and just contracted crabs...

bimandbam · 11/09/2015 21:39

Don't worry about her, concentrate on your own life. In the nicest possible way.

I used to do this. I was a sp when I met dp. Lived in a grotty rented house in a rough part of town. Did a shitty job just to make ends meet. Was really down about how life had chucked loads of shit at me.

Then I met all his friends. All glamourous couples with 2.2 dcs. Nice houses in nice areas with nice cars and nice holidays. I felt awfully inferior and scruffy and poor.

Now me and dp have been together for nearly 10 years I know most of them are hopelessly over stretched financially. I know most of them are no better off than us and are a couple of paydays away from being bankrupt. I know who has had affairs. I know that their lives are just as difficult as mine at times though it might not seem it. A few years ago I would have been secretly pleased that my life wasn't the only life that had been difficult.

Now I know that happiness doesn't have a quota and one person being unhappy doesn't mean there is more happy in the pot for everyone else.

We all know someone like the woman in your op. Just congratulate her on her pgy if you can and don't think about her anymore.

Oh and read The Hive. I forget who it is by but I think you will enjoy it.

HopeClearwater · 11/09/2015 21:42

Life doesn't distribute shit fairly.

You can't change it, so you have to accept it Smile

VeganCanBeFabulous · 11/09/2015 21:43

I used to feel like this about an old school friend of mine. Gorgeous, married to a lovely, attractive man, 7 bedroom house in a desirable area, two beautiful, healthy kids at a very good private school, all this plus a really good personality (sweet,kind, witty) which made me feel really shit about being a bit jealous of her. I always felt like she never had to try and constantly landed in her feet. In December of last year she died of bowel cancer at the age of 34. She had a year from diagnosis to her death, a year of pain, terrible sadness, chemo and surgery. She left a devastated husband, a five year old and an eight year old. Never wish yourself into someone else's life.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/09/2015 21:47

Lots of people have good lives through pure good fortune. Lots of people have good lives through making good choices.

People make good choices when they are brought up with love and strong self esteem. Can you focus on making good choices for yourself and bringing up your DS to do the same?