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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think we don't need godparents?

60 replies

lilyb84 · 10/09/2015 09:24

Expecting first DC in January. Have several good friends who'll be 'aunt' this and 'uncle' that, I'm sure. DH has already mentioned to one that he can be godparent - I don't think entirely seriously.

We're not religious, my own godparents were my aunt and uncle who I've never been close to and who certainly didn't provide any guide of moral guidance - or anything else - in my life.

I don't see the need for our DC to have godparents and would rather avoid potentially putting people's noses out of joint if we were to pick one person or couple over others.

AIBU? Do (non-religious) people still have godparents? Or come to think of it, christenings which I also don't want?

OP posts:

JoandMax · 10/09/2015 10:04

Neither of my DCs were christened so no godparents, nor DH and I and we are all fine so far!

A couple of very close friends are known as Auntie and Uncle - they have a strong faith so are happy to answer any questions or support if our DCs want to go that route. Their DC also call us Auntie and Uncle and we are there for them too in an unofficial capacity.

MissBattleaxe · 10/09/2015 10:04

EponasWildDaughter. Good point, well made.

noiwontstoptalking · 10/09/2015 10:08

Epona that's not the wording used in C of S. Godparents don't actually make the promises - parents do.

AliMonkey · 10/09/2015 10:11

Someone above suggested that you shouldn't have a friend as legal guardian in event of parents' death? Why not? Do you think that friends would never do as good a job as family? Having said that, we have friends as godparents (I'm Christian) and (non-Christian) family as legal guardian if we died and I do worry that they then won't be brought up as Christians in that case. We are though down as legal guardians on death for some friends' children as they do not want them brought up by family!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/09/2015 10:13

It is a criteria for some school places in faith schools PurpleDaisies, but not for all. I think even more often in Catholic schools than CofE. Either way you'd need to go to church and get involved too (or instead)

Don't agree with MissBattleaxe that "appointing godparents without a christening really is pointless" as I think the traditional aspect of godparents taking an interest and providing support in a child's life is more important than how you'd answer those questions above

marmitemofo · 10/09/2015 10:16

I don't have godparents and don't think it's a big deal. I also didn't christen DD - I'm an atheist - so she doesn't have godparents either. Slightly tangential but honestly I don't really get it when non-religious people have christenings for their children. each to their own but just seems bizarre and (imo) a bit disrespectful. If you want a party or naming ceremony or whatever, then fine, but I don't really get why you would stand in a church saying you'll raise your child to be Christian when you have no intention of doing so. Anyway to actually answer your question(!) no, YANBU to consider not having godparents.

Original poster

lilyb84 · 10/09/2015 10:16

We fully intend to have lots of other adults around so that's not an issue and will appoint legal guardians when we get round to writing wills. It's interesting to hear so many views on christening/godparents - I especially wasn't aware of it being something that might help with school places?!

OP posts:

Original poster

lilyb84 · 10/09/2015 10:19

marmite have to say I agree with you there - for me it's similar to getting married in a church when you have no religious beliefs (but that's a whole other topic and don't want to go there...).

OP posts:

catsrus · 10/09/2015 10:22

My family were very churchy and we had godparents - no idea who mine were. My DC were not baptised as exh and I did not believe in infant baptism so they did not have godparents. Their guardians, should we have gone under the proverbial bus, were to be our single, respective, best friends, not blood family. My adult DC still see more of these two people than most of their aunties and uncles by blood.

I think we have to create a network of people who are 'family' for our DC even if not by birth. People who will step in and love them if we are not there. Doesn't matter what you call them .

catsrus · 10/09/2015 10:24

I have a strong religious faith btw - so rejecting infant baptism and godparents was not a rejection of religion for me either

murmuration · 10/09/2015 10:28

My daughter doesn't have godparents as we're not religious, although I have been thinking about having some kind of humanitarian service to recognise some spiritual parents or some such.

I've actually found my godparents very useful, as adults with whom I felt I had some kind of 'official' connection with, I was able to go to one when having issues with my parents and he served as an intermediary between me and them. And as an adult I've called the other when very worried about my Mum, hoping she could shed some light on whether what my mother was saying was an accurate reflection of reality or not (no, it wasn't, it was schizophrenic delusions, and I was able to get in touch with my Dad who wasn't, in fact, dead and get her help from across the ocean). I do know a few other of my parents friends, but my godmother and godfather have stood out as 'best friends' and people I knew I could always go to for me or for my parents. But just having good friends that your children know may serve the same purpose.

feezap · 10/09/2015 10:30

We are definitely not religious, actively did not get married in church and have not had DS christened.

However we did have a BBQ for him and appoint some friends as guardians, they are often referred to as godparents for ease of other people understanding their role/relationship. They will be there as guides and special people in DS's life, just not in a religious way.

I wasn't Christened but do have friends of my parents who I have a more special relationship with, I think this is lovely and have seen this bond between other people and their godparents/children. We wanted to have a similar situation for DS.

Of course you can't literally have godparents if you are not christened but the term is useful for those who don't understand the meaning of guardian when you haven't got time for a long explanation, I think this is where some if the confusion earlier on in the thread comes from. The term fairy godmother has nothing to do with religion, it has simply evolved as language does, to mean something different than the sum of its parts.

Go with what you feel most comfortable with, and if that's nothing at all, perhaps those friends can still take on a special role without any name or ceremony.

BoskyCat · 10/09/2015 10:32

We're non-religious and we don't have them. Having seen the Christening questions I can't see anyone who's a non-believer could do all that!

We do have to nominate people to care for our DC if necessary and we do also name various friends as emergency contacts on school forms and so on ?? but what I have found after 10 years of parenting is that these can change over time. It may depend on who your DC are close to and what other people are going through in their lives. So I actually wouldn't want to permanently put someone in that position. It could lead to awkwardness down the line.

GingerFoxInAT0phat · 10/09/2015 10:34

I wasn't christened and don't have godparents, I'm glad I wasn't christened as a child.

My children also haven't been christened and neither have godparents.

A couple of friends have asked dh and I to be godparents for their children but I declined. It just seems so pointless and fussy when people go to all these lengths if they don't believe in God? I don't know one person who is religious.

buffyajp · 10/09/2015 10:53

You can not have godparents without a christening, the clue is in the name. The parents may refer to certain people as godparents but if there was no baptism then there are no godparents. The role of Godparents is specifically to help to bring a child up in their faith and provide spiritual guidance. There is nothing wrong with people having a naming ceremony choosing special people to be involved with their child's life but don't call them godparents because they aren't.

SoftBlocks · 10/09/2015 11:10

I think a lot of people who aren't religious and haven't had a christening have 'godparents' for their kids by which they mean someone - close friend or relative of the parent - who is expected to take an interest in the child, maybe offer a bit of support to parents or be the legal guardian/ executor of the will should the worst happen. However, you need to appoint guardians and executors formally through your will.

PurpleDaisies · 10/09/2015 11:18

You can not have godparents without a christening, the clue is in the name.

In the Church of England you can have a thanksgiving (different from a a Christening-no baptism of the baby takes place) with god parents. I have the certificate to prove it.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 10/09/2015 11:29

Interestingly at our church, most of the Christenings are for non regulars. None of mine were Christened until 5 minutes before they were confirmed, so they don't have Godparents.

MissBattleaxe · 10/09/2015 11:47

Purple- what is their role if the child was not baptised and is not (presumably) being brought up within the church?

Cherryblossomsinspring · 10/09/2015 11:50

We have chosen godparents for our children as a nice thing to show a special relationship with certain people we love and respect. You don't have to have any at all as you as parents are automatically godparents anyway.

A guardian is a separate thing that people often mistake as being part of being a godparent. You would be wise to officially ask and document a guardian for your children.

MissBattleaxe · 10/09/2015 11:53

Cherry- but is your child christened? It just seems odd to have godparents and not have a baptism since Godparents are about nurturing faith and not just to make your friends feel like they're your favourite friends.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 10/09/2015 11:55

Yes of course christened! I only talk about godparents in the event of a christening happening. Sorry, that wasn't clear considering the weird things people do these days.

MissBattleaxe · 10/09/2015 11:55

Oh Ok! Sorry Cherry!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/09/2015 11:58

Gosh some religious people have rather fixed views don't they?
(that's just because I like the raised eyebrow face!)

StrawberryLeaf · 10/09/2015 11:59

I have baptised both of my children but they don't have god parents. We couldn't decide between three important people and after speaking to my minister she advised that god parents are not a requirement (church of Scotland).

My children have close relationships with other adults in our family and my wishes for their guardianship is stipulated in my will.

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