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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel (completely irrationally) hatred for this woman?

60 replies

Bloodybloodyhell · 11/09/2015 20:43

I know IABU. Of course I am. And I need to get over it quick smart.

But, but, but...

There's a Mum at DS's school. She's v pretty, v thin, v stylish. Always looks amazing. Clearly v popular too.

She (already) has 4 gorgeous kids. And appears to be pregnant with her 5th.

She has a gorgeous husband. They are clearly v well off. Lovely house, great car. A squillion holidays a year etc.

By contrast, I'm a single Mum. One fabulous, adorable, super little DS - who I wouldn't change for the world.

But I would love, love, love another child. And a lovely DH. And, basically, this woman's life.

Atm, I'm avoiding her at all costs. I'm afraid that if I have to utter the words "congratulations" they may just stick in my throat.

I know I'm being a cow. And I know that I have so much to be grateful for. But this has been going over and over in my mind for days.

Why can't my life be like hers? How do I stop obsessing??!!

OP posts:
AvaCrowder · 11/09/2015 21:51

OP you should talk to her. Imagine being ignored at school and not knowing why. I expect that she is as nice and normal as any other woman.

If she feels that your ds school is good enough for her dc maybe you have stuff in common, and however thrilled she is to be the mother of five I bet there are times that she envies you.

Sometimes the ones that we don't make friends with straight away end up being our best friends.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/09/2015 21:54

"Never compare the inside of your life with the outside of someone else's."
Wise words, MrsTP.

SeldomAthleticFC · 11/09/2015 21:55

She's having her fifth child and always looks gorgeous...
Can you imagine how exhausting her life must be? Yours sounds much more chilled.

StellaAlpina · 11/09/2015 22:03

I have a few friends like this, 1 I admire for her lovely home and family life and the other for having many hobbies/ a great career.

Rather than get jealous I use my friends as inspiration - they are both my age and we all have similar/normal backgrounds so rather than think 'why does she have this and I don't?' I think 'That's good, she's achieved this by X age - how can I go about it too'

Admittedly 3 extra kids and a DH are bit more of a long term goal than ooh I could do an evening class/I could re-decorate a bit. But things like looking stylish I guess are more achievable.

BrockAuLit · 11/09/2015 22:07

Your feelings are absolutely about you and nothing to do with her. If you were mentally / emotionally sorted, you wouldn't be looking at her in this way, and you certainly wouldn't care. She is just a mirror that you are holding up to yourself, and finding your comparing unfavorably.

Once you realize that you don't actually care about this woman, you will move on from your obsession. And hopefully into working on yourself (if indeed that's what you need).

gymboywalton · 11/09/2015 22:11

as someone else said earlier, don't compare your lives because really you don't know anything about what is really going on.

i have a gorgeous friend who looks amazing, lives in a beautiful home, sends her kids to private school, has a handsome husband etc etc but because i have known her forever i also know that she has suffered the death of a child, the critical illness of her husband, extended family problems etc etc

i would't swap lives with her for anything. i may be fugly and live in a grotty house and have no money but i have never had to go through the grief that has suffered in the past.

zeezeek · 11/09/2015 22:12

My best friend was this woman. At home, however, she was being abused by her alcoholic arsehole of a husband. Despite being well off, he was a hedge fund manager, she had no access to his money. She also had no say in what she wore, what the children wore, what accessories she as allowed to carry and even who she spoke to. Prior to the children being born she was a successful and independent woman, but a miscarriage, SN children and then a DH who was totally unsupportive to all (and blamed her for the DC SN) their issues has turned her into a frightened wreck.

StealthPolarBear · 11/09/2015 22:17

Oh vegan that's awful.

ollieplimsoles · 11/09/2015 22:18

Op I use people like this to spur me on, in my line of work, being jealous of how well others are doing just holds back your own progress.
I would get to know this woman, say hello to her, she may be really nice and wondering why she's being ignored.

LastAnni · 11/09/2015 22:22

Read Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty. Fantastic novel and a great read, but one of the characters has an apparently enviable life where everything is not as it seems.

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 11/09/2015 22:30

I knew a lady like that.

The other Mums didn't speak much to her as she was quiet and they were intimidated.

It has recently come out that her beautiful mansion was a prison. Her 'perfect life' was filled with horrific abuse.

If ever a woman needed a friend.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 11/09/2015 22:37

Firstly let's get one thing clear you or anyone else are not obligated to congratulate any pregnant women. It certainly does not say anywhere in the commandments. Thou must say congratulations to all pregnant women, and fall at their feet. .
Don't be so hard on yourself. It's only natural to feel jealous when someone has what you want. I've been TTC for a good while and I saw an ex friend pushing a pram. God I was consumed with hatred. She let on but I just looked right through her. So I know how you feel.
Flowers

Donotknowhownottomind · 12/09/2015 07:22

OP in all seriousness you sound lovely - intelligent, funny, self aware and a lovely Mum to your ds.

Don't do yourself down - work on the things you want to achieve - for you and for your ds Flowers.

Devilishpyjamas · 12/09/2015 07:34

Her life is nothing to do with you. And your jealousy towards her is nothing to do with her.

Get yourself sorted - focus on yourself. You only get one life, don't spend it obsessing over what others have

LittleRedRidingHoodie1 · 12/09/2015 07:37

MrsTP I love that!

Moln · 12/09/2015 07:44

I think most people feel envious at times about others

Try imagining looking at you and your life from another's point of view ??nd sick out what would envoke the same feelings.

Moln · 12/09/2015 07:46

Erm, '??nd sick' means 'and pick'

Don't sick out anything!!

Cabrinha · 12/09/2015 07:50

Ah, the inevitable "her life is probably secretly shit" comments. Let's hope not. Let's not wish that on anyone.

If there's anything that's shit for her, it's random people not liking her for no good reason!

Sure, we most of is feel jealous sometimes - but hating her?

LokisLover · 12/09/2015 07:51

I see why you would feel like that but it isn't about her it's about you. And I don't mean that in an accusing way.

I'm a single parent, sometimes I wish I had a DH, the family life etc so it is easy to look at others and what they have and feel this way. I have avoided some school events because everyone seems to be in a happy family unit and I'm not and I found it hard.

But..... I'm very grateful for my dc, yes I won't have the traditional family unit but that's ok. It's just coming to terms with it and working with what you do have. Easier said than done if course and I will always have days where I think it's unfair.

Ditch the jealousy if you can though because it slowly eats away at you. Feel sad for what you don't have, grieve for it (god I sound like a right hippy) and try to move on.

fastdaytears · 12/09/2015 07:52

Maybe she's not pregnant and she's just hit the poptarts hard?

Your life sounds lovely and I bet your relationship with your DS is really good. She would probably love to spend as much time with each of her gazillion children as you spend with your DS.

SouthWestmom · 12/09/2015 08:00

I know people are trying to make the op feel better but actually we have to accept that other people do sometimes through luck or effort have fantastic lives. Even if they don't have it all, having financial security/abundance makes it easier.
So pangs of envy are normal. I think you shouldn't see your feelings as weird or odd or wrong. Acting on them would be so just don't be nasty about her or to her.

gabsdot45 · 12/09/2015 09:00

I key is to count your blessings. Look at your life and all the good things in it. All the things that make you happy, big and small. I'm sure there are a lot.

mysteryfairy · 12/09/2015 09:14

No reason to assume her life is awful under the covers - luckily that sort of situation is the exception. I also think the assertion that anyone who is apparently financially thriving is secretly up to their eye balls in debt is odd - plenty of people just earn enough to cover their lifestyle.

However there are no circumstances under which I would want 5 children so I don't think I would be wishing myself into this lady's life.

shutupanddance · 12/09/2015 09:16

Her life looks fabulous..... You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 12/09/2015 09:23

I don't think the point of my post or other people's was to say the lady has a 'shit life' it was more to highlight the point that you will never be able to accurately assess someone's life from a quick glance in the playground and that you should count your own blessingsrather than focussing on others.

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