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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to ask if homophobia is still about

75 replies

whatisforteamum · 09/09/2015 18:32

Last week through a letter my ds 16 1/2 told myself and dh that he is gay.I have known for a couple of yrs he was withdrawn and suspected this was the case,Dh was really quite shocked.I told my parents with ds permission and they said the road ahead will be tough.They are obviously older but it got me thinking is homophobia still rife or is it like racism where he will get some comments off ignorant people.I have no experience of this and hope to be fully supportive of him.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 09/09/2015 20:11

With the greatest respect its a big jump from coming out at 15 to public sex/cottaging. Your views sound a bit... Old fashioned.

maxxytoe · 09/09/2015 20:15

My brother got punched in the head for holding his boyfriends hand in the street .
This was down canal street in Manchester too
Apparently they were rubbing it in people's faves

MagicalHamSandwich · 09/09/2015 20:15

Oh yes it is!

One of my co-workers recently felt the need to share that two guys doing it are gross but girl-on-girl turns him on like hell.

Proud to say I tore him a new one on both his points!

HermioneWeasley · 09/09/2015 20:17

Yes it's still about, but it is so much better than it was.

Have you had the safe sex talk with your DS - I suspect that statistically sex will be riskier than being beaten up for being gay

modelthroughit · 09/09/2015 20:23

I don't really experience any, but I live in Brighton... Occasionally my partner and I might get a second glance if we're out in the wider world and being affectionate, but I don't really notice anymore! I don't change my behaviour much if we're elsewhere though; I will hold my girlfriend's hand and kiss her hello/goodbye pretty much anywhere.

I'm also a secondary school teacher. The kids are completely unfazed. I look very 'gay' and so there's no real surprise for them, which takes the novelty out a bit

I do recognise that other people's experiences are less positive than mine... But it's perfectly possible to be open and out and happy. I promise :)

LemonPied · 09/09/2015 20:27

I got spat at in the street once when holding an ex-girlfriends hand, that was the worst.
Most people of my generation (I'm 30) didn't give a shiny shit.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 09/09/2015 20:36

I suspect both homophobia and racism are very much alive and well. It is socially unacceptable in most circles to express an opinion that is obviously racist or homophobic but it doesn't mean that people aren't thinking that way in private.

Egosumquisum · 09/09/2015 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 09/09/2015 20:39

In my time in the City, I've had a few gay work colleagues and no ones batted an eyelid.
One gay colleague went to South Africa and showed us a pic of him sitting on an ostrich. A colleague piped up 'bet that's the only time you've got your leg over a bird!'. It was said in a teasing but accepting way and everyone including gay colleague had a laugh. Yes some people's sense of humour is a bit basic and there's much wrong with that comment but it was banter.
I've never heard anyone say anything derogatory or abusive about gay people at work.
I think most people aren't bothered these days thank goodness.

Cerseirys · 09/09/2015 20:41

Well considering a recent thread on here about refugees had a comment along the lines of "thanks to the PC brigade you can't even have a different opinion these days without being labelled a racist or homophobe" I'd say sadly yes, it's still well and truly alive.

Beholdtheflorist · 09/09/2015 21:28

Yep, there's still homophobia out there but things are a lot better than they used to be and depending on where you live, lots more support for young gay people.

The biggest differnce you can make is to be supportive and ensure his home is somewhere that he is allowed to be himself without any judgement and encourage him to keep talking, the fact he's been able to tell you is quite a big deal.

It's also ok if you and your DH want to look at some support yourself. I'm not suggesting for one minute that this is a traumatic thing for you but there might be things you are worrying about you don't need to (sex, health, relationships etc.) and you might not be sure of being able to answer all the questions he might have. There's nothing wrong with getting yourself informed so you can provide the best support for him.

www.fflag.org.uk are really good.

Junosmum · 09/09/2015 21:38

Yep it's very much present. I wish it wasnt.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 09/09/2015 21:45

I had a girlfriend for a year when I was younger and we got a lot of stick.

However, homophobics are outnumbered by the sensible people and things have moved on massively. I have several gay friends and I've not heard them mention any recent homophobic comments.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 09/09/2015 21:51

Thanks for the link.I am naive about it all and as someone pointed out old fashioned maybe because i ve never had much experience and live in a small town where my dd has said people arent too bad here but i just dont know.I do know a neighbour kicked his son out when he said he was gay and there is no danger of that in our house.We love him and want to be there for him.

OP posts:

Beholdtheflorist · 09/09/2015 21:58

This is all new for you, there's no reason why you should know everything but FFLAG can help with working out what's ok to ask, what isn't and also how you can deal with and help him deal with the wider family or friends who aren't so supportive.

paulapompom · 09/09/2015 23:26

I think the younger generation (i sound old! ) seem more accepting of peoples differences. Me and my daughters have just come in from having an Indian meal just down the road and the two young lads on the table next to us were a couple. They were holding hands across the table. No one seemed to take much notice. I think there is still bigotry, but lots of acceptance too. X

TPel · 09/09/2015 23:34

Sadly there is still a minority of people who are overly invested in other peoples sex lives. Who cares what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home.
I'm straight, but have a number of gay friends - and have heard about the bigotry they have endured. It is shocking.

mileend2bermondsey · 09/09/2015 23:35

I'm quite young and am both of mixed raced heritage and bisexual. When youre in a realtionship or publicy affectionate with a woman you are seen as a lesbian by the general public (how would they know any different?). In the few years I've been out I've faced more homophobia than I've experienced racism in my whole life.

From being threatened with physical violence, verbally abused in the streets, to being isolated at work and the day to day jokes about being a 'rug mucher' and other 'hilarious' topics.

So yes homophobia is definately still rife and about. But not nearly the issue it used to be. There is a huge amount of work that needs to be done to improve attitudes

TheDowagerCuntess · 09/09/2015 23:38

This thread is quite negative - yes, there is prejudice about; a lot of it in some circles.

However, things have improved exponentially in the past generation. And they will continue to improve, as we are more enlightened now. If a pervasively Catholic country can vote in marriage equality, then something fundamental has clearly shifted in society's mindset.

My DB is gay, and although I'm certain he's had some grief, he has a happy life with a lovely partner, a huge circle of friends, and an accepting workplace (magic circle, City law firm). And he's utterly minted, since he has no dependants.

It's not all doom and gloom.

TheImpracticalCat · 10/09/2015 00:22

I agree Dowager, I meant to say in my earlier post that op's son is growing up in a much more open-minded world than any generation before him, and by the time he is old enough to be thinking about settling down, getting married and possibly starting a family, these things will all be so much more available to him than they have been for any other generation of same-sex couples. When marriage equality was passed last year a friend of mine said "I'm going to get married one day!" - it really struck me that something so many of us take for granted was such a huge step forward for him and all LGBTQ people. It's sort of bittersweet - on one hand it's a shame it took so long, but still it's fantastic that it finally happened.

Flossyfloof · 10/09/2015 01:09

You might find it useful to contact Stonewall. Their materials for teachers are great.
I think it is great that you are looking to support him.
There is still homophobia about but I am sure that young people with supportive families fare better than others.

TheExMotherInLaw · 10/09/2015 01:45

Congratulations on raising a child who is confident enough in your love to come out to you, and that you love him regardless of his sexuality. Both my dd and ds have had same sex partners. My dd was the first girl in her school to take a female partner to prom. (Still FB friends with the girl, 6 years after they split) Mostly they have had few problems, but of course, there have been some. They choose their friends carefully, often from within the LGBTQ community. The older, extended family, however, can be difficult. One thing I wasn't prepared for was how some people turned against me, for being open about supporting my dc's choice of partners; watch out for these people, and take avoiding action.
Things are getting better, tho, I think.

Fauchelevent · 10/09/2015 03:19

It's improved but homophobia (and racism) are still a problem. One of my close friends has been beaten up twice, by people in their 20s and the low level lack of acceptance is depressing.

Strides forward have been made, and chances are your son will live a life with lots of joy but please do access as many resources as you can. I'm bisexual and for the most part, my mum deals with it like she deals with most things - by ignoring it and dancing around it. But at the same time, she bought me a lesbian themed mag when I was too scared to, she's been on equality marches with me and has argued with homophobes who voice their disgust of two men kissing. Please try to be this sort of Mum! It means SO much to know your parents are willing to learn and fight for your equality. Learn and, if you do have any deep seated prejudices, work to unlearn them for the sake of your son and for everyone else!

ValancyJane · 10/09/2015 06:39

I think things are getting better; I teach teenagers and the vast majority are very accepting of people being gay / straight / bi. They do unfortunately say things like "that's gay" in a negative way sometimes (and are obviously told that's inappropriate, but without meaning to insult gay people if that makes sense.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 10/09/2015 08:05

That is reassurring and what i had hoped that mostly people just accept it,it is sad to hear that some of you have faced abuse and i do agree what people do in the bedroom is their own business.

OP posts:

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