DH career decision? It it his or ours? AIBU?

[ostrichneck]

DH began with this company as a trainee. His original manager was a relative and he 'got the job' that way. Since then the relative has left & had had many jobs in between. Dh has continued to do well in the business and has an excellent reputation for being very good at his job, trustworthy and responsible. Colleagues cannot speak highly enough of him. He has tripled his salary in his 6 years, and they still invest any time and training into him that he requests. As far as we know, his job is stable.

Relative mentioned before has now come along with a new business opportunity (this is relatives 4th company in as many years but apparently this is the one) and wants DH to go and work for him (in the same field). He has already taken some of his colleagues from this business with him. Some of which are most definitely NOT regarded highly of in our field of work and are not trusted at all.

The salary offered is equal to that of what DH currently earns with no further incentives as far as I can see. And the further option of training that DH currently has is not available at this time.

It will also involve an element of working away.

The reasons I don't want DH to take the new opportunity are

1. Relative is inconsistent - each and every opportunity is the one until a new one comes along and previous one wasn't 'all that' anyway.
2. DH is well looked after in current company and highly regarded - the company has treated him (and continue to) so well that I can't see why he would want to leave. (FWIW - the last person that they invested so highly in, left to go to same person. This did not go down well as they were so disappointed and I believe he has burnt all bridges with this company now).
3. The kind of people that he is considering going to work 'with' - are the kind of people that he will end up working under because he was always their trainee when they worked with him at his current company - they mockingly called him the 'monkey' or the 'bitch' at this company.
4. I don't want DH to live in relative's shadow and for him to be known in the industry as moving around often, no loyalty and being relatives puppet.
5. I don't want him working away - it just doesn't suit my/our lifestyle prefernces. And I wouldn't have thought his either. Especially when we will have a newborn as well as young DC1.
6. If this opportunity doesn't work out, we have another baby on the way, and although he may find work again, I don't want the stress of us losing another salary for any period of time while I am on maternity leave.
7. A lot of people that are held in high regard in this industry have advised him to not go work with said relative and ex-colleagues for similar reasons to mine - therefore, it's not just MY opinion of these people/this opportunity.

The reasons that DH does want to take the job is that

1. What relative says 'sounds good'.
2. Some of the people that we work with cannot be difficult (nowhere near as difficult as the people that he would be going to work with IMO)

Although as I have said DH is so professional and level headed, he is quite easily ledimpressionable where this relative is concerned and sometimes has rose tinted glasses..

Its has caused us a couple of heated disagreements over the past few months and one big row. It goes away for a while and then relative is back on the scene and it comes up again... It has come up again today. I have told DH that I do not want to talk about it and row. If he makes the decision to do it, just tell me when it is done. I love him dearly and will always do my best to support him in whatever he does, but I can't if I think it will be detrimental to our family life and I don't think he is making the best career decision, which is so important to him....

If you managed to get this far, thank you very much but AIBU? Should I just give him my blessing? Am I going to be blamed in the future from stopping him pursuing his career as would have been his decision? If it had not been for my input, deep down I know that he would have gone to work with relative long before now...

The relative gave him a pretty good start six years ago. Why shouldn't a move boost your dh's career in the medium term. More experience, fresh way of doing things. If the job involves travel sobeit. The existing company might require it at some point.

You've made your point. Your DH isn't quitting for nothing or for less. A move may give him additional strings to his bow. Next time he might not even discuss it with you.

If it's all as you say, it sounds totally mad to do what he wants to do. Why would you leave a secure well-paid job where you are highly regarded and treated well, to do the same job but with working away, dodgy people and where the whole thing is likely to go tits up? That makes me think he must have some other motive, like is the relative someone he's desperate to get on the right side of for personal reasons, or something?

I think as PPs say you can't lay down the law about someone else's career choice, but can say "I am not happy about this because XYZ" and maintain your position. i'd also be saying "on paper there is nothing to recommend this and you know it. What are your real reasons for wanting to do it" and see what he says.

If his current company like him so much, do you think they'd have him back if it was all a disaster and he went crawling back to them?

Joint talks but his decision. He is the one doing the job so should have the majority say. Anything else is controlling behaviour, he has to be free as an adult to make his own choices.

But you don't think OP should be free to make her own choices about having to do increased childcare cookiemonster? Which she will, if he's going to be working away. It's all very well talking about controlling behaviour and the like, but in a family situation very few decisions can be made that don't impact on someone else. Using your argument, his choice to take the job is controlling behaviour because he's forcing OP to take greater responsibility for childcare, soon after having had another baby, when she's made it clear she doesn't want this.

Agree with bogeyface re taking responsibility. If he insists on doing this OP, he doesn't get to unilaterally saddle you with making it work. The costs of extra childcare when he's away need to be met by him, from his fun money. Not the household budget.

Bogeyface - that is exactly my stance about not supporting him. However, I would like to have believed that I love him enough to support whatever decisions he makes. It makes me sad that I would struggle to support him in something but I know I would.

Bosky - the more I ask that, he just sticks to his guns about it being a better opportunity because there is more in the other companies order book. This is true, but the industry that we are in can be turbulent and that doesn't always mean security. The place he is working now has pretty good potential. And I understand that things may go tits up at the company he is with now, but why not wait and see things out. And as &bogeyface and littlefoot* say, there would be redundancy. The way things are with relative, there will be future opportunities if what he is saying is correct so there doesn't seem any real reason for him to jump ship so urgently. And if there isn't in the future, I will have been right.

Beaufort - you are right and we are both grateful of the start the relative gave DH but since then relative has been inconsistent. DH says that relative swears there will be no working away - what if this doesn't work out for relative, he leaves and then DH is under new management? He is then working for somebody else where relative's promises bear no weight?

And Cookie - if it was that simple, I would agree with you. I must point out that I have never said to DH that he cannot take the job, I have presented valid reasons why I don't think he should take the job. Surely that is standard and good practice in a marriage. My post could read 'DH is taking job that I don't agree with but am going to say nothing because I should just stay at home with the kids and mind my own' - I'm pretty sure you would flame me for that.

Thanks Liesel My biggest reason for doing this is that it doesn't just impact on him, it impacts on all of us.

FWIW, I should point out that when it comes to childcare, yes I would be annoyed that it would probably be assumed that I will just pick up the extra slack/hours of childcare, but this is not my biggest concern. I do treasure my time with my DC and working FT myself right now, am looking forward to spending more time with them while on ML. Luckily I also have a great support network between both families. I would be more sad of the things that DH could miss out on. Yes I know that the newborn may take his/her first steps when DH is in a nice local 9-5 job, but what about when DC1 comes home with homework and wants help from DH but DH wont be home to help etc. This may sound petty to some, but family life is so valuable to me. I know that DH would hate missing out too. As a PP said, working away is not easy on the person working away either.

It doesn't sound petty at all. Him working away changes yours and the children's lives hugely. He needs to understand that.

Go on the relatives track record plus family come first

Ask yourself this question - If he moved on and it went "pear shaped" then what?

If I was in your DH's position would stay put - Why? - Family settled etc

If relative really wanted him, they would wait for him