DH career decision? It it his or ours? AIBU?

[ostrichneck]

DH began with this company as a trainee. His original manager was a relative and he 'got the job' that way. Since then the relative has left & had had many jobs in between. Dh has continued to do well in the business and has an excellent reputation for being very good at his job, trustworthy and responsible. Colleagues cannot speak highly enough of him. He has tripled his salary in his 6 years, and they still invest any time and training into him that he requests. As far as we know, his job is stable.

Relative mentioned before has now come along with a new business opportunity (this is relatives 4th company in as many years but apparently this is the one) and wants DH to go and work for him (in the same field). He has already taken some of his colleagues from this business with him. Some of which are most definitely NOT regarded highly of in our field of work and are not trusted at all.

The salary offered is equal to that of what DH currently earns with no further incentives as far as I can see. And the further option of training that DH currently has is not available at this time.

It will also involve an element of working away.

The reasons I don't want DH to take the new opportunity are

1. Relative is inconsistent - each and every opportunity is the one until a new one comes along and previous one wasn't 'all that' anyway.
2. DH is well looked after in current company and highly regarded - the company has treated him (and continue to) so well that I can't see why he would want to leave. (FWIW - the last person that they invested so highly in, left to go to same person. This did not go down well as they were so disappointed and I believe he has burnt all bridges with this company now).
3. The kind of people that he is considering going to work 'with' - are the kind of people that he will end up working under because he was always their trainee when they worked with him at his current company - they mockingly called him the 'monkey' or the 'bitch' at this company.
4. I don't want DH to live in relative's shadow and for him to be known in the industry as moving around often, no loyalty and being relatives puppet.
5. I don't want him working away - it just doesn't suit my/our lifestyle prefernces. And I wouldn't have thought his either. Especially when we will have a newborn as well as young DC1.
6. If this opportunity doesn't work out, we have another baby on the way, and although he may find work again, I don't want the stress of us losing another salary for any period of time while I am on maternity leave.
7. A lot of people that are held in high regard in this industry have advised him to not go work with said relative and ex-colleagues for similar reasons to mine - therefore, it's not just MY opinion of these people/this opportunity.

The reasons that DH does want to take the job is that

1. What relative says 'sounds good'.
2. Some of the people that we work with cannot be difficult (nowhere near as difficult as the people that he would be going to work with IMO)

Although as I have said DH is so professional and level headed, he is quite easily ledimpressionable where this relative is concerned and sometimes has rose tinted glasses..

Its has caused us a couple of heated disagreements over the past few months and one big row. It goes away for a while and then relative is back on the scene and it comes up again... It has come up again today. I have told DH that I do not want to talk about it and row. If he makes the decision to do it, just tell me when it is done. I love him dearly and will always do my best to support him in whatever he does, but I can't if I think it will be detrimental to our family life and I don't think he is making the best career decision, which is so important to him....

If you managed to get this far, thank you very much but AIBU? Should I just give him my blessing? Am I going to be blamed in the future from stopping him pursuing his career as would have been his decision? If it had not been for my input, deep down I know that he would have gone to work with relative long before now...

Can he take a sabbatical from work, for say 6 months, to work for relative? That way he can get a feel of how his new role might pan out before having to make a decision. It's such a major decision that you both should make it, but ultimately you have to trust him to make the right choice for himself.

Not in the industry unfortunately - it would be a bit like David Cameron going to work for the Labour party for a bit!

It should be a joint decision, just like in the recent case of the poster who wated to quit work completely and hadn't yet got support from her DH.

I don't think you can veto his decision, but you can express your worries.

Think carefully about what would persuade him to go with the option you want

• is there one argument that he cares about more than others?
• is there something at the current company that he can't do without?
• is there a senior (independent) person in the industry he could go to for advice?

I agree that you can voice your concerns but I would think that it ios ultimately his deision unless there would be some great impact on you.

2. Some of the people that we work with cannot be difficult (nowhere near as difficult as the people that he would be going to work with IMO)

Eh?

To be honest, giving up security in a well respected role really has to be tempered with an element of an increase in potential and it sounds like he would be getting the same £, with more working away and less respect. Which is not a good move. That plus the inconsistency of the relative would alone make me wary of doing it.

Your list of reasons all sound rational, logical and thought through.
Your DH's list sounds impulsive, not long-term and emotive.

I'm siding with you!

Have you shown him the lists? Because sometimes a visual like that can be stark and more persuasive than a conversation.

When we talk about it - it ends up heated - but when things are calmed, he agrees with me and doesn't take the leap (if it hadn't been for our discussions over it - he would have just gone I think!). Then this relative just keeps coming back. I am half thinking of going to see relative and tell him impact this is having on relationship and would he kindly take DH's last refusal as final refusal.

Diddl - the greatest impacts would be him working away from his family including newborn - fine for some, but not for me. this is not my chosen family life and had I known this be a possibility, would not ne pregnant with DC2 let alone have had DC1. And then there is the possibility of business opportunity failing and DH being out of work for period of time. Are these great enough impacts? Or are these small impacts? - not sarcastic - just not sure if I am clouded by my absolute objection to this?

On the information given, I think that he would be an idiot to move jobs. But no idea how to make him see that.
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Sorry Doreen the 'cannot' should read 'can'

Gatehouse - I have said that I don't want to talk about it again but writing this has made me realise that putting it down in black and white shows the reality better.. maybe I will tonight?

I cannot see any advantages to the proposed job move.

Why does your dh think this is a good opportunity? Maybe draw up a pros and cons list to get your dh to see this for himself.

And yes, it should be a joint decision.

Based on what you have said OP, I too would think the same as you. I do think however that now you have told him your point of view, you should just say that you will support whatever decision he makes and leave it at that.

Hope it works out for you.

As a family you definitely have the right to a voice. You're right to be concerned about more travel and less job security.

However, some of your concerns do come across as if you don't quite trust DH to be an adult. Do you work in the same industry as him, as if not you seem a bit unnecessarily invested in his work stature and how he's viewed?

As a grown adult I'd be a bit annoyed if my DH came out with reasons about how I'd be viewed in the industry going forward etc. etc.

Don't get me wrong, I'd be as keen as you are for your DH to take the "opportunity" that's on offer, but you have to be careful not to treat him like a slightly overwhelmed teenager DC rather than your spouse.

It sounds like a lot of other people from this industry have joined the relative so he can't be a complete charlatan. Also if he's working with people he would have been the boss of, well so what - if he's bringing in the same salary it shouldn't really be something you need to think about.

So in short - keep your concerns to the legitimate - more travel with a young family is hard no doubt about that, what's his back up plan if this falls through.

Notso - it's the way that persuasive relative shows him the business opportunity which must be the way that it is if the offering person says so and for some reason DH is quite impressionable when it comes to this relative...

Pros and cons list may be the way forward.

Saying you wont talk about it anymore gives him the green light to go ahead saying "You said it was up to me!".

I agree that you need to put it down in a letter or email.

Bullet point all your objections as you have above, but perhaps with more focus on how it will affect his career, so expand point 2 into several individual points about how well he is treated, training, salary etc.

When he sees just how this will impact his career as a whole, and the family on top of that, it may be enough to make him see sense.

Good luck, and YANBU in anyway!

If he is really insistent then offer a compromise, say after 2 years if he still wants to go then go. In which time the relative will probably have moved on again........

YANBU.
sounds like a bad move to me.

I agree from what you have written it doesn't sound like a good move at all.

And of course the prospect of the whole thing failing is a big worry.

It does sound too risky.

Is he happy where he is?

I always trusted my husband not to take unnecessary risks job wise, but would have hated to think that he wasn't happy.

So although we had agreed to no working away, that's something I might have compromised on for example.

But leaving a safe job with prospects for a new venture maybe not so much.

yes rookie - we both work in the same industry, we do not work directly together but have very many similar connections and networks.

I do completely trust him as an adult and I will support him because at the end of the day, I have to. I just feel that sometimes I should help him see the reality and balance of things as I appreciate he would do for me.

Seriously - it's beginning to sound more and more like yourself and relative are Mummy and Daddy with DH being foolhardy teen.

I'm not sure you need to put together an email or letter about it, your DH is clearly doing well at his job and is not a fool.

I think saying that as a family you feel it's not right for you now but let's see how company is in 12 or 24 months is a much better option - doesn't have you saying no, but lets both of you see if company stands test of time.

YANBU at all to not want him to move. But I would say that you are probably going to get further in persuading him by trying to understand his reasons for wanting to move a bit more. There must be something motivating him. Find out what it is. Also I think that he has a right to not regard decisions within his as his alone. I think you do have a right to have a say in the matter insofar as he is potentially jeopardising his ability to provide an income at all. But tbh, I doubt that he is going to blacklist himself for life from all jobs by taking this role, even if it goes wrong. The stuff about whether or not he would be respected in this role, whether or not it is the right thing for him to do at this stage in his career, I think that you can express an opinion but not expect a casting vote.

Ugh sentence in the middle of my post does not make sense. Shd read - I think that he has a right to regard decisions within his career as his alone!

If he is really insistent then offer a compromise, say after 2 years if he still wants to go then go. In which time the relative will probably have moved on again........

where are these jobs where you can delay your start for 2 years?
i'd love that!

He may be desperately bored where he is as the moment and the thought of change is tempting. Maybe discuss with him that he could certainly look to broaden his career options - but that this particular on is not right. "Just because it is an opportunity doesn't mean it is a good one".

Oh and your third point:. The kind of people that he is considering going to work 'with' - are the kind of people that he will end up working under because he was always their trainee when they worked with him at his current company - they mockingly called him the 'monkey' or the 'bitch' at this company. Urghh - horrible. So he worked with these people with your relative doing nothing to stop such vile behaviour. No, no, no.

I worry about that too bogeyface but I feel its my last resort!

He is happy where is diddl other than he complains of some unreasonable people that he works with from time to time - but who doesn't?

rookie - you honestly couldn't be more wrong. DH looks after most aspects of our life - finances etc. He is more than able to look after himself and us. This is just one sticking point and I think that comment is slightly unfair. I agree with waiting but have mentioned that before, but its the boomerang relative.

I don't think he will blacklist himself at all mellojello - just don't understand why he would want to make a risky move at such a turning point in our lives with no real negative aspects of where he is at right now.