Aibu to ask if homophobia is still about

[whatisforteamum]

Last week through a letter my ds 16 1/2 told myself and dh that he is gay.I have known for a couple of yrs he was withdrawn and suspected this was the case,Dh was really quite shocked.I told my parents with ds permission and they said the road ahead will be tough.They are obviously older but it got me thinking is homophobia still rife or is it like racism where he will get some comments off ignorant people.I have no experience of this and hope to be fully supportive of him.

I think you're getting flamed a bit on here for some of the things in your post. My eldest DS is gay and I know when he first told me I worried about things I never give a second thought to now. Its hard as a parent to get your head round it at the beginning but give it time and it gets easier. You're probably feeling things now that you'll smile at given time.

There is homophobia out there but I've found young people really accepting. My motto is people who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind. I have no time for people who insinuate my son is less than he should be because he's not straight.

Whether intentionally or not my son works in an industry where sexual orientation is of no importance (media) and has a great life. Give your son space to work things out and be there when he wants to talk and he'll be fine.

I think it's still a big deal for families because of the homophobia out there so get help if you need it. I don't feel the need to tell people my son is gay - it's just who he is and it's no one else's business. If it comes up I'm very matter of fact and frankly other people's opinions are none of my business.

Be proud of him and love him.

is homophobia still rife or is it like racism where he will get some comments off ignorant people

IMO racism is also still rife - people won't (generally) call someone a n*** to their face, but systemic prejudice? That's pretty ingrained in many people.

I hope your son will have a good experience of coming out to his wider community and being openly gay; however, IME the changes in attitude vary depending on where you live. If he's 'the only gay in the village' it's a hard row to hoe; if you were in Manchester or Brighton probably no one bats an eyelid.

The important thing is that you support him and let him know that he is loved unconditionally.

I think compared to some of the things that have happened in our family (3 ppl with life threatening illness) it doesnt seem like an issue to me as i say i had pretty much guessed though i dont really know how.I just wondered if my attitude was too laid back and there would be huge problems ahead i hadnt considered.my dh thinks its a "phase" and is older than me and has said he will be supportive though they are not at all close.My dd who left school a yr ago said it shouldnt be problem at 6th form.
I dont mind harsh comments i just wanted people opinions on something i know little about tbh.I would hate to be unsupportive or less so than ive been with dd and her long term bf.

There has been massive progress, no doubt and I'm sure he will have no trouble finding supportive friends and positive environments. On the other hand I'm sure he will encounter negativity on a regular basis. Firstly, yes there are still plenty of bigoted twats out there, but there is plenty of more subtle insidious prejudice as well. Reminds of a conversation among my apparently liberal, tolerant NCT group all of whom had boys two years ago, discussing how they hoped they wouldn't grow up gay. I was horrified - surely you just want your children growing up confident to express themselves and be who they really are. You sound brilliant though OP - he will need your support.

I hate the word homophobia. It??s not a phobia. You are not scared. You are an asshole!
c/o Morgan Freeman

Goring made the same comment as the above statement.

I know quite a few gay people and they don't get much hatred at all.
It does happen though so he needs to be prepared.

If he has a lovely supportive family behind him he will be just fine.

ego, however, there is also quite a bit of pressure on masculine lesbians to identify using a trans or trans-ish paradigm, which seems to be a backlash. It's both transphobic and homophobic, obviously, but disturbing how to ignorant people they become linked.

I think one of the frightening ways that homophobia has become more subtle - at least for younger people - is that how you identify and present yourself is seen to matter hugely. When I was a teenager (late 90s/early 2000s), I don't think I had really heard about butch/femme and people laughed at the idea of the bad old days when you might get turned back from a club for not looking gay enough. I had friends at university who were gay men who liked pints and football and all the 'macho' stereotypes and it wasn't seen as remarkable.

Now I look at students that age, and they seem to feel as if they have to form little tribes, as if you can't be gay (or 'queer') without presenting yourself in a certain way. I think it can be very hard for people who don't fit into what is increasingly seen as a gender identity confused with a sexual orientation.

It's sad that there is still bigotry out there, some of it quite subtle. Your son will have had a childhood where nearly all the fairy stories he will have heard have boy/girl getting married, all the films that are on mainstream television have heteronormative story lines, etc. Whilst a male/female couple holding hands in public is unremarkable, if he wants to hold hands with his boyfriend in public then it will be noticed.

It's also a very sad truth that he will be at a much higher risk of physical attack when he goes out, and the suicide rate amongst young males is higher amongst homosexual males.

These are harsh truths, and I think (hope?) this is what his grandparents meant by "the road ahead will be tough".

There are lots of support groups out there for him, and it will get easier for him when he leaves school and is an adult, especially in the large cities. In my home city of Birmingham we even have somewhere referred to as "the Rainbow Quarter" where all the gay pubs seem to be situated, and it is a friendly and welcoming place to everyone, regardless of sexuality.

I wish him well on his journey - the world is definitely changing in his favour, though there is still much to be done.

My eldest recently fell out with some friends after challenging them on spreading rumours about a fellow pupil being a lesbian.

She'd confided in one friend, who told one friend, who told one friend...

According to DC1 they were all adamant they were not being homophobic, DC1 wanted to know why, if that was the case, it was important that everyone knew because no one would walk up to someone and say "Do you know X is hetero?"

Having said that, a friend of mine, who was always very "laddish" and came from a v rough area, came out as gay at 19, to his surprise all of his friends stood by him and he hasn't really had many problems.

I think homophobia is sadly, still around, but not as much as when I was young (90's)

I wish you and your son all the best. It sounds like you are doing a very good job with him.

I couldnt bear the thought of him being beaten up :( i didnt know pple still went that far.I get what you are saying about his chosen career.Im certain he will do something to do with computers as he is really good with them having spent alot of time alone.I hope he gains confidence to go out more now as he has the last 2 weeks.Now he knows that myself and dd dont feel any different about him he should gain confidence from this.Teenage yrs are hard enough after all with school and exams etc and wanting to be more independant from your parents.

I've found this link for you. The Albert Kennedy Trust is for young people who have been made homeless for their sexuality (something your DS is at no risk of!) but they have a link page with lots of support groups for young gay people. The link is here.

Thanks for the link :)

Acceptance of gay people was probably at an all time high in the mid 2000s. Things will deteriorate now with our changing demographics. Your son should just be mindful of being gay in the wrong areas, but if he adheres to that he probably has at least a decade of safety to enjoy.

my eldest sons friend both 25 told my son he was gay when they were both about 15 .my son didnt care then and does,nt care now as he said they had been friends from primary school he was still the same mate i think the young are more accepting his friend always been a lovely young man .your son will probably find some morons who object but then some folk object to all sorts tell him to ignore them

Yes and no. As a fully paid up practising homosexual (not sure there are many other gay men on MN), I can say that it depends very much on the milieu and the age. It's indescribably better than 15 years ago, and in most walks of life it's pretty much a non-issue.

In schools, however, it very much depends on the school. I've worked in places where LGBTBBQ pupils are accepted by their peers and fully supported, but then again I've also worked in some that are just as bad as mine was back in the 90s. Broadly speaking, though, it's easier now than it used to be. It's been a good decade since I was on the receiving end of any homophobic abuse that upset me: these days on the rare occasions that a slightly "off" comment is made, it just feels laughably anachronistic.

Things have improved. He can no longer be legally sacked for being gay, turned away for a hotel room with a boyfriend, or fear reporting abuse to the police.
A lot of gay people live in places where other gay people live. These places tend to be fine to be gay and you are unlikely to have more than an occasional minor issue.
Also as men tend to earn more than women, a gay male couple is statistically more likely to well off.

scatter could you explain what you mean?

Translation: OMG THE MUSLIMS ARE COMING?

A point of view from an office workers perspective here. I work in a large administrative company with about 400 employees in the building. There are many gay members of staff, and all are hugely respected within the company. I would say acceptance within my workplace is standard. We are in the Midlands.
This is the case generally throughout all the companies I have worked for, bar one - Waterstones head office. Some of the male members of staff were shockingly ignorant . That said, this was from older men who will soon be dying out anyway so good riddance to them !!

It's not as overt as it was (in my experience) but the casual assumptions are still there. I have a gay (male) colleague who broke up with a long term partner - the reaction of a female colleague was that he wouldn't be single long as all gays men are promiscuous. I was gobsmacked. Thankfully he didn't hear. He would have been very hurt. I am still annoyed with myself for being too gobsmacked to say something.

Things are getting better, forever lexicon, I'm a totally hetero female but some of my best friends are gay, never actually given it a thought, they are friends first and foremost. This would have been nigh on impossible 25 years ago, so things are getting better.

Your son is at the very start of a fantastic journey. At the moment he just needs to know that you and your family love him.

He has accepted part of himself that some people, still think is wrong, or some people try to find answers for, too close to his mother, not very good at sports etc.

Your son will find friends and lovers on his journey, he will have his heart broken and his heart lifted. He will become the man he is destined to be and he will make you proud and frustrated as he has already done in his 16 1/2 years with you.

The world has changed a lot since Barry kissed Colin on Eastenders in the 80s, and it is getting better. I can remember when partners of actors weren't mentioned on 'This is your Life' and no gay person was ever on a quiz show. The days of Larry Grayson and John Inman have gone. Thank goodness!!

Let him share his life with you, let him cry with you and laugh with you and talk about men with you, and there will be some you don't like and some you do, the same as if he had a series of girlfriends.

You are about to start a journey with your son and it will be fabulous. He has given you the greatest of all gifts; he has allowed you to see who he is. Cherish that and cherish him. xx

From this recent YouGov survey, half the young adults surveyed don't identify as 100% heterosexual.

yougov.co.uk/news/2015/08/16/half-young-not-heterosexual/

I know statistics can be misread or misleading, but it really does feel that the times are changing. I think your DS has much more to look forward to than to fear.

Yes and no. I am gay and married - luckily for both my DW and I our familes are 100% supportive - your son is very lucky to have you.

However, from my experience, there is a big difference between what people say and what they actually feel. I do think this is changing though, especially with younger people who really think it's no big deal.

What I will say though is that (again from my experince) there is a big difference between attitudes towards female same sex couples and male. Both my DW and I have had close male family members use very negative terms towards gay men and/or tell us it's ok for us, but they don't agree with men being together. In general there is a more tolerant attiditue towards gay women (blame queen victoria, the titalation factor or just the fact that it seems to be men that have this problem) than gay men.

But this doesn't mean it isn't changing. Try to make sure your son has a good support network, a sense of self worth and a loving family (sounds like that's already in hand) and he should be fine. You sound like a lovely mum. x

Did I actually just read that a grown man did a poo and wiped it on a persons suit because they are gay. Bloodyhell