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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to ask if homophobia is still about

75 replies

whatisforteamum · 09/09/2015 18:32

Last week through a letter my ds 16 1/2 told myself and dh that he is gay.I have known for a couple of yrs he was withdrawn and suspected this was the case,Dh was really quite shocked.I told my parents with ds permission and they said the road ahead will be tough.They are obviously older but it got me thinking is homophobia still rife or is it like racism where he will get some comments off ignorant people.I have no experience of this and hope to be fully supportive of him.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 09/09/2015 18:36

I think it is still there. Overtly and covertly. DPs arsehole brother used the word "poofter" in front of my kids and I was furious. Particularly as SIL is gay. I know some religious people who are very anti gay. Mind you I live in Northern Ireland and it's particularly backward.

CassieBearRawr · 09/09/2015 18:37

Yes, sadly. Although things are improving. Are you and your family supportive of him? That will help immensely.

Oysterbabe · 09/09/2015 18:39

There will always be a small minority of morons but I think mostly he'll be fine. It's getting better for each generation.
I was out with some gay friends recently and they were holding hands and I didn't notice any negative reactions at all, a couple of double takes maybe.

GoringBit · 09/09/2015 18:39

Not criticising you, OP, but I hate the word homophobia, it's not fear, it's bigotry, and I'd say yes, it still exists, but I think that it's increasingly a non-issue, especially for people of your DS's age. With a little luck, his peer group won't care, he'll be the same person that they know and like.

It sounds like you're just the sort of parent that he'll need, accepting and supportive, and hopefully your DH will be as much so.

Best wishes to you all.

Thelushinthepub · 09/09/2015 18:39

It's a very heterosexual world out there.

caelacoo · 09/09/2015 18:39

Oh yes..my sil is gay. Her mother has practically disowned her. Told her she shouldn't be getting married or ever have kids (she's planning to do both)
Best thing was at my mil's wedding last year(she got remarried). Sil was there with her girlfriend. Fil friend took offence to the fact that they were gay, shit himself and then wiped the contents over my sil's gfs suit. She didn't rise to it. Just walked away gutted that a suit had been ruined. Icing on the top. Wasn't the mates fault. It was theirs. For being gay.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 09/09/2015 18:43

Yes. My husband works on building sites and has never known anybody who is openly gay at work, although he has worked with gay builders, just none who were confident for it to be known. Ditto football. No out premiership players.

It seems to be something very male, often common with working class makes, but also in public schools, banking & the City. Rugby circles.

Normally all the places you'd expect to find a shower of twats TBH. He wouldn't miss much if he avoided them.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/09/2015 18:45

I don't know, I think it depends. I know some young kids still have a hard time, homophobia certainly is still around in many forms. I like to think it's becoming easier though, my youngest sibling (around the age of 13), told me their school friend was openly gay, he never got stick for it as far as anyone knew - it was a 'non-matter'. Then again, 15 years ago, when I was in secondary, an obviously gay lad in my year was bullied so badly, he had to move schools. Why was your husband shocked, if I may rudely ask? That suprises me to be honest, that someone would be so suprised that a person in their own family could be gay in these times. It's not really the point though, obviously your son felt he could come out to his family at quite a young age, and that's a sign of progress in itself . So yes, he may find that some people are still a variation of small minded to pure ignorant, but I personally feel that these idiots are a dying breed. Hopefully your son will not have it too difficult in life.

TimeToMuskUp · 09/09/2015 18:47

Yes, kids at DS1's school use the words 'bender' and 'gay' as insults. They've obviously heard them used as insults somewhere.

My Sister is gay, she's had it all her life even down to "you could be so pretty if you dressed in x, did your hair like y" which is bollocks. You wouldn't accost someone straight and tell them if they dressed less like a tomboy they'd be pretty.

londonrach · 09/09/2015 18:47

I dont think it is as much as it used to be. I was part of a huge group of local children who played in the street in my home town. Two of this group have in later life come out. They both have no problems as far as im aware. They have very supportive families and friends.

FattyNinjaOwl · 09/09/2015 18:49

caelacoo
Unfortunately some people are arseholes who don't like it. Fortunately most people are accepting of others regardless of sexuality.

My friends brother announced he was gay a couple of weeks back. Poor lad was petrified, until he realised everyone already knew, and none of us cared. He asked me why I had never said anything, I told him because it doesn't matter who he's with, who he fancies, girl or guy, he's still him.
It sounds like you are a very caring family, so he should be fine.

Todaysrollercoaster · 09/09/2015 18:50

It exists everywhere. In simpering concern and sadness for the children of same sex couples "never knowing their father", primarily.

Loki17 · 09/09/2015 18:52

It isn't in my world. However, bigotry will always exist. Having a loving family who accepts him for who he is will make all of the difference to your son.

Shallishanti · 09/09/2015 18:53

huge progress has been made and in some circles, especially among younger people, it is a non issue, and young people I know are quick to identify homophobia and ridicule it, but sadly it is still around so lucky for your DS he has you as a Mum.

Shallishanti · 09/09/2015 18:56

caelacoo- that is unbelievable

blueballoon79 · 09/09/2015 19:00

My DS recently came out as gay. He's 14. He's not had any bother from anyone .
My DS has worried a lot about it himself though and about the future. He is afraid of homophobes and how he will be treated by them.
He is accepted by his family and to be honest I'd guessed a long time ago that he was gay and was just waiting for him to tell me really.

MsMermaid · 09/09/2015 19:01

Dd1 is quite openly gay, she's 15 and told me about a year ago. She hasn't had any problems yet, her peers don't care that she's gay in the slightest. Some of my parents friends may have a slight issue with it, but they are too polite to say anything.

My friend who is in her late 40s has never had any problems either, but she's not quite as open because she is wary of some reactions, particularly from religious types.

RachelZoe · 09/09/2015 19:04

Yes Kanye, everyone who goes to a public school, plays rugby or works in finance is a homophobic twat . That sentence also reads like you are calling working class males a shower of twats too FYI.

Yes sadly OP, homophobia is still very much a problem. I know a lot of gay people and purely IME the younger ones have had less shit off their peers but it's still out there sadly. I think location is important too.

Doobigetta · 09/09/2015 19:06

Caelacoo- wtaf? What the hell kind of person does something like that?! Is he deeply strange and wrong in other ways as well? He sounds as though he shouldn't be allowed to roam free!

Hoppipolar · 09/09/2015 19:17

It's definitely still around but not as much as it used to be. It sounds like you're very supportive which is great and exactly what he needs.
A lot of people can be ignorant and make assumptions about what it's like to be gay etc. For example, because im bisexual people assume I have threesomes all the time!

TheImpracticalCat · 09/09/2015 19:22

Homophobia and racism are both still alive and well, they're more insidious and subtle than in the past but still very damaging, particularly as it's very difficult to improve the situation when most people choose to believe there's no longer a problem at all. That being said, a supportive family makes a huge difference and hopefully he'll grow up confident and happy.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 09/09/2015 19:46

Thank you for the replies.I grew up in a large family who fostered children one of whom was black,People would shout abuse at us as children in the 70s and we would ignore it.im shocked when i hear openly rascist comments 40 yrs later !!
I always wondered what it would feel like if he were gay as he is a quiet lad very thoughtful and lovely.My dh thought he was just a late develoer with girls lacking confidence etc.I always knew there was a reason he didnt socialise however i was distracted by problems at work and my dying df who has been v ill with cancer.I always felt ds was missing out as dd 18 has quite a nice little social circle and some fun.I dont seen him as the least bit different and have told him when he is ready i would rather he brought boys home than felt he ought to do anything remotely sexual in a public place and face being arrested.Everyone is capable of getting carried away and i would hate him to have to hide away sneaking about.Ive always turned the tv over when so many programmes show men kissing however people are entitled to their own feelings and preferences and that includes my son.Life is too short to be unhappy and live a lie surely.

OP posts:

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/09/2015 19:59

Ive always turned the tv over when so many programmes show men kissing however people are entitled to their own feelings and preferences and that includes my son.

Umm, what? Did you mean that the way it reads?

Foreverlexicon · 09/09/2015 20:07

Unfortunately, yes.

I've never had any particularly nasty remarks when out in public with my girlfriend but we can't walk down the street holding hands without at least one comment (usually along the lines of 'Can I watch?' From leery older men, we're both early twenties and both feminine) and double takes ect.

It's frustrating because it puts me off being publicly affectionate (don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be full on snogging ect in public anyway even if I was straight but holding hands/peck on the cheek) - it always feels like people are watching!

On the other hand, I've found that in comparison to straight couples, we get a LOT of support via social medi, like if I put a Facebook status about her or just anything relating to us as acouple, we get tonnes more likes than a straight couple putting the same thing up which is nice as it feels like people are thinking along the lines of good on you, not feeling like you have to hide it. But again, it does highlight that it's still somewhat of a novelty.

laffymeal · 09/09/2015 20:07

I think it depends on where you live and who you mix with just how exposed to bigotry you will be.

My oldest friend is a gay man, his younger sister is lesbian. At 50 years old I have known these two people my entire life and have lots of friends in same sex couples.

My DS (14) is more than likely gay. He says he's still unsure but is totally unbothered by it because he's been surrounded his entire life by positive gay role models.

We live in a very cosmpolitan city.

I suspect if I'd never known my friends and their subsequent friendship group, partners etc. and lived somewhere a bit less forward thinking my experience would be very different.

I have no concerns about my DS, I know he'll be fine and I'm sure yours will be too if you are a little more open minded.

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