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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL's boyfriend is on a crusade against birthdays!

52 replies

Yesbuthesmells · 09/09/2015 23:16

He's weird. He smells. They've been together a year and he comes with her to everything; insults people, is awkward, stares weirdly at my kids and grins, he mimicks speech patterns and then looks confused when you tell him to stop it.

He turned up at my house uninvited, smelling like death, for my daughter's birthday. No gift, no happy birthday to my daughter, just ate our food drank our beer and talked loudly over everyone while being stinky and taking up the sofa.

Now we are trying to think of a way to have a family meal without him for my husband's birthday.

AIBU to just not want him there and be considering not inviting any of DH's family to avoid the awkward conversation explaining we don't like him?

(NC - booble plate)

OP posts:
BrideOfWankenstein · 10/09/2015 10:54

I'd be saying "he smells and is rude, please don't bring him over again". I understand that he "surely must have good points", but unless they come out at my home during birthday celebrations, I won't know, will I?
I knew a guy like that actually. I tried to change wash and shave him for about 2 weeks. I gave up. Whatever i saw in him in a first place disappeared in the stink of his filthy clothes. At one point it made my eyes water. Confused

SheepishWoolf · 10/09/2015 10:56

Yes cross-posted!

Very interesting what you're saying that she likes a project... And talking about his 'alternative' nature is a good way of approaching his personality if you raise it with her. Can you construct an opportunity to get her over by herself / get your DH to call her so that you can have that chat (rather than following her to the loo, which as you say might get the 'wierd' boot put on the other foot Grin !). If this "project" is getting serious, you might find she actually appreciates your starting a conversation that lets you all air your feelings about the situation, and how it might develop in the future.

gamerchick · 10/09/2015 11:05

Does anyone else twitch a bit when ASD is the first thought people have when creepy behaviour and smelly bodies crop up Confused

Your best bet is your SIL.. Have a word with her and she can sort him out.

LovelyFriend · 10/09/2015 11:12

I do get why you don't like him.

However why would he bring a present for your DD if his girlfriend gave her a gift? In what world does a couple give 2 separate birthday gifts to anyone as a matter of "normal" behaviour?

Are you expecting him to directly give your DH a gift too - as well as one from his sister?

I think by focusing on this you are making up insults to your family that aren't actually real and perhaps detracting from the real issues.

MissDuke · 10/09/2015 11:12

gamerchick, for me the red flag was the mimicking of speech patterns, not the other things. I suspect the posters who raised the possibility of ASD thought the same.

LovelyFriend · 10/09/2015 11:14

Do you expect to be welcomed at family events your DH is invited to?

Why would you expect your SIL's P be excluded - because they aren't married?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 10/09/2015 11:19

I would raise the smell issue, but leave the rest of it for now. I cannot stand stinky people, it makes me feel sick.

zzzzz · 10/09/2015 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 10/09/2015 11:33

lovelyfriend I think it was more that he didn't engage at all when the present from 'them' was handed over, didn't see if she liked it or wait for her thanks. It was clear it was SIL who had organised it and he wasn't at all interested in the fact it was dd's birthday, which was very odd considering he turned up to her party.

If I acted like him and DH's family said I was too rude to come to family events I guess that would be fair enough. But, and I don't mean to brag, I take regular showers and never make abortion jokes so I am a model dinner party compared to him.

OP posts:
IAmNotAWitch · 10/09/2015 11:36

One of my BILs is unwelcome in my home and is not invited to anything I am arranging.

He swears around the kids, does the mimicking voice to them, thinks he can smoke on my property, gets drunk and acts creepy.

How my sister can even look at him let alone shag him is beyond me.

So fuck him, not in my house and not on my dime. I just told my sister she and the kids are welcome anytime. But he was not. She knows he is a pratt.

Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 10/09/2015 11:40

zzzz I nearly retched at the thought of them shagging. Thanks for that.

OP posts:
AskingForAPal · 10/09/2015 11:44

I agree with others who say call him on the rudeness and mimicking. In fact, if he was making me and my family uncomfortable I would probably draw him to one side and tell him that if he was going to be antisocial and upset my kids he is under no obligation to stay or come to my house again.

On the smell thing though, you are even more within your rights to say something. He's probably one of those guys who doesn't wear deodorant because it's "not natural" and thinks everyone ought to put up with it. I would tell him privately that he has BO and offer him spray deodorant (I really would, have done this several times and would hope someone would do the same to me if I smell!) If he refuses I think polluting the atmosphere is a good reason to refuse to have someone in the house!

zzzzz · 10/09/2015 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyredrose · 10/09/2015 11:50

OP why can't you just tell her he isn't invited and she's not to bring him over anymore. He makes you uncomfortable in your own home ffs. Just tell her, what's the worst that can happen?

MistressDeeCee · 10/09/2015 12:02

I agree with pinkyredrose. What you've said is enough to "uninvite" him...an offensive pisstaker wouldnt be putting a toe thru my door again, if I were in your shoes. Better if you get DH onside with that one tho

Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 10/09/2015 12:54

I could link her this thread...

OP posts:
threenotfour · 10/09/2015 13:08

It wouldn't normally recommend this before sitting and having a good talk first....but if you think it is really calculated and delibrate then perhaps calling him out on everything and even asking him to leave if he is offending you is the way to go. If he has the potential to be in your life forever then you need to set the rules. Especially if he is being weird with your children. Every thing that he says that is out of line, stop him, loudly so everyone notices, every time he imitates you, call him out on it and tell him it's rude and if he persists then ask him to leave (when it's in your home), if he cuts across DD or your own conversation then speak up, ask him to wait, that DD was talking first. I guess in a way treat him like you would a child who needs shaping/training in social circumstances. If he doesn't change then you have got good reasons to say to your DH family that you won't be spending time with him again and be specific that he won't be invited to events that you host or organise and that he'll be asked to leave.

It sounds harsh but if you make things clear to him about what is acceptable around your family then he will have to make the choice himself whether he wants to be at events with your SIL or not. If he won't support her at family events then perhaps he isn't a good person for SIL.

farewellfigure · 10/09/2015 18:58

I really want to know what he smells of.

Unhelpful I know. Shock

MistressDeeCee · 10/09/2015 21:48

Does anyone else twitch a bit when ASD is the first thought people have when creepy behaviour and smelly bodies crop up

Yes Gamerchick I do. Because nobody can simply be offensive and obnoxious anymore...and of course its very "usual" for people with ASD to behave in this way + smell isn't it? sigh..

Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 12/09/2015 14:54

farewellfigure like... Mouldy fustiness, last night's booze, and cheap tobacco Envy

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 12/09/2015 15:18

Hi OP. Have you decided what to do yet? (That smell = yuk, bet it really lingers too! )

Oldraver · 12/09/2015 15:36

I think you need to challenge him each time he is rude.

"Thats very rude, please stop it"

If he continues then you need to explain he wont be welcome if he continues

Original poster
Yesbuthesmells · 14/09/2015 15:24

Does pretending nothing is happening count as doing something? I'm rubbish. No idea how to execute the evening!

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 14/09/2015 15:47

I had a friend who started seeing a guy a bit like this. Our whole group groaned when he turned up and would talk about him when they left but no one ever said anything.

One day after too much Wine I cracked and said "Jeez... didn't your parents ever socialise you as a kid?"

It was very out of character for me but it seemed to work.

I think he had a huge ego and felt that everything he said was edgy and hilarious. Once he realised his audience wasn't so adoring he did calm it down a bit.

I would call him on everything from now on. Even in a PA way if you'd rather.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 14/09/2015 16:10

or make it known you will not be paying for the food for the birthday meal. then he wont come anyway.