Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL's boyfriend is on a crusade against birthdays!

52 replies

Yesbuthesmells · 09/09/2015 23:16

He's weird. He smells. They've been together a year and he comes with her to everything; insults people, is awkward, stares weirdly at my kids and grins, he mimicks speech patterns and then looks confused when you tell him to stop it.

He turned up at my house uninvited, smelling like death, for my daughter's birthday. No gift, no happy birthday to my daughter, just ate our food drank our beer and talked loudly over everyone while being stinky and taking up the sofa.

Now we are trying to think of a way to have a family meal without him for my husband's birthday.

AIBU to just not want him there and be considering not inviting any of DH's family to avoid the awkward conversation explaining we don't like him?

(NC - booble plate)

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 09/09/2015 23:23

No?

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 09/09/2015 23:33

Think your DH is going to have to have a difficult conversation with his sister. I wouldn't want him there either.

SanityClause · 09/09/2015 23:40

He does sound a bit difficult. My guess is he has ASD.

Could you not find it in your heart to be welcoming, for SIL's sake?

Fatmomma99 · 10/09/2015 00:02

Ok, I'm going to comment because you want answers, but not sure if this is going to be helpful to you, because I'm going with Sanity who suggested ASD.

If she's right, (and looking at your OP through that prism) can you separate out all the issues?

EG. What does he smell of? Is it booze? Fags? Not washing?

What it is (exactly) about his behaviour that makes you not want him at your party?

Can you separate those out and deal with them one-by-one? If he IS ASD, would that make it more 'ok' for you? (i.e. if you know there's something behind his 'odd' behaviour?)

I hope you can sort this, esp if he is important to your SIL

VimFuego101 · 10/09/2015 00:04

Do you think if you made it clear it was a booze free event he might decide to give it a miss?

VimFuego101 · 10/09/2015 00:05

Or pick a restaurant where you know he won't like the food?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 10/09/2015 00:08

What do you mean exactly when you say he mimics speech patterns?

honeyroar · 10/09/2015 00:09

When you say he turned up at your house, do you mean he was with your SIL? Or didn't she come? As for presents, surely she'd buy one from them both?

HeyOverHere · 10/09/2015 00:47

Not to derail, but what does "(NC - booble plate)" mean?

TheCunnyFunt · 10/09/2015 08:01

NC - name changed. Booble plate refers to a thread in classics about a hair bobble plate that fell down the back of the loo. See here.

mmmuffins · 10/09/2015 08:17

Does SIL ignore his behaviour? Have you or your Dh expressed to her previously that you weren't impressed by his rudeness? I'm just wondering if a history of telling her his behaviour upsets you might make the conversation about how he isn't invited easier.

Or instead of the conversation, can you paint it so that it is very clear only immediate family is welcome at DH's dinner? For example,
-you're keeping it small because your tired at the moment and don't want to cook too much, and list the few invitees so she knows he isn't one
-if you're going out, make the reservation a fait accompli; you've reserved a table for eight, and list the invitees and mention a nice cosy evening with just family?

Allbymyselfagain · 10/09/2015 08:41

Sorry OP no good advice other than what's been said already but THANK YOU! I missed bobble plate first time round and I'm trying to not to laugh on a packed train... Failing badly!

Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 10/09/2015 09:56

I'll try and answer all the questions. Thanks for the responses!
ASD definitely crossed my mind, he's very socially awkward, but he has a calculated feel about him that I don't associated with ASD. For example, he only mimicks me when others aren't around except SIL.

When he made an awful abortion joke SIL did tut at him endearingly, so she is aware he is doing it. She seems so besotted with him he could do no wrong.

Dinner is at a restaurant and unfortunately I think he likes any food/drink he thinks could be free. I could book the table just for immediate family but they're just as likely to ring the restaurant and ask for 'one more'. Other SIL's boyfriend would be invited because he is friends with my husband, just adding to the awkwardness really.

Thanks for the suggestions. I feel between a rock and a hard place. DH was becoming stroppy about it last night, like I'm not thinking of some magical solution to awkward family situations. I suggested moving miles away. He didn't go for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 10/09/2015 09:59

Oh sorry honeyroar yes he came with SIL who handed over a present and hugged DD. he said nothing to me or DD, sat himself down, started eating food, talked over DD telling her aunt about her birthday.

If my children weren't involved I think I'd be more rational but I just want to smush his face when I think my dd's feelings might be hurt.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 10/09/2015 10:01

Can you not just say he isn't invited as you don't enjoy his company and he doesn't actually seem to like any of you or make an effort? Say you find him weird and antisocial. Don't hide from the truth.

SleepyForest · 10/09/2015 10:05

You either need to suck it up or have a face to face with sil. I'm not sure either of these will end well though.

A sense of humour may help (clutching at straws!).

Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 10/09/2015 10:17

pinkyredrose I'd love to. I said that to DH. I would happily announce to her that he is too weird to come to dinner. What really bugs me apart from all of him generally is she won't even check he is invited to things, just brings him along. It's rude and makes everything awkward.

OP posts:
OneDay103 · 10/09/2015 10:29

Well he might have ASD and equally might not. It's pointless trying to diagnose him on here and then treat him like he has it. You probably need to let your sil know you are not comfortable with certain things. For now I would not bring up the smell, but start with the mimicking and rudeness. If she can't agree with that then it's probably going to end with a fall out. However are you willing to keep say nothing and put up with him to keep the peace or enjoy family gatherings by say something and risking an issue.
What do other family members think.

SheepishWoolf · 10/09/2015 10:33

I would think that talking to your SIL is the only way to get at it... You say they've been together for a year, so she must see something in him that isn't obvious to others... If she brings him to everything I'd guess she's either oblivious or on some kind of mission. If the former, you're on a very stickey wicket, but there might be more hope if its the latter..

Is he her usual kind of choice - does she have a habit of picking up waifs and strays, of which he might be a more extreme example, but if you look back at her previous partners, does he fit a pattern? In which case by bringing him along she might well be either on the "he has problems, but he's lovely once you get to know him" mission or on the "by bringing him out all the time I'm hoping he'll benefit by learning more about how people get on with each other" mission.

Either way, it does boil down to a very frank conversation, but by trying to give it context it might give you a way of opening the dicussion - what about "Gosh, Sil, even for you, this one's a real doer-upper isn't he?" (!) Good luck.

Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 10/09/2015 10:34

Thanks OneDay. I know that other family members were hoping it would just fizzle out because they don't like him either. As it doesn't seem to be ending, just getting more serious, they are making the effort to put up with him. FIL leaves the room quickly when he enters, hides in the kitchen with the football on usually. As I have the kids I tend to be where everyone gravitates to, so I can't escape him so easily, unless I can convince everyone that I am suddenly very interested in sport and so are the kids.

OP posts:
harrasseddotcom · 10/09/2015 10:35

I think if I were you i'd probably just suck it up if the only time you see him is at special occasions. If other SIL's boyfriend is invited then there is no way that this SIL is not going to be offended if her boyfriend is 'barred' so to speak. I go with my dp to everything (i assume you mean family get togethers etc.). If i was invited to my brothers birthday meal i wouldnt check that dp was invited, it would just be expected, especially if another sister's dp was invited. Plus im not sure what you mean that he goes with SIL to everything. Isnt that what couples do, especially to family things? Its not like they hooked up last week. Theyve been going out for a year. And did you expect him to get a separate present for your dd cos we (my dp and dcs) usually give joint gifts. As a mother of an autistic child i am kinda sad reading I would happily announce to her that he is too weird to come to dinner because I do worry that could be my child in 20 years. Surely if SIL is madly in love with him then he must have some good points.

Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 10/09/2015 10:38

Cross-posted sheepishwolf

He is her type, but as you say a very extreme version. Her last serious boyfriend was really funny and personable, while still being alternative enough to satisfy her need to be different. This one is a doer-upper for sure, very well put! You've opened my eyes a little bit actually. She is the type to take on a man as a project, and his worship of her for it will be very gratifying I'm sure.

If I ever saw her without him I would definitely start the conversation along the lines of 'he's even more alternative than your usual type isn't he!' But he's always there. Maybe if they did come to dinner I could follow her to the loo and ask about him. But then maybe they'd be discussing why am I so weird around them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 10/09/2015 10:41

harrassed I understand. I worry about my autistic brother too, because even with all the love in the world he will never be socially un-awkward and I'm sure people talk about that.

If he is on the spectrum I could have some empathy for the situation. He just seems so calculated with his meanness. I never see nastiness in my brother, just complete ignorance to anything he might be doing to make others uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 10/09/2015 10:48

Another idea is to challenge him.
Every time he mimics your voice, tells an abortion joke, eats all the food, tell him to stop being so bloody rude.
If he wants to be like one if the family treat him like one. I'm sure you wouldn't put up with that behaviour from anyone else.
He will either get his act together and wise up or fall out with you and stop calling round, either way its a result !
I'm reluctant to think every rude awkward person has a condition that explains it, some people are just dicks.

patterkiller · 10/09/2015 10:48

Could you broach it in a bit PA way -I know not the done thing say to them 'I know it's hard when you're fitting in with an already established family, but you really don't have to put on this obnoxious facade for us. Just relax!'

Swipe left for the next trending thread