to think that there should be a warning on self-published books on Amazon, so that...

[ElizaPickford]

... you don't end up spending actual money on the biggest pile of self indulgent, unedited, garbled bollocks by someone with the writing ability of an eight year old?

My poor DH recently bought me a book as a gift because it was about a subject I'm interested in and at a glance it had 5 stars and great reviews. I was looking forward to reading it, but when I picked it up on holiday I found it had capital letters randomly strewn throughout sentences, not a speech mark IN THE ENTIRE BOOK and as for the story line; it was so unbelievably incoherent and shit I was amazed. On closer inspection obviously someone (with no grasp of grammar or language) has just cobbled some ridiculous thoughts together and my well meaning DH actually spent a whole £6 on it.

This makes me really angry. I'm sure that there are perks to self publishing, but I really think there should be a warning somewhere so that you know that you could be buying utter drivel. It seems very unfair and almost fraudulent. I'm thinking I should create a coffee table compilation of my youngest child's most fantastical line drawings and charge unsuspecting victims customers £15 for a hardback edition.

IABU?

[PedantPending]

I had a quick look inside 2 of the books. Hmm. The one in English was, as you said, scattered with random capital letters and eccentric punctuation, not necessarily in the right places.
I read the first paragraph of the German one, although the title made me a little suspicious as it pluralised something I would have thought would have been singular as it is a stock phrase. Also one of the verbs was just wrong, and translates as "justified" instead of "founded".
I agree with a PP, this could be an alarmingly addictive new pass-time!

[LittleBearPad]

My brain hurts. The AOGG book is awful. LM Montgomery must be plotting to come back and haunt her.

[CocktailQueen]

Pedestrians - always get some friends to read your book and give you honest advice. Ask as many people as possible to read it.

I also recommend creative writing classes or blogs - Emma Darwin's This Itch of Writing blog is excellent.

And then when you're ready for an editor, check the Society of Editors and Proofreaders Directory :)

Good luck!

[Pedestriana]

Thanks Solid I have someone in mind who would proof-read with eagle eyes. I'm pretty good at grammar/spelling but I know that when you're caught up in writing something, it's easy to be blind to errors.
I've also a friend who's in a writer's circle who's happy to have a look over.

At present, I'm unwaged so I can't afford an editor etc.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Pedestriana: Sounds like you are sorted. I do appreciate that not everyone can afford an editor but the mistake a lot of people make is getting a friend to read it when the friend is, er. not that great at spellling and grammer him/herself, hasn't read a book in 20 years and is automatically inclined to go 'itz gr8 hunny' because pretty much everyone in the world thinks that having written a whole book is a really awesome thing to have done. (Yes, it is. But that doesn't always mean the book is awesome in itself.)

[jorahmormont]

My MIL is going to be my proofreader. Can always rely on her to point out flaws

[jorahmormont]

(disclaimer - not MIL-bashing. She and I have ups and downs but she is a very good and thorough proof reader )

[katemiddletonsothermum]

Anyone who over indulges in exclamation marks should be shot!!!!!!!!

[alexpolistigrakia]

I am also a self-published author. I am meticulous about grammar and punctuation, and I go through all my work very carefully myself first, before sending it to be edited. I often include snippets in other languages, and I double check all of them.

Some of us self-published authors are very careful. I agree with TheCountessofFitzdotterel - there are people out there who don't realise how dire their work really is, and how lacking they are inbasic grammar, punctuation and general coherence, not to mention plot.

[SolidGoldBrass]

In the past, I freelanced as a slush pile reader for a publishing house. There have always been people who are convinced they are the next Stephen King/JK Rowling/Jilly Cooper when they can barely string a sentence together. It's just that these days they can sling their drivel out into the world for rather less money.
(Though the thing I like best about self-publishing as a thing is that it has fucked the vanity publishers. Vanity publishers were absolute scumbags.)

[DarkNavyBlue]

Following that link took me to... Crippled Mail Order Bride For A Faithful Frontier Cowboy

Which has to be one of the best book titles I have ever read

[fragola]

YaNBU. The amount of self published shite on Amazon defies belief. It's one of those topics that I would like to grumble more about, but sadly I am too drunk.

[Pedestriana]

On the advice of an author friend I now participate in 1lineweds on twitter where you can share a line from your book. The last two have had a few shares, so it gives me hope! I've also got a page on FB for the book in progress and occasionally post snippets.

alex - I've just spent 7 years doing academic stuff so I'm agonising over every sentence I write. Anything committed to paper (well, the computer) has to be checked for accuracy of setting. Currently trying to find EXACT wording for marriage ceremonies +50 years ago (trying not to give too much away here).

squishy - am hoping to get on a workshop at some point, but I know there is a lot of self-indulgent claptrap on there.

[HarrietVane99]

Pedestriana, I've done academic writing too and I know the feeling of needing to get it right and getting hung up on detail.

One piece of advice that I've found valuable is 'When in doubt, leave it out.' I remember one writer saying she couldn't find information on a particular formal occasion so she jumped to the end and focussed on her character's emotional reactions, rather than the process itself.

I've been to RL writers' workshops. Some attendees are, shall we say, very much at the beginner stage. But I've also met some very good writers and learned as much from talking to them as from going to the formal sessions.

[SolidGoldBrass]

It's funny how the one thing nearly everyone wants to do is write a novel, even now. Look at the likes of Katie Price, Naomi Campbell, Jeffrey Archer and that silly sod on Youtube (Can't remember the name - Alfie someone?) - they don't even 'write' the things but they're terribly keen to have written a book. I've been involved with writers' groups and writers for a long time, and the number of deluded dipsticks I have met would fill a book on its own.

[RuffWearer]

I notice that every time a 'your dream job' thread comes up on Mn, a significant number of people want to write novels. Which is odd, really, because there's nothing stopping anyone from writing a novel - it doesn't require training or equipment or even leaving the house, and if you spent even a quarter of an hour a day writing, you'd have a full draft in a year. It just takes a lot of work to get it good enough, and persistence and stubbornness to deal with rejection.

Solid, can I come drinking with you and Chuck Tingle? I need to know what kind of man wrote 'Unicorn Butt Cops:Beach Patrol'.

[jorahmormont]

That's what I don't understand about people who use ghost writers like Katie Price, Zoella etc Solid. If you're that desperate to write a book - why not actually write it?

I used to want to write a novel. I still write fiction, but just to get the ideas out of my head and onto a page, and sometimes I show OH - mainly because he has asked me to write them as the extended universe for his self-published (and hopefully soon to be actually-published) novels. I realised a long time ago that my novel-writing will never be publication worthy. A lot of people need to do the same

[HarrietVane99]

I think a lot of people are taken by the image of the perfectly coiffed, smiling novelist daintily resting her manicured fingertips on her keyboard as she effortlessly knocks out a bestseller in the course of an afternoon.

When in reality you're sitting at your laptop in your dressing gown with your hair uncombed, struggling with a plot that won't go the way you want it to, convinced that it's a pile of crap and even if you finish it, no-one will ever want to read it.

Writing a novel is blood, toil, tears and sweat.

[squoosh]

Jorah people like Katie Price and Zoella aren't desperate to write a book. But publishers are desperate to cash in on their fanbase so they approach these celebs saying 'we'll give you £££££ if you attach your name and face to this book'.

[jorahmormont]

Fair point squoosh. A lot of vloggers have been jumping on the bandwagon lately - well, either that, or publishers are just finding every vlogger they can and asking them to attach their name to the books!

[RuffWearer]

I know a couple of writers who have ghosted footballer autobiographies for the 'Christmas books for non-readers' market. Boy, did they earn their money.

[squoosh]

I know! I saw a huge queue of teens queuing outside a bookshop for an author signing. It was some bloke called Marcus somebody or other who's apparently a big deal on the vlogger scene.

I felt old.

[MsTargaryen]

Most of the vloggers are part of the same agency so I bet their agent has a lot to do with them all suddenly having books.

I like how ghost writers seem to find the right balance of sounding like the celebrity but still being it actually readable (is that a proper word?). I'd love to know how hard they have to work to make sense of what the celeb tells them.

[MsTargaryen]

Being it actually readable? What's wrong with me!